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Original poster

Do we log this with police?

42 replies

NanaPorsche · 08/10/2021 11:14

Just reading on another thread about having a record of domestic abuse/ ringing the police to log incidents.

Yesterday as my daughter arrived home from work (she had picked the children up from my house), she was getting the children into the house from the car when her ex suddenly barged past her into the house demanding some property.

The children were upset by this.

My daughter rang us and her father went straight to her house (7 min by car) but he had left.

Her ex was seen on camera at 6.18pm trying to get in the house whilst she was out - the locks have been changed.

At 6.37 he is seen barging past her into the house.

He didn't take anything as he knew she had called her father. Her father had taken his personal belongings to his workshop a couple of days ago.

Should we log this with police as harassment? Just in case this whole thing escalates?

I'm concerned because he's the type to burn the house down. He has previously spent time in prison for arson. We didn't know this until a mutual acquaintance told us after my daughter had been living with him for a year.

When we confronted him about his past - Why did you do this? He said because his mates told him to.

I've always felt that there is something very wrong with his personality - fantasist/sociopath/narcissist. I've also told my daughter never to leave her oldest child (girl - not his) with him alone. He gives me the heebie geebies.

I think that when he started staying away from the home, he thought my daughter would be begging him to come home. This hasn't happened - so now he's going round when the children are up? He started coming home late from work to avoid the children/bath time/bed time a couple of years ago. This escalated to spending all his time at his workshop, saying he was overwhelmed with work - but he never had any money. He was wanting to live like a single man without responsibilities as he spent every spare minute training on his bikes - when my daughter said this had to stop, is when he started staying away. He stopped his contribution of £500 a month to my daughter a couple of months ago - she'd only just returned to work after maternity leave. She was glad he stopped coming home - she said he makes her skin crawl. Before last night, he'd not been to the house since beginning of September.

How do we make sure we can keep her and the grandchildren safe? I feel like he is capable of hurting them.

Of course his mother defends his behaviour and has now blocked us from all means of contact - I would really like to know of any mental health issues as he has two sons with my daughter. We need to know if he has anything hereditary.

Is it too late to report this to police?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 11:18

Yes, this needs to be reported immediately. I would encourage your daughter to try to get a non-molestation order.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 08/10/2021 11:20

Log it.
Every report will build her a case...

WorraLiberty · 08/10/2021 11:21

Yes, contact the Police of course.

Did he know he has no personal possessions at the house?

Is his name on the mortgage or tenancy agreement?

DDUW · 08/10/2021 11:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

RJnomore1 · 08/10/2021 11:23

That’s a good question about whether his name is on the house

Lolapusht · 08/10/2021 11:26

Definitely report it. Is his name on the house…rented or owned? If it is it makes it more complicated as he has a legal right to be in the property, but I’d be emphasising the domestic violence aspects so the police can place a marker on the property in case he comes back and causes problems.

Not sure what your daughter’s situation is, but a non molestation order may help. Difficult to say without more details but there are things that can be done including letting the police know about his previous conviction for arson. Keep things factual, they don’t need to know what a rubbish dad he is etc, but they need to know things like he entered the property without permission and scared the children etc.

You don’t need to be in contact with his family at all. Your daughter can have a dedicated email address to arrange contact and other than that she doesn’t need to talk to him or his family. CMS for maintenance. Every time he does something “distressing” eg pitching up shouting or barging into the house your daughter should log it with the police.

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 11:29

Report it. The fire service can install a bag-type thing on the inside of the letterbox to prevent attempted arson that way.

ILoveJamaica · 08/10/2021 11:37

I would use Clare's law.

Clare's Law, often known officially as a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme or similar, designates several ways for police officers to disclose a person's history of abusive behaviour to those who may be at risk from such behaviour. It is intended to reduce intimate partner violence

And yes, report this and seek an order so he can't be within so many meters of the house.

Original poster
NanaPorsche · 08/10/2021 11:45

No - his name isn't on anything.

I thought it very odd at the time - but I'm now thinking that this was at his insistence so that he could disappear in future? I've always thought that £500 a month contribution to the house was on the low side as he was always boasting about how much money he was raking in because of his brilliance at what he does. My daughter has really struggled to make ends meet - I am always buying her and my grandchildren clothes/shoes and giving her groceries.

Last month, whilst my daughter was searching for the council tax bill, (to claim 25% single occupancy) she found a screwed up letter which was addressed to her ex at his father's address. It was a CSA demand for overdue maintenance for two teenage sons that no one knew about.

What is particularly weird, is that his teenage sons and his sons with my daughter are born 10 months apart. This has grossed me out for some reason.

This is the first time he's been at the house since early September but he's been demanding stuff that he has bought (which was for the house/his children) in messages.

He wants a laptop, a Hoover, drawers which were at the side of the bed and a dishwasher.

I personally think he's got off pretty lightly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NanaPorsche · 08/10/2021 11:46

@girlmom21

Report it. The fire service can install a bag-type thing on the inside of the letterbox to prevent attempted arson that way.
Didn't know that - that's fab. It'll put my mind at rest.
OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 08/10/2021 11:46

Thsts good his names not on anything. In that case I would definitely report it.

Original poster
NanaPorsche · 08/10/2021 11:47

@ILoveJamaica

I would use Clare's law.

Clare's Law, often known officially as a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme or similar, designates several ways for police officers to disclose a person's history of abusive behaviour to those who may be at risk from such behaviour. It is intended to reduce intimate partner violence

And yes, report this and seek an order so he can't be within so many meters of the house.

Thank you. Didn't know this either.

Will do.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 08/10/2021 11:48

Yes. Log it with the police. Arson is a very serious crime and indicates a very dangerous personality. It’s important to build up a case and not let him think he got away with this behavior.

Lolapusht · 08/10/2021 12:06

Given your updates, block him on everything, get a non mol, report to the police and call the fire brigade as a pp mentioned, CMS for maintenance (but it sounds like he may be self-employed so will probably avoid paying plus it seems he’s got form for not paying). Keep communication with him purely for child contact if he’s bothered. If he wants things from the house then it’s up to your daughter if she wants to give them to him. She can tell him when they will be available and if he doesn’t run up then that’s on him. The teenage children thing is gross. Best of luck to your DD.

Original poster
NanaPorsche · 08/10/2021 12:17

@LaBellina

Yes. Log it with the police. Arson is a very serious crime and indicates a very dangerous personality. It’s important to build up a case and not let him think he got away with this behavior.

Yes - there's something about him I've never been able to 'put my finger on'.

He's dangerous!

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 08/10/2021 12:19

Yes, and keep any unpleasant texts etc that he sends

LaBellina · 08/10/2021 12:19

That’s your gut feeling warning you about him @NanaPorsche

TakeYourFinalPosition · 08/10/2021 12:20

You should report it.

The police near me don’t do “logs” - they won’t let you report it but take no action - but this should be reported anyway, for the reasons others have said.

ILoveJamaica · 08/10/2021 12:20

Maybe don't have a letter box at all? Have something like this in the garden.
www.melodymaison.co.uk/wooden-post-box.html?gclid=CjwKCAjw2P-KBhByEiwADBYWChU2SoVa-Wxr9jeeBtHQYFHUPJ6VaBEsiBjXKhZUOkHBDm-zq1yEDBoChTwQAvD_BwE

HoundofHades · 08/10/2021 12:30

I don't blame you for being grossed out by the fact that the two sets of brothers are 10 months apart in age (each set, I mean) - I would be, too. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps it was to try to trap their mothers into staying with him/providing him with a lifestyle he didn't pay much towards... because it's easier to leave an abusive man if there's "just" one child. But when you have two so closely together, you don't have the energy to contemplate much other than simply surviving through each day. Sad

Log it with the police... but Claire's Law won't tell you anything about potential health problems, I'm afraid; just abusive behaviour - which is learned, I would suggest, rather than genetically inherited.

Original poster
NanaPorsche · 08/10/2021 12:30

When I first met him I thought he was quiet.

Then I thought he was 'acting superior'.

Then 'bloody selfish'.

Then 'reckless'.

Then 'creepy'.

Then 'secretive'.

Now - a bloody liar, a flake, and a CF with a massive personality disorder. ( He's using 'needing a few things he's bought for the house' as an excuse to go round - they are the only things he ever bought for the house. Never bought 'a skerrick' for his children. His contribution covered half the bills. No food, clothes, toys, luxuries.

Never took to him 😬🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
NanaPorsche · 08/10/2021 12:33

@HoundofHades

I don't blame you for being grossed out by the fact that the two sets of brothers are 10 months apart in age (each set, I mean) - I would be, too. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps it was to try to trap their mothers into staying with him/providing him with a lifestyle he didn't pay much towards... because it's easier to leave an abusive man if there's "just" one child. But when you have two so closely together, you don't have the energy to contemplate much other than simply surviving through each day. Sad

Log it with the police... but Claire's Law won't tell you anything about potential health problems, I'm afraid; just abusive behaviour - which is learned, I would suggest, rather than genetically inherited.

Oh - yes!

He's masterminded a blinder!

Ruined my daughter's life and buggered off.

OP posts:
SmallWaistFatFace · 08/10/2021 12:34

Yes, log it! All domestic incidents are dealt with seriously and you'll most likely get an appointment booked for an officer to come and se you

MadeForThis · 08/10/2021 12:36

Report him.

maskface212 · 08/10/2021 12:41

He has a right to get into the house if it's a shared property. You're saying it's not but this is all second hand info. Your daughter needs to contact both the police as well as her local DV agency which she can find on her council website or do a search.

She needs to take the recorded evidence of him trying to get in to the police and ask about the Sanctuary scheme where they will come to her property and put in locks and alarms.

She needs to keep evidence by taking a log of all incidents. Police logs/text messages/phone messages add the recorded evidence.

Next time he barges past her, she should put the children back in the car and call the police. She is most vulnerable leaving and in the first year after leaving and he is stalking her from the sounds of it.

Tell her to divert his number to 'message only' so she can keep the messages as evidence.