Do we log this with police?

[NanaPorsche]

Just reading on another thread about having a record of domestic abuse/ ringing the police to log incidents.

Yesterday as my daughter arrived home from work (she had picked the children up from my house), she was getting the children into the house from the car when her ex suddenly barged past her into the house demanding some property.

The children were upset by this.

My daughter rang us and her father went straight to her house (7 min by car) but he had left.

Her ex was seen on camera at 6.18pm trying to get in the house whilst she was out - the locks have been changed.

At 6.37 he is seen barging past her into the house.

He didn't take anything as he knew she had called her father. Her father had taken his personal belongings to his workshop a couple of days ago.

Should we log this with police as harassment? Just in case this whole thing escalates?

I'm concerned because he's the type to burn the house down. He has previously spent time in prison for arson. We didn't know this until a mutual acquaintance told us after my daughter had been living with him for a year.

When we confronted him about his past - Why did you do this? He said because his mates told him to.

I've always felt that there is something very wrong with his personality - fantasist/sociopath/narcissist. I've also told my daughter never to leave her oldest child (girl - not his) with him alone. He gives me the heebie geebies.

I think that when he started staying away from the home, he thought my daughter would be begging him to come home. This hasn't happened - so now he's going round when the children are up? He started coming home late from work to avoid the children/bath time/bed time a couple of years ago. This escalated to spending all his time at his workshop, saying he was overwhelmed with work - but he never had any money. He was wanting to live like a single man without responsibilities as he spent every spare minute training on his bikes - when my daughter said this had to stop, is when he started staying away. He stopped his contribution of £500 a month to my daughter a couple of months ago - she'd only just returned to work after maternity leave. She was glad he stopped coming home - she said he makes her skin crawl. Before last night, he'd not been to the house since beginning of September.

How do we make sure we can keep her and the grandchildren safe? I feel like he is capable of hurting them.

Of course his mother defends his behaviour and has now blocked us from all means of contact - I would really like to know of any mental health issues as he has two sons with my daughter. We need to know if he has anything hereditary.

Is it too late to report this to police?

If he is as creepy and potentially dangerous as you think might have t be worth gathering up the items that he is claiming and getting your DH to drop them off, then he has no reasonable reason to try and enter the house.

When in doubt report.

Maybe the reason nothing is in his name is because he's self employed and claiming to earn very little to be under the radar with regards to maintenance for his first pair of sons? Or were they his first? He's fifteen years older - we don't know how many times he's done this do we?

He'll have no credit rating.

My daughter mentioned in passing some time ago that 'brown envelopes' were arriving for him. They disappeared. He said they were HMRC when questioned.

He's probably scoping out another mug to accommodate him.

@RestingPandaFace

If he is as creepy and potentially dangerous as you think might have t be worth gathering up the items that he is claiming and getting your DH to drop them off, then he has no reasonable reason to try and enter the house.

I agree.

We've just paid for her to have a loft conversion. We just finished decorating the old master bedroom as a boys room. (His idea - when his second baby was on the way.)

I'm not sure my husband would be amenable to us replacing the things he wants to take as my daughter does really need them. She has zero money - he drained her savings a while ago.

• Report to police immediately
• Keep video evidence somewhere safe
• Clare's law request
• Anti arson letterbox for peace of mind
• No unsupervised access if at all possible and certainly not with kids who aren't even his
• Write 'Not known at this address' on any post that comes to him and put in a postbox
• contact Womens Aid and the Suzy Lamplugh Trust if anything escalates, the latter were incredibly helpful to me when I was a victim of stalking

[quote ILoveJamaica]Maybe don't have a letter box at all? Have something like this in the garden.
www.melodymaison.co.uk/wooden-post-box.html?gclid=CjwKCAjw2P-KBhByEiwADBYWChU2SoVa-Wxr9jeeBtHQYFHUPJ6VaBEsiBjXKhZUOkHBDm-zq1yEDBoChTwQAvD_BwE[/quote]
Thank you.

I'll pass that on.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

- Report to police immediately

• Keep video evidence somewhere safe
• Clare's law request
• Anti arson letterbox for peace of mind
• No unsupervised access if at all possible and certainly not with kids who aren't even his
• Write 'Not known at this address' on any post that comes to him and put in a postbox
• contact Womens Aid and the Suzy Lamplugh Trust if anything escalates, the latter were incredibly helpful to me when I was a victim of stalking

Many thanks - I actually remember the 'Mr Kipper' disappearance.

I don't know whether to bombard her with all of this useful advice or drip feed. I don't want to unnerve her.

Maybe you could make a list of bullet points and then when you see her in person, say you know she's been overwhelmed so you wanted to help by being proactive and looking into stuff that can keep her and the kids safe so you've made a list. Offer to sit and chat it through with here, or to leave it with her (obviously somewhere the kids won't find, if they access her phone etc) to think over. But I would do something sooner than later especially if he has a history of arson. The police advised me to tape shut my letterbox as my stalker had the same history. I wish I had known about the anti arson letterboxes then!

Definitely report it
BUT be aware its unlikely they'll just log it and take no action. I know where I work if any kind of domestic incident is reported its followed up.

Op sorry but I’m confused about the status of their relationship.

From a police perspective this probably does constitute harassment if he is aware their relationship is over/he does not have any belongings there and therefore he has no right to access the property.

If it’s not already clear (sorry if I’ve gotten this wrong) then she should cease contact with him and tell him to apply through family court for contact. She should go to CSA for child support not through private contact.

Keep any evidence of any contact, abuse, threatening messages. However most people will use a defence of we are still in a relationship or there has been two way contact. The best thing to
do in this situation is to cease all direct contact with the perpetrator and seek support to keep herself and her home safe from the police and local authority ( they will have a domestic abuse support department). If offences have already been committed the police may seek to prosecute with or without her support though.

Previous posters have given really good advice about non molestation orders and the police can assist with fire safety at the address.

Oh and Ring doorbell. Plus other CCTV.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Maybe you could make a list of bullet points and then when you see her in person, say you know she's been overwhelmed so you wanted to help by being proactive and looking into stuff that can keep her and the kids safe so you've made a list. Offer to sit and chat it through with here, or to leave it with her (obviously somewhere the kids won't find, if they access her phone etc) to think over. But I would do something sooner than later especially if he has a history of arson. The police advised me to tape shut my letterbox as my stalker had the same history. I wish I had known about the anti arson letterboxes then!

Tape your letterbox shut??! I hope this wasn’t recently. They should be getting the fire service out to fit an anti arson fire bag

@RIPIgglePiggle

Tape your letterbox shut??! I hope this wasn’t recently. They should be getting the fire service out to fit an anti arson fire bag

I know, rubbish isn't it! Was only about 5 years ago. Honestly, the Suzy Lamplugh Trust were incredible and gave advice to me throughout so when suggestions like that were made by the police, they made me aware of better solutions I could request. They really were amazing.

@Redglitter

Definitely report it BUT be aware its unlikely they'll just log it and take no action. I know where I work if any kind of domestic incident is reported its followed up.

This is what I was meaning. We don't want to 'inflame' him by the police going to see him. We've heard he's telling people he's living at his workshop - I doubt he has a good enough credit rating to get his own place. We wondered if it could be logged as evidence, in case of further escalation, without a police visit?

So don't know whether to inform police in the first place. It could make him 'go ballistic'.

There's evidence of him trying to enter the house whilst she's not in and then barging past her into the house as she arrives home and unpacks the car. It's on a camera she's just had installed after he 'disappeared'/stopped paying her.

She changed the locks after she asked for his monthly contribution and he said she wasn't getting another penny from him. We had been helping towards meeting the bills since she was told she could only return part time to her job after maternity leave. She was then made redundant. Just got a new job - but money is taking a month in hand to come through. This will barely cover her bills.

What an awful situation. I feel so sorry for her. I'm trying to support her the best I can. Also, been taken away from her somewhat this past week as my younger daughter (her sister) has sadly miscarried and I'm also supporting her, best I can.

Life ....

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Believe it or not there’s been a lot of training done on it in the last 5 years but stalking can be so dangerous and the legislation on it is a mess which doesn’t help. There’s such a difference depending on where you live too. Policing is a bit of a postcode lottery sometimes.

Yes Suzy Lamplugh trust are very good OP. Have a look at the website

[quote RIPIgglePiggle]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Believe it or not there’s been a lot of training done on it in the last 5 years but stalking can be so dangerous and the legislation on it is a mess which doesn’t help. There’s such a difference depending on where you live too. Policing is a bit of a postcode lottery sometimes.

Yes Suzy Lamplugh trust are very good OP. Have a look at the website[/quote]
That's great to hear there is more training. I think I was right on the cusp of the stalking laws changing especially when it came to online harassment. In the end with the help of the Suzy Lamplugh Trust I was reassigned a youngish officer who had taken a special interest in stalking and harassment support for victims and he was absolutely great. It just took a long time to get there.

This situation is so similar to what I went through with my horrible ex. So many similarities. Like living in business premises. I dont know for sure but I think that is illegal or improper at least. The family blocking you because they dont want to face the reality of what their son is.

I am not going to say what all I went through but record everything with police and others like the GP, health visitors. Get a Non Mol order although that does not guarantee that he will leave DD and DGC alone. There have been so many nasty incidents from discarded husbands and partners, especially those ex H or P who think they are entitled.

They are a dangerous group of people and it is long past time that those in authority realised how dangerous these discarded exes are and definitely move to protect women and children and definitely not assist abuse exes to cause even more mayhem