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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving my Husband??

37 replies

Honeypot1980 · 08/10/2021 09:03

I am thinking of leaving my husband today. My husband is a good man, a good dad and a hard worker but sometimes he is just so full of anger.

I have a 15 year old son (DH's step-son) we have been together since he was 3 and we also have a 10 year old son together. The 15 year old can be challenging as most teens are but I feel that my husband is overly strict and never off his back.

Last night things came to a head as my son was on a telephone call after his cut off time (when his little brother was in bed) On a school night we say phone off at 11 but no calls after 9:30 as he can be very loud when his brother is trying to sleep.

When DH heard him he went full on crazy at 9:45 last night - he barged into DS room screaming for him to get off the phone, DS was on the phone with a girl and we could hear her laughing and my son was so embarrassed. I tried to defuse the situation by explaining to my son why the rules were in place and to explain to the girl at school today the reason why but my husband went crazy, said I undermined him, I am selfish and run at me very aggressively, poked me in the face and screamed in my face. He didn't come to bed last night and has left for work this morning before any of us were up.

This is a whole new level of anger and over nothing at all, the kids have said they think that he is "angry all the time" DS1 has said he is considering moving to his dads as he feels he cant breath the wrong way in this house.

I think its time to put my kids first, I am considering booking into a hotel for the weekend to give me time to think. I know he wont leave so it needs to be me, he is never sorry as he always says he does nothing wrong.

DS1 not at school today as he is so upset over what happened last night, I dont want them to feel like this.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 09:08

Taking the kids away to a hotel for the weekend is a really good idea but what about next week?

Original poster

Honeypot1980 · 08/10/2021 09:16

@HollowTalk

Taking the kids away to a hotel for the weekend is a really good idea but what about next week?

I feel I need to get out today, I know my husband and there will be no talking to him - if we sit down and talk it will be my fault and then he actually makes me believe that.

I know I need a longer term solution but that gives me a few days to think about things. I could move in with my mum but she stays across the road from us so its not an option, I need some distance.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 08/10/2021 09:18

What is the house situation? Finances etc

And you definitely need to get out - this is a very angry man and not a good one or Dad

ftw163532 · 08/10/2021 09:21

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid. And consider reporting him to the police.

I agree that you and the children need to be safe from him asap, but get support.

Original poster

Honeypot1980 · 08/10/2021 09:22

@Quartz2208

What is the house situation? Finances etc

And you definitely need to get out - this is a very angry man and not a good one or Dad

Joint owners of the house (with mortgage) he wont leave though, I have had the conversation many times.

OP posts:

AliceAnnie · 08/10/2021 09:26

I think you need to leave: the hardest bit will be leaving but you need to make the decision and stick to it. Thinking of you xxx

Quartz2208 · 08/10/2021 09:34

Yes I agree Womens Aid and legal advice because the house can be sold

PinkSyCo · 08/10/2021 09:34

Your husband is not a good man or a good dad. I would not forgive this, especially as you say he never apologises as he thinks he’s done no wrong.

DerbyshireMama · 08/10/2021 09:37

This is abuse. Speak to Women's Aid or NDVA. Potentially you could ask the court for an occupation order which would force him to leave the home and possibly still contribute towards the mortgage.

Babdoc · 08/10/2021 09:39

OP, you need to see a solicitor and find out your legal position re the mortgage and your financial position post divorce.
It is not advisable to remain in a marriage with an angry abusive partner who is distressing your son, gaslighting you to make you believe everything is your fault, and making the whole family tiptoe on eggshells round him.
I wonder if his ex wife went through similar.

altmember · 08/10/2021 09:40

How many times had he asked him to finish his phone call before he lost it with him?

You could probably get an occupation order to have him removed from the house. Would be better if there was a police record of a domestic, but if both kids are saying their terrified of him that may well be enough. I would think that occupation orders can be heard as an emergency to get one quick.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/10/2021 09:41

Who cares what he thinks OP, the court will decide what happens to the house - fuck him him quite honestly, I've been divorced twice and got the house both times despite both husbands shouting and screaming about it.
They don't get to decide whether they keep the house or not, the court does.
From experience you need to report this to the police as it's assault and intimidation, ring women's aid and go to see a solicitor.
For your childrens's sake this is no time to be timid, to be worrying about what your husband says and to be running away. You have children to think of, they come first.
If the police decide to press charges, don't waiver, go with it, it is your get out of jail card for free.
If you don't contact the police and report this you have zero evidence of anything.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2021 09:44

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Going to a hotel is all well and good but its really a short term measure. Ultimately you and your H should not be together any longer.

Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Apart from anything else he has now caused your eldest child to be at home today rather than in school.

What is he like towards you day to day?. I would think he has acted like this towards you and now he is further starting on your children, particularly the eldest. What are your children learning from you both about relationships here, is this really the model you want to be showing them?. No it is not. You cannot be seen by them to not put them first or front and centre. They really do not see their father as a good dad and they likely look at you and see a ground down woman.

I would think it a given that your H does not behave like this towards people in the outside world or to his work colleagues. he is likely all sweetness and light to them, for abusive people image to the outside world is all important. It is for you people that his abuse is directed at. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so, my guess too is that one or even both his parents act like this too.

I would second the recommendation for you to contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice asap. The Rights of Women organisation can also give you some legal advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2021 09:48

You really do need to seek legal advice from a Solicitor and I would certainly look at both obtaining occupation and non molestation orders for him.

He being the abuser here is not going to make the process of you separating from him at all easy. He will use that to further "punish" you for having the gall to leave him and will remain like this after you've divorced him. But you should absolutely now push forward any and all plans to leave him and particularly before both your kids are adults.

MadamMalkin · 08/10/2021 09:50

I had a looong post typed out, but it was too raw/emotional to post.

Long story short my stepdad was/is an angry, nasty cunt. My mother chose this arsehole over me, her own dd, and sent me to live with my father when I was teen.

It damaged me and our relationship in so many ways.

sjxoxo · 08/10/2021 10:10

Is your DH suffering from stress.. sounds to me like he is very stressed and possibly heading for a breakdown. My dad was like this for a year or so after chronic stress and then had a crack up. It’s not an excuse but you mention one incident- has this always been the case or is this from the beginning or his natural personality? He behaved badly but your son did break the rules that had been set & is old enough to know. Why did he stay on the phone beyond the time given? I think your husband reacted poorly but your son also should take some responsibility. My parents very nearly split over my brother; not a ‘joint’ response to his very poor behaviour and IMO it was a mistake by my mum to not hold him accountable. He’s still the same now in his late twenties. Good luck whatever you do- before deciding to leave I do think you should consider if your husbands mental health might be on the brink x

LizzieSiddal · 08/10/2021 10:15

Is your DH suffering from stress.. sounds to me like he is very stressed and possibly heading for a breakdown

You can fuck right off with that excuse!
1.Lots of people are under stress they are not emotionally and physically abusive!

The OP said he’s like this a lot and they’ve discussed separation before but he won’t leave.

This man is abusive there is no excuse!

LizzieSiddal · 08/10/2021 10:16

Honeypot1980

Yes do leave, you do need to put your dss first. You need to show your son that he comes before an abusive and bullying stepfather.

Please call Woman’s Aid. They will give you lots of good advice.

EKGEMS · 08/10/2021 10:18

@sjxoxo Your post is nothing but apologist tripe and there is zero excuse for a father's anger and control issues so severe to be driving his sons and his wife out of their house and family.

PearLime · 08/10/2021 10:32

poked me in the face and screamed in my face

This is abuse and it will escalate. Speak to women's aid and I'd also consider reporting this to 101 just so you have a record. This is absolutely grounds to leave the marriage. Get on to a solicitor and get your finances in order.

Re your sons behaviour, I mean, come on. Being on the phone to a girl 15 mins after curfew... COMPLETELY normal way for a teen to test boundaries, completely harmless and a normal reminder / very small telling off would have been sufficient.

It's not like your DH found his stash of class As and a 32 year old sex worker in his room is it??? Complete over reaction from him.

MiddlesexGirl · 08/10/2021 10:52

Info about occupation orders here:
england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_married_sole_homeowners/occupation_orders_for_sole_owners_and_their_married_or_civil_partners

MiddlesexGirl · 08/10/2021 10:54

Apologies - wrong link - this one:
england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_married_joint_homeowners/occupation_orders_for_joint_homeowners

sjxoxo · 08/10/2021 12:10

@EKGEMS thanks! I never said it was acceptable behaviour. It sounds to me like he is on the verge of a breakdown. Doesn’t make it right/acceptable but in my personal experience this is typical of behaviour just before a mental breakdown. That’s all I meant.

layladomino · 08/10/2021 12:19

So the rule about no phones after 9.30 is to avoid too much noise when smaller DS is sleeping? Yet he went full on crazy at 9:45 last night - he
barged into DS room screaming for him to get off the phone ...... poked me in the face and screamed in my face

What did he intend to achieve by this? Clearly he wasn't concerned about noise, as he made much more noise himself. So it was actually about him being angry about a rule being broken. Totally disproportionate.

He's an angry bully. Your poor children. They've noticed he's angry all the time. Your older son is thinking of moving out - that must surely break your heart.

When you say that your DH will talk you around in to thinking he's done nothing wrong, how do you square that with what your children tell you? That your older DS wants to leave?

Noone would come between me and my DC, and if my DH was making them unhappy then that would be it. Over. No questions. I'm glad you've seen this and you want out.

Just take care not to do anythign that might disadvantage you unfairly later. Will you have time to photocopy some key documents, make sure you have logins with you and any important documents. Seek good legal advice. Check what's in all the bank accounts. You are married so the house is as much yours as his.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 08/10/2021 12:55

Id be getting real estate agents around and the house on the market. Once its sold what will you be able to afford and start making plans from that. Look at all assets, debts and income and work out a fair split. He'll have to pay child support for your youngest.

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