Struggling with mother - don't want her around after birth

[RosieJones31]

Hi ladies,

I'm really struggling with my mother at the moment, she is the mum from hell. I'm just in a massive pickle between how much I may need her after the birth of our first child next month, God willing.

She is an absolute nightmare, and i'm so relieved that we're only allowed one person in the delivery suite at the moment. As only hubby will be there and he's an absolute gem.

My mum initially wanted me to move in with her after the baby is born so she can "look after me". This may sound nice, but she's extremely manipulative, very very negative, a terrible cook, cannot clean the house and very suspicious of everyone and everything.... I've told her this won't be happening and she can come and visit us.

How have people dealt with having boundaries with their parents/mum/dad?
Am i shooting myself in the foot by not wanting her around?
The thought of her staying a number of nights in my house makes me cringe. She is also an anti vaxxer, so not protected and loves to endlessly talk about government control and how Bill gates is killing us?!?!? Absolutely no clue why.
I can't handle these conspiracies and her negative outlook on everything. She is also rude to my husband and never looks at him when she talks. I just dont want her around, but i also do not want to hurt her feelings! YIIKESS.

Any advice would be great - feeling pretty fragile and exhausted at the moment.....I'm 34+4. Oh and dad isnt around so she is the only parental "support". Saying this my in-laws are absolutely amazing and actually very very helpful. So I do have that support after baby comes which is great :)

Between your dh and your PILs, you have all the support you need. Your mum will not be a support. She will be a drain, which will put more pressure on you and your dh.

If she can't be civil to your husband in his own home then she's just downright rude and shouldn't be there.
"DH will look after me in our own home, mum."
"Thanks for the offer of help, we'll certainly keep it in mind"
"Unless you are vaccinated, you won't be coming to a house with a newborn in it"

That last one - my sibling has chosen not to be vaccinated. Their choice as an adult. I recently had a family celebration that they were unable to attend as a result - but that's not my issue to resolve, nor did they make a big deal. They know that making the choice to not vaccinate means that they don't get to travel or go into a restaurant and don't get to dictate to others why the rules to keep everyone safe should be broken for them.

Not quite sure why you're so bothered about not hurting her feelings when by the sound of it she's not at all bothered about hurting yours or your DH's - being rude to him, not looking at him etc.

You say yourself she's the mum from hell, so what 'support' you think she can offer I really do not understand, especially when you have your DH and lovely in-laws.

No need to feel guilty about keeping her at arm's length - she is the one who's shot herself in the foot with her behaviour. Maybe if she'd tried more with you and your DH you would be keener to have her around!

Sometimes you just have to honest and bugger the consequences. Her anti-vax and conspiracy theories for example - just tell her you don't want to hear anything about them, and you do NOT want unvaccinated people around you and your baby. Her choice - her consequences.

And start calling her out on her rudeness. You don't have to be confrontational - just state the facts. "Mum I thought that was a really rude thing to say to DH - what on earth did you mean by it?"

You'll have to put your foot down with a firm hand, won't you, Rosie ? The antivax issue is a perfect reason why you can tell her no, without causing too much offence.

You need to be rude. I'm sure you've had a lifetime training to bow to get needs but you express yourself very articulately and clearly now see it for what it is. So, don't be afraid of being direct if you have to, in putting your needs first. Your support should first and foremost come from your partner. He sounds ok and in my opinion, though I know not everyone's, he should anyway be the only one present at the birth. It's not a spectator sport, it's you two bringing a new life into the world!
Assuming your partner can take a few days off work and the birth is ok, you have no need of other support and your mother, and in laws, can visit for short times to see the baby. You need to make a real, firm stand here or your mother will be all kinds of interfering in the child's life from now on!

Tell her you're going to stay with in-laws after the birth. With a bit of luck she'll stop talking to you.

Why are you bothered about hurting her feelings? She doesn't give a toss about yours.

Time to come out the FOG OP, espet since you will have a new lift to protect from her shit soonw.

I think there is no blanket rule for post birth arrangements. It all depends on what your mother is like.

I couldn't imagine anything worse than my mother descending on my home at such a vulnerable and emotional time. I have friends who found it to be an amazing help and felt very lucky to have them there.

If your mother is going to do more harm than good, don't have her stay. The people telling you that you will want her there are those people who have lovely mums who look after them when they aren't well.

Just put your foot down.
You’re extra sensitive and emotional after birth because you have to bond with your baby and nasty remarks very likely will hit you extra hard. I made the mistake of not keeping my parents enough on a distance after the birth of DS and I still remember some of the things they said to me, after more then 2 years and particularly my relationship with my father got damaged beyond repair because of something he did.
Keep anyone that is capable of making life miserable at a very far distance during this vulnerable time, so let her visit now and then for a short time and don’t be afraid to ask her to leave if she starts ranting or insulting.

What actual help could she offer in reality though? It doesn't sound like she's that particular about cleaning and tidying, and she doesn't sound like she's emotionally supportive either. I'm not sure what exactly you would be missing out on.

I think you would be more stressed, more on edge and have more work to do if you let her come !
Tell her in no uncertain terms that you want that special bonding time with your husband and would she be available if you needed to call her
Or tell her to get lost

Do what you need to do. Be 'rude' or just speak your mind. My mother in law stayed with us after the birth of my first child and it was hideous. She was so terrified of upsetting me (ongoing issue for her) that she wouldn't take the initiative and do anything and I just couldn't be bothered with her. She ended up crying to my husband about some imagined slight that was bollocks. I was tired, emotional and honestly couldn't give a crap about a needy old woman who couldn't take any responsibility for their own mental health. I had a teeny newborn. So use this time to set your priorities straight and don't allow anyone in your house unless you want them there.

I had a similar situation with my MIL, but we actually invited her to come and help because my parents were away (for 5 weeks) and husband didn't get any paternity leave.
It was such a bad mistake inviting her, I spent the entire week listening to her anxieties, moaning about people in her family, making her lunch, whilst she stood around smoking most of the day. I was so angry and have never forgiven her. You will be so emotional after giving birth and still be establishing breast feeding (If you choose to) the worse thing is to have someone around you who already irritates you because you will be on edge the entire time! I'm due with number 2 next year and I am banning visitors in the first 2 weeks because I need that time to find my feet and get over the trauma of the birth again!

Ah, glad to see I wasn't the only one that bought into the idea that I 'needed' the help of my MIL. I did the same with my second child, and it was fab. I was also very angry with her just being in the house, the other day she brought up how little my son slept and I felt similar rage towards her. She clearly sees it as our shared experience but I dearly wish she hadn't been there and certainly don't want to bond over it with her.

The only people you want visiting in the immediate weeks after your baby arrives are people who will help. That means that they will cook, clean, tidy, garden, do the shopping, look after themselves, bring you tea, hold the baby when you ask them to so you can have a shower. It sounds like your MIL might be the best one to do that and she is just as much the baby's grandmother as your mum.

I would suggest your mum visits during the day (and tell her how long she can stay for - no sitting on the sofa expecting hours of cuddles and being brought tea, an hour each time max) but that she would not be helpful beyond that.

My MIL is like this. Decided she’d move in after the birth which got me very stressed during a time when I needed to concentrate on what was to come. We were just honest. Just say no. The priority is you three. Fuck it if you offend anyone else. I used to feel backed into a corner but dealt with that by saying ‘I’ll think about it’ giving me space to decide if what ever mad thing she wanted would fit in with what I wanted and what was best for MY family. You’re going to need to be harsh and boundaried. And screw the consequences. She’s making you feel like you’re going to need all the support. You won’t, because we all know that support comes at a price doesn’t it.

Op you don't need that much help, your DH is enough for one baby (unless you have 2 yr old twins already)

Time to stop worrying about hurting her feelings and learning to say no and mean it.

Stand your ground.

My mother said she'd come and stay and 'look after me'.

The day after getting out of hospital, she had to go to Knitting World, and I had to drive her there. After an extremely difficult birth, bleeding like a stuck pig, with a newborn. I almost collapsed.

She didn't make a single meal or cup of tea. She watched me dragging myself around in tears and pain.

DH had gone back to work to use his leave when she was no longer there, based on her assurances. He has never forgiven himself or her, for what I went through.

Just say that you and DH have sorted things out between you, and her assistance and presence are not required. You'll let her know when you're available for a catch up.

Just a thought, but if money allows, maybe you could get a high school student or someone to come in for a couple of hours each day, to do whatever needs doing?

Thank you everyone - I really have needed some straight talking, and this has definitely helped.

In all honesty I think i've just always felt like more of the parent with my mum. She is very needy and emotionally draining and i've always been there to support and help her and listen to her nonsense.
But you are all right - this is not about her, this is not about what she needs, but this is about me and my beautiful baby and sharing those first precious weeks together with as minimal stress as possible.

I am going to stay strong and keep her at arms length - and great advice about, if your not vaccinated and if you're not willing to take tests (which she isnt... then you cannot come near my new born baby. These are very matter of fact things to say to allow me to give a quick answer as opposed to "I FIND YOU AN ABSOLUTE PAIN IN THE BACKSIDE!"

I need to look after my emotional wellbeing, and the fact that i'm even fretting about it now shows how much she affects me.

So thanks for the stern words everyone! I do think my mother in law is a much better help, she's actually very supportive and so so useful around the house.

Thanks everyone - wish me luck x

@mbosnz
WOW! I can't believe the below. Literally sounds like my mum.
So so sorry you went through that!

My mother said she'd come and stay and 'look after me'.
The day after getting out of hospital, she had to go to Knitting World, and I had to drive her there. After an extremely difficult birth, bleeding like a stuck pig, with a newborn. I almost collapsed.
She didn't make a single meal or cup of tea. She watched me dragging myself around in tears and pain.

Wishing you luck, and for me, I found it a lot easier once I had my children to stand up to my mother, because I would accept shit treatment on my behalf, but she wasn't going to pull that crap on my kids!

So maybe, think of it as looking after your child, by looking after yourself, and it might stiffen your Momma Bear backbone!

You don’t need her, just remember that. It’s nice to have help, but you don’t need it. I was a 19 year old single mum and I didn’t need my mum to help me. Have confidence in your own ability, you will be fine

And thank you!

I'm afraid I blame an awful lot of my PND on that - so I hope you can protect yourself!

Yes agreeing with only having people that will be helpful around you in the early days.

My mum always offered and said that we just needed to ask, but in reality was never available. Its really changed our relationship and I feel so let down by her, even 3 years on. She's more helpful now, but I'm due #2 soon and wonder how things will go this time around!

You clearly don't need her on a practical level - you have good practical help if you need it.

You don't need her on an emotional level - in fact she will add to your stress.

You don't need to worry about upsetting her. She's not worried about upsetting your DH and you is she? So why should you be worried about her feelings? Especially at such an important part of your lives - look after each other and your baby, and protect your family unit from people who create stress.

Thank you so much everyone! Really appreciate this advice - it's good to remember this is a time to focus on my little family.

And it is true - she never worries about upsetting me! So I need to not focus on that and foster a healthy relationship by setting very firm boundaries. Feeling better already :)