Struggling with mother - don't want her around after birth

[RosieJones31]

Hi ladies,

I'm really struggling with my mother at the moment, she is the mum from hell. I'm just in a massive pickle between how much I may need her after the birth of our first child next month, God willing.

She is an absolute nightmare, and i'm so relieved that we're only allowed one person in the delivery suite at the moment. As only hubby will be there and he's an absolute gem.

My mum initially wanted me to move in with her after the baby is born so she can "look after me". This may sound nice, but she's extremely manipulative, very very negative, a terrible cook, cannot clean the house and very suspicious of everyone and everything.... I've told her this won't be happening and she can come and visit us.

How have people dealt with having boundaries with their parents/mum/dad?
Am i shooting myself in the foot by not wanting her around?
The thought of her staying a number of nights in my house makes me cringe. She is also an anti vaxxer, so not protected and loves to endlessly talk about government control and how Bill gates is killing us?!?!? Absolutely no clue why.
I can't handle these conspiracies and her negative outlook on everything. She is also rude to my husband and never looks at him when she talks. I just dont want her around, but i also do not want to hurt her feelings! YIIKESS.

Any advice would be great - feeling pretty fragile and exhausted at the moment.....I'm 34+4. Oh and dad isnt around so she is the only parental "support". Saying this my in-laws are absolutely amazing and actually very very helpful. So I do have that support after baby comes which is great :)

Absolutely say you are having a baby moon and no visitors at all for a minimum of 2 weeks!!

"So I need to not focus on that and foster a healthy relationship by setting very firm boundaries"

Your mother will not respect any boundary you care to set her and will actively also rail against that. There is already no healthy relationship here between she and you and you won't be able to foster one. She has and continues to use you as some sort of emotional sounding board/emotional punchbag. Trying to further seek her approval here will get you nowhere. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either (her own family did that to her).

Read about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and have a read of the website entitled out of the FOG. Keep her away from your child; if she is too difficult/toxic/outright batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your child too. She could well further harm your child in not too dissimilar ways as to how you've been harmed by her.