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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend refuses to post me/hides me from certain people

57 replies

curlyblondey · 07/10/2021 05:22

To set the scene, I’ve been with my boyfriend officially for a year. Unofficially for 4. I KNOW this is pathetic but he’s never posted me on social media. I would love for him to post a pic of us but he never has. Until this week that is. We’re on our first holiday and he posted a picture of us on his IG story. I know it’s pathetic but I was literally overjoyed, just felt so happy that he was finally acknowledging me in public etc. Then I thought about it and remembered you could restrict who sees your stories…I asked and he admitted to hiding it from his ex and her family (not sure who else as a huge argument ensued). It’s made me feel really shitty. I don’t want to ruin the holiday, am I being dramatic for being hurt by it?

OP posts:

Original poster

curlyblondey · 07/10/2021 05:31

Forgot to mention…it caused a huge argument that lasted all night. He said I was embarrassing and pathetic for caring about social media and couldn’t understand why I’d ever be sad about him restricting posts with me on them.

OP posts:

PurpleSapphire · 07/10/2021 05:38

Why after 4 years would he need to hide you from his ex? A few months I could understand if he thought it would hurt her feelings but 4 years? Sounds a bit dodgy I'm afraid.

KillashandraRee · 07/10/2021 05:38

Why unofficially for four? When did he break up with his ex? X

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2021 05:39

You've wasted enough time on this twat, don't you think?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 07/10/2021 05:43

I'm not convinced his ex is his ex

Dancingsmile · 07/10/2021 05:44

Why has he got his ex and their family on social media?
Why does he not want them to know he's in a relationship?
He is criticising you for seeing SM as important but he does as well if he's restricting who sees something.
It's not the social media that's the issue. It's the fact he's not open about being in a relationship with you.
You knew this already just tried not to face it.
Were you happy about not being official for 4 years or was that his doing ? 4 years is a very long time.
I'd say he's holding out to get his ex back. A big conclusion from little info but 4 years unofficial

Owlshouse · 07/10/2021 05:56

The fact there wasn't any posts about me wouldn't raise a concern on its own unless he regularly posted about other things as some people don't put a lot on and just use it to keep up to date with others, if a regular poster I'd find it odd that I was being excluded and would feel uneasy about it.

Based on what you've said, whilst I wouldn't have an issue with an ex on social media as I accept that everyone has a past and some breakups are friendly, I would have an issue if it appeared that my partner was making a special effort to hide my existence from them especially after the time you mention you have been together, I'm sorry to say I'd assume he was keeping options open and still had feelings. I'd think that they were either still talking, possibly meeting or alternatively that they weren't in direct contact but that he felt the need to track his ex on social media to know what is happening in their life so he is avoiding any risk of them deleting or blocking if they see he has a new partner, this would suggest he is not over ex and possibly a bit controlling/creepy keeping tabs on them?

Cherryana · 07/10/2021 05:59

It’s very odd and YANBU.

He is saying with his actions he is more afraid of his ex and her family knowing he has moved on than you and that is hurtful.

Unless there is a reason like children are involved and he is protecting them from your relationship until he knows it’s serious? Although, from what you describe in your op - it doesn’t sound like that.

I think (especially after a year) if he’s with you he should be proud to be with you and that should reflect in his actions.

You are not some dirty little secret that needs to be hidden and to act in that way reflects poorly on his ability to move forward and doesn’t show you the respect or commitment you deserve.

Simonjt · 07/10/2021 06:02

I’ve never posted pictures of my husband on social media, we’re not 12, we don’t need pictures of ourselves all over the internet.

Bagelsandbrie · 07/10/2021 06:17

This would annoy me too. He’s either not into social media or he is - fair enough if he never uses it but hiding you on it from certain people is weird.

forumdonkey · 07/10/2021 06:19

It's not about social media, it's about feeling like a dirty secret.

Has he got children with his ex? If not, he's really mugging you off or still shagging his ex

redtshirt50 · 07/10/2021 06:20

An exDP of mine never posted me on social media because (he said) his ex was very mentally unwell and he wasn't sure how she would react to seeing pictures of me and him.

I said just block her, to which he replied he had (and showed me) but that he still had lots of friends on there who knew her and might show her the pictures etc

I was never quite sure of his story but let it slide.

In the end, I found out he was still pretending to be single and acting as if I didn't exist when he was with a certain group of friends.

Has he introduced you to his friends and family? If the answer to that is no, that coupled with social media would be a big red flag for me.

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 07/10/2021 06:22

I have been with my partner for roughly the same time and we have never posted the other on social media.

It's really not indicative of our relationship being a secret, or either of us hiding the other - we're just not kids who think it's the be all and end all.

Is there other problems in your relationship? I feel this is the straw which broke camels back. Does he treat you well? Does he make you feel loved? Does he make you feel wanted? Do you feel secure and happy in your relationship?

Also, have you met his family and friends? If you have, he's not keeping you a secret!

Theunamedcat · 07/10/2021 06:23

Its not like you want a big announcement just some acknowledgement would be nice

Personally i would pick up my dignity and finish things with him

Staryflight445 · 07/10/2021 06:27

I’d end it there too. Regardless, his feelings are more valid and important than yours.

He sounds horrible.

SunShinesBrightly · 07/10/2021 06:31

Did he leave his ex for you?
Why were you in an unofficial relationship with him for 3 years?
Was he still with his ex?
Is his ex really his ex?
Does he have DC with her?

So many questions...

Emmas85 · 07/10/2021 06:32

Have you posted any photos of you both together? What was his reaction?

SmileyClare · 07/10/2021 06:39

Perhaps he has valid reasons for not wanting to upset his ex? Do they have dc together? Is this an attempt to keep things civil between them because she is likely to over react?
Did he cheat on her with you?

I'm old (er) and don't really get the importance of having a social media presence.

I think it's more important that he makes you a part of his life by introducing you to his family, friends, work colleagues and involves you in his world. Has this happened in real life?

TotallyFloored · 07/10/2021 06:41

I would be interested to know the answers to the questions raised by others like SunShinesBrightly.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 07/10/2021 06:42

Ate the unofficial three while they were together Nd she has suspicions. So it wouldnt be about you, but about how she views him? He doesnt want her being right?

TumtumTree · 07/10/2021 06:48

Have you met his friends and family? Is it only on social media that he hides your relationship, or IRL too?

Geamhradh · 07/10/2021 06:51

Have you met his friends and family? When did you first meet them? What do you know about his ex? (Clue: anything other than "I went out with this woman for three years, then we split" is probably too much unless there are children, and even then ..)
The SM isn't worrying. The fact, as others have said, that he actively says he doesn't want her to see you are together is an alarm bell in your ear. It can only mean one of three things: she's not his ex/he doesn't want her to be/she's a psycho nutjob with homicidal tendencies.
I doubt it's the last one.

SmileyClare · 07/10/2021 06:52

I do agree with him that you are putting far too much importance on your virtual life story. Real life is what matters.
Could you have a break from social media? That may change your perspective.

It's not a good sign if you aren't able to resolve conflicts in your relationship without arguing all night. That sounds really toxic, were you both drinking?
It's more important that he acknowledges you as his partner in real life imo and treats you well.

Hattie765 · 07/10/2021 06:52

There's never a good reason why someone is keeping a relationship secret. I'd move on, sounds like he's either seeing someone else or wants to.

TokyoTen · 07/10/2021 06:53

Sorry I think there is something else going on - double life or an OW. I personally think you've wasted enough of your life on him.

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