Single at 40, now what?

[Hohu]

Recently ended 2 Yr relationship over wanting different things. When we met we both said we wanted more children and talked often about the future. Fast forward a year and he changed his mind saying he wasn't sure about having another child. We had many tense conversations over the subject. He changed his mind many times going from "let's do it" and seeming genuinely excited to "x, y and z needs to be in place before even considering children!" I kept reminding him of my age but he seemed fine plodding along. He was very kind and loving and we got on so well but the uncertainty of the relationship made me quite depressed at the end and I finished it telling him I wanted more. I am still in two minds over whether I did the right thing.

So now I find myself single at 40 and quite deflated but trying to stay hopeful. I am a mother to my beautiful DD, aged 10 but always thought I'd have more. I have felt this broodiness for years and don't know what to do. The thought of OLD again depresses me and so does the thought of a donor and going it alone. I so wanted to create a family unit and at the beginning with ex was so happy thinking I found someone I really liked who wanted the same thing but then it all went sour. I was 38 when we met and had time then. Now I feel over the hill. Where can I go from here? Anyone been in this situation?

Go for a donor then. You haven't got time to wait for another relationship to develop to the point you're discussing kids together.

In your situation I'd leave the 2nd kid idea behind. Sorry but single parenting a 10 year old and an infant sounds like a real slog.
I am not particularly maternal though.

Do you think if it wasn't for wanting another child you would have stayed with your dp? Does he have dc too? As you, him and your dd is a family unit but maybe there was more issues than just the children aspect.

I can understand the broodiness but the thought of going it alone again puts me off, you still have to earn a living and it's very tough on your own, using childcare and being tired etc. I'm 41 and been single for 3 years, I have dated but haven't found anyone that wanted to settle down with me, I do have children already so not desperate to have more I just would of liked one more, I think I'm past it now by the time I find a partner if ever! I'm going to put my focus into working hard and create the best standard of living I possibly can. Babies are cute but hard work, your daughter is 10 almost off to secondary school, just think how much more time you'll have to yourself and possibly a full time career if you haven't already.

Maybe talk to a clinic about freezing some eggs, to give you more time?

Gonna be blunt op, at 40 you should probably start thinking about other things. I mean, yes, it could still happen but really, why let the desire for it override all the other good stuff in life?

Maybe he was not the right man for you. But if I was truly happy wit him then I wouldn't have left him over bullshit broodiness over a hypothetical, non existent child.

You may have been right to leave him as his tooing and fro-ing wasted your time though and this may have been a manipulation all along but please don't reduce your life to your ability or lack there of to have kids. There are far more things in life to experience.

Also, presumably youll need a year or so meet someone new and another two years minimum of knowing them before you would have kids...and that's only if that relationship gets that far, otherwise you'll be back to square one...

I just hope you left for you. And now because you thought it was your only chance for more kids.

Again, not saying it can't happen but...
Also, you'll have to be extra careful about picking men now because your broodiness may make you settle for the wrong man. And then, boom, life down the swanny.

Just, put the kid thing asside, seriously.
Find a different path and different dreams.
You never know, it may still happen but you shouldn't govern the rest of your life based around it.

Are you prepared to be a single mother of a newborn and do this alone or is it only really something you want to share with a partner?
If your desire to be a Mum again is so strong I'd start the ball rolling with regard to using a donor.
Maybe it's not ideal but that's life.

Well I am in a similar boat. However I have always said that if I do not meet anyone. I will adopt a second child. I have already put the wheels in motion for this. There are lots of children out there who need loving homes.

@junebirthdaygirl @Pinkbonbon I'm not sure if our relationship would have lasted tbh regardless of baby. He changed his mind a lot about babies and the constant backtracking seemed quite controlling at times. I would mention my age as being a reason to make a plan and his response would sometimes be that I was inpatient or in a rush or give me some response such as "what will be will be" which I thought was avoidant/dismissive and quite frustrating at times.

I have not based my life around having another child. I have a good life, good friends, successful career and am financially comfortable. I think another baby would enrich my life and the life of my daughter but obviously that would be more in a loving family unit instead of using a sperm donor and doing it alone again

@Whitechocpizza

Are you prepared to be a single mother of a newborn and do this alone or is it only really something you want to share with a partner? If your desire to be a Mum again is so strong I'd start the ball rolling with regard to using a donor. Maybe it's not ideal but that's life.

This is what it boils down to. But such a difficult choice. I want to do it with a partner but at 40 looks like my time has run out.

Forgot to say DD would love a sibling and I do feel guilty about never giving her one. We have many friends with babies and younger children and she adores them, so good with them and always has been. So a big part of my desire to have another child is for her.

Honestly, unless you are financially very secure and have a lot of practical support, I would probably let it go at this stage and focus on the family you already have - you and your daughter.

As a 40 year old single mother of a 10 year old, the probability of meeting a great man in time to (responsibly) have a child together are slim. You could spend the next 5 years desperately dating disappointing and unreliable men while the clock ticks loudly, or you can really enjoy those years while she is growing up.

If you are wealthy and well supported and could comfortably manage a baby and a preteen then that option looks better.

In a few more years your daughter will be glad she didn't have a sibling. So i wouldn't worry about her.
She likes the novelty of babies but I guarantee you that when it started taking away all her mothers attention and keeping her up nights...yeah, not so much then.

Being a single parent at any age is super tough, but at 40 I can imagine it would be much harder. I had a kid without any support (exP useless, no family locally) and nearly went insane. Don't underestimate how difficult it might be unless you have appropriate support - financial and practical - and even then realise it will be tough.

Well, chances of you meeting someone and having a baby are pretty slim! You could go down the sperm donor route. My friend did this and whilst pregnant she met her now husband.

I would focus on all the good things you do have in your life.

My friend got obsessed with a second child and ended up adopting a newborn. It was a lengthy process - her daughter was 15 when the child was placed and despite nagging and nagging for a sibling by the time she got one she was not interested and was being a typical teenager. My friend's marriage broke up, her teenage daughter is now a young woman and semi independent and my friend is stuck on her own as an older mum bringing up a child who is still very young and quite challenging.
Be careful what you wish for!

Op are you romanticising having a baby in a ‘happy family unit’?

It sounds like you want to recreate something that didn’t go the way you wanted with your first dc.

I would advise any woman in her thirties wanting children and without a partner to find a gay man / couple to have one with.

I wouldn’t have a baby alone using a sperm donor - too hard.

And I wouldn’t want to date with the pressure of Time to find someone to have a baby with. So I’d look for another way to create a family unit separate from my love life.

I also agree seeking to be happy with what you’ve got is good advice.

Lots of people don’t / didn’t have all the children they’d hoped for. I’d have loved a third, but by the Time I had space to consider it I felt I was too old (early forties) to responsibly role the dice again. Part of me will always yearn.

But although I’m with the father of my children ans we are often ‘a happy family unit’ I’m doubtful we could really have carried the pressures that come with another child. Life can be plenty tough with two.

The grass isn’t always greener.

Many little girls love babies and toddlers. My own did. They're now 13 and 14 and would not be happy sharing my time with one now. They're both now completely disinterested and find toddlers especially tedious and annoying.
A 10/11/12 year gap between siblings is massive. Aren't you effectively having 2 only children?

I actually think it’s shit to have a baby/toddler when the older child is entering their teens. Like it or not they also have to put up with the massive change in lifestyle, the crying at night, the sheer amount of attention a baby then toddler takes - all while navigating the tricky teen years.

Aged 10 a lot of kids are still very ‘kiddy’. Just wait until she’s been at high school for a year, they change enormously during that time.

I also think its sad you have some fantasy of a happy family unit, like you and her or you, her and your ex were not enough for that.

The reality of a baby sibling is not at all the same as the fantasy.

Tbh, I think you need to accept it is very unlikely to happen for you. Maybe get some counselling to work through it.

Try to enjoy what you have, and the life you and your dd can lead together. You can have adventures together that you couldn't have if you had another much younger child.

Yeah no teen wants a toddler in the house when they are trying to study for exams.

I got back with my abusive ex when our DD1 was 6. We planned our next baby and I finally had her (after 2mcs) when DD1 was nearly 8. I was 40, he left when I was 9weeks pregnant. He’s been a terrible dad; gambler, alcoholic, always absent. I have struggled to bring them up and work full time but DD1 has benefited from being a big sister and despite the age gap they adore one another. My life has been a lot harder having had a 2nd but she is wonderful and I do feel she completed my own feelings of being a mother. I remember that maternal pull so badly but this life has taken its toll on me in many ways, not least financially. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

I’d try and accept where you are at
You have a child , and you have yourself !
Single parenting two is hard hard work

I get the disappointment
But I’d try and heal and move onwards x

You and your DD are a happy family unit aren’t you??
I really admire you for recognising what was right for you and following through. Now you have the opportunity to bring new things into your life.

I too would reconsider the idea of another child. It could work out wonderfully for you but equally it might not. Also the teenage years are ( in my experience) the most demanding. The emotional issues that come up and support you need to give are huge. Plus they go to bed at the same time as you so you don’t get a break the same as you do now
If you are still broody, would you consider fostering? Even respite fostering on weekends? You clearly have a lot to offer.

Wishing you all the best

Apart from your ex changing his mind over DC2 and the way he handled it, was it a good relationship? If so then in your shoes I’d think again about choosing the relationship over the small chance of a fast, serious relationship with someone willing to ttc very quickly, or the challenges of going it alone.

Did YOU handle it well? Sounds like after only a short time you were v focused on wanting DC2.

If you don’t want to return to your ex, suggest deciding between trying to go it alone, if you have the means/think you and DD could handle it, or working on accepting that DC2 might well not happen, so that it doesn’t dominate future relationships.

2 years is a short relationship. Fertility issues or - not through choice - being in circumstances making having DC unlikely, are horrible.

IMO he wasn’t U to have doubts, especially if you both have existing DC to consider.

Many DC say they want a sibling but, if it happens, don’t enjoy much of the reality. A teen is unlikely to feel the same as a 10 year old about the prospect.

I’m a single parent and don’t understand what you mean by creating a happy family. Not ever family has a man/partner in it. Or do you mean you wanted another child?