Single at 40, now what?

[Hohu]

Recently ended 2 Yr relationship over wanting different things. When we met we both said we wanted more children and talked often about the future. Fast forward a year and he changed his mind saying he wasn't sure about having another child. We had many tense conversations over the subject. He changed his mind many times going from "let's do it" and seeming genuinely excited to "x, y and z needs to be in place before even considering children!" I kept reminding him of my age but he seemed fine plodding along. He was very kind and loving and we got on so well but the uncertainty of the relationship made me quite depressed at the end and I finished it telling him I wanted more. I am still in two minds over whether I did the right thing.

So now I find myself single at 40 and quite deflated but trying to stay hopeful. I am a mother to my beautiful DD, aged 10 but always thought I'd have more. I have felt this broodiness for years and don't know what to do. The thought of OLD again depresses me and so does the thought of a donor and going it alone. I so wanted to create a family unit and at the beginning with ex was so happy thinking I found someone I really liked who wanted the same thing but then it all went sour. I was 38 when we met and had time then. Now I feel over the hill. Where can I go from here? Anyone been in this situation?

@Lolabray

I’m a single parent and don’t understand what you mean by creating a happy family. Not ever family has a man/partner in it. Or do you mean you wanted another child?

I sometimes think people revert back to the 'script' ie. the societal expectation of man/woman/children unit as the only true and valid family set up. I could be wrong though, so I hope Op comes back with an a reply!

I wouldn’t bother with another child if I were you. Even if you got pregnant today she’d be at least 11 when you had the baby. If it were me, I’d accept that DD was the family I was meant to have and leave it. Have two kids that far apart would be awful. Plus would you want two babies so those two had close in age siblings? Because DD and ‘new baby’ will be like two only children. DH’s two have a large gap and that’s what it’s like for them. We debated long and hard over having a child together and now are three are 18 (mine) 17 and 11 (his) I’m so glad we didn’t as we can focus on ourselves.

I think you're being very negative OP. Maybe it's because your relationship ending has got you down, maybe it's because of other things.

When I am down, I tend to obsess over one thing that I incorrectly think would make my life better. Maybe this is what you're doing with a baby.

The way I see your life is:

• you had the courage to leave a relationship with a shitty man. Love your new found freedom!

• you have a wonderful ten year old now. In a few years she will be semi independent and you'll be as free as a bird to travel, pursues career goals, have hobbies and interests, spend time with friends and family.

• you have LOADS of time to meet a wonderful partner. He may have children, and you may find that larger family unit. Or you could adopt a child together?

From the outside your life sounds fabulous. Please don't be so hard on yourself!!

Another one hear not understanding the suggestion that you can't have a family unit without a man in it, or a second child. I don't mean this facetiously, but I spent a few years just being me and my DD, before remarrying, and it never once occurred to me that we weren't a family unit, or that something was missing.

sorry, HERE not HEAR!

I also am full of admiration that you were strong enough to end the relationship when you realised he wasn't right for you. You say you want another child, mainly for your daughter, but the reality is she will soon be a teen and as others have said, she may well not be so keen on the idea then. Why not concentrate on the relationship you have with her and revel in the fact that the world is your oyster and there's so much to enjoy with her as she grows up. In my experience teens need your support more than ever!