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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am l not allowed to be ill?!?

29 replies

NorthSouthcatlady · 06/10/2021 09:41

I was feeling really unwell yesterday and still not great. Of course it was the 1st day of a new job, luckily from home and l put on an Oscar winning performance. Despite being sick at lunchtime and numerous bouts of diarrhoea throughout the day. Works finishes, l chased up a few legal things for an imminent round of IVF -a notary has to notorise some papers. At that point l downed tools as l am too sick, have a shower and want to get into bed.

I ask in passing about a TV we have been waiting to be repaired for nearly 3 months. Partner advises he doesn't know, l am confused as the last time we talked about it then we had discussed a deadline of yesterday and he was to contact the repair man. He's then starts shouting at me that l need to make a decision and do research, l literally said about 4 times l am ill. He wanted me to whip out my laptop or phone and start talking about which TV to buy. He then said l have to talk about it there and then or he isn't doing anything. I want to get in bed, he then starts shouting at me telling me not to take painkillers and a sleeping tablet. I ignored him, l felt ill and wanted to go to sleep. He is then annoyed about that!

The backstory is most of the time my partner is keen to say l am fine. I might say l am ill, feel ill etc but he says l am fine. Even when l ended up with a ruptured ovarian cyst a few years ago, then he likes to downplay it and expressed frustration at him missing work. Despite me crying, sobbing and moaning, saying l had never been so unwell.

Im still fuming and not feeling well. He left for work this morning acting like nothing was wrong. Personally l am sick of his attitude, l don't think he is team catlady and unhappy about basically not being "allowed" to be ill. Also l am sick of having to plan and drive most things forward.

OP posts:
WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 09:43

I had a partner like this. I left him when I was undergoing serious treatment at hospital and he massively downplayed it and complained I wasn't going out anymore.

Shoxfordian · 06/10/2021 09:44

It doesn’t sound like he cares about you at all
He isn’t acting like much of a partner
Why do you put up with this?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 09:46

He’s horrible. You know he’s not behaving like a normal caring partner? It’s not okay.

What are your thoughts on this ivf cycle? Do you want to saddle yourself with such a nasty man for the rest of your life? A child with such an unpleasant uncaring father?

Hope you’re better soon and the job is going well. You can do better in a life partner. This one is awful.

coffeeisthebest · 06/10/2021 09:46

Ok, so, do you want to stay in this or get out?

NorthSouthcatlady · 06/10/2021 09:47

@Shoxfordian to be honest increasingly l don’t wish to. I never do the same to him. I wouldn’t dream of telling him he’s fine and not ill Confused

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 06/10/2021 09:50

@AnneLovesGilbert increasingly l think the IVF would be a bad idea. I have visions of being unwell with SPD or in pain from a caesarean but he saying “lm fine”. He swears blind this wouldn’t be the case, which is convenient Hmm

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/10/2021 09:52

Did you go into the detail of how you worked hard all day and then sorted out some other legal matters because that is what he brought up as an argument when you said you didn't want to google TVs for him? That is, has it got so far that you feel you have to defend yourself as if in a court? Are your arguments generally like that?

FlowerArranger · 06/10/2021 09:58

In your shoes, the very last thing I'd do is undergo IVF.

In fact I'd nail down my contraception.

Actually, scratch that. No need for CC because I'd be on my way out the door.

What exactly is he adding to your life and your wellbeing, @NorthSouthcatlady?

NorthSouthcatlady · 06/10/2021 09:59

@ravenmum yes, not that he often listens to me. Part of the issue is l do tasks earlier on in the day e.g. like put a wash on before work, pop to the shop at lunch etc. But he likes to leave everything to the end of the day. He then moans about how much he has to do. Then gets annoyed when at 1am he hasn’t made the bed and lm pushing to do it so l can go to sleep

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 10:03

He sounds properly awful and like he’ll continue to let you down.

You’re right to worry.

Can you look into ivf with a donor? I know that’s massive but something perhaps to consider.

Would you still need ivf if you weren’t with him?

No need to answer if that’s too personal.

MsPavlichenko · 06/10/2021 10:04

Don’t have children with him. He is already abusing you and it will ramp up if you become pregnant/have DC. Look at what he is doing not what he is saying.

Google the Freedom Programme and (IMO) start planning a future without him. Good luck with the new job!

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 10:04

You are wasting a load of your time and mental energy on arguments when you could just have a partner you can communicate with normally.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 06/10/2021 10:05

Do not have a baby with this man!

During your pregnancy you won't be allowed to feel tired, or ill, or emotional.

During labour you won't be allowed to feel tired, or ill, or emotional.

When the baby arrives you won't be allowed to feel tired or ill or emotional.

Seriously, this is NOT the man you want to chase a child with.

Pebbledashery · 06/10/2021 10:05

FYI. You don't need this man to have a baby. He sounds properly hideous. Don't do it to yourself. He doesn't sound like he respects you.

SingingSands · 06/10/2021 10:24

You already have a huge manchild to deal with on a daily basis, adding a real child into this mix will only makes things 10x worse. What if your child isn't allowed to be ill either? IVF is hard, and often heartbreaking. You will be vulnerable emotionally and physically. Can you honestly say that your partner will be 100% supportive of the process?

Crunchingleaf · 06/10/2021 10:37

I am 34 weeks pregnant and it’s not been the easiest pregnancy. I was very sick at the start and couldn’t tolerate smell of most foods so DP had to take over cooking for himself and DS, I have been getting pelvic pain so DP has to walk at my new pace instead of our usual fast pace and I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and he eats what I eats and doesn’t bring home treats I can’t eat, last night I woke up with an awful headache when he heard me getting up he insisted that he go downstairs to grab a glass of water and a paracetamol for me and that I should get back to bed. All of this has been done without him complaining or holding it against me. If you have a rough pregnancy (hopefully you won’t) can you trust that he will take care of you? It’s very lonely having a baby with someone who isn’t supportive you would be better off doing it alone.

austenprejudice · 06/10/2021 10:39

What kind of life would a baby have with this man?

BensonStabler · 06/10/2021 10:41

My abusive partner had this trait. I later learned he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has no empathy even though he faked having it for the first year or two, had child then he let his true colours show.

For example he would leave me with our toddler and me curled up on the bathroom floor with a severe flu, too unwell to hold my own head up to throw up, or have enough strength to hold a glass of water up to my mouth to stay hydrated.

I was curled up with two duvets and laying with my back against the radiator but i was still freezing. I had extremely violent rigors - whole body shaking with fever that was clearly visible to him, as was my vomiting, and general paleness, sweaty skin, and looking like death. He still said I was faking it, and just trying to ruin his day at spoil his plans and he’s not falling for it! He would never listen to reason and in his mind was NEVER wrong. He would judge me and project his nasty manipulative behaviours and thoughts onto me as if i was capable of what he was. He wasn’t capable of being reasoned with, he would not listen and would literally walk away or leave the house when i tried to get my feelings and needs across to him, he was incapable of seeing genuineness. He would only want to fulfil his own selfish needs and twisted agendas. With no conscience or awareness of the hurt and destruction his moods, temper, rages, tiarades, vengeance and overall horrendous behaviour was having on me and our child.

He was giving me verbal abuse and evil hateful glare as he walked out the house. I truly was not able to take care of our child. He left me alone with our child the entire day and evening from very early in the morning just to play golf, because it’s more important to him. He was good at it so he got his ego stroked through it.

After he left our house, I had to crawl to the landline house phone to call my Dad to come home from his work to get my daughter. Abusive partner snarled at me with hate and contempt, he had to give me one last hateful evil glare as he closed the door. More often than not he never believed me or had any sympathy or empathy, yet he would expect everyone to fall in line and run around playing nurse maid if he was sick.

I started having real chronic health problems and later diagnosed with multiple serious conditions that have left me disabled and will shorten my life by half. He never got any better, only worse. He wasn’t even there for our child when they were 12 and hospitalised and had hallucinations, delirious, near death with sepsis from a kidney infection.

This is not even the tip of the iceberg of the horrors and controlling coercive verbal and emotional abuse he has put me through.

Hindsight is 2020. All i can say is this lack of empathy and respect is a MAJOR red flag🚩. He will not change. Don’t live on the hope things will get better. It doesn’t. Run. Don’t have a child with this man. It’s not a quality you want in a partner or Father.

daisyjgrey · 06/10/2021 10:55

He will be utterly shit during a pregnancy, labour and post birth.

Save yourself while you can!

Regularsizedrudy · 06/10/2021 12:24

Please don’t have a baby with this dickhead

ACNHMAMA · 06/10/2021 12:28

@Regularsizedrudy

Please don’t have a baby with this dickhead
Exactly
HundredMilesAnHour · 06/10/2021 12:34

You refer to him as your partner but he's not really, is he? You're doing all the work. Where's the partnership here? How is he sharing the load?

Please don't have a baby with this man. Get out while you can and find a decent man who will be an actual partner.

SpiceRat · 06/10/2021 12:44

Raise your standards. You cannot seriously want a future and a child with a man who treats you with such disdain? Imagine how he will treat your child when poorly, or even a screaming newborn, he won’t support you through pregnancy either if this is how he copes when your a bit poorly. What would happen if you hit seriously ill or even if something tragic happened and you became disabled? I’m not a LTB person but you deserve better than this!

Drinkingallthewine · 06/10/2021 16:56

No no no.
Having a baby you need someone who believes you. Who believes in you. Who packs you off to bed to rest when he sees you are knackered. Who brings you water when you are breastfeeding, who is mindful of any PND. Who respects the fact that while 6 weeks is the minimum amount of time before sex can resume after having a baby, that for many many women it takes a lot longer than that and is fully accepting and understanding of that and has that drought willingly without any sulking or pressure.

Find a better man to have a baby with.

Colourmeclear · 06/10/2021 18:48

My other half is the same, saves up all his chores for the end of the day but moans about it endlessly. He is always late to everything, takes weeks to listen to his voicemails, never plans anything. That's who he is its annoying but I accept it ONLY because he is the most compassionate person I have ever met. He's worried about me long before I worry about myself, drove 200 miles round trip every weekend to see me in hospital etc. Some thing's are annoying habits, other things are deal breakers. Compassion is one of them in my opinion.