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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex moving on, feeling so low

28 replies

xjusttired · 05/10/2021 22:21

Me and my ex boyfriend broke up a year ago after 9 years together (both currently 23).

For the past year we haven't really cut contact, he has been begging for me back but I have wanted to be single. I have felt so much guilt throughout the year of hurting him.

Fast forward to around 3-4 weeks ago we completely cut contact as I wanted him to be able to move on without thinking of me.

Now I feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life, I have realised how much I adore him and can't believe I took him for granted and let him go. I've heard he's sleeping with someone else which is fine as he's single and can do what he wants. I just feel so incredibly low now. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for letting go of the love of my life.

Does anyone have any advice for me please? My heart hurts so much I'm in physical pain, please be nice Sad

OP posts:
BakingOfTheFoodCats · 05/10/2021 22:22

Sounds like you only wanted him when you heard he’s moved on

RevolvingPivot · 05/10/2021 22:24

What's changed your mind?

NotaCoolMum · 05/10/2021 22:26

You spent a year feeling guilty because he wanted you back and you kept having to tell him no- you then cut contact because you wanted him to move on. He has now moved on. Now you “adore” him and can’t believe you let him go. If you adore him so much, why did you spend the last year rejecting him? You’re being extremely selfish. Let him move on.

Rainbowheart1 · 05/10/2021 22:28

I think your confusing emotions here. How can you be split up for a year and be fine about it, to the point your the one that cuts contact, but as soon as his fine with it now you feel you’ve made a mistake and lost the love of your life. That’s not really how it works, it’s more likely you are confusing emotions, he isn’t the love of your life otherwise he wouldn’t have even needed to beg.

I’d stick with what your doing, don’t go back now, that would almost seem cruel!

Original poster
xjusttired · 05/10/2021 22:30

Wow there's no need for the harsh comments. I have never said I'm going to stop him moving on, I'm not trying to get him back or anything I just wanted advice for feeling so low and broken hearted.

I guess I didn't realise what I had until it was gone, we haven't really had a break from eachother for the past year and now that we have I realise I miss him. And he slept with a few people after the break up so this has absolutely nothing to do with him sleeping with anyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
xjusttired · 05/10/2021 22:31

Thank you @Rainbowheart1, I think you may be right. I just think it's the fact of being used to being with someone for so long and then it going to nothing. It almost feels like I'm grieving someone who is still alive (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 05/10/2021 22:33

I think you only want him back because he is actually meeting other people now.

It is maybe a bit of jealousy rather than actually wanting him back.

I would just move on now and let him too.

Rainbowheart1 · 05/10/2021 22:34

Maybe it’s because you thought the grass was greener? (Being single and able to have lots of fun) but actually it isn’t as good as you thought and now “his moved on” you feel you can’t go back and the grass is not very green?

It’s always going to be that way though, that’s normal really.

I’m just grabbing at straws, but it maybe why you’ve had such a change of heart. I wouldn’t act on it as it may just pass, these things happen in so many aspects of life…jobs, hobbies, friends…

GreenClock · 05/10/2021 22:34

I don’t want to upset you but you sound a little self-centred. I’m guessing that you’re single but that you had assumed you would meet someone else (and move on) first, so your ex having a new partner seems galling. It’s understandable, but try to keep away from him. It wouldn’t be fair to spoil his new relationship.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 05/10/2021 22:41

I think it’s because he is no longer chasing you. Was you expecting that to go on forever? Is it because he’s met someone and you haven’t? Jealousy? Maybe you expected to move on first?

Original poster
xjusttired · 05/10/2021 22:46

It's nothing to do with the fact that he's slept with someone, he's slept with a few people since we broke up. It's just the fact that he's no longer there I just miss him as a person.

Thanks for the comments everyone, but I definitely won't be speaking to him or trying to get him back - that's not what this post is about. It's more looking for advice on what I can do to move on with my life and forget about him.

OP posts:
Treesareourfriends · 05/10/2021 22:46

9 years is a long time and a year of contact didn't let you properly let go of the relationship. Understandable you are grieving now and part of that will be denial (hence now you feel you love him) before acceptance.

For whatever reason you ended it, maybe you cared but you knew you two weren't compatible, or it had ran as far as it could, or you fell out of love. It happens. A lot. Don't second guess yourself. I bet it was the right decision and this is just the healing process. You've got a new door open for you, enjoy it and focus on the new positive stuff x

NotaCoolMum · 05/10/2021 23:00

You’ll feel better about letting him go once you start to get excited about someone new. You’ll be okay I promise ❤️‍🩹🌻

monarchoftheglen · 05/10/2021 23:09

From what I understand, you were together from the age of 13?
Therefore he would have been your 'first love'?
If so, it's not uncommon for people to retain a fondness for their 'first', even a long time after breaking up. I think the best thing to do is to keep with the 'no contact' and ask mutual friends not to tell you what he's up to. In terms of you moving on - I'd encourage you to focus on yourself for a while - enjoy time with friends, spend time on hobbies, etc.
I hope you feel more positive soon Flowers

urbanbuddha · 05/10/2021 23:19

You grew up together. It's no wonder you're missing him now that part of your life is over.
Stay busy. Develop a new interest - photography, learning a language, coding, whatever. Set 10 minutes aside each day to think of him and at the end of 10 minutes do something else. Dance every day.

SammyScrounge · 06/10/2021 01:04

@BakingOfTheFoodCats

Sounds like you only wanted him when you heard he’s moved on
Definitely.
lilmishap · 06/10/2021 02:14

There's nothing selfish about it, what a bizarre attitude, this is a normal shitty stage of a breakup that knocks most of us for six and will have been amplified by the contact you had after the split.

Stay no contact for your own sake and try to distract yourself from it.

No idea why you're getting a hard time here, it's only been 4 weeks no contact after 10 years of being in each others lives, most women would feel the same in your shoes.

It's likely shocked the shit out of you and made you panic, but you will get used to it quicker than you think and move on properly, this is just another stage of the breakup, it will pass.

Biscuits1 · 06/10/2021 06:25

If you have had a change of heart and he always wanted you back, why don't you give it another go? You were very young when you got together so it is understandable why you thought you wanted to be single. I think the no contact with him has given you the breathing space that you needed.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/10/2021 06:34

I think you’re only just now dealing with the break up. You always had the option before of taking him back and now you don’t

What were your reasons for breaking it off?? I’m sure they are still valid.

Being single in your 20s is fantastic. It is a great time to learn about yourself, pursue career goals and really work out what you want from life. Take this opportunity.

Keeping busy will also mean that the hurt goes away faster. Set yourself some goals - that don’t involve men and try to achieve them.

Work out what you want out of a relationship
Focusing on yourself will make you happier in the long run than just going out and sleeping with the first person you meet. It takes time to grieve a relationship but that doesn’t mean you can’t use that time productively.

Anycolourwilldo · 06/10/2021 07:08

Ow, OP, it's so hard. I think most of us have been there.
I don't think there is anything actively you can do aside from keep trying to move on with your own life. Focus on yourself, meet new people, say yes to new experiences. You will get over him but it might take a little while since you were together for a while.
Look after yourself and you will be ok

Anycolourwilldo · 06/10/2021 07:11

I'd like to add that I was in a relationship at uni that ended when I was in my early 20s and I was single for most of my 20s. While I was heartbroken for a while, I also had a ball. I'm so happy I was single for most of those years, I lived in a house share in London and had the time of my life. I dated men, but become quite picky (thankfully) and didn't settle for any old bloke who showed an interest.
The next phase of your life is coming - embrace it. You will be fine.

GrandmasCat · 06/10/2021 07:14

Hey, this will wear off soon. You didn’t want to be with him anymore and have kept to it for a year, so you were not taking him for granted or didn’t realise how important he was.

This is just a natural reaction, more akin to be surprised he moved on before you did, more like “why not me?” So don’t confuse yourself thinking you still love him, you may do as a friend but that is no reason to get back together. Enjoy your single life, be happy for him, guilt is over after all, and move on Smile

GrandmasCat · 06/10/2021 07:21

In terms of what you can do not to feel like that, keep busy, and do not overthink it, every time you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself just distract yourself, turn the TV on, get on your phone, whatever. Do nothing imaginé this feeling will be gone in days, it would possibly be a few weeks, so do not fight it or put pressure on yourself, just keep try to keep busy until it goes away.

Original poster
xjusttired · 06/10/2021 21:33

Thank you so much for those of you who have left nice comments.

For those who asked, the reason we broke up was because I felt like we had grown apart. He was constantly getting fined for driving offences which was stressful, ended up getting arrested for a drug offence so by the end I was fed up. I just felt like he was irresponsible and needed to grow up.

I am trying to distract myself, it hits me at night when I'm laying in bed I just feel so sad x

OP posts:
BakingOfTheFoodCats · 06/10/2021 22:51

Sounds like you definitely done the right thing ending it op. Don’t go back there, it’s easy to look back and remember the good times and forget the bad.