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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has left me will he come back?

60 replies

Loolabells · 05/10/2021 14:37

So my husband has decided he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and he doesn’t love me. I am devastated by this it seems to have come a bit out of the blue a few weeks ago he told me that he was unhappy and he needed space but now he’s decided to go to stay at his mums.
I really want for him to come back and work on the relationship do you think he will come back?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loolabells · 05/10/2021 15:22

He’s said previously that he finds it hard sometimes that when he comes home from work helping with DS and the house is too much. Yeah I have lots of family and friend support but don’t want to tell people as it makes it feel more real for me

OP posts:
Tiredofbs123 · 05/10/2021 15:22

I’m sorry but I tend to agree with other posters. It does sound as though he’s been cheating or is thinking about it.

And they pretty much all say no one else is involved. It’s straight out of the cheater handbook.

I’d go detective and delve.

Sick to death of these man children walking out on their young families because some other woman has caught their eye. So entitled, so immature, so selfish!

Please take care of yourself and your little one. Lean on friends and family.

smallybells · 05/10/2021 15:23

This is sad to hear OP!

In all honesty, would you want someone to come back who has already walked away once?

If he isn't happy in the relationship, as sad as it is for you, then it's not right for you to both be together. Your DC will benefit from being raised by two happy adults who aren't in a relationship, rather than with parents who are together but not happy.

Hopefully you can have a talk with him and clear the air / find out what he's thinking - I'd make sure to give him some space and make sure that although you are upset, you take some time to yourself to try and heal. I know you are devastated now, and hope you can find some strength.

Tiredofbs123 · 05/10/2021 15:25

Yep… that’s pretty much what I’ve heard from all the cases irl it’s all too much ‘growing up’ so off they run back to live with mum.

I’m just so sorry but you’ll have to be the strong one for your little one. And please whatever you do, don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth!

twoandeights · 05/10/2021 15:26

So he doesn’t want to step up? He’s gone to his mums. Is she mollycoddling him right now? Cooking his food and doing his washing? How old is he? Having a toddler is hard. How does he expect you to do everything and never get a break? What exactly does he want to do in the evening then? Nothing? If I was you don’t pander to the man baby. I’d stand firm. We have a child and a house and you have responsibilities. If you don’t want to do those responsibilities then it’s best you stay where you are while I see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. Please let me know which weekends and evenings you want DS so we can get the 50% contact organised. I’m guessing his mother will do all the childcare too?

FourTeaFallOut · 05/10/2021 15:28

It might not be an affair. Lots of relationships break down in the first year of parenthood and men realise they can't pick up and put down the responsibility like a console game.

flyingsauces · 05/10/2021 15:33

Fear the way these men think it's ok to clear off to mum's house when they have a dependent 15 month old! Whoever do they think they are?! Sorry OP but more than likely he will need an OW. In the history of men they don't usually give up their at home cosy perks unless there's an OW.

Original poster
Loolabells · 05/10/2021 15:33

I feel for our DS I want to have the opportunity for him to have a family that’s together. As I feel since he told me he was unhappy we haven’t tried to make things better between us.

If there is OW is there any way I could find out about it?

OP posts:
flyingsauces · 05/10/2021 15:33

love

SpindleWhirl · 05/10/2021 15:36

Where does he work? What sort of place?

1forAll74 · 05/10/2021 15:37

Would he be agreeable, to having a sit down chat about all the problems. at least trying to explain all things, instead of just saying that he want's some space. If he is a decent man, he owes it to you, so as to put your mind at rest, one way or another. Communication is always best, instead of just taking off somewhere, as you need to know how things stand, if things are not good.

Namechangeapologies · 05/10/2021 15:38

it having happened to me in the past, I would agree that a verbal denial of there being OW is most likely a lie.

but even if it was not a lie and there really is no other woman, the act of leaving your spouse, especially if there is a 15 month old baby from the marriage is enough for me to really not want him back whatever

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 15:41

@Loolabells

He’s said previously that he finds it hard sometimes that when he comes home from work helping with DS and the house is too much. Yeah I have lots of family and friend support but don’t want to tell people as it makes it feel more real for me
Oh boo hoo poor him having to be a parent and look after a house when he chose to have a family...

He needs to grow up.

toolazytothinkofausername · 05/10/2021 15:41

@Loolabells

I feel for our DS I want to have the opportunity for him to have a family that’s together. As I feel since he told me he was unhappy we haven’t tried to make things better between us.

If there is OW is there any way I could find out about it?

You are enough family for your DS. You will continue to ensure your son feels safe and secure. What your husband does is his business, but you and your DS will go on and have a brilliant life regardless.
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 05/10/2021 15:44

So sorry op what a terrible shock for you.
Be kind to yourself and use your support network over the next few days and weeks.

Babdoc · 05/10/2021 15:44

Any man who can just walk away from his wife and baby is beneath contempt.
When will these immature boys grow up and shoulder their responsibilities as husbands and fathers? Running home to mummy - pathetic. You are well shot of him, OP, whether you believe that yet or not.
If he does come crawling back, I hope you tell him where to go.

Original poster
Loolabells · 05/10/2021 15:45

I keep thinking it’s my fault as have struggled with my emotions and snapped at him when he’s done something that has annoyed me

OP posts:
Pollypocket89 · 05/10/2021 15:47

Playing devil's advocate, I never understand on threads like these how men get called all sorts for 'abandoning his wife and children'. Maybe there is a ow, maybe not but people are allowed to fall out of love and continue to parent their children

I hope you're OK, op

Theoscargoesto · 05/10/2021 15:48

I’ve been where you are. In my case it was the classic script: I’m not happy we don’t want the same things I’m moving out-all out of the blue. In my case there was OW and as others have said, he was waaay ahead of me as he was making the decisions.

Gather your dignity. Remember that he chose not to tell you of his unhappiness or dissatisfaction and that, had he dove so, you’d have talked and tried to work it through. He isn’t obliged to stay but it does make me cross that people in this situation are just not kind or honest.

If it is the end, OP, you WILL be ok, you will get through this.

Steelesauce · 05/10/2021 15:49

I've been where you've been. It came out in the end there was another woman. Dont do what I did and play the pick me game. Accept it and move on, you'll heal so much faster then clinging on to someone who clearly doesn't care. 12 months I clung on and I could have been out living my life and enjoying myself. Life is so much better now.

Redjumper1 · 05/10/2021 15:51

He may not have another woman. He may just not want all the work that it takes to be a successful Husband and Father. Depending on how much his Mum mollycoddles him, he may simply think it easier to slip back into teenage mode. Some Men are like this. They are just not cut out for it. If he is like this then in the end it will be no loss for you. Equally if he is having an Affair it will be no loss for you. If it is general struggles and he finds out that the grass is not greener then he may come back.

You should think about what is best for you. Doesn't sound like it is him.

Brainwave89 · 05/10/2021 15:51

So for me any man that walks out on a 15 month old with no real explanation and leaving you feeling like this is just a shit. OP look after yourself and your child Flowers. If he does eventually show up, think really carefully if you let him back into your life. Meanwhile make sure that he pays his fair share of everything, and does his share of child rearing. Wonder what his mum thinks of his behaviour?

waybill · 05/10/2021 15:54

I suspect that he may be feeling that he is no longer Number 1 in your affections, because you are putting the baby's needs before him.

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/10/2021 15:56

My husband also announced, pretty much out of the blue that he was unhappy, but couldn't really give me a reason. I spent a few weeks trying desperately trying to work out what was wrong, changing myself to make him happier, clinging on to any hope that things would be ok.

Then I found out he was having an affair. As devastated as I was, I also felt a sense of relief...that I wasn't going mad, that I wasn't to blame for my marriage falling apart and that I didn't have to live like that a day longer. When he got home from work his bag was packed and I asked him to leave.

I don't know if or when he would have told me but I wish he had because those few weeks were worse than any that followed I think.

There might not be an OW but if there is, you can only wait until he tells you or you find out. Either way, if he wants out then there's not much you can do but I hope you can work on things if there is no-one else involved.

WizardOfAus · 05/10/2021 15:57

He’s having an affair.

Men follow a script for these things and he’s already checked off few trademark behaviours from the checklist below.

You need to read this book and the website and get prepared.

www.runawayhusbands.com

You have all this to come:

Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

You don’t need to check off all ten to fit the definition.

  1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.
  2. The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.
  3. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane conversation.
  4. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.
  5. By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.
  6. The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.
  7. The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife and may describe himself as the victim.
  8. In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.
  9. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.
10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history.