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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever ok?

34 replies

sesamebreadsticks · 05/10/2021 13:14

I think I'm going to be that person. The one who asks for confirmation that somethings not right. The one who would read someone else's thread and wonder why they needed to ask. But I'm that person today. Wondering if my own faults and the way that I obviously cause hurt to someone, justifies them saying the things they do. I have asked a thousand times to not be spoken to like this. He says he has asked a thousand times for me to change and I haven't, so I guess that makes us even. But does it make it ok to be told I'm a fucking cow, that he hates me, that I make his flesh crawl? I say told, I mean screamed. And I'm hearing of our child. I am working today and going over my mistakes this morning. I was angry at the division (or not) of tasks - for the billionth time. I ranted and raged a little. I got these words back. There is obviously so so so much more behind this and I don't want to go into it all. We are "normal" "decent" people in a screwed up toxic relationship. I think. I can't say more right now, I just need to be that person asking - was that ok?

OP posts:
tanstaafl · 05/10/2021 13:17

I’m going to be that person who replies

What do (either of) you get from this relationship OP?

SassenachWitch · 05/10/2021 13:19

No, that's not ok at all.

But your child/ren might grow up thinking it's ok, if they see their father treating their mother this way.

pinkyredrose · 05/10/2021 13:19

No it wasn't ok. Forget about 'faults', i don't think it matters. What matters is that your relationship isn't working. You need to split up for the sake of your child, they don't deserve to live in an environment where you shout at each other.

Tafelberg · 05/10/2021 13:19

What would you tell your sister or best friend if they asked this question?

Sending you Flowers I know it’s hard, even when you know the answer.

Colourmeclear · 05/10/2021 13:20

No, it's not ok. It's quite possible to have conflicts without being judgemental or abusive. When he is swearing at you he is not communicating at all. Calling you a fucking cow tells you nothing except that he doesn't respect you. He's screaming it at you, actually. You don't have to take this from someone who is supposed to love and value you.

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 13:21

Neither of you screaming, shouting and insulting each other in front of or in earshot of a child is ok.

Original poster
sesamebreadsticks · 05/10/2021 13:21

Right now, nothing. We are both so unhappy. It's complicated and always has been. We have a 20 year history and children and were married, then divorced then together again. There is so much history, so much hurt, but I hoped it would change and we could be two people we very clearly are not.

OP posts:
Original poster
sesamebreadsticks · 05/10/2021 13:22

Sorry I don't know how to tag to thank people or respond individually. But thank you. I'm sat in my car in my lunch break having a little cry. But then a voice in my head tells me I'm being really dramatic and that this is not such a big deal and that I'm as much to blame.

OP posts:
MamDancer · 05/10/2021 13:50

@sesamebreadsticks

Right now, nothing. We are both so unhappy. It's complicated and always has been. We have a 20 year history and children and were married, then divorced then together again. There is so much history, so much hurt, but I hoped it would change and we could be two people we very clearly are not.
It sounds like both of you are addicted to the drama, hence the remarriage.
bigbaggyeyes · 05/10/2021 13:53

Of course you're not being dramatic.

It's ok to moan about the division of labour and complain about it if you're not happy, what isn't ok is to be verbally abused. What an awful thing to say to someone

RelapsedChocoholic · 05/10/2021 14:01

It really doesn’t matter if it’s one or both of you to blame, the end result is exactly the same

You’re not being over dramatic- this is meant kindly; please stop damaging your children and yourself. You all deserve better. Flowers

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/10/2021 14:03

But does it make it ok to be told I'm a fucking cow, that he hates me, that I make his flesh crawl? I say told, I mean screamed.

No, it's not OK. It doesn't make a difference who started it or who is to blame, what matters is that it has to stop. So, what do you need to do to make it stop? If the only realistic way is to split up then that's what you have to do. For the children's sake so they don't have to grow up hearing this.

were married, then divorced

So really you already do know what you need to do. You did it once but you didn't follow through, you got back together again which was a mistake. You have to do it again. You have to divorce, and this time you have to mean it. Permanently.

Justcallmebebes · 05/10/2021 14:06

It's certainly never ok to subject children to years and years of toxicity between their parents, no

AgathaX · 05/10/2021 14:18

You've said you're in a screwed up toxic relationship. That is reason enough to separate. Worse that your child is hearing this. You need to end this. It's horrible to live with, even more horrible to grow up with parents like this.

Anordinarymum · 05/10/2021 14:22

Why did you go back to him?

MartyHart · 05/10/2021 14:26

If that's how he feels then tell him to sling his hook.
If he didn't mean it then he was just being deliberately cruel so should sling his hook.

I've been married almost 20 years and never in all that time, despite some serious downs have we ever hurled insults.

It's definitely not ok, so OP what do you want? If it's permission to be upset, please take it from me. Permission granted.
I'm sorry you are in this situation.
For you Flowers

TopCatsTopHat · 05/10/2021 14:38

None of the conflict you describe is a constructive way to resolve a problem. So even if you are at fault too, this tit for tat is just an endless carousel of living on eggshells and waiting to step on a landmine. It's no way to live and a horrid example for the kids. Imagine if you finally cut each other loose because you realise can't unravel your dynamic into something more pleasant and healthy... and then you have to watch it all unfold again through one of your children as the embark on a familiar relationship and you see them go through this too.
It just sounds never-ending exhausting and miserable.

dorris88 · 05/10/2021 14:43

If I made my partners skin crawl, I wouldn't never forget that. I couldn't be with him.

Please leave and do yourself and your child the biggest life favour ❤️ know your worth.

MarshmallowSwede · 05/10/2021 14:45

I don’t think it’s ok. And you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that. As soon as he said that you should have told him to get out of your house. Yes I get it is both of your home, but asking him to leave would have let him know he crossed a line. And what about the role modeling for your child?

Get rid of this clown ASAP. I can assure you that you do not deserve to be spoken to this way. And if he is feeling this way then he can go somewhere else.

noirchatsdeux · 05/10/2021 14:56

For me personally, I could never 'unhear' that he hated me, that I made his flesh crawl...it would be over from the second he finished that sentence.

You would feel that the words themselves aren't a big deal (they are) but the effect they will keep having will be....especially on the child who heard them, even if they are an adult. No matter how old you get, you don't want to hear your parents speaking to each other that way.

LaBellina · 05/10/2021 14:59

What you describe is emotional, verbal abuse, plain and simple. You opened this thread because deep down inside you know what’s going on but you doubt your own judgement, please DON’T. Your gut feeling was spot on, this is toxic. And once it gets toxic, it almost never gets back to normal.
I would LTB

LemonTT · 05/10/2021 15:43

Basically a morning in your home is you ranting and raving and him screaming insults. With your children watching on and presumably going into school were they are supposed to be learning and developing as a child or young person.

Fact of the matter they won’t be able to learn will be stressed and upset. A target for all sorts of childhood grief.

The victims aren’t the adults here. But the adults can do something about it. The question to you OP is what will you do to stop this scene being repeated.

Original poster
sesamebreadsticks · 05/10/2021 18:12

I don't have much time at the moment but I wanted to thank you all for all your helpful comments, I honestly appreciate it more than you can imagine. I'll be back later

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/10/2021 18:24

It’s not ok
You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that x

Original poster
sesamebreadsticks · 05/10/2021 22:41

@TopCatsTopHat

None of the conflict you describe is a constructive way to resolve a problem. So even if you are at fault too, this tit for tat is just an endless carousel of living on eggshells and waiting to step on a landmine. It's no way to live and a horrid example for the kids. Imagine if you finally cut each other loose because you realise can't unravel your dynamic into something more pleasant and healthy... and then you have to watch it all unfold again through one of your children as the embark on a familiar relationship and you see them go through this too. It just sounds never-ending exhausting and miserable.
This was a really great way of putting it and really sums things up. I don't want my children thinking this is normal. The battles and fights are not normal, I can see that from all the responses. The things that have become "normal", just one of those things would probably be enough to drive a wedge between most couples. I have caused hurt by not giving my all to trying to make things work - I carry guilt for not being true to my feelings when after a long separation he came back into my life. I've held onto a dream as that's what I wanted when we first separated. I didn't respect myself enough to see that I had changed and was no longer fighting to keep something that deep down wasn't right in the first place. I've made mistakes in hoping for a different outcome and causing hurt in the process, but I do know that still doesn't justify the words and the shouting I receive. I know we are at the end of the road.
OP posts: