What is the key to the success in YOUR relationship?

[Windows01]

I'm not taking about general out of a book type stuff, but in real life from your actual relationship, what is the ingredient(s) that make it successful?

I'd say mine is give and take / compromise, which I'm expecting to be repeated within the thread, but also interested to know other strong points of success.

I'm referring to a sharing of working, household tasks, finances and mutual understanding of the want and need to each have time to ourselves and together.

We value contentment more than excitement.

Weekend's away.
Not living together.
Not being petty about money or anything else.
Supportive to each other.
Hormones...I fancy him, he fancies me.

Common values, not necessarily opinions. Healthy conflict resolution ( good old argument) if you are constantly worried that the slightest disagreement is going to be the end of your relationship then it’s not a relationship. Never seethe is our relationship motto.
Good sex and friendship.

Good uninhibited sex where you or he can suggest that thing that makes you blush but it's alright - the other person can veto OR say hell yes, - it doesn't matter. And having a really good laugh together. Also a bedrock of courtesy, kindness and generosity. Just being decent open nice humans. And a good weekend brunch. And not rushing that lovely person in to your children's life post divorce.

Absolute honesty. A lot of laughs. Similar attitude to cleanliness / tidiness around the home. Both consider fish and chips in a layby is a great night out.

Truly viewing each other as equals in every way. There is no sense of the higher earner having ownership over the purse strings or any "default parent" BS. We share everything equally - money, responsibility, parenting, decision-making etc. And having the same priorities and life goals, even if we sometimes don't agree on how to get there.

Not living together
Fancying each other and sending saucy texts
Great sex
Laughing until we cry

Communicate Communicate Communicate! About everything. People forget how much they assume about their partner and what they're really thinking.

Also respect- listen and try and understand from their viewpoint, even if you think it's silly.

We both try and do more housework than the other, with the idea that people often overestimate what they do so if we both do 'over' hopefully it's fair!

We've noticed when we're grouchy it's because we haven't actually had much quality time together. So important to get that in somehow and always try.

Appreciating each other and being grateful for what we have

1. Doing things for each other.

We was both in a previous relationship where we have 100% and never had anything back. So I know how important it is to make him a drink, to tidy up after him, to cook for him, to listen to him, to pay for a meal, to buy him an occasional small gift etc etc. And he knows the same goes for him to me (not that we ever expected it of each other!). It sounds very materialistic but in my eyes my partner deserves to be shown action after action that I'll go to the end of the earth for him, and he knows the same. That huge effort on each other has brought so much to the relationship rather than it all being one sided. Appreciation and showing it transforms relationships!

1. Not to bring extra stress in to the relationship in a life where everything around us is stressful as it is.

He's had a hard day, he doesn't need to come home to me nagging at him for x, y or z because I'm not happy about something or the way something was done as well. Instead, I make sure his home is is safe haven, and he makes sure my home is for me too. Hows your day been? Can I do anything for you? Do you want to sit down and talk about it? Goes a long way. Learning to pick our battles has made only the things that are truly worth arguing for count.

1. Letting each other have a perspective.

I strongly disagree with an opinion. That's okay. I'll tell him I disagree, maybe a reason why if I feel in the mood for a debate but if I'm not in such an understanding mood I will just listen. Everyone has their own mind and opinions, he is allows to tell he why he disagrees without me getting my back up and so am I. Unfortunately, past relationships of mine have suffered because of difference of opinion, some people just can't seem to get their head around it that if I disagree, I am not saying they are 'wrong' I just disagree. So on the flip side, I won't be that person and drag a relationship down if I don't like what he is saying!

1. We let each other parent.

We have a child each. Both children have had different backgrounds and experiences and personalities. We step in when we need to with each other's children but otherwise step back when we know we should. It's helped loads with the split families/step parenting dynamic.

1. Communication and honesty.

Last but not least of course. If I'm upset - I communicate. If I'm happy - I'll show it. If I'm feeling appreciative, I'll make sure he knows it by either words or actions.
We are trying to learn how to tell each other something, even if we feel the other might get offended or hurt each other. It's difficult. But I feel the effort we have made for each other in this has strengthened our bond and of course our trust in each other over time. Not always easy to do, but I respect him so much more for it.

Not having a "tit for tat" mentality - what doesn't bother him at all might bother me, and vice versa.

Being open minded and not expecting everybody to think the same way I do.

Trying to offer my best self and behave with my partner similarly to how I behave with my friends

Physical and emotional intimacy. Realising both of us have needs, and loving each other enough that we want each other to be happy and will go to the ends of the earth for the other one's happiness.

He totally gets me, understands exactly what makes me tick and likes it, and me him. We respect and want each others opinion and that includes criticism of each other. If the other wants to complain it is heard, never dismissed and mistakes are apologised for with good grace.

Couples that don't live together or share a bedroom, can I ask what it is about these points that help the success of your relationship?

Apart from the fact l love my dh, l actually really like him as well! Sounds obvious but l genuinely enjoy being with him. Sometimes l think you can lose sight of that.

@Windows01

Couples that don't live together or share a bedroom, can I ask what it is about these points that help the success of your relationship?

Not living together means we can walk away, literally, at any point, so you are together because you want to.

As for us - we look after each other

We can and do talk to each other. As in, actual conversations about everything. Life, moral philosophy, current events, our feelings. It’s natural, easy and we enjoy it. So, we pretty much always know where we are, both with regards to each other, but with regards to everything else.

We like and respect each other, and consider each other to be equals. This manifests itself in how we treat each other on an everyday basis. So, things like housework and finances are sorted out with limited fuss (Mumsnet has opened my eyes to the rarity of this)!

Humour. We got together in the first place because we both think the other one is hilarious.

Also, we love each other but we both have ‘other’ stuff that belongs solely to the individual. There’s lots of overlap, but we have separate friend groups, go on holidays without each other (and some together, obviously) and both have pretty fulfilling careers. We’ve maintained distinct identities.

That got long!

We don’t disturb each other with snoring (dh) and me the insomniac tossing and turning. Dh wakes up early at 6 and I wake half 7. We leave each other be.

Humour, laughter, understanding each other's point of views and dropping stupid arguments

And complete honesty and transparency!

Arguing well without being nasty
Shared values

Creating child free time
Intimacy

Compromise, teamwork, common ethics, aspirations and sense of humour, along with trust and sexual chemistry.

I think that a lot of people don't want to compromise at all these days. They expect all the advantages of being in a relationship whilst keeping all the benefits of being single. So many threads on here with people complaining about their partners, and I'm sure the posters aren't all perfect themselves.

We really like one another and make each other laugh all the time. We communicate about what's going on in our heads and try not to expect the other to just know what's going on. When we've gone a few weeks without having sex we don't quite feel 'right' if that makes sense? Having regular sex bonds us in a way that nothing else does. It's not the only thing, and we still get on without it but it's an important part of our relationship. And we each have a lot of respect for each other. We're not perfect but I think all of those are what makes our relationship a healthy, happy one.

We enjoy talking to each other. About everything.
We don't escalate arguments into sulks or tantrums or ongoing drama of any sort.
He's a great man who does his share and provides for his family with decency and honesty. I credit our marriage to him in many ways.

We still fancy each other. Sex is still bloody good after 30 + years together. Separate bathrooms certainly helps. We “ get” each other and have the same sense of humour.