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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice about ‘needy’ boyfriend?

47 replies

Tintoty · 04/10/2021 15:19

Not sure if needy is actually the best word to describe him. Been with him over a year, lovely guy, very kind and generous and enjoy spending time with him.
He is super affectionate, tells me he loves me all the time, I do love him but it’s quite a lot and feels a bit much.
This weekend was the first I sort of realised just how ‘needy’ is he. We were in aldi shopping and I was just looking about and he said “we haven’t had a hug today yet” with a put on sad puppy dog face. I laughed a bit but he was serious and wanted us to have a full bear hug in the middle of aldi? I gave him a slight side hug and told him we can have a cuddle later on. Am I overreacting for thinking that’s a bit much? We’re both in our late 30s.
Later on we had met friends out for a drink and we were sitting across the booth from them, I couldn’t hear what my friend was saying she was leaning over the table a bit to hear her, it was very obvious I would have thought as to why I was leaning closer and he said “why are you leaning so far away from me?”. It was at that point I said to him privately that he was being a bit needy today. He seemed a bit pissed off with that.
He’s in no way abusive or controlling I just think he requires a lot of affection and attention

OP posts:
Jaguarshoes · 04/10/2021 15:43

Your alarm bells are going off, they are usually right. I would feel suffocated by this.

crystalize · 04/10/2021 15:45

Oh no this will only get worse! Once you realise and start calling him out on this neediness, I bet the moods will start. It is controlling because it sounds like emotional abuse/manipulation to get you to bow to his pathetic needs.

Asking why you were leaning so far away from him is fucking scary shit. I'm guessing at first it was all intensely romantic. When the love goggles start coming off you will see it for what it is. Don't be manipulated OP, call him out on it, its not normal healthy behaviour. If he doesn't respect your boundaries then you will know.

Viddy2021 · 04/10/2021 15:47

Yeah this doesn't look good

Notaroadrunner · 04/10/2021 15:49

Sounds hugely unattractive tbh. I would lose all respect for someone like that very quickly so I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship.

Original poster
Tintoty · 04/10/2021 15:49

Thanks for the replies. It was the total serious expectation of having a big hug in the middle of shopping. I felt embarrassed. He also constantly wants to hold my hand but there’s times I need a free hand to do things when out and about.
Honestly he’s quite a placid man so hasn’t really showed a moody side. I wonder if I was more into him would I not mind this so much? Maybe it’s the ‘ick’ that people talk about?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/10/2021 15:50

He is getting comfortable now comes the real him

Original poster
Tintoty · 04/10/2021 15:51

It’s all said in a cutesy “I just want to be close” type of way but we are both adults and I don’t feel we need to be joined at the hip

OP posts:
Jaguarshoes · 04/10/2021 15:53

It’s very off putting and a little bit frightening.

HaggisBurger · 04/10/2021 15:54

To me that would be unattractive and frankly unmasculine. I actually wouldn’t mind having a hug in Aldi - I’m quite into PDAs. But I’d expect just to be hugged not someone to be putting on puppy dog eyes and asking for one. It’s given me the ick and sounds like you’re on your way to ick. Hard to go back once you have sadly

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 15:57

This is the pre-ick. The ick is inevitable when someone is stifling and cringe I'm afraid.

mewkins · 04/10/2021 15:59

I had one of these before. Once you see the neediness it puts you right off and then they become even more needy when they sense it. Confused The needy whiny voice and not being able to get on with normal stuff without them creeping around you is awful.

LaRobeRouge · 04/10/2021 15:59

Yuk, that's seriously unattractive. I was on a walking tour of a city recently and a man who was also on the tour with his partner/wife was constantly stroking/rubbing her back, hugging her, sliding his hand down to her bum. She didn't respond at all. I wanted to slap his hand away and tell him to stop pawing the poor woman. IMO it's attention seeking behaviour - your focus must be them.

Original poster
Tintoty · 04/10/2021 16:01

Yes it probably is the pre ick. Just seems to have come out of nowhere but maybe I didn’t notice so much?
At the start he used to show up early for things which was a bit much so I asked him to stop that e.g turned up half an hour early to collect me but would say not to worry he will sit outside or come in and watch tv. Made me feel very rushed if I was getting ready and was a big suffocating. He did stop that though

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 04/10/2021 16:05

Don't let him move in with you. If you were to tell him you need a weekend to yourself how would he react.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 16:15

@Tintoty

Yes it probably is the pre ick. Just seems to have come out of nowhere but maybe I didn’t notice so much? At the start he used to show up early for things which was a bit much so I asked him to stop that e.g turned up half an hour early to collect me but would say not to worry he will sit outside or come in and watch tv. Made me feel very rushed if I was getting ready and was a big suffocating. He did stop that though
Yeah but this is who he is. He gave you a taste of it and pulled it back. Now it's manifesting in being physically stifling. His neediness (aka wanting your attention all the time even when inconvenient / unnecessary / inappropriate) will just keep manifesting in different ways.

Does he do sad face and baby voice about it too? Bleurgh. I bet he does!

A bloke I was seeing years ago used the word boobies in a sulky baby voice when I was naked and tired... and my vagina sealed itself shut. 🤮 Needless to say it was the last time he saw them.

MrsBobDylan · 04/10/2021 16:16

Thing is, asking someone why they are leaning forward is controlling behaviour.

You were trying to listen to your friend and he purposely drew your attention back to him and made you question your behaviour.

The hug in Aldi was emotional blackmail too - we haven't hugged today, i.e you must hug me now in a way that makes you uncomfortable otherwise I will feel neglected and hurt. So you had to put your needs aside to look after his. Same goes with the constant handholding.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2021 16:21

Red flags everywhere. His mask is beginning to slip. He's starting off with the clingy, needy behaviour disguised as "love", it will soon turn into controlling, coercive behaviour, moaning about where you're going, who you'll be with, etc.

Run for your life. This never, ever gets better.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 16:21

@Aquamarine1029

Red flags everywhere. His mask is beginning to slip. He's starting off with the clingy, needy behaviour disguised as "love", it will soon turn into controlling, coercive behaviour, moaning about where you're going, who you'll be with, etc.

Run for your life. This never, ever gets better.

All of this.

Listen to the ick!

Original poster
Tintoty · 04/10/2021 16:47

Yeah I think I might have to ‘run’.
I’m not that invested in this to think its going to be forever and savvy enough to not put up with this shit.
Even if it’s not controlling, abusive etc, it’s wildly unattractive

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 04/10/2021 16:58

He seemed a bit pissed off with that.
He’s in no way abusive or controlling I just think he requires a lot of affection and attention

Not abusive ... but gets a bit pissed off when you state you don't want a hug when he does? So he's allowed to be pissed off - but you are not? How is that non-abusive?

Not controlling ... just feels the need to comment when you lean in to hear a friend's words? How is that non-controlling?

Needy I note - & so should you - that his need for a hug in Aldi trumped your need not to have to have one. That is ... worrying. He's boundary-pushing.
Find several opportunities to raise your boundary by saying no to him.
Watch how he responds. How pissed off he gets. How he attempts to ride over your boundary in order to get what he wants - never mind how you feel about it.

You've only known him a year.
I suggest his mask is slipping, & that you should keep a very robust mental note on how his 'neediness' is escalating.

waybill · 04/10/2021 17:03

Ah, but it is controlling.

His neediness is putting demands on you, and when you don't co-operate, he sulks. He is starting to try and train you into doing what he wants, when he wants.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 04/10/2021 17:23

I could have written this. However, 2 years later and he's reigned it in massively. I'm early 50s ffs...I don't do pda very well anyway, and even less so now I'm older. What would he do if you told him to stop? My OH really did listen, and stopped doing it, as soon as I told him that neediness is not an attractive quality

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/10/2021 17:29

Urgh how unattractive.
Massive red flags everywhere with this op ,coercive at the very least I should say run for the hills hunny ,
Do it by text then block delete and move on.

Goawayangryman · 04/10/2021 17:36

This is the kind of man who will sulk when you don't want to have sex, when the initial honeymoon period has worn off. It shows a lack of regard for what you want and need, and what makes you feel uncomfortable/comfortable. And the leaning thing is just.... Weird.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 17:41

He'll also do sad face when you have nights out without him and text / call you while you're out 'to check you're ok' all under the fake nice guy persona. Bleurgh. Run!