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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice about ‘needy’ boyfriend?

47 replies

Tintoty · 04/10/2021 15:19

Not sure if needy is actually the best word to describe him. Been with him over a year, lovely guy, very kind and generous and enjoy spending time with him.
He is super affectionate, tells me he loves me all the time, I do love him but it’s quite a lot and feels a bit much.
This weekend was the first I sort of realised just how ‘needy’ is he. We were in aldi shopping and I was just looking about and he said “we haven’t had a hug today yet” with a put on sad puppy dog face. I laughed a bit but he was serious and wanted us to have a full bear hug in the middle of aldi? I gave him a slight side hug and told him we can have a cuddle later on. Am I overreacting for thinking that’s a bit much? We’re both in our late 30s.
Later on we had met friends out for a drink and we were sitting across the booth from them, I couldn’t hear what my friend was saying she was leaning over the table a bit to hear her, it was very obvious I would have thought as to why I was leaning closer and he said “why are you leaning so far away from me?”. It was at that point I said to him privately that he was being a bit needy today. He seemed a bit pissed off with that.
He’s in no way abusive or controlling I just think he requires a lot of affection and attention

OP posts:

Goawayangryman · 04/10/2021 17:49

@youvegottenminuteslynn you are so right. That is exactly what happened to me. Lifts home I didn't want or need when out with friends, calls asking when I'd be home because bla bla. I ended up shouting at him fergodsake I've emigrated twice. On my own. I'm pretty sure I can get back from Clapham.

Walkingalot · 04/10/2021 17:51

Oh god, I had one like this. It was quite sweet in the early days but that feeling soon wore off and I just thought it was suffocating. It wont get any better. Run. Types like that usually move on quite quickly despite the declarations of undying love when you say it's over.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 17:52

[quote Goawayangryman]@youvegottenminuteslynn you are so right. That is exactly what happened to me. Lifts home I didn't want or need when out with friends, calls asking when I'd be home because bla bla. I ended up shouting at him fergodsake I've emigrated twice. On my own. I'm pretty sure I can get back from Clapham.[/quote]
Ah the lifts home and then making out you're ungrateful if you are angry he won't take no for an answer when it comes to being picked up. Uuuugh. "But I do so much for you, I'm a good guy!" Etc.

poohaloo · 04/10/2021 17:57

Ugh why couldn't he just give you a cuddle when appropriate? Ie when you're at home cooking or whatever?

Very weird get rid... he'll start talking in a baby voice soon and calling you mummy 😱🤢

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 04/10/2021 18:01

Tell him how his "neediness" makes you feel. If he doesnt want to change then it's maybe time to call it a day.

Joystir59 · 04/10/2021 18:07

This isn't about him wanting to show you genuine affection. This behaviour is all about him displaying ownership of you in public.

Maskless · 04/10/2021 18:14

As always, you just need to sit him down across the other side of a table in daytime and over a cup of tea just spell out exactly what you like and don't like and what you can and cannot tolerate.

Durbeyfield · 04/10/2021 18:28

Yuk.

honeygriff · 04/10/2021 18:29

Omg I'm feeling claustrophobic for you!

Rainbowheart1 · 04/10/2021 18:33

That wouldn’t bother me, but I’m also the affectionate type. If your not then maybe your not compatible.

I wouldn’t cuddle in the middle of shopping, but as I’m affectionate anyway we would have already cuddled before if that makes sense.

thisplaceisapigsty · 04/10/2021 18:36

@Joystir59

This isn't about him wanting to show you genuine affection. This behaviour is all about him displaying ownership of you in public.

Totally agree.

wheresmyshoe · 04/10/2021 18:42

Urgh, been there, I was naive enough then (20) to feel bad. We moved in together and him crying about me ignoring him when I was reading a book was the death knell. Get rid.

Buffseagull · 04/10/2021 18:49

Red flags so many red flags get your self away hun xx

Original poster

Tintoty · 04/10/2021 18:58

Thanks for all your replies

It’s funny because my ex husband was very unaffectionate and I craved affection and his attention, but not I feel smothered by this news guy.
I am actually into cuddles ans affection but there’s a time and place. We’re not 15 and snogging anywhere we fancy.

Are these guys always abusive? If I read my thread and wasn’t in the situation I would probably say yes. But my boyfriend genuinely comes across as needy, never had a girlfriend before, just very excited by the whole thing of being together as opposed to wanting to be controlling of me. I guess is not always explicit.

I have a lot to think about. There’s a few traits I’ve found strange from the get go. For example he told me he kept a note of things I had told him on his phone so he didn’t forgot (my birthday, my siblings names etc, this was literally from the 1st date onwards). I thought this was extremely odd and made me feel strange that the little things I thought he remembered about me was actually just because he kept notes. Sort of took the romance away.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 04/10/2021 19:40

@Rainbowheart1

That wouldn’t bother me, but I’m also the affectionate type. If your not then maybe your not compatible.

I wouldn’t cuddle in the middle of shopping, but as I’m affectionate anyway we would have already cuddled before if that makes sense.

OP posted because it does bother her. Not sure how you popping up to tell her you wouldn't mind it helps her.

Specialized101 · 04/10/2021 20:08

This pretty much describes my girlfriend who is 48.
Tbf I generally find it pretty endearing as we are very tactile and unafraid of PDAs,but even things like if Im on my phone when shes not on hers she becomes sulky and hurt. I do call her out on it though as Im never going to be henpecked but it is a slight worry.

dustofneptune · 04/10/2021 20:24

I don't see his behaviour as abusive, but that's just me. I see it as needy. For me, abuse is when you feel legitimately scared of a person / fear for your safety - physically, emotionally, verbally, financially or psychologically.

Regardless, it's at the very least about compatibility.

The hugging in Aldi thing, neediness, babyish voice, keeping notes, eagerness, etc. I'm female, but I date women, not men; and loads of women I've had relationships with have done these kinds of things. If I wasn't into them, I'd feel suffocated. If I was into them, I'd largely probably find it sweet.

I don't really like the idea of telling someone they are needy/clingy/whatever though. It bothers me. I feel like in relationships, it's about telling the other person how you are feeling, rather than putting them down? Like "I feel suffocated / I don't like baby talk / I'm not sure we're on the same page / I'm not into PDA / I don't want this much physical affection".

I don't know. That's just my take on it. Sounds like you have the ick. Nothing wrong with that.

Theunamedcat · 04/10/2021 20:32

I wouldn't see it as abusive do see it as smothering and extensive PDA makes me feel like he is pissing on my leg like a dog marking his territory

Hont1986 · 04/10/2021 20:36

The honeymoon period is ending and you're losing the rose-coloured glasses. You might be able to get him to stop the behaviour you don't like by communicating with him; equally you might find that he thinks there are things about you he'd like to change to. The question is whether you both care enough to want to make a go of it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 20:41

@Specialized101

This pretty much describes my girlfriend who is 48. Tbf I generally find it pretty endearing as we are very tactile and unafraid of PDA`s,but even things like if I`m on my phone when she`s not on hers she becomes sulky and hurt. I do call her out on it though as I`m never going to be henpecked but it is a slight worry.

but even things like if I`m on my phone when she`s not on hers she becomes sulky and hurt. The way you write this sounds like it's relatively regular, so even though you call it out she is making no real effort to change, so not respecting your boundaries. It's very manipulative and childish of her and I struggle to see how you can be attracted to, or find endearing, someone who tries to manipulate you like a child would do to their parents to get their attention! It must be exhausting.

bridgeofslides · 04/10/2021 21:59

Behaviour doesn't have to be abusive to be off putting and unattractive.

sadie9 · 05/10/2021 00:42

It's your exclusive attention he wants. You were interested in stuff in Lidl, so he suddenly he got jealous and asked for a hug to direct your focus back on him.
Your friend is talking to you, he got jealous and had to intervene to get you to look at him again. I suspect he's lovely when he has you all to himself, but the control comes out when you dare to express interest in something other than him.

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