Devastated

[Thecheatswife]

So last week I discovered that my husband of 25 years has been whattsapping two women in different countries. I now know this has been secretly going on for months - at least.

Denied everything at first but has confessed that these chats are both sexual and day to day. So swing from 'I wanna do x to you, to how's your day been. Spoke about jobs, pets, all fucking kinds. Which to me, makes it even worse.

First claimed he 'couldn't remember' what site they'd met on, but I have now find out it's sex chat, hook up sites. He's a member of tons of them!! I know he hasn't met them as they are both half way across the world. He has has naked pics of them.

I've been through his history and this has been going on months. Night after night. These seem to be the only 2 he's swapped numbers with, however has been speaking to and viewing pictures of many more on these sites. Total wank fodder.

I've actually got the numbers and messaged both myself. Both have confirmed. He told one has was divorced and the other knew he was married. Months and months and months. While he was shagging me, on holiday with our kids, probably even sitting next to me on the sofa.

I am devastated. Can eat, can't sleep and off work. It's a massive massive betrayal. He may not (apparently) have shagged anyone. But to ask for and view pics of various women while telling them what he'd like to do to them 🤢 and to actually swap numbers and invest all that time and energy into the other two. Not only sexting but talking about they're daily lives. For MONTHS.

I'm so bloody upset. Like the rugs been pulled from my world. I can't even go to work. I'm lying in bed with constant diarrhoea due to the rocks in my stomach.

He is still here at the minute, I do t know what to do. I have a good job, but not good enough to do things on my own. We still have 2 kids are home ffs.

What do I do?

I'm so sorry for the hurt and utter devastation you feel.

A similar thing ended my (long) marriage to the father of my kids.

It never stops hurting. The pain turns to anger though. You'll hate him eventually then feel complete disdain.

My ex H did this to me. I overlooked it the first time I caught him.

He quickly turned it around on me telling me I was controlling and wouldn't allow him to have friends.

I said how many of your male friends are you discussing oral sex with.

The 2nd time was about 2 years later. He was chatting to someone from overseas.

He completely turned on me saying they were in love.

I left and divorced him, which I should have done the first time.
He never did end up meeting her but she did manage to get some money from him.

He had to have sought this out and he'll continue eventually.

He's now alone and bitter.

I just see him as the big dummy who torched his marriage for pretend online relationships with scammers.

Sorry I haven't replied to people personally. But I am reading every single answer. So thank you. Kids know now. I guess the walls were not as thick as I thought. Apparently have known for days 😔

@Thecheatswife

Sorry I haven't replied to people personally. But I am reading every single answer. So thank you. Kids know now. I guess the walls were not as thick as I thought. Apparently have known for days 😔

Oh love, sending sympathy and hugs. None of this is your fault. x

@Thecheatswife

Actually said that if I'd not found out he would have continued 😱. Claims to be glad I know now.

@Thecheatswife this really really f*s me off every time men use this stupid stupid logic. Is there a developmental stage that they have missed growing up?! What this this total lack of self awareness & relationship logic. I suppose the big question here is what do you want; and even if it’s preserving your family unit, can you forgive him. What will you need from him in order to move forward. I would think deffo counselling at least to help you process this and also counselling together might be useful- he seems to me to not be able to communicate properly or understand the core dynamic of a relationship, based on the fact he has broken your trust and yet cannot even take basic steps to genuinely repair the damage. There are some good podcast series about betrayals (affairs but feelings are the same!), these might help you feel more in control initially. What a pig!! I think that this is so common honestly. And to add a silver lining to a very dark cloud- I sometimes think that some relationships / marriages just drift along with 2 people believing they are on same page then boom something like this happens & you realise you never were on same page and wonder what on earth the other person has been thinking all this time - when the bomb goes off you find yourselves at a crossroads and honestly I think if you have the underlying strength to continue that it is possible to love beyond and that your ‘new’ relationship will be 100 times more solid than the old, flaky, non communicative one that you had before. But forgiveness is very very hard and requires a lot of work from both sides. Good luck and sending you a massive hug xoxo

Oh that must have been such a shock.

First of all, you know now that you can't believe anything he says. He's been deceiving you for months and would have gone on doing so. When you found out he still lies, and it took him several days to tell you the full 'truth' (although of course there could well be more you don't know ). Even if you now have the full truth, you know his ability and willingness to lie, and that will taint everything he says and does in the future.

What he did, as well as being deceitful, was sleazy and massively disrespectful.

You deserve better. Please show your DC that you are worth more than this. Show them how important as respectful relationship is, and that they should never put up with anything less.

So an update.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks. I've dug and dug and dug and found more than I ever thought.

So number I online affair l was not months or weeks, but began in March 2018. So that is THREE AND A HALF YEARS. He volunteered no information. I have found it all myself. Began by email, then moved on to Whattsapp and Kik.

I've got dick pictures of him, nudes of her. She's even sent him photographs of her kids 🤢. So the last three Christmas, over out holidays, kids moving out, every single life event for all that fucking time.

Number 2 - haven't found much here. But it seems to have been around two years. I don't think it's been as sexual as the first. But still a cunty thing to do. Number 1 knew her was married. Number 2, he told her he was divorced.

So he's gone, I've thrown him out. I've also obliterated his phone and laptop. He has got a new phone ( 15 pound, no internet etc) to contact the kids , but as far as I know hasn't been in contact with them. He's cancelled his contract, so that number is dead. I've also deleted his FB and changed passwords to every single email (that I know about).

So yes, he is a bastard of the highest order. All those years for a cheap dirty thrill.

So sorry @Thecheatswife

You've done the right thing.

This is all about him and his inability to cope with getting old, so he goes for cheap ego boosts at the risk of destroying everything that is so precious to him. It is pathetic but it's also depressingly common. You'll come to realise that the man you thought you were married to is actually a little boy, psychologically.

You won't know it now but you'll come out of this stronger and happier.

Thank you @Feelingparanoid. I know you're right. It's just so bloody hard.

Good for you OP. Now keep your resolve.

You will never trust this man again

@Thecheatswife

Very remorseful (apparently!). Can't believe he done it. 'Just got sucked in.' 'Loves me/us more than anything.' Blah blah blah

What an absolute piece of shit. I could never let a man like that ever touch me again. He is only remorseful that he was found out.

It's connecting the life events with this new knowledge that's really hard isn't it. DC graduation particularly for me because it was during the time I now know what he was up to. Try not to let this new knowledge taint your experiences at those times. Re-envision his presence in your memories of those events as an annoying insect

UnMumsnetty hugs for you, OP.

I always put this on a cheating thread but get thee to the Chumplady website. It'll explain a lot.

OP this is terrible for you and believe me I feel for you and your children.

You mentioned in your original post about a fear of not being able to afford to leave him. I see now you’ve kicked him out…excellent! But make sure you put in a CMS claim directly or use their online calculator to work out how much he should pay and contact him directly to ask for me. If you don’t ask you don’t get and he may be feeling guilty! Make sure you get it in writing if he agrees to more. Also ensure child benefit is in your name to your bank account and remove 50% from any joint accounts. Have you contacted the council to see if you can get single adult occupancy discount (spending on the ages of the children)

Also check the entitledto website as you may also be entitled to other benefits.

Good luck

Thank you @Cakequeen1988. All excellent advice. He has actually paid me decent money the last couple of weeks. Of course I do need to get this official. Being a shit, he could pull this any time.

I have put it a claim for UC. It won't be a lot as I do have a decent job. However it will all help. It takes 5 weeks for a payment to come, however I have been able to get an advance which will go in tomorrow.

@allenkeys. That's all I can think of. It's driving me mad tbh.

Thank you everyone. I do appreciate it.

Well done. Plan as much nice stuff for yourself as can. And with kids.

He's been living in a fantasy world for too long to come back.

I’m so sorry. The need for ego kibbles was strong with this one! What an absolute man child. The fact that he didn’t own any of this and forced your hand into finding out is utterly disgusting.

The infidelity roller coaster is a hard ride to be on, I know very well that everyday you’re hit with a new ‘truth’ about your life and memories. All I can do is promise with time it does get easier and the lows just aren’t so low.

You’re still in shock and traumatised though, please take care of you!