Devastated

[Thecheatswife]

So last week I discovered that my husband of 25 years has been whattsapping two women in different countries. I now know this has been secretly going on for months - at least.

Denied everything at first but has confessed that these chats are both sexual and day to day. So swing from 'I wanna do x to you, to how's your day been. Spoke about jobs, pets, all fucking kinds. Which to me, makes it even worse.

First claimed he 'couldn't remember' what site they'd met on, but I have now find out it's sex chat, hook up sites. He's a member of tons of them!! I know he hasn't met them as they are both half way across the world. He has has naked pics of them.

I've been through his history and this has been going on months. Night after night. These seem to be the only 2 he's swapped numbers with, however has been speaking to and viewing pictures of many more on these sites. Total wank fodder.

I've actually got the numbers and messaged both myself. Both have confirmed. He told one has was divorced and the other knew he was married. Months and months and months. While he was shagging me, on holiday with our kids, probably even sitting next to me on the sofa.

I am devastated. Can eat, can't sleep and off work. It's a massive massive betrayal. He may not (apparently) have shagged anyone. But to ask for and view pics of various women while telling them what he'd like to do to them 🤢 and to actually swap numbers and invest all that time and energy into the other two. Not only sexting but talking about they're daily lives. For MONTHS.

I'm so bloody upset. Like the rugs been pulled from my world. I can't even go to work. I'm lying in bed with constant diarrhoea due to the rocks in my stomach.

He is still here at the minute, I do t know what to do. I have a good job, but not good enough to do things on my own. We still have 2 kids are home ffs.

What do I do?

I don't have advice, just massive ((((hugs))))

Don't stay for the kids, you will never trust him again, only advice I can offer. All that energy messaging other people when he should of been looking after his family.

I'm so sorry op. I'd start getting ready to leave him. He's destroyed the trust. Your relationship is over. What a bastard.

Everything you’re experiencing is absolutely normal after betrayal. I’m so sorry, many suffer with a post traumatic stress disorder as the lens in which they saw the world through, is shattered. The rug has been pulled out from under you, please try to eat, hydrate, take care of yourself.

You have a huge amount to process. And it takes time. You do not have to make ANY decisions at all that now, you just need to heal.

You don’t say in this post, what your husband is doing or saying on discovery of all this, but if he appears regretful I’d get him a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and ask him to start putting into action the advice given.

I’d also get myself on quality forums, surviving infidelity is brilliant, and so helpful. Affair recovery site had a lot of good quality videos. SI doesn’t push separation or divorce but the posters there have walked your path and will help.

Only you can decide what happens in your marriage moving forward but firstly you will need to piece yourself together. Counselling (for YOU) is a very good idea right now.

How pathetic. They’re probably not even real, it’s prob a hairy bloke on the other side of the world.
What a twat. The requests for money will probably start soon, if it hasn’t already. I would check your back accounts if I were you.
Has he cheated before? Can you kick him out?

That must be sickening and incredibly disappointing.
Agree with counselling, speak to your GP, get time off work, medication could also help in the short term. Bring in the professionals, that's what they are there for.
Can you also get him out for a while to give you proper time to think?

Whatever decisions you make, you won't be doing it on your own. He will be sharing the work and financing.
Also, you can have intermediate arrangements that last until the kids are 18, or out of the house, or whatever. You don't have to organise something now that lasts forever. In my case, for example, my exh moved out and I stayed in our house until our youngest was 18, then I moved out and ex moved back in again, and paid me off so I was off the mortgage.

Also might be a good idea to have a safe bank account he does not have access to, if he has been spending joint money on gifts, etc. or is likely to be financially unreliable now he has been caught.

Wow. This is just awful. So sorry you’re going through this. Keep reaching out for support. What’s his reaction to you knowing? Did he own up or did you find out? What’s his answers for why?? If it was me I’d make him move out. It’s just ruined everything right?

I'd be picking myself up, dusting myself off, and divorcing the cheating, vile bastard. There is no way I'd allow a man like that to ruin my life.

Sorry OP I should have said, SI doesn’t push separation, divorce OR reconciliation but the posters there have walked your path and will help you find which way you want to turn. I found it invaluable in supporting me.

I'd download and print up and save the evidence, then have the locks changed when he was out. He needs to leave. The marriage is over: you'll never be able to trust him again. He'll have to support the children until they're 18.

My ex did this with several women on the internet, had women’s numbers stored under names of people he knew. It feels worse because it’s a conscious effort he’s making every day opposed to a drunken one night stand.
Never trusted him again and eventually divorced BUT did go on to marry again and have another dc. There is a new future out there without him as much it doesn’t seem at the moment 💐

Very remorseful (apparently!). Can't believe he done it. 'Just got sucked in.' 'Loves me/us more than anything.' Blah blah blah

Oh op, this is horrible. I'm so sorry he has done this to you.

I suspected. Was always glued to the phone. I watched him sit on it for hours and hours smiling away. This went on for ages. Last week he left it unlocked. I literally had seconds before he come down but it was enough. Didn't own up right away. I've had 5 days of lies before the truth. First it was people he'd met on 'friend' sites. Then each day a bit more until Sunday when the lot came out. He'd deleted the chats the day I caught him. Said it was because he panicked. It's took a lot to get him to admit this. I was expecting all this. Hit me like a hammer to the face.

@Aquamarine1029

I'd be picking myself up, dusting myself off, and divorcing the cheating, vile bastard. There is no way I'd allow a man like that to ruin my life.

This 👆 Sorry OP

He’s remorseful and upset he got caught, not for what he did off his own back daily

Actually said that if I'd not found out he would have continued 😱. Claims to be glad I know now.

Can't believe he done it. 'Just got sucked in
Not exactly owning it, then. No "It is all my fault, I have been a dirty shit".
His actions put you in this position, let him show you how much exactly he loves you through actions, too. What is he willing to do to make you feel better, now?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. In my eyes this is cheating.

I really think you should leave him as I doubt he'll ever change.

if I'd not found out he would have continued
So now he has been found out, if he stays, he'll hide it better?

Not a great reaction, is it? What's he been like as a partner until now?

This is exactly what my dad did to my mum she forgave him years later he did the same thing but he went to America to meet her!! There divorced now mums moved on he's on his own.

I feel awful for you its disgusting and you deserve better - get rid

@Thecheatswife

Very remorseful (apparently!). Can't believe he done it. 'Just got sucked in.' 'Loves me/us more than anything.' Blah blah blah

I hope you don't fall for this bullshit. Can't believe he's done it? He means the shit he actively chose to go look for? What a twat.

If he really loved and respected you, he never would have done this.

Cheaters often use damage control at first as they get caught. He can’t possibly be remorseful that really takes an understanding of what you are experiencing and he will have simply no idea. They are often regretful, and sometimes experiencing guilt and shame but not remorse. It can come. Depends on who they are.

Regardless of what you decide please ask him to read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ it is relatively short but is a good road map for him if he cares enough not to cause you any further damage and pain.

Is your house big enough for you to have some space apart until you decide what you want to do?
Personally, it’s cheating in my book and I would divorce. As ever, easier said than done when you consider your finances etc but I would not trust him ever again and so that’s the basics of the relationship down the drain. Good luck whatever you decide to do 💐