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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do about Wayne Slob

32 replies

CrispsCrazy · 04/10/2021 12:25

Hi, Wayne and I have been married 6 years, he is step dad to my two teenagers. Wayne is an excellent dad, is very kind, caring and thoughtful and would do anything for me and would love me no matter what. Unfortunately Wayne is incredibly untidy, he always has a dirty face, I don’t think he’s brushed his teeth this year, he won’t sort out his b o, he leaves baccy in bed after he’s made a fag, bedroom always stinks of fags and he thinks it acceptable to go around in a t shirt that half covers his belly. We’ve had several conversations about these things, he sorts them for about a fortnight and it’s back to square one. All of these things make me unattracted to him. Am I being petty? Has anyone called it a day on their marriage because of a slobby spouse?

OP posts:

FlipFlops4Me · 04/10/2021 13:11

Wow - he sounds offensively gross, not just unattractive! I think no woman in her right mind would be attracted to him.

I have to say that if my DH slipped into being like that, he'd be out the door because I would find it intolerable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2021 13:13

Not brushing teeth is always raised on these kind of threads. And it's the one I find most offensive. Either the person has depression, a crippling lack of self-care related to something awful, or they are just repulsive with the lowest of standards.

Not in a thousand years would I stay married to someone who didn't brush their teeth daily.

bestsoupintown · 04/10/2021 13:14

Even if I stayed married to someone like that I definitely wouldn't be sharing a bed with them. If you really want to stay with him (and I can't see why you should), do you have a spare room you can send him to.

It's so gross, I couldn't be near him and worry about how little he respects himself.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/10/2021 13:15

yuk.
I couldn't respect someone like that and I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone I didn't respect.

JovialNickname · 04/10/2021 13:41

You could temporarily turn into Waynetta to show him how unattractive it is? It might be fun to not wash, scrape your hair back in a greasy ponytail, and wear pot noodle stained tracksuits for a couple of days. See if he likes it. (I AM AVING A FAAAAAG!!)

TheFoundations · 04/10/2021 14:27

I don't think you should analyse yourself in terms of 'am I being petty'. That's just a route to minimising your feelings so that you end up in a situation where you have to keep putting up with something when you don't want to. The point is that if it's not petty, he should respect your wishes, and if it is petty... he should respect your wishes.

This isn't about whether he'll be willing or able to change for you. This is about 'Do you love him as he is, enough to put up with this behaviour, ongoing.'

If you're posting here, it doesn't look good.

is very kind, caring and thoughtful and would do anything for me

Clearly not true. He won't even bother to have a wash and brush his teeth. Kids manage this small responsibility on a daily basis. Stop making him out to be so brilliant when he won't do the most basic things for you or for himself.

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 04/10/2021 14:36

Has Wayne always been this way inclined? I ask in case it could be a mental health problem that might need addressing- depression maybe. Not cleaning teeth, having a dirty face and leaving tobacco in bed are pretty advanced levels of personal hygiene neglect, this isn't just being a bit scruffy

Original poster

CrispsCrazy · 04/10/2021 16:40

I knew he was a bit messy but thought it would’ve got better but it’s just got worse. It’s not depression, I have asked about feeling down, I don’t think he’ll ever permanently sort it out.

OP posts:

MrsRobbieHart · 04/10/2021 16:42

🤮

Pinkbonbon · 04/10/2021 16:54

Howk.

Yeah nah, I'd be gone.
Imagine if the kids started picking up these filthy habits.

I couldn't be intimate with a man who doesn't wash or brush his teeth. Heck, I wouldn't even share a sofa with someone that grim, let alone a bed.

ChargingBuck · 04/10/2021 17:06

and would do anything for me ... except the 7 separate things you then go on to list, which he will not do for you.

You are not being petty.
His gross habits are your dealbreaker. That's ok OP - you don't have to justify it to anyone, including him, even if you decide to divorce him for it.

I am sorry - about his grossness, but his internal grossness is worse.
He's actively telling you his marriage isn't important enough for him to brush his teeth for, & that you opinion & feelings are less important to him than his slobbishness.

I don't think anyone would blame you for leaving him to his nasty habits OP

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/10/2021 17:36

Omg that's absolutely disgusting.
He clearly does not respect you enough to even meet the most basic daily hygiene expected of any decent human being.
Sling him and his scabby self out ,baccy in the bed wtf ,why are your standards and self respect so low you actually are putting up with this
Wtf have I just read.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 17:46

is very kind, caring and thoughtful and would do anything for me

Other than wash himself or clean his teeth.

He doesn't respect you as a partner.

Your poor kids having to live with someone so disrespectful and unclean. I bet they dread having friends over.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2021 17:50

is very kind, caring and thoughtful and would do anything for me

That's not true at all, is it? He won't even bother to take 2 minutes to brush his teeth in order to please you, I'd say he doesn't give a single fuck as to how you feel. He won't even do the bare minimum to make you feel comfortable and listened to.

Raise the bar.

Original poster

CrispsCrazy · 04/10/2021 18:58

I feel I’m in denial about not being in love with him anymore. I’m going to give him an ultimatum he has to smarten or we can’t be together anymore

OP posts:

RaisedByPangolins · 04/10/2021 19:03

Why the fuck is he smoking inside when you have kids anyway? It’s not the 1970s - anyone with an ounce of common decency smokes outside these days. As for the rest of it just tell him he’s disgusting and needs to start making an effort or you’ll leave him. Nobody should have to share a house let alone a bed with someone who doesn’t wash, change their clothes or brush their teeth. That’s just grim. Please tell me you don’t have sex with this tramp.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 19:07

Your poor kids must not even be able to have their mates over 😞

RaisedByPangolins · 04/10/2021 19:08

FWIW I know my DP would be half way to this sort of behaviour if he was left on his own. He only showers when he sees me, which is 3 times a week, and quite often has dirty clothes on. But on those days he will have 2 showers because he knows if he comes over with 3 days of stank on him he’ll be sent packing, so he does it before he comes. He then showers at bedtime because he won’t get sex - particularly oral - unless he’s properly clean and fresh. Luckily he doesn’t really seem to smell (unless I’m just used to it!) but if he had BO now way I’d be telling him to get in the shower like I’m his fucking mum. It would be over. Disrespectful in the extreme.

Original poster

CrispsCrazy · 04/10/2021 19:11

We haven’t had any intimate time for yonks as obviously I do not want it and I sleep on the sofa on most nights. Had a chat, told him if he is unable to sort himself out we are over. Judging by all the replies I have been extremely tolerant 😞

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 19:14

@CrispsCrazy

Do you not consider how damaging an effect this is having on your kids too?

Theyre living in an unpleasant environment and they're also being shown an unhealthy relationship they will think is normal when it's anything but.

layladomino · 04/10/2021 19:15

You have been ridiculously tolerant!

It's wrong in so many ways - smelly / unattractive / unhygeinic / shows he doesn't feel he needs to make an effort / ignores your previous requests / not fair on your children / lazy.

How can you fancy him?

Ourlady · 04/10/2021 19:17

Aside from everything else which is gross about him, smoking indoors and even worse, in bed and not brushing his teeth is just the worst.
I often wonder what type of people get together with those scruffy type of people and decided like must find like but you don't seem like that so perhaps I'm wrong.
He sounds absolutely disgusting and it doesn't seem likely he will /can change even for you.

Original poster

CrispsCrazy · 04/10/2021 19:23

He is a brilliant stepdad, would do anything for my kids. He doesn’t actually smoke in bed, but out of the window. He is a Christian so didn’t want to live together until we were married, He was fine when we got together but has really let himself go

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 04/10/2021 19:24

Having a wash and cleaning your teeth are not just personal hygiene basics they are essential for a healthy existence.

How long smoking and not brushing his teeth does he expect them to last?

Are his t-shirts just old and outgrown or is he gaining a concerning amount of weight?

It's not normal.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/10/2021 19:42

@CrispsCrazy

Sorry OP but read your posts back. This isn't a brilliant stepdad:

Unfortunately Wayne is incredibly untidy, he always has a dirty face, I don’t think he’s brushed his teeth this year, he won’t sort out his b o, he leaves baccy in bed after he’s made a fag, bedroom always stinks of fags and he thinks it acceptable to go around in a t shirt that half covers his belly.
He's making their living environment needlessly unpleasant, making it embarrassing for them to have mates over and doesn't respect their mum enough to make any semblance of effort for her thereby displaying a really unhealthy relationship dynamic to them.

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