Female hairloss and relationship

[OkSpiritualknot]

Oh my. I've met a man... Only 4 dates in... Adores me etc, I've even met his mum and his niece. He's lovely. Had sex for the first time yesterday (not intercourse), it was pretty mind blowing.

Problem is, (this makes me cry just writing this), I wear a clip on hair topper. My own hair is very thin and fine, androgenetic alopecia. Lot of scalp showing.

Very few people know about this. (just my mum n daughter and a hairdresser friend)

I need to tell him..it lifted up a little during the sex, so it's only a matter of time, before he realises. But I don't know how to tell him or what to say.

He has a full head of hair.... I'm in a European country where most men do, the women all seem to have thick, plentiful hair too.

Without the topper I look very different. He said yesterday, that I was perfect in every way... Oh dear. Its not like, I'll remove the topper and hell say "oh you look the same"... That won't happen.

I know even young people get alopecia but with this type it looks awful, patchy etc and obviously age related... It's not attractive.

Has anyone any advice or experience?

Not as bad but I lost so much hair when I had kids and it never really grew back. I got hair extensions which my DH hates, he thinks my hair is fine and thinks I should get them out. I have had them for almost 20 years at this stage ! I really couldn't be without them but ,my hairloss is more generalized , not really on top.
So while I understand why you are nervous I'm not sure men place the same value on hair as women and I say this as someone who was considered v good looking so looks mattered to the people who dated me.
I personally wouldn't tell him yet. I would wait a while and then bring it up casually and say oh yes I have this condition that made my hair fall out so I wear this until it grows back !

No advice but I have traction alopecia so you are not alone, I’ve always had to hide it with wigs and extensions and it’s really got me down and I’ve never told anyone in relationships, I’m finally looking into hair transplants now as I didn’t even know women could have them before (silly I know!)

Thank you. I have a feeling I may need to mention something tomorrow as I'm supposed to be spending the night at his place.

I'm thinking of forewarning him or something. Perhaps the "it's growing back" thing, might be good. Especially if the relationship might turn out not to be long term anyway.

Hair transplant is something I hadn't considered, but could be an option. I'll bring that up with my gp next time I see him.

Thank you

I think I would casually text him about it rather than tell him in person and say you've been meaning to mention but wasn't sure when the right time was. Then it gives him time to process it and react less under pressure as in person you may get a more difficult response. And if he says "goodbye" then you've done yourself a favour, who would want someone so shallow!! Best of luck OP.

Depending on the country you probably need to prepare for him to leave but it’s right for him to know. Tell him casually in a public place (maybe over coffee) in the really unlikely case he gets violent.

How patchy is it? Have you looked at the L’Oréal root sprays? That’s how I cover up my patches. I basically dye my scalp the colour of my hair. I then use dry hair shampoo and back comb to foof up the rest of the hair and it works. Look into hair extensions and transplant. You don’t have to suffer hair loss these days

@Ozanj

Depending on the country you probably need to prepare for him to leave but it’s right for him to know. Tell him casually in a public place (maybe over coffee) in the really unlikely case he gets violent.

Violent?? Wtf?

I have hair extensions and in a new relationship had to tell my new partner (as the little bumps of the bonds can be felt). I said that due to stress my hair had become much thinner recently and my hairdresser suggested this. Maybe you could say it like that?
It’s a bit of a fudge as mine is female pattern hairloss - which most women’s is - and is ongoing though I take spironolactone and oral minoxidil under the care of a dermatologist which has helped a lot. I appreciate a topper is harder to explain away. Hope it goes well and he surprises you with being understand.

Another one who uses the root spray - I love it. My hairdresser told me about it. I have heredity thinning on the crown same as my dad’s mother. I have dark hair and very pale skin so the white scalp showing through is very noticeable. So I spray along about two or three partings , let it dry for a few minutes and then style it and the spray covers up the white scalp showing through.

Yeh I didn’t get the reference to violence? 😕 why would someone be violent because of this?

I don't know if you've heard of a hair system, where a mesh is applied to your head and your own hair, as well as real hair extensions, are pulled through. lt looks natural and you treat it like ordinary hair apparently. I know that Lucinda Ellery was the first to create this system but there are other clinics who do this procedure now. Might be worth investigating?

I see this as an automatic arsehole filter. If you tell him and he leaves then you've just filtered out an arsehole in your life. See it as a positive. I have a chronic illness and I see it as the same thing.

@Ozanj

Depending on the country you probably need to prepare for him to leave but it’s right for him to know. Tell him casually in a public place (maybe over coffee) in the really unlikely case he gets violent.

This is bizarre?! 😳

I've used the root spray in the past. My head sweats so much though that it's not a good option for me. Also my hair is light grey, so colour match is a problem. Don't want to start dying my hair again.

I've just been on the phone to my hairdresser friend. Today, I'm wearing a grey, lightweight topper, which is what my hair would be like. For my dates I've been wearing an ashy/greyish wavy bob.

She suggested I wear the grey one. It's very natural, real hair. She agreed it's better to say the hair is growing back... And if he sees my natural hair it won't be too different from the topper (albeit, fine, thin, patchy... Sigh), so less of a shock.

I'll let you know how I get on, yes if he goes, it'll be a sign he was wrong for me. But I haven't had a sexual relationship for four years and can't keep avoiding it.

He won't get violent, that's not an issue. I think what I dread is him telling me its fine, not a problem etc and then kind of winds the relationship down over the coming weeks. I'm sure that's what he will do if it bothers him..

Thanks all...

OP, Batiste, or another brand of thickening spray can help to volumise what you've got. You sound lovely BTW and if he winds the relationship down over something like this then he's not good enough for you anyway.

I think its so sad that you feel you have to lie about it to him. I know how hard it must be (have only had to go through temporary hair loss due to chemo , but I do know how it impacted me) .
If you have a medical condition then I would be open about it ,once it is out in the open then you can move fwds but if you lie about it then you will have to keep up the pretense.
I am sure if you have built up that bond and friendship so far he will understand. And if he doesnt then yes, he is a dick.
Easy to say though - good luck.

Ah yes, I have some batiste, forgot about that. Works really well with grey hair too. Will use that tomorrow.

It is a shame I feel I can't be truthful, I just want to kind of breeze past the subject for the moment, test the water... Will see how it goes. I'll be wearing the topper that's like my own hair when he arrives tomorrow.. So I plan to mention it before we go out.

I would highly recommend looking into hair systems like @Seaoftroubles mentioned.

I have always had extremely thin hair which thinned even more after pregnancy. Getting a hair system has genuinely changed my life. The bonds can be felt but I tell myself its no different to having hair extensions which are ten a penny these days.

I feel for you op. Hair loss can be so devastating to your self confidence

I really really wouldn't say anything yet. He most likely will not even notice. If he does notice a change just say, yes , do you like it ?
It should be all light at the start, this is too much reality for a new romance I fear. Wait until he is invested in you.
I think your instincts are right on this, just breeze past it and if it comes up and he notices just brush it off and say oh yes, its a right pain but has to be done until it grows back.

Oh that's the saddest thing...he obviously finds you attractive, just message him and say something like..

I feel uncomfortable about saying this but I want to be honest with you, my natural hair is very thin and I wear extensions, I'm hoping my natural hair will recover but who knows if it will. Anyway I'm really looking forward to seeing you and hope this doesn't worry you as much as it does me!

I have frontal fibrosing alopecia and have had for 20 years. The thing that makes my hair look better is keeping it really short. If I have any length on it it looks straggly. I have been in a relationship throughout this so have not had the new bf problem. The thing my DH has always liked is that I sometimes wear wigs, very different from my normal look in terms of colour and length and he totally loves them (makes him feel like he is with a different woman - fantasy land). So, it has been possible to turn this into a positive for me - maybe you can be bold with a wig or two - get a wig head band that holds the buggers on no matter what. Don't apologise for hair loss Imagine if you were a wig model that shaved your head for your job, and just wore the most amazing wigs and loved it.

Nobody is perfect physically or mentally or emotionally

The best thing that you can wear is a huge confident smile

Good luck

I've had no hair, short & long hair

I am still the same person with or without

Have you looked into the hair system where they put mesh and use your own hair and extensions?
My older sister had it done and you cannot tell at all it looks fantastic, she has to go every 8 weeks or so to have it maintained because of regrowth but its totally worth the initial outlay.

@Ozanj

Depending on the country you probably need to prepare for him to leave but it’s right for him to know. Tell him casually in a public place (maybe over coffee) in the really unlikely case he gets violent.

Violent? Over a hairpiece?

Bluebell You know 'another country'

I lost all my hair during chemo including lashes and eyebrows. I went very short when it happened, DH did not really pay attention.