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Original poster

Forgot anniversary

28 replies

Wtfhappenedhere · 04/10/2021 00:02

What do you think it says about a marriage if we both forgot our anniversary? ( I remembered literally half hour before midnight!, he didn't remember at all)
We are the type of people who used to celebrate it.

OP posts:
TonyThreePies · 04/10/2021 00:05

Yeah, mine forgot this year. I normally drip feed but decided not to this year to see if he remembered. He didn't.

RagzReturnsRebooted · 04/10/2021 00:06

DH and I have both forgotten at least twice in 12 years.

Original poster
Wtfhappenedhere · 04/10/2021 00:08

Do you have otherwise good marriages?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtfhappenedhere · 04/10/2021 00:10

I mean I'm no better than him, I forgot too although I had remembered a month ago that our anniversary was coming up.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 04/10/2021 00:11

If the relationship is otherwise OK, I don’t think it says anything that you need to worry about. Sometimes there’s more important things consuming our attention.

Dreamstate · 04/10/2021 00:15

Meh id rather little and small ways u show someone you love them more often than just one big celebration a year

So as long as you have those little moments across the year if say its fine if you didn't do the big one

Mynameismargot · 04/10/2021 00:17

Dh and I have agood relationship but always seem to forget our anniversary, maybe because we had a really low key 'wedding'? What we do and how we treat each other everyday is far more important to me than remembering one day 12 years ago when we got married.

Original poster
Wtfhappenedhere · 04/10/2021 00:21

@Dreamstate not really. Not much of anything...both getting on with day to day life

OP posts:
Dreamstate · 04/10/2021 00:22

Maybe a nice little wake up call to put a bit of focus on that so you don't just let life go on by

BookShark · 04/10/2021 00:48

We only remember because DFIL sends us a card every year. Otherwise we wouldn't have a clue (13 years married, 23 together). I could tell you the date if you asked, but it doesn't stand out as s special day if that makes sense.

It just isn't important to us - we don't "do" Valentine's either. We've always made sure we have regular nights out/away to ourselves, particularly post-DD, and see those as more important than celebrating a particular day.

Original poster
Wtfhappenedhere · 04/10/2021 01:02

I'm 6 months pregnant with severe sickness 😷. He's busy with work. We have young dc and just dont seem to care about the marriage anymore.
Maybe it's the hormones but it's upset me. Not just him forgetting but the the fact that we BOTH forgot.

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 04/10/2021 21:10

I can't imagine forgetting the day we got married and I know DH would never forget either.

Married 40 years and neither have ever forgotten and we have celebrated every one

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/10/2021 21:25

I think the first year my mum sent us a card and it was only then we remembered! Never made a thing of it, or of VD, we didn't need a reason to be grateful for our marriage or to cherish each other.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/10/2021 21:37

I think it’s generally important to acknowledge anniversaries, even if only in a very low key way; but I’ve never understood why some people feel that the challenge of remembering the date is a critical part of the process. It’s like a weird test to be passed. DP and I have the date in our joint calendar and then discuss whether we want to go out for it beforehand.

I’d be more concerned that you acknowledge you’re both neglecting the relationship, letting yourselves get bogged down in the day to day drudge, and have stopped appreciating each other. Communicate with each other about that and what needs to change rather than focussing on the fact that you both forgot a date.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2021 21:45

Why not have a chat with him about this, and your feelings in general.

You’ve presumably decided to add to your family because you love your family. Your marriage is the foundation for the whole thing. While life with young children is inevitably hectic you don’t want to look back and wonder why/how you forgot each other, forgot to invest in your marriage, made an effort to remember why you chose each other, to be together forever, to create children to enrich your lives.

Once they’ve grown up and flown the nest you’ll want to still have a full happy life together. You don’t want to look up once the drudgery is over and realise you don’t recognise the man you used to adore and chose to marry.

It’s probably a little blip, you’re ill and you’ve both got a lot on. But maybe it’s a wake up call, your upset about it suggests it might be.

No matter how busy you are you can make time to do nice things for each other.

Original poster
Wtfhappenedhere · 05/10/2021 08:24

I've brought it up time and again and I seem to low on his list of priorities but nothing ever changes.
I think I was more shocked that I forgot it myself this year as he's forgotten in thr past but for me to forget I feel like maybe I've given up?
I've asked for counselling but it never happens.
The pregnancy wasn't planned at all but I love my dc more than anything so I never considered not going through with it. Baby will be loved by all so that's not a worry to me.
However we are just trudging along and I don't see that changing but he doesn't seem to care whether I'm happy or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtfhappenedhere · 05/10/2021 08:27

And we have celebrated in the past but sometimes very low key, just presents then a cake etc which is perfectly fine by me I'm not into big celebrations at all.
Last year I txt him happy anniversary on the afternoon as I waited until then to see if he remembered.. he then rushed into tkmaxx and bought the most random collection of things as a present and claimed he'd had them all along to give me ( I looked at the receipt and he'd got them kn way home)
I mean he clearly wasn't bothered enough to make sure it didn't happen again

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 05/10/2021 09:13

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think it’s generally important to acknowledge anniversaries, even if only in a very low key way; but I’ve never understood why some people feel that the challenge of remembering the date is a critical part of the process. It’s like a weird test to be passed. DP and I have the date in our joint calendar and then discuss whether we want to go out for it beforehand.

I’d be more concerned that you acknowledge you’re both neglecting the relationship, letting yourselves get bogged down in the day to day drudge, and have stopped appreciating each other. Communicate with each other about that and what needs to change rather than focussing on the fact that you both forgot a date.

How exactly is remembering the date you got married a challenge?

I have a terrible memory and so does DH but we have never forgotten the date we got married.

You remember your birth date don't you?

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/10/2021 11:56

I can remember my DOB because it’s also my phone passcode. I couldn’t reliably tell you whether I’m 34 or 35 without thinking about it first, or the dates of most of the other major milestones in my life. Without my calendar, many people I know, including some people I love very dearly, could be guaranteed of getting a birthday card.

Regardless of whether remembering your anniversary should be a given, I’m willing to bet my relationship is a whole lot happier than the ones where one partner sets the other up to fail by not mentioning anything about the anniversary, waits to see whether or not their partner will remember the date, and then gets upset when they don’t.

layladomino · 05/10/2021 12:04

I can't imagine forgetting that date. Same as forgetting key birthdays - ours, our DCs. It's just 'there'. Me and my DH both have a pretty bad memory in general, but neither have ever forgotten our anniversary. And it isn't a case of 'I'd rather have lots of little ways through the year to show we care OR celebrate our anniversary' - surely both is better?

BUT I do understand that some people don't see any importance in birthdays and celebrations, which is fair enough.

I think if you used to remember something but stop noticing it, then it could be a sign that you have given up or it doesn't matter anymore. The exception being if you've got loads on - a family crisis or illness. In which case the date might not matter too much!

However Op you've said that you don't feel important to your DH anymore, and I can see why you'd stop making an effort when he repeatedly fails. Perhaps it's the time to start making changes towards a happier life?

Hadalifeonce · 05/10/2021 12:08

My mum used to call me to remind me. She died last year. We forgot last year, but remembered this.
It says nothing about the strength of our marriage. But we are both on the same page; I can imagine if one partner was upset by it, it would be a very different matter.

mydogisthebest · 05/10/2021 12:37

@ComtesseDeSpair

I can remember my DOB because it’s also my phone passcode. I couldn’t reliably tell you whether I’m 34 or 35 without thinking about it first, or the dates of most of the other major milestones in my life. Without my calendar, many people I know, including some people I love very dearly, could be guaranteed of getting a birthday card.

Regardless of whether remembering your anniversary should be a given, I’m willing to bet my relationship is a whole lot happier than the ones where one partner sets the other up to fail by not mentioning anything about the anniversary, waits to see whether or not their partner will remember the date, and then gets upset when they don’t.

So you only remember you birth date because it is also your phone passcode!

I just can't imagine not remembering my birth day or my DH's birthday or, come to that, my parents' birthdays, my siblings' birthdays.

I sometimes forget my actual age but only really as I have got older and the years fly by so quickly. A few seconds thought and I remember how old I am.

I get that some people don't celebrate their wedding anniversary but to forget the date just seems strange.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 05/10/2021 12:38

My DH forgets. I leave him a present out in the morning and he’ll then come home with chocolates and wine (that he brought that day).
It doesn’t bother me that he forgets but then it isn’t a big deal to me.

I've brought it up time and again and I seem to low on his list of priorities but nothing ever changes
This is the problem.

Yerra · 05/10/2021 13:31

I guess it depends on how important it is to ye. I don't mind my birthday or anniversary not been marked. Husband the same. Sometimes, if life not in the way we go celebrate with a nice meal or go away for a night. If at the time, there are other priorities, we don't. Really it is a personal thing to everyone.

beachlife18 · 05/10/2021 20:25

I forget mine and it's on my birthday lol