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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Already dreading Christmas with the in-laws!!

45 replies

User560 · 03/10/2021 20:07

To feel it’s normal to have anxiety and dread already with the lead up to spending the Christmas holidays with family I don’t like!?

I feel ridiculous saying this in October but honestly I feel sick to my stomach of the thought of having to spend Christmas Day with my in-laws and for me Christmas is not something I can look forward to now.

I have a very frosty relationship with MIL (mainly because she openly favourites SIL children and doesn’t agree with my parenting methods and is very vocal about it. One example: I don’t allow our 2yo the iPad to watch cartoons. SIL does and it’s fine with her so why can’t she do that with my child?! Proceeds to refuse to look after our 2yo as a result. Just ridiculous stuff like that to give some context) and my FIL can be stomach churning at times with his outdated views and comments where we all have to bite our tongue to avoid a huge blow up. When we do spend together it is very cordial and even though MIL can be difficult I try and involve her in our daughters life with stories/pictures etc via social media plus I am not a confrontational person so I don’t think they know my true feelings and usually just busy myself with our 2yo when they visit.

Problem is DH is desperate for them to come and at least pretend that everything is “perfect” in his eyes. It breaks my heart as DH is such a wonderful guy and always wants to see the best in people so quite often overlooks his parents actions/comments as I think it’s too painful for him to accept the truth. He even has asked them already if they wanted to come like an eager little boy and they simply shrugged and said they would see what SIL is doing first.

I will of course suck it up and go along with the flow as if I try to say anything remotely negative I see the pain in my DH eyes at hearing such things about his parents so I back off immediately, but it’s proving hard this year as after missing out so much last year it’s hard to accept that another Christmas will be ruined.

OP posts:

Snowdropsandbluebells · 03/10/2021 20:10

Can you have christmas on your own and organise another meal (eg Sunday roast) another time. That is what we do.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 03/10/2021 20:12

Organise your own christmas. You're a grown up now.

Original poster

User560 · 03/10/2021 20:12

I would love that and have suggested it to DH but he’s absolutely hellbent on them coming Christmas Eve and staying until
Boxing Day as in the 4 years we have been together they never have and he sees it very much as “their turn” 😭

OP posts:

Snowdropsandbluebells · 03/10/2021 20:15

Oh no that's too much sorry

MotherOfKitten · 03/10/2021 20:15

Why on earth would you 'suck it up and go with the flow'? Xmas is supposed to be an enjoyable time!

If you don't enjoy being there then start making your own family Xmas day traditions in your family unit of 3 in your own home.

You can go and see the in-laws another day or better still, DH can take the DC while you put your feet up!

Notaroadrunner · 03/10/2021 20:16

Well more fool you for sucking it up. I wouldn't put up with it for anyone's sake. Why should your day be ruined because your Dh can't accept that he doesn't have a perfect family. Given his mother won't even accept his invitation until she sees if she can get a better offer, I'd be telling her that the offer is off the table.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 03/10/2021 20:17

Why not leave the managing of the dc and mil's relationship to dh? That way he can see who has made the effort to maintain one and it isn't mil. She isn't going to make much effort and doubtful he will...
Wean him off the idea that playing happy families is right for your family..

PaperDolphin · 03/10/2021 20:18

You need to do alternate years. You choose how you do Christmas one year, DH has his parents round the next. It's only fair. Sounds like it's your turn this year...

Iloveacurry · 03/10/2021 20:20

By the sounds of it, they will probably spend it with SIL. You should breathe a sigh of relief.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2021 20:31

Do not do this to yourself re another Christmas or any other special occasion ruined, make your own traditions and do not involve his parents in any way. What are your boundaries like re his parents, they seem to be needing urgent revising. If he cannot or will not stand up for either himself or his family unit here then you are going to have to do this. You absolutely need to present a united front as a couple when it comes to his parents.

I would be handing your DH a copy of “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward.
Would your DH consider now seeing a BACP therapist about his parents and sister?. That may sound a bit extreme to you but he has come from an emotionally unhealthy family structure that seems to have narcissism in it. he is very much hurting re his family and it’s affecting you people now. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and his appears to be one of scapegoat. His sister is the golden child, a role also not without price either but she is unaware of that. My guess too is that for your h, growing up in that house was miserable.

As a result of all this your children and you as his family get scapegoated as well.

He still wants their approval hence his pleading type behaviour but they will never give him this. He needs to realise that his own inertia when it comes to them as well as his fear, obligation and guilt regarding them absolutely hurts him as well as you. He may never want to accept that his parents are not the nice kind parents he so wants them to be so tries to knock himself out getting their approval. Their shrugging of the shoulders saying they will see what his sister does first is not atypical from such dysfunctional people either, they are keeping him hanging deliberately.

Please encourage him to find a therapist and encourage him also to look at the website entitled out of the FOG.

Icanflyhigh · 03/10/2021 20:32

Absolutely not, if it makes you feel this stressed this early, it isn't worth it.

DH had always been expected to go with his siblings and partners/kids to his mums every year without fail and when we first got together we carried on going. But this Will now be the third year running that he has said no and we've done our own family Xmas. We have three DC but I only get alternate Xmas with them as they go to their bio father every other year.

Stand your ground, tell DH no, and plan your own family Xmas which Absolutely doesn't include MIL/FIL/SIL etc.

TonkinLenkicks · 03/10/2021 20:32

I’ve said no to the in-laws this year. Can’t be doing it. It’s my Christmas too and I want to spend it with my husband and my babies. Sorry that doesn’t help you 😂 but maybe just saying you’ll have fake Christmas- week before do a fake Christmas Day. We have 3 Christmasses in this house!

NapoleonOzmolysis · 03/10/2021 20:36

DH always liked the idea of his mum coming for Christmas but about 18 hours in would remember why day-long visits worked better

It sounds as if you are very much second choice so hopefully your SIL will sort her plans soon and you'll be off the hook.

updownroundandround · 04/10/2021 07:08

@User560

What about your parents OP ? Could they come for Xmas too ?

If so, I'd be telling DH that you've also invited your parents so that you could all have one very large family Xmas.

That way, at best, your In-Laws will say they are going to your SIL's house again, and you can relax and enjoy Xmas with your family.
At worst, your parents will be there to 'dilute' your PIL's worst excesses in criticizing you.

WouldBeGood · 04/10/2021 11:40

@User560 you need to set boundaries and just say no to this.

It will spoil your Christmas and that of your DCs. And it’s a bad model for them tbh. Don’t waste these precious Christmases with little children by pandering to toxic relatives.

Bill it to DH as your own family Christmas in a good way, and see them another day. For the day, not staying over.

RumblyMumbly · 04/10/2021 12:05

@User560 your PIL sound exactly like mine even with preference for seeing their daughter over DH (which suits me fine!)
I know my PIL and I would never choose to spend time with each other independently but we do it for the people we care for in common. Over the years DH has realised that his parents hold pretty awful views and he has pulled them up on it but they do persist and I feel quite sorry for him as they are his parents and although he doesn't share their beliefs he still wants them to be part of his life. I still go to hear what's being said in earshot of my children & so I can challenge if necessary (and I think they censor themselves more in my presence as they think I am woke!)

Likewise, I'm sure there are aspects of spending time with my family that DH doesn't enjoy but he visits on mine and the DC's behalf so we rotate one year with his family, one with mine. Lockdown worked for us as we saw no-one

Christmas Day does go fast, try & just enjoy the food & the childrens excitement (which i think is often heightened by sharing it with family). I find it helps to focus on the positives for your family and not the personal negatives in the situation. My husband appreciates that I 'take one for the team' when I mix with them.

Riada · 04/10/2021 12:12

I've been with DH since 1993 and we've never spent Christmas with his parents (and only I think twice with mine). And he also needs to deal with my unvarnished opinion of his family, just like I need to deal with his unvarnished opinion of mine. We're adults who don't need to pretend one another's families are 'perfect'.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/10/2021 12:35

Don't do it, just learn to say no.
I've said no for the last 5 years. I refuse to spend Christmas with people I don't like.

RumblyMumbly · 04/10/2021 14:00

I'm surprised so many people take such a hard line on seeing (or rather not seeing) their inlaws. Am just wondering about the dynamics of this - do your partners refuse to see your family too?

billy1966 · 04/10/2021 14:22

So he's a fabulous man who lives completely in denial about his parents and doesn't give a damn about how his wife feels or what she would like to spend Christmas?

He doesn't even consult you?
Just goes ahead and invites them to YOUR home?

Your relationship bar is on the ground.
He is NOT a fabulous guy.
He is a very selfish, weak little man who doesn't care about you very much.

He is also highly manipulative in that you are afraid to mention it.

The only person that can change this is you.

PermanentTemporary · 04/10/2021 14:28

Tbh I'm a bit amazed at all these responses. I think you've got every reason to be dreading it, but you're doing it for your husband's sake and that surely is pretty normal.

When I used to have my Dad for Christmas my secret weapon was alcohol - he liked a glass of wine but it put him to sleep almost immediately. Onto the sofa with a glass and cue peace and quiet apart from the snoring

I also went for late breakfast, going to bed at the same time as the children, and forcing dad to have a Christmas walk that ds would enjoy, eg to the playground. He was uninterested in ds or what he liked so would very rapidly head off on his own or go back home.

I basically survived it as well as I could. Let dh take the brunt of it.

PermanentTemporary · 04/10/2021 14:30

Oh - and I also made my own Christmas times that I loved with just us, eg carol service, making Christmas food etc.

RumblyMumbly · 04/10/2021 14:32

woah there @billy1966 so the OP's DH has never had his parents round to there house for christmas in the 4 years they have been together. He would like to share Christmas with his parents and his partner and child and you are calling him selfish, weak and highly manipulative because of it!?

@User560 have you been with your parents at Christmas since you and DP have been together? Has your DP 'put up' with that? Or do you propose that it's just you, him and your DC now forevermore until your DC get partners and go and do their own independent Christmases with their DC that never involve you?

RumblyMumbly · 04/10/2021 14:32

typo *their house

Original poster

User560 · 04/10/2021 17:03

Thank you for all the responses - it’s nice to hear that some of you are the same boat with dealing with the complexity that is”family”. In an ideal world I would of course say no to all of this and spend my Christmas with my family but I think that solution is easier said than done and would result in repercussions that would linger long after Christmas was over…My DH has spent considerable time with my family over the years and they love him to bits and he had often said he loves them more than his own family especially as he has such a close bond with my mother and I think it highlights what he’s missing in his relationship with his own. Being with my family so much is probably why it’s all come to a head lately with pushing the “big family Christmas” as he is desperate to have what he has with my family with his own and prove to me they are OK. I love how one user referred to spending time with their DHs family as “taking one for the team” - that is exactly how I think about it at times! Anyway, I just thought I’d post to have my little rant and do feel better for it. Anyways as others have said they probably even end up coming so all this worry will probably be for nothing!! 🙈

@billy1966 Wow! Extreme much!? 😂🙈

OP posts:

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