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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Already dreading Christmas with the in-laws!!

45 replies

User560 · 03/10/2021 20:07

To feel it’s normal to have anxiety and dread already with the lead up to spending the Christmas holidays with family I don’t like!?

I feel ridiculous saying this in October but honestly I feel sick to my stomach of the thought of having to spend Christmas Day with my in-laws and for me Christmas is not something I can look forward to now.

I have a very frosty relationship with MIL (mainly because she openly favourites SIL children and doesn’t agree with my parenting methods and is very vocal about it. One example: I don’t allow our 2yo the iPad to watch cartoons. SIL does and it’s fine with her so why can’t she do that with my child?! Proceeds to refuse to look after our 2yo as a result. Just ridiculous stuff like that to give some context) and my FIL can be stomach churning at times with his outdated views and comments where we all have to bite our tongue to avoid a huge blow up. When we do spend together it is very cordial and even though MIL can be difficult I try and involve her in our daughters life with stories/pictures etc via social media plus I am not a confrontational person so I don’t think they know my true feelings and usually just busy myself with our 2yo when they visit.

Problem is DH is desperate for them to come and at least pretend that everything is “perfect” in his eyes. It breaks my heart as DH is such a wonderful guy and always wants to see the best in people so quite often overlooks his parents actions/comments as I think it’s too painful for him to accept the truth. He even has asked them already if they wanted to come like an eager little boy and they simply shrugged and said they would see what SIL is doing first.

I will of course suck it up and go along with the flow as if I try to say anything remotely negative I see the pain in my DH eyes at hearing such things about his parents so I back off immediately, but it’s proving hard this year as after missing out so much last year it’s hard to accept that another Christmas will be ruined.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/10/2021 17:13

Apologies OP, I misread, I thought that said EVERY year in 4 years they had come to yours.

I apologise.

However, inviting them to stay when you don't like them isn't very respectful.

How about he takes your child there for a couple of days and you go to your family, if you dislike it that much.

RumblyMumbly · 04/10/2021 20:56

@User560 it's good to let your annoyance out, anonymous rants are what Mumsnet was designed for

NanooCov · 04/10/2021 21:08

Just checking that I understand. You've been with your DP for 4 years and haven't spent Christmas with his parents yet?
If that's the case, as much as you don't like them, if your DP wants to spend Christmas with them then I think you should probably suck it up for his sake. Of course you'll probably have to deal with the fall out when his dream of a lovely family Christmas blows up in his face if his mother and father are as much of a pain in the arse as you make out.
If you'd spent Christmas with them before and wanted a change this year my answer would be different.

Wimblingwombling · 04/10/2021 21:15

We take turns with our families- I think most families have their idiosyncrasies so we put up with it for each other and the kids? I think it would be hurtful not to see them?

Pinkbonbon · 04/10/2021 21:26

I can't even stand Christmas with people I do like. Ar least, not for more than a few hours for dinner.

I prefer to spend Christmas in my pants, with a bottle of something good and some disney movies on TV.

Lovelydiscusfish · 04/10/2021 21:30

I think you have to suck it up every other year to be honest - the examples you have given of why you don’t like them aren’t SO extreme to give reasonable grounds to refuse I don’t think, given that your partner (from what you say) makes a lot of effort with your side of the family. Sorry it is stressing you out tho - I have endured a fair few stressful christmases myself to appease my various previous partners, and I know it can be tough.

Regarding your MIL not wanting to look after your two year old - I am assuming from what you say that this is because you won’t let her let the two year old watch cartoons on the IPad, and this is something she finds helpful when doing childcare? If so, I think she is well within her rights to be honest. I wouldn’t do childcare for someone who imposed similar restrictions. Not meant as any criticism of you - you are obviously fully entitled to your decisions regarding your child - but she is also fully entitled to not wish to work within them, and I don’t think that makes her especially unpleasant or even unusual.

MoreStuffingMatron · 05/10/2021 05:40

OP luckily you and your in laws are in complete agreement on this one, you don’t want to host them and they don’t want to come.

So hopefully they will badger SIL into inviting them and will all blow over.

Riapia · 05/10/2021 06:29

But that is the true spirit of Christmas.
Families gathered together for two days of mutual loathing.
😁😁😁😉

tenredthings · 05/10/2021 07:06

I so get this. My secret weapon is to invite a random guest to come too from outside the family. I used to invite our neighbour who lived on his own. The extra guest distracts the in-laws attention and keeps everyone on their best behavior.

layladomino · 05/10/2021 07:32

I can see that your DH feels guilty and as though he needs to make up for the fact you haven't seen them at Christmas for 4 years. But if he is a nice guy he won't want you to have to spend 3 days with people who are rude to you.

Is there a compromise? Do your own Christmas as you'd like, and invite them / go to them the weekend before, or between Christmas and New Year. Or have a fancy meal out together.

It sounds like they'd rather spend time with SIL anyway, so that might suit them too. And then even though you still have to spend time with them, you get your Christmas Day / Boxing Day how you'd like it.

MollyButton · 05/10/2021 07:41

I don't think they will come, unless they have "fallen out " with SIL.

I'd probably suggest you read something like "Toxic Families" to prepare yourself. It sounds to me as if there is a bit of a toxic dynamic going on here. But you can't force your DH to see it. I also wonder if there is a bit of a class or north/south divide going on?

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 05/10/2021 08:17

I'm not clear whether you've spent Xmas with your parents, siblings in the last 4 years but I think you probably have from what you wrote. In which case I think it is not unreasonable of your OH to want to spend this year with his. I think you may be giving your MIL a bit of a hard time about her not looking after your child if she can't use the cartoon babysitter. It may genuinely be too much for her, in which case it's fair enough for you to have those rules for your child but then it's also fair enough for her to say she can't look after him. Perhaps you can let some of the resentment go - which might help you tolerate and not get drawn into the other things which frustrate you. Is there any way you can try and get some things that are important to you in the day? e.g. a walk, watching a particular film - anything which adds a bit of sparkle for you.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/10/2021 08:19

I so get it OP. It's called life with families. It's not extreme or abusive, non one is going NC but it's just tedious, grating and pita. Couple that with all the expectations around Christmas. "fun, joy, happiness..." and its so easy for it all build up into stress and anxiety.

Your OH really wants this to be great. It probably won't be. This year ( if they accept ) think of it as " a day with turkey " dial it down in your mind. As someone said take one for the team. Your LO will have a great time regardless.

There will be plenty more Christmas' on your terms. Hopefully it'll be another 4 years before you might have to do this again.

GentlemanJay · 05/10/2021 08:20

I hated spending Christmas with my MIL. I sorted the problem. I divorced her daughter.

billy1966 · 05/10/2021 09:19

@tenredthings

Very clever.

MrsDThomas · 05/10/2021 10:40

Time to be adults and say no.

Ditch the hosting.

I absolutely loathe it. We did it for years when the kids were young, fetching mil, aunt, returned them home. Now they’re dead, we have the Christmas we want.kids are older and we missed out on precious times. I resent it.

Break that habit.

GreenestValley · 05/10/2021 12:33

You need to weigh up whether the effort is worth it for the lasting harmony you get as a result. I.e., you've got through it and now everyone's happy for another 2 years.

Saying no might feel good and give you a 'better' two days, but is it worth upsetting your DH, damaging your relationship with them, etc?

With families you've got to play the long game I find.

GreenestValley · 05/10/2021 12:34

@MrsDThomas

Time to be adults and say no.

Ditch the hosting.

Break that habit.

Did you really not think it was worth it at all to give family members a nice Christmas in their older age?

MrsDThomas · 05/10/2021 12:51

No, not when other were around and refused to do it.

Do not judge my opinion on one post.

Larryyourwaiter · 05/10/2021 13:19

I used to dread going to in laws all year. They lived a big distance away so the expectation was we always had to go to theirs.
Problem was MIL hated Christmas and used to make it as unpleasant as possible, all whilst lecturing me on how lucky I was to be there. FIL used to get drunk and unpleasant.
8 years since they’ve both passed away, and I still have leftover Christmas anxiety.

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