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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really struggling in relationship

40 replies

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 20:41

Hi all,

After some advice please as I have no where to turn. My husband and I have not got on well since our first child was born. I know it can be a strain on a relationship at first however we're now two years in and it's still not better. I get the blame for everything, every few months he just explodes, I appreciate I'm not perfect but i'm sure i can't constantly be at fault. Today I needed to do a Covid PCR test and he was aware of that but he threw most of the items in the bin, apparently he was helping by tidying up. I was frustrated considering it was items that shouldn't be contaminated but he then lost it at me in front of our 2 year old calling me a F*King c*t and saying I have been unbearable for weeks. I appreciate you don't know the ins and outs of the relationship but when I told him I didn't understand what he was blaming me for but didn't want him shouting at me infront of our child he lost it again.

All I want to know is, is this normal for a relationship? I think I wind him up at times, which to me is normal relationship crap but him screaming at me aggressively in front of our child is not a behaviour I want them to think is normal.

Is anyone else in a relationship where they always get the blame and never ever get an apology? I was basically told that if i behaved he wouldn't need to shout at me like that. I feel I wasn't being unreasonable for getting annoyed at him throwing something away that I needed.

Sorry for such a long message!

OP posts:

LaRobeRouge · 02/10/2021 20:45

This isn't normal. He's an abusive bastard, and he's happy to be an abusive bastard in front of your little one. I'm not one for jumping to LTB, but the disdain and lack of respect he's showing you and your child is unlikely to improve. You deserve better.

TheFoundations · 02/10/2021 20:55

Why are you more concerned about whether it's 'normal' than you are about how it makes you feel?

Have a think. Focus on how you feel when he treats you in that way. Decide whether that's how you want to feel in your primary relationship. Decide whether that's the feeling you want to demonstrate to your child as 'how adult relationships work'.

What do you think, when you look at it with that persepctive?

Original poster

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 20:55

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply i really appreciate it!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 21:01

Your marriage now is to all intents and purposes over. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What you are describing here is an abusive relationship with your husband abusing you, and in turn your son.

You are not responsible for your husband’s emotions and no you do not wind him up either (this is likely what he tells you to justify his abuse of you). In the abuser’s head it is always someone else’s fault, never their own. Men like this hate women, ALL of them.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Your son cannot afford to grow up seeing you being abused by his dad, he needs to learn positive and healthy relationship lessons.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid and get their help to leave this abusive relationship safely. You also should consider seeking legal advice re separation and divorce.

Abuse like this takes time, years even to recover from and your recovery from his abuse will only properly start when you have left him. Do also look at the Freedom Programme which is online.

Original poster

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 21:02

That's a really good point, when i think of it that way i feel miserable. I keep telling myself there will be only one more chance for him but it's the self doubt as in am i that much of a nightmare that he is right, i am to blame. It's hard to sometimes know if you are the one in the wrong. But surely to god everyone falls out in relationships without the verbal abuse and the walking on egg shells every few months as he's developed the pattern of losing it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 21:06

Thank you for taking the time to reply, i really appreciate all the information you have given me.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 21:09

Plan your exit with due care, your safety is of paramount importance. Your child will also thank you for a childhood free of seeing you (and in turn him) being abused.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Start opening up to trusted people about life at home with your husband, abuse like described really does thrive on secrecy. Do talk to Women s Aid. Do not enter into any joint counselling with him under any circumstances.

CarolinaInMyMind · 02/10/2021 21:11

This does't sound right or good OP. Im sorry. It must have been a tricky two years. I think couples and individual therapy would help. Maybe give yourself a strict timeline. Try some things and if its not better in 6 months then consider leaving. This sounds bad for you and your child.

Good luck

TheFoundations · 02/10/2021 21:12

It's hard to sometimes know if you are the one in the wrong

You're not. But even if you were, right and wrong don't matter. You can tell if a relationship is healthy for you according to how you feel.

Be careful of 'normal'. As an adult, you have your own normal. It's not the same as anybody else's. Nobody can tell you what's normal for you. Some couples have regular arguments and seem to thrive on it. Some feel like it's too much stress if they fall out more than twice a year.

Your feelings, when you take notice of them, are signposts. After all, the bit of you that does 'miserable' is also the bit that does 'happy', 'contented', 'peaceful', 'secure'. You have to listen to that bit of you. You can't much control what you like and what you don't like, so all you can do is make sure that you spend time in places and with people who make you feel positive things. In the same way as you don't eat sprouts if you don't enjoy them, choose the people to surround yourself with. Make a distance from people who make you feel like you might be faulty.

Do you have other people in your life who you regularly fall out with and then feel that it might be you who's messing it all up? If not, it's really just a problem that could be removed by removing him, isn't it?

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2021 21:16

Don't give lions second chances to maul you.
Or bullies second chances to bully you.
Or psychopaths second chances to abuse you.

He is nothing like you. There's something rotten in him and people like that will only ever pull you down into the darkness in which they are tethered.

Free yourself and your little one from living around toxic people like him. Don't let your baba grow up seeing their mother abused like this. Or they in turn will grow up to think it is normal to stay around and accept abuse from a predator, from a bully, and from any psychopath that happens to come into their life.

Original poster

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 21:19

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond, i really do appreciate it. It's given me a lot to think about as i was expecting to be told it wasn't that uncommon for these types of arguments.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2021 21:22

It's absolutely not normal. If anyone called me a fucking cunt even without the screaming i would never want to be around them again because they are bloody horrible. But he aggressive says these things. And infront of your young child. He is a sick bastard and should be nowhere near women.

And he is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 21:22

Re your last sentence why did you think that?. Is this what he has led you to believe?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 21:24

My question here is to the OP re her post at the time of 21:22.

TheFoundations · 02/10/2021 21:27

@CarolinaInMyMind

Good luck

I was basically told that if i behaved he wouldn't need to shout at me like that

This is DARVO. It's an abusive relationship. Couples counselling is not recommended for an abusive relationship, because the abuser will abuse it.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Regularsizedrudy · 02/10/2021 21:28

You’re in an abusive relationship. It’s not normal to be screamed at or called a fucking cunt. Sadly, pregnancy and a new baby is a common time when abusers show their true colours because they know you are at your most vulnerable.

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2021 21:32

If you 'behaved'. Ffs. You are not a child. He is not your parent.

And if you 'behaved' he would still find ways to claim you had not, so that he could shout at you (so that you will be intimidated and walk on egg shells - because that is what he wants).

Original poster

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 21:41

Thank you all for replying.
Is there no way that this isnt abuse? For example he is a great dad and always does lots to help and is more domesticated than me. I honestly wasn't expecting such a strong reaction but maybe i have my head up my arse and i dont want my child experiencing anything negative like that again so i need to sort it out.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2021 21:45

He is not a great dad op. He screams at his baby's mother infront of his child.

Did you know that that sort of trauma to a young child's brain can cause life long personality disorders to develop. Npd and bpd for example have been linked with trauma like this around the age of 2-4.

It is absolutely abuse. Normal people do not communicate with other people like this. He is batshit nuts.

TheFoundations · 02/10/2021 21:51

Is there no way that this isnt abuse

It is definitely abuse.

But, again, that's a label, just like 'normal'. The way he treats you makes you feel miserable. You can label it 'normal', you can label it 'abuse', you can label it 'a unicorn from mars'. The label doesn't matter.

Can you not see the contradiction in saying that he's a great dad, in the same breath as saying you can't have your child witness his behaviour? Great dads don't bring abuse into the family. And abusers don't abuse all the time. Hitler was quite a nice bloke to have coffee and a cake with, apparently. You know, smart, funny, loved animals etc. Being nice sometimes doesn't mean that you are nice always.

Don't be around people who are sometimes not nice, and who sometimes make you feel miserable. It's that simple. You don't need to complicate it with 'Is it my fault', 'Is it normal?', 'Is it abuse?' Just get away from people who make you feel crap, and especially if they try to make you feel crap about yourself.

Original poster

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 22:12

That's really terrified me that my little one could be so badly affected by this. I really cant have this messing them up.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2021 22:15

Leave for yourself too though op. No one deserves to live their life walking on eggshells for fear they will be screamed at or goodness knows what else.
That's not a relationship, its a jail cell.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/10/2021 22:19

I have complex trauma by witnessing my parents screaming and shouting and am on psychiatric medication for life (I'm 60 years old) and will never get better.
Is this what a "good dad" does to his child. Don't let this happen to your child.

Original poster

Lost0013 · 02/10/2021 22:24

Thank you, you're right if it wasnt for little one i would have left a while ago.

OP posts:

Queenie6655 · 02/10/2021 22:26

@Lost0013

Thank you all for replying. Is there no way that this isnt abuse? For example he is a great dad and always does lots to help and is more domesticated than me. I honestly wasn't expecting such a strong reaction but maybe i have my head up my arse and i dont want my child experiencing anything negative like that again so i need to sort it out.

It's abusive sadly

I've lived through it

Would often come on here and report that he did x,y.z
My posts got so many strong responses but at the time I could barely accept it

Glad I kept posting got some great advice

Praying he is jailed

Sorry you are going through this

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