Really struggling in relationship

[Lost0013]

Hi all,

After some advice please as I have no where to turn. My husband and I have not got on well since our first child was born. I know it can be a strain on a relationship at first however we're now two years in and it's still not better. I get the blame for everything, every few months he just explodes, I appreciate I'm not perfect but i'm sure i can't constantly be at fault. Today I needed to do a Covid PCR test and he was aware of that but he threw most of the items in the bin, apparently he was helping by tidying up. I was frustrated considering it was items that shouldn't be contaminated but he then lost it at me in front of our 2 year old calling me a F*King c*t and saying I have been unbearable for weeks. I appreciate you don't know the ins and outs of the relationship but when I told him I didn't understand what he was blaming me for but didn't want him shouting at me infront of our child he lost it again.

All I want to know is, is this normal for a relationship? I think I wind him up at times, which to me is normal relationship crap but him screaming at me aggressively in front of our child is not a behaviour I want them to think is normal.

Is anyone else in a relationship where they always get the blame and never ever get an apology? I was basically told that if i behaved he wouldn't need to shout at me like that. I feel I wasn't being unreasonable for getting annoyed at him throwing something away that I needed.

Sorry for such a long message!

I am so so sorry for what you have been through. Can i ask was this a frequent occurence? It's every few months for us but not always in front of little one.

Interesting question

So my story
Started off all lovely

Love bomb
Then abuse
Humiliation
Pregnancy - extreme abuse

Got worse and worse

I would say huge row we all fled once every month
Few weeks quiet
More fights
We all flee

Be so so careful
Sorry to say this

I remember when the awful person broke my two fingers - I rang woman's aid as I was so confused
She said GET OUT NOW
LIKE RIGHT AWAY

I thought she was having a bad day so buried it all

I wish at that time I listened to every word she said

As it got worse
She warned me it would

I'm so sorry you went through this as well but i'm glad you got away and i hope you are ok now.

None of this turmoil is normal.

@Lost0013

That's really terrified me that my little one could be so badly affected by this. I really cant have this messing them up.

I witnessed this throughout my childhood. Lots of laughter in our house, lots of the time. Dad was great fun and affectionate, Mum was super witty and hilarious. Then they'd fall out, every couple of months, roughly. There would be horrible shouting, swearing, name calling, throwing things, and ultimately, violence.

My relationships as an adult were based on this pattern until I had counselling in my 40s. I didn't even know I was replicating my parents' relationship. But that's what we do: we find relationships that feel similar to what we saw our grown ups doing when we were kids.

What was your upbringing like, OP? Are you replicating your Mum being disrespected by your dad, and never being sure if it was her fault? Are you replicating your own relationship with your Dad where you were often in trouble for things that weren't your fault?

im getting ready to go to bed as im not feeling that well , so im not going to type a long reply , but no its not normal , hes abusive and leaving is what needs to be done

The main thing is how you feel about it. If you don't feel like it's ok, then it isnt. Once you respect yourself, you really see things in a different light as to what your willing to put up with.
But to answer your question, no it isn't normal and I left my partner and set up on my own with my 1yo for same reasons. Obviously more to it but there's always something that starts it in the first place.
If you ever have to ask or wonder if something is normal behaviour then it probably isn't! xx

If you haven’t already please google Narcissists right away. It will either be a lightbulb moment for you or not.
It’s not just as easy as saying LTB; you need to learn about exactly what he is and what you’re dealing with.
If he is one there is so much advice and support out there for you, it’s just different dealing with these people especially if you have children with them.

I agree with everyone's comments but it comes across that you are only just starting to question whether the fault simply sits with you? It definitely doesn't! It takes time to digest all the facts in their true light, but please keep doing this.
It is a good idea to get an idea of what your boundaries are - how you want to be/don't want to be treated and make sure that these are communicate clearly to him.
If unclear about whether his behaviour is acceptable or not, ask yourself whether you would treat him in the same way and feel alright about it.
If the answer is no, then it is unacceptable for you to be treated in this way as well.

Its important you get your head straight and have good support around you before you make any dramatic changes.

Will be thinking about you. Please take care of yourself

My mum and dad split up when i was young i dont remember much of that part of my life but it couldve had an affect.

I'll have a look at narcissists thank you.

@Lost0013

My mum and dad split up when i was young i dont remember much of that part of my life but it couldve had an affect.

I'll have a look at narcissists thank you.

I think pp means narcissistic personality disorder. Because if you just Google narcissists you'll only get the pop culture reference of shallow selfie taking, self absorbed asshats lol.

Thank you, i think i need time to sleep on it and reflect. I want to smack him over the head with a frying pan so maybe im just as bad as him lol but seriously though i do need to think about a lot of things.

Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft is on sale in Kindle fire £2.50
Buy it and it'll explain a lot to you.

Yes please do read that book ‘why does he do that?’

I will do thank you!