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Original poster

Bad dads

41 replies

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 10:07

I read something on another thread that made me think.
I confuse myself regularly without much help but I'm wondering, which is better?
A father that dips in and out of young children's lives when he feels like it or a father that isn't involved at all?
It's a general wondering that is relevant to my situation but I wonder if I'm trying for the wrong thing

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 02/10/2021 10:21

Both are obviously horrible for the children
But my personal feeling is that having no contact is at least consistent. But I guess some of it will depend on the child themselves.

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 10:36

It's very painful to watch.

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/10/2021 12:12

I think having no dad around at all is probably better than an unreliable one where they are forever wondering if he's going to turn up, and being let down.

Jigsawprison · 02/10/2021 12:28

I agree with previous posters.
I asked dc dad to be either in or out of his life. Dad chose out. Dc settled down and was much happier. Dc met dad twice when he was 13 dad didn't make any effort and dc decided he didn't want any further contact. Dc is now 18 and feels I did the right thing in his case (he's seen friends who have had inconsistent contact). I do think it depends on the child, the contact and age.

Guineapigbridge · 02/10/2021 12:42

Yeah it's worse to be in and out, inconsistent

Mumoblue · 02/10/2021 12:50

As a person who had a “dip in and out” dad, I preferred when he wasn’t around.
It got to the point where any time my mum said he was coming to see us on a certain date I’d just roll my eyes and say “Yeah sure he is”.

He stopped putting in effort when I was 15. Since then I see him on average one day out of every five years.

Children need stability, and parental contact they can rely on.

sittingonacornflake · 02/10/2021 12:52

OP so far I'm pleased you started this thread as over a year ago I made the 'in or out' ultimatum and he chose out. I've been kicking myself ever since wondering if the odd 20 minutes a week was in fact better. But seems it probably wasn't.

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 13:13

I was thinking that something is better than nothing but i think I've been wrong.
It's painful but they are more stable when he's not an issue

OP posts:
TimeToDateAgain · 02/10/2021 13:21

Disney dads and dip-dip-dip dads are disruptive.

Children need consistency and reliability.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 02/10/2021 16:00

People say different things, most people on this thread are saying an absent dad is better but when I posted a thread about my ex being fully absent and not giving him another chance if he does come back (he dips in and out once a year) I was told that’s better than nothing! and I should allow it to continue so the kids can see for themselves 🤷‍♀️ So you will never get a straight answer which is better

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 02/10/2021 16:06

I think an absent dad is only seen as “better” if HE doesn’t try to make contact, If he does then you are told to give him a chance, don’t stop him, makes you as bad as him, means your stopping him, let the children learn for themselves etc

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 16:06

@BakingOfTheFoodCats exactly. It's so difficult to get it actually right and I doubt myself.
A solicitor told me I should stop contact and let him chase me for it in court.
But I went with letting him see them when he would for their sake. What I'm finding is when they've seen him they are confused, unsettled, wondering when they will see him next.
When they haven't seen him the settle down a lot.
(He's not just a bit shit he's a nasty piece of work, the history with me is bad. But he claims they are his world Hmm)

OP posts:
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 16:08

He wants them as photo props when it suits him. I've allowed them always to go and he still tells people it's me that stops contact. I never have
I'm not going to initiate contact again I just don't know what to do when/ if he does

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 16:12

"A solicitor told me I should stop contact and let him chase me for it in court".

Your solicitor was correct. Letting your nasty ex see the children for their own sake has backfired on you and them quite badly. Stop the contact; these young people need stability and consistency in a parent after all. Your ex is neither.

If he is nasty to you, then he more likely than not is going to behave poorly with his children as well. He merely uses them as pawns to further get back at you with and to further "punish" you for having the gall to leave him, this most perfect of specimens in his head.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 02/10/2021 16:12

I asked a little while ago if I should block my absent ex because he’s in and out too much and the kids no longer want to see him and I was told not to block him as that means I making them decision to stop contact (despite the fact we haven’t seen him since jan) and let the kids learn for themselves so I think if you had posted a different thread that should you let your ex keep seeing the kids even though he is inconsistent you would get told yes you should so they can’t blame you when they are older, so much for an absent dad being better 😕

bettycat81 · 02/10/2021 16:13

My DS has a very inconsistent dad and it is very hard to positively co-parent in this situation. In the past few years I'd say that, honestly, I have stopped trying to pretend that he is a parent - he remains his father but he does not parent him. I couldn't continue to excuse his behaviour to my Son and he needed someone to acknowledge the upset and validate his emotions. It's a constant battle of guilt that I have but my Son is much better for it. They do see each other but it really is more of a Uncle/nephew relationship - they watch a film or go out to eat once or twice a month.

Theunamedcat · 02/10/2021 16:16

Loads of people will give men chance after chance after chance courts will children services will everyone respects the rights of men to dip in and out of there childs life

Think about how everyone reacts when a woman does it

Pinkspecs · 02/10/2021 16:36

From experience, no contact at all.

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 16:38

It would be too long a post to put here but he's reached levels of ignoring these children I couldn't have expected.
He knows it causes me pain for them to be hurt and that's why he does it. I've been told by so many to give up and now I think I have to. It's his loss

OP posts:
BakingOfTheFoodCats · 02/10/2021 18:03

FWIW my son said to me if his dad didn’t want to see him when he’s older than he shouldn’t have bothered to see him as a baby, he said why bother to see him at all. But I find get mixed messages depending On what you post so if you ask is an absent dad better than an inconsistent one you will be told better to be absent but if post my kids dad is inconsistent and keep messing the kids around and disappears for months/years at a time should I say enough is enough and close the door you will be told not sure to 🤷‍♀️

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/10/2021 21:57

From personal experience as that child, NC would have been less damaging. Everytime there was contact we'd get our hopes up then have to grieve again when said parent disappeared, only to come back many months i later when we were finally coping ok and promising the world, before disappearing and starting the cycle again.

BertieBotts · 02/10/2021 22:12

Should I stop contact is a very different question to what's better for the kids.

It's rarely a good idea to initiate a block on contact yourself because if it does go to court it tends to look bad. Also because to some men you stopping contact is like a red rag to a bull, it gives them a reason to take you to court and chase things, whereas otherwise they may well have become bored and just faded out of the child's life. Once you have a court order for contact things become quite difficult if they are unreliable because you're forced to keep making the children available for contact even if there's no chance he'll show up.

Objectively yeah it's probably better if they aren't around rather than constantly letting them down. But that's not the same thing as asking whether you should stop contact.

As OP has had legal advice saying she should that might be the best choice in her situation.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 02/10/2021 22:29

@BertieBotts

Should I stop contact is a very different question to what's better for the kids.

It's rarely a good idea to initiate a block on contact yourself because if it does go to court it tends to look bad. Also because to some men you stopping contact is like a red rag to a bull, it gives them a reason to take you to court and chase things, whereas otherwise they may well have become bored and just faded out of the child's life. Once you have a court order for contact things become quite difficult if they are unreliable because you're forced to keep making the children available for contact even if there's no chance he'll show up.

Objectively yeah it's probably better if they aren't around rather than constantly letting them down. But that's not the same thing as asking whether you should stop contact.

As OP has had legal advice saying she should that might be the best choice in her situation.

I’m not talking about stopping contact I’m talking about not allowing a dad to keep coming in and out and telling him he can’t have contact anymore due to past inconsistencies which if an absent father is better then surely that’s the right thing to do? Im talking about not giving someone repeat chances once a year when they pop up.
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 22:30

Thanks for all the replies. He's effectively stopped it himself, but I'm sure he'll get bored and decide it's time to mess us up again.
I won't be in touch with him now, I'll wait to see what happens and stop giving him headspace.
How any parent could be like this never fails to shock me no matter how common it seems.
Sorry to everyone dealing with similar or that has before. I had an absent father as well, can't believe I've ended up here with their dad

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 02/10/2021 22:37

Out completely. Mine was. He dropped back in for a few half-arsed months when I was in my late teens before I decided I wasn't interested.

I'm approaching 40 now and his Wife (the OW he left us for) died earlier in the year. I've heard through family that finally he's showing genuine remorse and regret about the choices he made when I was a kid but that ship has long since sailed for me. No amount of apologies would make me interested in a relationship with him.

So again, out completely is better than half-arsed, but it must be considered a permanent decision as there's no guarantee the kids will reach adulthood where the issue of difficult co-parenting relationships are removed and be interested in rekindling.