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Original poster

Bad dads

41 replies

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 10:07

I read something on another thread that made me think.
I confuse myself regularly without much help but I'm wondering, which is better?
A father that dips in and out of young children's lives when he feels like it or a father that isn't involved at all?
It's a general wondering that is relevant to my situation but I wonder if I'm trying for the wrong thing

OP posts:
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 02/10/2021 22:50

He lives basically In the next street as well. It makes me furious if I dwell on it.
Thanks for so many insights everyone

OP posts:
Colbinabbin · 02/10/2021 23:39

I see it that I want my kids to know their worth. Having their dad devalue them by not making them his priority and me asking them to accept that teaches my kids that when someone you love treats you like an option, you accept that.

My XH lack of contact and effort with the kids has been painful for them but they know their value and what they deserve in a relationship with anyone and especially those who are supposed to love them. If I had allowed him to come in and out of their lives when it suited him, what would my kids be learning about themselves?

I have made it very clear to them (teens) that the relationship breakdown is entirely on their dad; they have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with them that has made their dad choose this life.

My girls have also learned that it's not their job to go the emotional heavy lifting for their father.

ironman1401 · 02/10/2021 23:41

I was lucky. I'm in my 50s and been married for over 30 years to DW. My parents are still married, over 50 years. Stable upbringing, 2 sisters, no real issues. My wife was not so lucky. Very unstable childhood. Her mum was married twice. My wife hasn't seen her biological dad since she was 2 ( he was a bad card by all accounts. Cheated. Prison etc ). Her mum remarried when my wife was about 7. 2nd husband not much better ( ran off with next door neighbour when my wife was about 12, she had a sister by then who was about 2 ). 2nd husband did at least try to have some contact...... but very inconsistent. I met my wife when her sister was about 10. Dad would pick her up on a Friday night for weekend access...... or rather he would sometimes. 6pm she had to be ready with her bag packed for when dad picked her up. He'd moan if she wasn't ' ready '. I'd go round to pick my wife up for a date at 8 or 9....... and there would be her little sister still waiting for dad. It was a regular occurance and used to upset me. Her mum would try and keep the peace and make excuses. I knew he was a knobhead and said he'd never do that to us if we had kids. My wife and her sister no longer have contact with him ( he plays the ' poor me ' role now and doesn't understand why they won't speak to him ). You reap what you sow. Both of them have been damaged by his actions. Everybody deserves a second chance ......... and that's all they should get ! After that, no, had there chance.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/10/2021 23:44

No dad is better for the kids. They need to know they are valued by the people in their lives.
If dad is in and out they are more likely to think it’s because of something they have done wrong during contact. That’s why they get unsettled after contact IMHO.

CarelessSquid07A · 02/10/2021 23:57

I had no Dad and tbh would have given an arm and a leg to have known him at all.

I think it should be kept going until kids have their own capacity in their early teens to decide.

I appreciate it seems less up and down to not be let down constantly etc. But in my experience I still felt let down every birthday , Xmas, fathers days, the weekends that my friends spent with their Dad's etc regardless.

category12 · 03/10/2021 07:15

I think repeated rejections and hope are far worse than him being gone.

Crankyoldboiler · 03/10/2021 08:17

@CarelessSquid07A

I had no Dad and tbh would have given an arm and a leg to have known him at all.

I think it should be kept going until kids have their own capacity in their early teens to decide.

I appreciate it seems less up and down to not be let down constantly etc. But in my experience I still felt let down every birthday , Xmas, fathers days, the weekends that my friends spent with their Dad's etc regardless.

This chimes with my experience. My dad left when I was 18 months and there was no contact as my mother thought a clean break was best. He was a taboo subject in our house but I longed for just a birthday card. I grew up blaming myself for his leaving - common in small children I believe. Each situation is different and he sounds toxic but if you decide to cut him off, please explain to the children that it is not their fault, be prepared to talk about him whenever they ask and stress that he is missing out hugely by not being there.
itsraininghere · 03/10/2021 09:49

I also had a dip in and out dad for a while. It was difficult for me and my DBs, awful for my mum never knowing what to expect and then having to comfort us for his totally crappy behaviour.
All much relieved when he lost interest in us altogether.

Naunet · 03/10/2021 10:32

@iamtheoneandonlyyy

I read something on another thread that made me think. I confuse myself regularly without much help but I'm wondering, which is better? A father that dips in and out of young children's lives when he feels like it or a father that isn't involved at all? It's a general wondering that is relevant to my situation but I wonder if I'm trying for the wrong thing
From my own experience, I would say having a DP father drop in and out is worse. It leaves kids experiencing repeated rejection.
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 03/10/2021 13:35

I've had an age appropriate chat with my two oldest today. I made it clear that him being like this isn't their fault and that they are so cool we all really love them a lot.
I explained that I was going to not keep trying to arrange for daddy to see them and that it is up to him now. They were really fine with everything and said they think he's very silly because he doesn't get to play with them.
I'm not stopping contact I'm just not pursuing it, I'll leave it to see what happens now. He has a new baby coming soon, I expect he will suddenly miss them around the time he wants new happy family Facebook photos

OP posts:
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 03/10/2021 14:28

As if by psychic telepathy he's now trying to ring me. And so the head messing continues Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 19/10/2021 17:59

Reviving this.
I received an attempt at a polite letter from him today.
He explained that he will not pay over what Cms have stated (6.36 a week that he does not pay anyway.)
That he wants to restart contact as it was before, and that's the end of it.

Now. I was wondering what to do because it's our little boys birthday soon and I don't want to be the reason he doesn't see his dad or anything and I was going to offer the chance possibly to their dad to have them that weekend for a bit.
But then this arrogant, cocky letter came and what he wants can't happen anyway, things have moved on and my work commitments don't fit the old routine.
He wants this because new baby is due and he will want family pics together for his social mediaHmm
I'm unsure what to do re the birthday. I want what's best for my son, he will want to see him. I'm afraid for the aftermath of them then being ditched again. But I don't want to become the bad guy in this, I've been near on a bloody saint up to now

OP posts:
StrawberryDumpling · 19/10/2021 18:18

It's sad that there are so many children out here with deadbeat dads.
I had an in and out dad and it has scarred me for life. I will never forget the day I was about 7-8 and I sat outside my nan's house for 6 hours waiting for him, he never turned up again until I was 15 with my now little sister in his arms expecting me to be happy, I wasn't!

My own dc have a dad very similar, always in and out of their lives. I put a complete stop to contact 3 years ago as my dc were all over the place emotionally, one minute fine the next bursting into tears and really bad behaviour when he didn't turn up.
He didn't see them for 2 years and has only started having contact with them since March this year, because as you have said OP he has a new child and wants the beautiful family pictures to post on social media, but when my dc actually ask to spend time with him or see him he's too busy as in his own words " I have other kids" Angry as of last week I made the decision to again not continue with contact unless he puts in the effort and as we had an argument I can guarantee it will be at least another month or two before he decides to pick up the phone again.

bettycat81 · 19/10/2021 18:30

Could you offer a very reduced schedule for contact? Once when my ex had gone mia for several months and wanted to come back I offered one visit for every school holiday, he stuck to that and we built up from there. As I've said before he's not very consistent but it's not as noticable.

Mandofan · 19/10/2021 18:38

My father is useless. He used to dip in and out and i hated it. Haven’t had contact for years and I prefer it. Obviously it sucks to have a rubbish dad but life is better without him

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 19/10/2021 19:51

Thanks for the replies. I'm sorry to everyone that's gone through this themselves Thanks I also did as a child.
I was thinking that about offering reduced and then I realised it will be the umpteenth time if i do.
I've said all that can be said and I always fold for the kids sake, he knows I will and manipulates it.
He's being polite now so if I refuse I look like the monster.

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