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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loneliness is breaking my heart

49 replies

temperanceb · 01/10/2021 21:33

My therapist says that I can't expect to find someone unless I am happy with myself. I understand that logically and I try to be positive and remind myself of the good relationships I have with my friends. I think I have good qualities in myself too.

She says my negative self talk is making me think I've tried harder with OLD when I needed to put more effort in, but I can't keep on doing this. I was supposed to be going on a date tonight but he stood me up. I'm going to be 30, I've never even held hands with a man let alone anything else and I'm sitting here crying because I can't take any more of this.

I wish I could just give up and not want someone else, but I'm so lonely and I can't stop crying. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

OP posts:
WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 01/10/2021 21:34

Get a new therapist. Yikes.

Old is shit everyone recommends it but I can’t do it anymore. Depressing I feel your pain and posted similar the other night. You are not alone.

bellaweir · 01/10/2021 21:37

You need good friends, lots of good nights in and out and a therapist that encourages you to love yourself first. 30 IS NOT old

Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 21:46

@bellaweir

You need good friends, lots of good nights in and out and a therapist that encourages you to love yourself first. 30 IS NOT old
Yes this you need friends to have fun with not a partner . That will come in time ! You are 30 , you are young , you have your whole life to find someone. Please dont panic or be upset! Join a club , gym, tinder to find friends and start there
Original poster
temperanceb · 01/10/2021 21:48

It's been ten years since I first recognised myself as being 'single'. I feel very old.

It's just getting too hard to believe in loving myself when I've been ghosted and stood up at every opportunity.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 01/10/2021 21:51

There is nothing wrong with you, sadly there are lots of people who feel as you do.

All you can do is keep going. Are you in a job you enjoy? If not, is that something you can change? If there hobbies or voluntary opportunities you’d be interested in, throw yourself into them. The goal is to fill up your life with things that make you feel good, or at least give you less time to feel lonely. A relationship will come when it comes, finding one doesn’t have to be your focus.

Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 21:56

I feel for you honestly but you aren't on your own.

I promise you that 30 is young and you might not feel it but you are and time is truly on your side.

Loving yourself doesn't happen overnight and I think people go through stages in their life when they do live themselves and then there are periods where they don't love themselves

Could you push yourself to put yourself out there and do a little goal every week like one week join a club the next week actually go to it the third week say hi to 3 people etc and develop some friendships that's way. ? A life partner will be a step a bit further down the line ?

Have you had a chat with your GP, perhaps lockdown has made things feel worse and just double check there's not an anxiety issue or anything going on ?

Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 21:57

Also apparently a pet helps with the feelings your expressing

Original poster
temperanceb · 01/10/2021 21:58

I love my job. It's the best thing in my life, but when I throw myself into it, I don't want to date and the shifts don't accommodate hobbies.

The gym isn't the best place for me. I have an eating disorder and I'm recovering from Covid.

I have friends at work, from uni, and from school, but over the last two years, everyone seems to have stopped socialising and settled down.

OP posts:
Original poster
temperanceb · 01/10/2021 22:00

The therapist was supposed to help with the anxiety....

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 01/10/2021 22:03

Sorry you are having such a hard time

I think life goes i on cycles and when your friends all settle down and move on it's a sign that you are moving on aswel and new chapter is starting

anthurium · 01/10/2021 22:08

Are your friends available? I have found being single that most friends tend to spend 'prime' weekend/bank holidays time with their partners/children/other family, and basically forget about me; this has certainly been the case in my 30s.

I too was feeling lonely and no amount of activities will plug the gap of just being with someone and doing nothing with them. It was/still is shit in some respects. I've decided to pursue solo parenting as I want a family/a loving, long lasting relationship, and something meaningful to care about (I'm late 30s Op). I don't know what the answer is but for me endless solo activities just weren't working (including endless bingeing on Netflix and similar which just made me feel worse,depressed and isolated).

I think what you'd like is to be someone's priority? If that's the case, you're not being unreasonable. Have you got family nearby, or can you talk to them regularly? This helped me the most, feeling validated by the people I care most about and vice versa.

No good advice re dating, especially OLD. The whole experience left me feeling even more dreadful. I'm sorry to hear you're in this position Flowers

NewtoHolland · 01/10/2021 22:13

You could try out a bit of practice of Self compassion there A loads of workbooks on it online or bookshops. xx

Original poster
temperanceb · 01/10/2021 22:17

anthurium, everything you said is right. It takes so long to find a date that works for my friends and naturally I'm not their priority- if the baby is sick or work comes up etc that comes first.

Yes. To be someone else's priority and to have someone else with me. It must be so lovely.

I really struggle to talk about my feelings- again, the therapist was supposed to help but she really makes me feel like crap.

I really wish you the best in your parenting journey. Thank you.

OP posts:
anthurium · 01/10/2021 22:21

*I also found making new friendships really difficult in my 30s. Not sure why this is ...I think in my case the attempt to make new friends just didn't need materialise - the people didn't need anymore new friends - they didn't have the time/energy/inclination to invest in me - their friends quota was already filled by childhood friendships/uni friends - I've been in my current city 4 years. I personally didn't bother with groups/meet ups, it's good that have a mixture of friends from different eras of your life... It takes a long time to develop meaningful and secure friendships

NailsNeedDoing · 01/10/2021 22:48

Get rid of the therapist, or find a different therapist. If this one isn’t working for you, don’t carry on. There are so many different types of therapy, it’s not unusual to have to try more than once.

Lana07 · 01/10/2021 23:31

I like life coaching more because it's much more proactive when achieving any positive life goals.

SleepingBunnies21 · 02/10/2021 09:48

Old is s shit show of flakes, cheaters, weirdos etc.

You need the hide of a rhino and a blanket sense of humour than Ricky Gervais to deal with it.

People often take breaks from it too, for the mental health. I know I had to.

It should only be one strand of your dating strategy, you bede to think about what sort of person you'd you'd to meet and frequent places they'd frequent- hobbies, sports, groups etc etc.

Original poster
temperanceb · 03/10/2021 08:42

It’s the only place I ever get interest though. No one has ever even started chatting to me at the gym or anywhere else.

I just want to meet someone so badly. I’m so tired of being lonely.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/10/2021 08:52

Aww i want to give you a hug. Do you know what maybe you need to give up trying and just start to enjoy yourself. Find things that you really enjoy doing. Meet new friends as you really do meet people through people. The gym is not the place to do this.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/10/2021 08:54

What are your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing?

Original poster
temperanceb · 03/10/2021 09:00

I like going to the library and to museums. If I’m off work I like to go for coffee and sit for a while. I do also like the gym but it’s not good for me.

All my friendships are great now but took me a long time to form, which is worrying me because if that was friendships, surely anything remotely more than that will take even longer.

I feel like the most invisible person.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 03/10/2021 09:22

You sound a lovely person. OLD is awful, and bear in mind if you've been stood up it will presumably be by people who've never met you, so it doesn't reflect on you, or even their perception of you.
I am old, and remember the days when people met potential boyfriends via other people - friends of friends, parties etc. It must be very hard trying to do it without there being any filter. There are agencies which match you with similarly minded people, might it be worth trying one of those? Or there's a thing called MeetUp, which is more about socialising than dating. If you like libraries and museums, are you going to events put on by them? Are you volunteering? I think you need to meet people in person. I know it's hard once you are past mid-20's, people tend to meet in existing groups, so hanging with your old friends means that you are not being introduced to anyone new, and the social events tend to be more in someone's house.
I've every sympathy, my own DS is finding it very hard to get out there.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/10/2021 09:37

i think your 20's and the first few years of your 30's are a really difficult time for some - insecure, not sure where you are going and so on.
Having been where you are and then settled for two useless men out of desperation (divorced both of them) I have finally realised at 60 that it is very wrong to view men as a white knight to happiness, they aren't.
If anything they are the exact opposite if they are not right.
The most important things in life are to make good friends, work on a career, make a lovely home and make your own dreams and ambitions come true.
Only then when you are secure about yourself will you have any possibility of a decent relationship that is not toxic.
I'm back on my own at 60 and loving it, I have my own home, DS, friends and social life and really feel I don't need a man to complete me. I didn't feel like that at your age though.
Please don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship - work at happiness and you have a far better chance of meeting someone right for you.

DameMaureen · 03/10/2021 09:41

You definitely need a new therapist .