Loneliness is breaking my heart

[temperanceb]

My therapist says that I can't expect to find someone unless I am happy with myself. I understand that logically and I try to be positive and remind myself of the good relationships I have with my friends. I think I have good qualities in myself too.

She says my negative self talk is making me think I've tried harder with OLD when I needed to put more effort in, but I can't keep on doing this. I was supposed to be going on a date tonight but he stood me up. I'm going to be 30, I've never even held hands with a man let alone anything else and I'm sitting here crying because I can't take any more of this.

I wish I could just give up and not want someone else, but I'm so lonely and I can't stop crying. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

My therapist says that I can't expect to find someone unless I am happy with myself.

That is, generally speaking, true.

She says my negative self talk is making me think I've tried harder with OLD when I needed to put more effort in

That may or may not be true but is MASSIVELY unhelpful. If you are negative it is her role to help you switch your thinking - not to criticise you.

Have a look at this;

arfamiliesfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Cognitive-Distortions.pdf

And this;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

What is your living situation - do you live alone?

Can I be honest?

If I met a man who was desperate for a relationship, needy, lonely, anxious and in therapy, I would run a mile. Too much baggage and too much hard work. I want a man who is happy with himself and his life.

So I suspect the opposite is true for you.

I know I should harsh and I'm sorry because I entered my 30s single and it can be shit.

Im certainly no expert and I have never done OLD but this is what I would do.

You say you love your job. So throw yourself into it, get the promotions, the opportunities to do different projects or whatever it is you do. Don't put less effort into your job because it will hamper your OLD. Doing something you enjoy will enhance your life and make you more vibrant and attractive not only to men but to everyone you know.

Take up an activity/hobby. You say the gym is a no go but how about a walking group or ramblers or cycling. A friend of mine does mountain biking and her last 3 serious relationships have been with men she met there. Do something you enjoy not just with men in mind. I suspect ramblers will be older people but it honestly doesnt matter. Just something to get out the house and exercise for you, not just something to meet men.

Ditch the therapist. It encourages self absorption and anxiety IME.

Work on your eating disorder. Eat plenty of healthy food. I find I feel tonnes better if my diet is healthy. I'm not talking about calorie restriction or weight loss here or weird MN style fads. Just eating decent meals, lots of fresh veg, plenty of water etc.

Don't allow yourself to wallow in self pity. If you feel at a loss, put your headphones on and go for a walk. Go swimming. Visit a local attraction. Go to the cinema. Anything, to get you out of yourself.

I really try to do all of those things, apart from hillwalking because I wouldn’t enjoy one moment of that

I may be a lonely anxious disaster in therapy but I’m not needy! I live alone and I do everything I need by myself.

My sister is your age. This is dating life in 2021 and it absolutely blows. The problem is not you. Go do things you love - travel, join a walking or climbing or cycling group, trust.

I wish I had - I wasted years worrying in turn. I was so frightened and reconciled to life alone. Met my husband volunteering at 37, was married within two years and now have three kids. But I am still sad about all those years over-thinking it.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky - Thanks for writing exactly what I wanted to say: about being sixty, settled for a partner and find myself back single following divorce.

In my case the feeling ‘I’d settled for someone’, (and I have a niggling feeling he thought the same about me) haunted me throughout the marriage. I can’t tell you many shades of wrong that is. My STBXH has his challenges just as I have mine, but for me it was the wrong mindset to face the challenges of a marriage.

I feel a strong need to be able to share stuff with someone but I also know this to be a red herring. I know that I am talking as someone who had it ‘all’. Strangely the ‘all’ wasn’t enough. It is the relationship with myself that is key. I am working on that now.

I want to thank you OP, your post has rationalised how I feel now. I hope our posts give you food for thought.

I am like you in that my social activities are quiet and individual. I have found ways of making them more interesting and sociable. I think that I have shifted my focus to meeting people who stimulate me, and I reciprocate with my enthusiasm for the subject.

I wonder if I have misinterpreted having a date for being stimulated.

Just my thoughts. Hope it helps.

@temperanceb

I really try to do all of those things, apart from hillwalking because I wouldn’t enjoy one moment of that

I may be a lonely anxious disaster in therapy but I’m not needy! I live alone and I do everything I need by myself.

I wish you all the best OP. The advice I've given is what I wish I could've told myself. I wasted years on crap men and being unhappy because I wasn't with the man of my dreams who never turned up. I was desperate to meet someone and have had 2 shit marriages, partly because desperation attracts losers and abusers. I have my kids and am with a decent man now (I'm 50) but it leaves it's toll and life is never without problems even if you have a good relat. Just enjoy your life, if you meet someone great, but if not, also great.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Can I be honest?

If I met a man who was desperate for a relationship, needy, lonely, anxious and in therapy, I would run a mile. Too much baggage and too much hard work. I want a man who is happy with himself and his life.

So I suspect the opposite is true for you.

I know I should harsh and I'm sorry because I entered my 30s single and it can be shit.

Im certainly no expert and I have never done OLD but this is what I would do.

You say you love your job. So throw yourself into it, get the promotions, the opportunities to do different projects or whatever it is you do. Don't put less effort into your job because it will hamper your OLD. Doing something you enjoy will enhance your life and make you more vibrant and attractive not only to men but to everyone you know.

Take up an activity/hobby. You say the gym is a no go but how about a walking group or ramblers or cycling. A friend of mine does mountain biking and her last 3 serious relationships have been with men she met there. Do something you enjoy not just with men in mind. I suspect ramblers will be older people but it honestly doesnt matter. Just something to get out the house and exercise for you, not just something to meet men.

Ditch the therapist. It encourages self absorption and anxiety IME.

Work on your eating disorder. Eat plenty of healthy food. I find I feel tonnes better if my diet is healthy. I'm not talking about calorie restriction or weight loss here or weird MN style fads. Just eating decent meals, lots of fresh veg, plenty of water etc.

Don't allow yourself to wallow in self pity. If you feel at a loss, put your headphones on and go for a walk. Go swimming. Visit a local attraction. Go to the cinema. Anything, to get you out of yourself.

It's all well and good to be 'happy with your life' when you're surrounded by family and friends at a drop of a hat... People aren't desperate for a relationship I think, they are 'desperate' for a meaningful connection. A job promotion, a walk in the hills won't give you that, it just won't. And there's only so many times you can do this on the weekends before you lose the motivation to bother. My answer to this problem was to embark on solo parenting (single mother by choice via a sperm donor). I want a family/long life connection/meaning not more 'activities or hobbies'. It might be extreme but we all have limits to how alone we want to be (with no family/friends nearby) and I'm also someone who is fairly independent in other areas of life.

You mention that "No one has ever even started chatting to me at the gym or anywhere else."

How often do you start a conversation with someone else? Or make eye contact and smile? I'm not talking about trying to pick someone up, just making connections and expanding your social circle.

How about going to places you can meet men naturally.Volunteering,part time bar work,restaurant/cafe/bistros etc.I know you work,but even one day or evening try working in another place?

Personally I'd give OLD a miss for a while. Try joining some local clubs instead. Mixed book, hiking, arts clubs. Meetup is a good place to start and don't go along expecting to meet your future husband, just go along expecting to do something you enjoy with a group of like minded people.

I think when people say they want a relationship it can come across as ANY relationship will do. This can make others feel that you're not valuing them as individuals but only what they can give you.

You visit museums and libraries but they can be very solo experiences. You need to look at group based hobbies and events - they can still be around your interests.

You also need to don some armour and sometimes initiate contact - smile, eye contact - so you look open and friendly to approach. The 'fake it til you make it' adage in confidence building works well for many people!

Just enjoy your life, if you meet someone great, but if not, also great

This is what is puzzling me. I want someone to be there on a Sunday morning when I wake up. I don’t not enjoy my life as it is, I do what suits me and it’s fine, but I don’t think great is going to come with being single for another 30 years.

I’m not very good at talking to people I don’t know.

@temperanceb

It’s the only place I ever get interest though. No one has ever even started chatting to me at the gym or anywhere else.

I just want to meet someone so badly. I’m so tired of being lonely.

Do you make the first move to chat to people?

What the fuck is wrong with me

The fact that you think there's something wrong with you.

Hi OP, I read your post and had to respond you 💐you sound like a lovely sensitive person !
30 isn’t old at all, the issue is that all your friends have coupled up and their lives are moving on and that’s the lonely bit for you - but your situation isn’t as uncommon as you think!... I didn’t meet my DH until I was 30, now I’ve got two kids and glad I had all those years in my twenties of being single and having freedom to do what I liked, travelling, hobbies and career but I do also remember that feeling of wanting to share my life with someone.
I’ve had friends who have met their OH online, but most people meet their partners at work ( and sack the gym if you don’t enjoy it for yourself, it’s not a great place to meet anyone )... do hobbies that you like, expand your career to do new things and meet new people.. it will happen xxx

What is your work that has shifts and means you don't have time to do stuff.
Can you change your work to a different environment where there are men? Can you do fewer shifts.
Biking, pubs, art groups? some have men, photography - that's a good one, and you def don't have to be good,.
I found (though I wasn't looking for a partner more just friends) that once you found one art group, people talked about all the other art stuff going on, ditto with music and choirs. Imagine going to choir practice then retiring to the pub after - perfect place to meet someone (true many more women than men but still). Def try walking groups. Bird watching.
I think you have to join some things whcih will hopefully lead to more.

I’m not very good at talking to people I don’t know.

So this is an area you've identified as one that needs a little effort. If you want to go balls out, you could try a public speaking course to push you out of your comfort zone.

In everyday life start by making eye contact and smiling at everyone you come into contact with and then build up by commenting on the weather, the surroundings, the food you're eating or the book you're reading. Many people love to chat once they're given the opportunity!

What is your work that has shifts and means you don't have time to do stuff. Can you change your work to a different environment where there are men?

NHS. I do meet some men, but they tend to be much older or married already. I love my job and I would hate to give it up.

Do you make the first move to chat to people?
Online? Yes. I prefer Bumble to Tinder. In real life... no, not really, but I didn't think other people did that either.

commenting on the weather, the surroundings, the food you're eating or the book you're reading

With strangers?!

Could I ask what sort of therapy you're having?
Has the therapist said whether you're suffering from social anxiety?
Do you feel anxious when you're talking to men?

CBT. She thinks I have social anxiety, yes.

If the conversation gets going I’m fine. Before and after social events I do struggle, it’s not specific to men though.

@temperanceb

commenting on the weather, the surroundings, the food you're eating or the book you're reading

With strangers?!

Gosh - yes!! It's what people did before the internet

Practise making conversation with people you interact with in ordinary life - shop assistant, co worker, fellow shopper, museum visitor etc. I'm not great at speaking to strangers unless I feel there is an established connection (eg a meeting where I meet other people in my line of work etc) But I try to do so periodically and find it makes me feel more confident. Most people respond positively and if they don't, well they're not important to your life. Don't think about meeting a man yet, build your social confidence first.

I saw a dating programme once where the coach made people do this, and later, ask someone for a date.

I agree with your therapist that you do need to be happy in yourself, or at least to feel positive you have something to offer, before you can expect someone to like you.

I don't think the therapist is the right one though, if they are not building you up. Could you find someone to specifically work on social anxiety rather than exploring your feelings? Lots of people are socially anxious, but there are tactics you can learn.

@temperanceb

CBT. She thinks I have social anxiety, yes.

If the conversation gets going I’m fine. Before and after social events I do struggle, it’s not specific to men though.

I do think there's an issue here. You don't have to have a conversation with anybody unless it's easy. I mean, for work, yes, but you're fine at work, aren't you. I'm talking about 'for advancing your social life'.

One of the ways to choose potential friends is 'Oh my god, she sat down next to me and suddenly we were putting the world to rights as if we'd known each other for years!' You don't have to take ages 'trying to make conversation' with people you click with; that's what 'clicking' is; all that stuff happens easily, on its own.

The trick is to put yourself deliberately in places where there are people who have something in common with you. What do you like to do? What interests you? What floats your boat?

To elaborate on what I said earlier:

What the fuck is wrong with me

Thinking that there's something wrong with you means that your emotional self (unsettled) gets to spend 24/7 with somebody who thinks there's something wrong with her (your mental self) How do you think that's going to make your emotional self feel? Do you think that being told all day every day 'There must be something wrong with you' is something that would soothe a person's anxiety?

It's not relationships with other people you need to sort out, it's this 'I'm faulty' assumption. 'There's something wrong with you' is a fantastically disrespectful thing to say, and that's where you're at. It's not a lack of self respect, it's worse: it's active self-disrespect. How mean is 'There's something wrong with you'?

If this is seeming relevant for you, I've got a few ideas on how you can turn it around. I hope so. I've been where you are, and it's really really solvable! I thought it would take years and it really didn't. There's tons of hope