Does my husband even want to be with me

[Oliviyax]

Hi everyone so some advice needed. I left home with 3 LO about a week ago due to me and husband arguing over things that simply wont resolve mostly due to lack of effort on his behalf

Everyday since ive not heard from him except today i decided to ask what he wants from our marriage, i called him once before this actually few days ago and he told me his busy and that he will call me later, he didn't. So today i called once more to ask and his answers were a bit like "i dont know" "i need to think what i want to do" "im busy" "well speak later" "talk about it soon" "i cant be bothered with the arguments" im actually so pissed of and crying because i dont know what he wants from this. I understand things need to change but both need to put effort im willing to as long as he wants to aswell but he keeps giving me mixed answers..

If a man said that to you what would you think or do.. Is it over, should i give him head space, shouldn't he already know what he wants if he wanted me in his life, could there be another women

I JUST DONT KNOW what to think anymore IM HEADDDD F***🙁

Sorry for the long essay pls help xx

Btw i left to stay with my cousin for a few nights so we both dont bicker and give eachother some space and myself some space to.

I’d assume that he’s quite enjoying the space you’ve given him and isn’t in a hurry to have you back. You’ve said that you’ve been arguing for a long time because there are issues in the relationship which you don’t think he’s putting any effort into sorting out - so he clearly hasn’t been very bothered about saving the relationship for a long time and doesn’t appear to have changed that stance now you’ve left. It sounds miserable for both of you, and your children. I think the best thing you can do is stop waiting for him to make all the decisions about whether the relationship continues and tell him you want to separate.

I don't think he's giving you mixed messages. I think he's saying loud & clear he's not interested.

Why are you jumping through hoops trying to find out what he wants? Who fucking cares what he wants? It's what you want that matters. He clearly can't be arsed about your marriage at all, so pick yourself up and move forward without the twat.

OP you say you don’t know what he wants - what about what YOU want? I agree with what @ComtesseDeSpair said. He’s leaving you in limbo with 3 LOs and it doesn’t sound like he is asking how they are either. This is no way to live. 💐

Based on those replies I would guess he’s checked out of the relationship, sorry.

I know he also kept on saying i got to go like some dog is after him. I dont know what hes playing at. Asking myself i do beliveve separation is best but im so worried about everything and the future. I wanted a family life for my kids so badly i feel like i failed everyone. Why couldn't he be straight up.

I also feel bad for him because i know he will loose grip of life. I just care so much even though im literally dead with it inside

You need to stop thinking with your emotions and start to think of security and consistency for your kids. This relationship is over so either you go home and he moves out or you sort out a permanent home rather than trying to make a point and get him to engage with you.

He's not going to give you what you're looking for, it's time to stop the games.

It’s time to worry about yourself and your children, not him. Your DC will be much happier with two parents who live apart and aren’t constantly bickering. You can have a family life without him and it will be much more enjoyable, I imagine, than all the miserable days out and episodes of family time I expect you’ve had where it’s been spoiled with arguments or him checking out.

He won’t lose his grip - he’s managed perfectly all week without you and he’ll pick himself up and carry on just like everybody does when their relationship ends, however much they of others thought it would destroy them.

I don't know why you're worring about him. He's a grown man and doesn't seem to mind at all that you are living apart, or want to have any discussions about making it work. He is showing you that it's over for him.

And how much time do you think he's spending worrying about you? It sounds like none at all. He couldn't even be bothered to talk when you called him. He hasn't asked after his children. He hasn't tried to contact you.

So stop worrying about him. He's doing plenty of that for the both of you.

You worry about you, and your DC, and do what's best for you.

And that seems to be getting some legal advice, gathering support around you, and making plans to split. You will be much happier without him.

You deserve better.

When I've asked he keeps saying talk about home later but never gets around to talking about living arrangements @gamerchick yes your right..

He keeps telling me hes doing everything for us. What's the point once we leave he will be nothing. Yet making no effort, instead letting us slip away @ComtesseDeSpair

So sorry you are going through this. He has checked out of the marriage. Stop all contact with him unless it’s about the children. Do not ask him anything more about your relationship, he’s done with it and moving on now. You must gather your self esteem and look after yourself, think only of yourself and the children. Finally, lawyer up.

Thank you i feel like its the right thing to do.. Leave him at it. I know ive tried my very best even though i wasn't even at fault. I tried to see if we could make our family work out @litterbird

If he later contacts regarding us what should i tell him, if he ever does. Just to ignore it? How do we discuss childcare.. Or let him ask me when he wants them?

You must be in control. You tell him when he can see the children at your convenience. As it’s seems you are the only one asking about the future of the relationship I doubt he will want to discuss it openly now with you. The relationship is over so the only thing to discuss is terms of the separation, finances and contact with the children. Your lawyer will help with all of that. Your job is to stop worrying about him but think only of yourself and your children.

Aww love I'm sorry this must be hard.

You were trying to impliment the putting your foot down dance and thought he would miss you.

Why he doesn't miss you I couldn't say, maybe yes he's fed up the arguments, yes he's having a relaxing time without the kids or maybe someone has turned his head. Speculation.

What we do know is that you have had the inconvinience of you moving out with 3 small children.
You must be exhausted.

This will be the blue print of future conflict if you stay together.
You get annoyed wan't more (love/time/affection/help) insert what you want and he will force your hand withdraw affection and you will be willing to put up with any future selfish behaviour he wants to bestow on you.

Or, you could get your buisness woman head on, put aside your emotional pain he is currently putting you through and go and see a solicitor (free half an hour).
Move the children and yourself back in the marital home and tell him, "it sounds as though you have checked out of the relationship and you think a divorce is the best way forward."

From there you can get child maintenance sorted and shared childcare between you.
He needs reminding he is a father and has responsibilities, don't let him get away with this holiday.

Thank you everyone today has been very hard my emotions are all over thr place right now. Just so difficult i thought i was fine but tonight has been horrible. Yes he didn't bother to call me like he said which broke me further, what did i expect. I told him i want out. How can you say you love someone and then abandon your family. Makes no sense to me.

He didn't make any effort when he was with you - and he isn't making any effort now. Surely that tells you that he just isn't interested.

I also feel bad for him because i know he will loose grip of life. I just care so much Sorry but I think you are kidding yourself, OP. He isn't losing his grip on life, he seems pretty OK with being on his own and not having to bother making any effort. I'd say he is quite happy with being on a nice little holiday. He can't even be bothered to phone you when he said he would . He isn't losing his grip on life, he is just too uninterested to care.

Leaving didn't have the effect you thought it would and I think that says it all. Disengage from the game playing and look after you and your children.
Make plans and implement them. Realise that when he does contact you, most likely it will be because he's had his 'fun' an is ready to knuckle down again.
Be strong and make sure that whatever you do is right for you and your children. All the best!

I know your upset op, this is exactly what he wanted, he wants you pining for him and he wants to reject you so he can control you better.

I actually think its a ploy to get you back in line.
There are so many variables and tactics that controlling men use that its impossible to know why he's doing this.

The only thing you can do is control how you respond to his behaviour.
So hard when someone pulls the plug with love and affection but you have to act tough now.

Splitting assets, dividing wealth,halving childcare and setting up child maintenance these things are your right when a marriage breaks up, think financially, harden up because he sure isn't showing his softer side with you is he.

He's being a twat.
You deserve better, you sound a lovely woman.

See a lawyer, and get your divorce in motion. Contact CMS and get your maintenance sorted.

Do you own your house or is it rented? If you own it, send your husband an email saying you would like your share of the equity, and would he prefer to buy you out or should the house be sold? If you rent, can you tell the landlord you have moved out and get your name off the tenancy. You may need to put in a claim for Universal Credit, again, it takes ages, so do it sooner rather than later.

Focusing on the practical things that need doing makes it easier, honestly.

Get busy with the practicalities, less room for all the emotions. You can deal with those later when you’re settled. Don’t give him any head room, only focus on the children and your needs. Crack on!

Sorry you’re going through this. It does sound like he’s not keen to be together.

Whose name is the house in.
Bought or rented.
Are you married.
Do you have shared things to split between you. (Family car, family tv, washing machine etc).
Who is the resident parent.

Lots of things you need to think about. You will have to sit down and talk about this stuff. And presumably one of you will need to find a new pad.

If you’re on the mortgage, you need to get back in the house and either discuss selling and splitting the equity or you staying there if your relationship is over.

I'm sorry hon it sounds like he's checked out of the marriage and is probably loving having the house to himself. God knows what he's up to that he's too busy to discuss your family. Focus on yourself and your kids. Get them back home, if your husband wants to leave then he can. Start thinking with your head and protect the kids, husband is a grown man and will take care of himself trust me you don't need to consider his wishes just your own. Obviously get financials sorted asap xx