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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does my husband even want to be with me

50 replies

Oliviyax · 01/10/2021 19:30

Hi everyone so some advice needed. I left home with 3 LO about a week ago due to me and husband arguing over things that simply wont resolve mostly due to lack of effort on his behalf

Everyday since ive not heard from him except today i decided to ask what he wants from our marriage, i called him once before this actually few days ago and he told me his busy and that he will call me later, he didn't. So today i called once more to ask and his answers were a bit like "i dont know" "i need to think what i want to do" "im busy" "well speak later" "talk about it soon" "i cant be bothered with the arguments" im actually so pissed of and crying because i dont know what he wants from this. I understand things need to change but both need to put effort im willing to as long as he wants to aswell but he keeps giving me mixed answers..

If a man said that to you what would you think or do.. Is it over, should i give him head space, shouldn't he already know what he wants if he wanted me in his life, could there be another women

I JUST DONT KNOW what to think anymore IM HEADDDD F***🙁

Sorry for the long essay pls help xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 00:25

I went to see him and ask in person how we will sort the separatiom, kids home etc. It got a bit annoying and he said i should have even bothered to come.

Didn't hear from him not even an apology for being rude for me making that effort. So i called to tell him i will need the house sorted n he should leave so im able to come back. He said he wanted to apologise all day but was busy with work. Told me hes tired and wants to speak things tommorrow, he does love us just things are getting in the way, he's stressed with work, debt etc

Should i even buy his apology, im now confused with my feelings.
Told me how he should have tried communicating. Is he playing games again or i should see if he wants to fix things

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Geppili · 04/10/2021 00:34

"I know he also kept on saying i got to go like some dog is after him." If any man compared me/my behaviour to a dog, that would be it. He sounds lazy and manipulative and that he is enjoying life without you. Leave. You will thrive without him. He is a deadweight.

DameMaureen · 04/10/2021 00:42

He's very casual about all of this . Do you have a history of doing this ? Sadly in your mind you are still thinking that he cannot survive without you, will go to pieces etc - he won't . Stop thinking about him - reclaim your home and get him to move out .

Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 02:08

I left once before yes for a week, he only bothered after a few days apart. This time its been 2 weeks but he knows ive been serious as ive been trying to sort all things with separation. He just kept shutting me off that his busy. I called today as i wanted to make it aware he must understand i tried and to be clear with the house situation @DameMaureen

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Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 02:12

My mind does feel very messed up. Ive been getting caught with my emotions and its silly i keep trying to save my marriage in a way. I also questioned why we are not a priority to him as he keeps telling me his working for our future together so he needs to be focused, i mean what future if im telling him your loosing us. I dont know if hes taking me as a joke

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twoandeights · 04/10/2021 04:43

He just doesn’t seem that bothered does he? Move back in. With 3 kids he should have been the one to go. Get your house back.

Cascascascas · 04/10/2021 04:50

@Oliviyax

He can’t talk as he does not know how to express himself
He will find it hard to talk freely in case he looses you

The trick is to find a safe way for him to talk.
That’s the first space and step.

Seafog · 04/10/2021 04:51

Is he the father of the children? Is it your house, his house, or one you moved into together?
I'm sorry he is being so crap, he is clearly not trying, and won't.

Longdistance · 04/10/2021 05:08

He’s so flakey, he’s not bothered about the marriage or the dc. He doesn’t need or want a rocket up his arse.
I’d move back in and he can ship out. Get an appointment with a solicitor ASAP and get that ball rolling.

Whydidimarryhim · 04/10/2021 05:42

Get back in the house and get him out if you can. He’s only saying the right things when he’s at risk of having to leave.
Don’t feel sorry for him or pity him.
If he wants help and the marriage to work - then you can go for couples counselling whilst you live apart.
Focus on yourself and your children.

myheartskippedabeat · 04/10/2021 06:50

@tobedtoMNandfart

I don't think he's giving you mixed messages. I think he's saying loud & clear he's not interested.

I agree

Get some legal advice and move things forward but leaving the marital home is never a good idea I'd be going back there saying the children need a routine and getting him to stay somewhere else

ButterflyAway · 04/10/2021 06:53

He’s not confused, he doesn’t need thinking space, he’s just a coward who refuses to be the bad guy and end it.

Tiredofbs123 · 04/10/2021 07:18

What a man-child. I’ve seen so many of these recently irl it’s untrue.

His treatment of his own children is unforgivable. This alone is enough to tell me he’s an absolute waste of space. Your poor babies.

You really need to put on your bad arse head. Legal advice and take control of the house. I note that when you start to say he needs to move, suddenly he switches game. He doesn’t want to be inconvenienced in any way!

I predict he’ll start pulling the depression card out the bag, it’s so predictable and a pattern I’m seeing a lot.

Please just put you and the kids at the centre of your decision making. Stop trying to second guess what he’s up to and thinking and just concentrate on your little tribe. Imho the way he’s behaved is a real indicator to who he truly is a selfish entitled immature idiot. He needs to grow up and unfortunately I don’t see that happening any time soon.

KatySun · 04/10/2021 07:19

What are the practicalities here? Is he working all the hours God sends? Do you work? The only way I would be slightly giving him the benefit of the doubt is if he the only/main breadwinner working long hours and basically has got into the position of seeing his role as providing financially and feeling under pressure there.

I agree that you and the DC should move back home. Leaving did not work in getting him to respond; all that has happened is that the kids lives are disrupted and he has peace and quiet! You are getting less help and attention.

As posters upthread said, you need to decide what you want to do here and what is important to you. If you want to separate, then work through the practicalities. If you want to stay together, then insist that he attends couples counselling and makes time for this.

I am a single parent and have been for many years. On one hand, it is easier because you know that you are the person who is doing it all, rather than expecting anyone else to step up and being disappointed. On the other hand, you are the person doing it all and that weighs you down after a while.

MydogWillow · 04/10/2021 07:40

@Oliviyax is there possibly another woman?

All the excuses sounds like he's perhaps working out options?

Either that or he feels you are nagging and pestering and can't be done with you.

You need to grab this and take control.

Rather than ringing him sporadically, arrange a proper day and time to discuss where your future is. You both need to sit down like adults and work out arrangements asap.

Regardless of what the situation is, he needs to leave, not you. Your DC's need their home.

Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 13:40

I did ask he kept laughing saying why would i even ask that. He swore on his life he said i dont even have timr for myself let alone another women.

Well that's what i did do but it ended up in a argument again. We cant seem to meet halfway he keeps coming up with i dont know what i want as we argue over petty things.

Its like a never ending cycle with me putting in all the work even after arguments as he goes cold and starts to ignore @mydogwillow

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Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 13:46

He shut me off in the time away. Didnt attempt to even try ive been doing all the work, surely if ur aboyt to loose your family u wouldn't try. That is what i cant seem to understand unless hes really bad showing his emotions i dont know then. I feel like everyone can communicate its about priority @cascascascas

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Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 13:49

Hes working long hours im on maternity after 3rd but i am doing my part actually more then my part. He just seems to be saving or paying people back. @katysun

Im very afraid about the future either way and that's why im stuck in a massive rut. I am thinking of kids would it be better as a family or without. Very hard

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Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 13:57

Its rented but both of us are joints. He said i could go home but i know what he will do. Carry on with ignoring me or either use it as a hotel. It leads me to get very ill, that's why space is needed away. I will be going today later on once I've told him he needs to leave, which i know he won't but im fed up of this cycle @

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LannieDuck · 04/10/2021 17:03

He's just sticking his head in the sand until the problem goes away.

I'm curious - he said he's been trying to find time all day to apologise to you... during that conversation, did he actually apologise?

Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 17:16

Yes in this conversation he said he knows he made mistakes and put me through stuff. I haven't heard again yet assuming hes at work @LannieDuck

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Original poster

Oliviyax · 04/10/2021 23:06

Got my answers i guess didn't even bother to speak about it again. I cant understand whats going on im sure there's another women

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MydogWillow · 05/10/2021 07:11

Has he accused you of cheating recently @Oliviyax? Very often this is a question if they are cheating themselves.

Original poster

Oliviyax · 05/10/2021 09:37

No he hasn't said anything to me, he was smirking when i asked @mydogwillow

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shedreamer · 05/10/2021 10:30

I really feel for you. I have been going through much the same sort of situation with my husband over and over the last 2 years - my advice, leave the marriage and get yourself sorted for your children. My regret is wasting so much time in a ridiculous repetitive dynamic of being emotionally stone-walled, feeling desperate, getting back together and the same happening over and over....

You deserve better for yourself and your children.
You have to go through the emotional hell and you will come out the other side stronger. Take it from one going through it right now and still feels wobbly.

You have to grieve the future you thought you would have with this person but the truth is, it will never be harmonious if this is how he responds to fall-outs and doesn't communicate. It's extremely hurtful and not in any way your fault.

I think getting some advice from a family lawyer would be a good move as gathering information and looking at options can be very therapeutic in one way.
It's not easy emotionally but people get through it and move on.
It's good you have said you want out, stick to that.
I would also say that his actions don't necessarily mean he has no feelings etc, it's just the dysfunctional way he chooses to deal with them (probably avoiding pain, shitting feelings away etc).
Don't be surprised if he does a turn around and regrets and wants to save the marriage in the future. Remember what you don't want in a relationship and stay strong to that!

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