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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What shall I do?

31 replies

Marsh921 · 01/10/2021 14:56

My partner and I have been together 7 years and are very much in love. We have had conversations over the years about having children and I thought it was something we were gently working towards. I started to investigate my fertility about 3 years ago which eventually led to me having surgery earlier this year to remove a cyst and being told that my fallopian tubes are blocked, therefore, we would need to go down the IVF route. I was devastated at the time, especially as NSH IVF for over-35 year olds in my area does not exist and my partner and I can not afford it. We are very lucky in that my parents have offered to help us and we soothed ourselves with the idea of going to a clinic in Prague as it's a lot cheaper. Anyway, that was three months ago and just in the last few weeks, my partner has confided in me that he doesn't feel ready for children and doesn't know if he does actually want to go down that road. He has low self-esteem and does not think he's achieved much in his life due to having dyslexia and ADHA (neither of which were diagnosed), his school experience was traumatic and he feels he needs to be successful first before he can even think about having children. I understand he needs to be in the right headspace to be a parent and I don't want him to feel forced into something he doesn't want but I feel the rug has been yanked out from underneath me. I'm 38 and it's going to be difficult already, let along waiting for a number of years to wait and see if he is ready, only for him to potentially never be ready and for me to miss my opportunity to be a Mother. I should also mention that I'm not an especially ambitious person, I am a hard-worker and enjoy my job in a school but I have always known that the thing that would bring the most meaning in my life would be through building a family. I can't even begin to imagine life without my partner, he really is my soulmate but I don't want to resent him if I miss the opportunity. What shall I do?

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 15:55

he feels he needs to be successful first before he can even think about having children

Is he on a fast track to success? What's he doing to get himself into the right mindset?

Marsh921 · 01/10/2021 16:16

Not much currently... He is seeking therapy to help him but I think the way ADHD affects him is that it's hard to apply yourself, organise, sit still and learn. Dyslexia means it's hard for him to process things quickly. He's so enthusiastic about learning but struggles to do the essential bit - reading/studying

OP posts:
Happystar864864 · 01/10/2021 16:28

That’s a really trick one. I honestly can’t suggest what to do, but maybe some couples counseling/ therapy would be a good place to start. Children are obviously very important to you and achieving some ‘success’ is very important to him (has he got an achievable goal? This may help him if he can formulate some) . But counseling may help you to make a plan forward together while also understanding each others needs? Good luck x

Pinkbonbon · 01/10/2021 16:29

People go through stages of success and failure throughout life. Rarely is it a lasting achievement.

Children ideally need a home that is secure and financially stable. And parents with healthy self esteem so that they can pass this on to their kids. Discuss together how you can work to provide these things.

But be aware that it may just be that he doesn't want kids and is just looking for any old excuse to make.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/10/2021 16:37

People who get to their late thirties and aren’t sure if or when they want children, generally don’t really want children. You think you’ve been on the same page for years, but I suspect your “gently working towards” has been his “quietly putting it off.”

It’s fine not to want children, it’s a perfectly valid and often the best choice, but he needs to be straight with you about it. I’ve got limited patients for grown adults pushing forty still wanging on about their school experience and navel gazing over it, you need a firm conversation and a commitment to either set a deadline for a date you’re going to start the fertility treatment process and a timeline from him of how he’s going to get himself on track to be where he wants by then; or you separate and both live the lives you want. He isn’t your “soul mate” if you don’t share wanting to be parents, is he?

girlmom21 · 01/10/2021 16:40

Would you be prepared to raise a child alone? Is having a child a dealbreaker for you?

It does feel like he's paid lip service for a while knowing that he didn't really want children.

QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 16:56

Go it alone.. if you truly want children..

good luck 🌸

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 16:57

So he's only now seeking therapy for the school issues that have plagued his progress in adult life, and he's waited until you've been 'devastated' by your first foray into the IVF world before he's told you he's not really into having children?

It sounds to me like he doesn't deal with things until he has absolutely no other option. Does he exhibit that trait in daily life?

BornIn78 · 01/10/2021 17:03

your “gently working towards” has been his “quietly putting it off.”

Yep, there is thread after thread like yours, he won’t be ready in a few months or a few years.

If you want children now is the time for you, and if you are prepped to do it alone then I’d urge you to dump him, get a sperm donor and take your parents up on their offer to fund IVF.

QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 18:28

@BornIn78

your “gently working towards” has been his “quietly putting it off.”

Yep, there is thread after thread like yours, he won’t be ready in a few months or a few years.

If you want children now is the time for you, and if you are prepped to do it alone then I’d urge you to dump him, get a sperm donor and take your parents up on their offer to fund IVF.

100% this ... you can do it OP

Iflyaway · 01/10/2021 18:47

Are you ready to be a single mum, work full-time?

Or half time, how to pay the bills. Including child-care.

Family is not always around - cos they live hours away or in another country.

These are serious questions to ask yourself.

Coming from a single mum who's child's dad fucked off it within 6 months....

It WILL take up all of your life, including social contacts.

Don't underestimate the teenage years either. horrendous!

Marsh921 · 01/10/2021 20:19

Thank you for all taking the time to reply, there’s lots for me to think about. Going alone isn’t what I want but I might be forced to if i have no other options. It would be so much more stressful and lonely too.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 21:02

@Marsh921

Thank you for all taking the time to reply, there’s lots for me to think about. Going alone isn’t what I want but I might be forced to if i have no other options. It would be so much more stressful and lonely too.

You would be okay... you have your Parents.. your friends.. your 'future' baby ..

you would be ok honestly 🌸

Marsh921 · 01/10/2021 21:41

Thank you, I really feel supported by having some wisdom from some wonderful women.

OP posts:
PearLime · 01/10/2021 22:06

What a tit he is. Keeps you waiting around for ages and then drops this in your lap when you're 38 and have known fertility issues.

Sorry OP, but he has behaved extremely selfishly. And the bs he has come out with sounds like an excuse.

If he doesn't know whether he wants kids in his late 30s then he doesn't really want kids.

I honestly think you should leave him and have a baby alone, and failing that adopt alone. Plenty of women are taking this option because of the massive man-children in their lives.

AnotherVice · 01/10/2021 22:09

Maybe being a good father will be the thing he excels at?

Palavah · 01/10/2021 22:15

Check out The Stork and I on instagram/podcast, useful info for you considering whether you'd want to go it alone. Very empowering to read/listen when you're not sure about it.

helpforayounggirl · 01/10/2021 22:20

This is exactly what happened to me. I left him and had a donor baby at 38. He'd come back if I asked him, but me and DD are just great. I had to manage on less money, but I have.

PearLime · 01/10/2021 22:21

@helpforayounggirl

This is exactly what happened to me. I left him and had a donor baby at 38. He'd come back if I asked him, but me and DD are just great. I had to manage on less money, but I have.
Amazing! So lovely to hear this.
QueenBee52 · 01/10/2021 22:38

@helpforayounggirl

This is exactly what happened to me. I left him and had a donor baby at 38. He'd come back if I asked him, but me and DD are just great. I had to manage on less money, but I have.

Wonderful 🌸💕

Lana07 · 01/10/2021 22:42

For me to become a Mum was one of the most important priorities of my life.

That's why I wanted to have a baby as soon as we got married. I was 25, my husband was 38.

Then our son was born in 2007 when I was 27 and he was 40.

I would make it very clear to him. I AM READY and I am making my decision to proceed. If he is not ready and is against it, then it means I can't allow myself to miss my chance to become a Mother and he either agrees or we are not together.

I am always very firm and clear what I want from my life.

Lana07 · 01/10/2021 22:44

I would definitely regret it and resent him if he made me miss out on my chance.

TheCanyon · 01/10/2021 22:47

I'm sorry to say but this feels like you need to explore options alone. He WON'T be ready while you're able. If being a mum is that important to you, walk away NOW

anthurium · 02/10/2021 00:09

@Marsh921

Thank you for all taking the time to reply, there’s lots for me to think about. Going alone isn’t what I want but I might be forced to if i have no other options. It would be so much more stressful and lonely too.
Is staying with a partner who is potentially hindering your chance of motherhood a less lonely/less stressful option? He may never be ready, or be ready when your fertility has disappeared in years to come...

I had IVF with donor sperm this year aged 39 and have been extremely fortunate that it worked the first time and all is going well (currently 29 weeks pregnant). IVF stats are woeful: on average 30% success rate and it usually requires a few goes. Many couples/single women walk away with nothing so time is now (as I'd imagine you've been told by your fertility consultant). So many things can go wrong in the process you need to be as resilient as you can be to pick yourself up if there ate issues/or you need to have another go. For that you need a reliable/supportive partner otherwise you'd feel unsupported/resentful even.

You really ought to put yourself first and make a decision what's more important, a partner or a child as both may not be possible.

You're fortunate to have parents who are willing to help financially, are they able to help you should you decide to go at it alone?

It's easier with a support network however there are women out there (myself included) who are going to do it alone (no local help).

How would you feel if your partner wasted yet more of your time and as a result this left you infertile?

anthurium · 02/10/2021 00:12

@Palavah

Check out The Stork and I on instagram/podcast, useful info for you considering whether you'd want to go it alone. Very empowering to read/listen when you're not sure about it.
I second the Stork and I podcasts/FB too
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