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What shall I do?

31 replies

Marsh921 · 01/10/2021 14:56

My partner and I have been together 7 years and are very much in love. We have had conversations over the years about having children and I thought it was something we were gently working towards. I started to investigate my fertility about 3 years ago which eventually led to me having surgery earlier this year to remove a cyst and being told that my fallopian tubes are blocked, therefore, we would need to go down the IVF route. I was devastated at the time, especially as NSH IVF for over-35 year olds in my area does not exist and my partner and I can not afford it. We are very lucky in that my parents have offered to help us and we soothed ourselves with the idea of going to a clinic in Prague as it's a lot cheaper. Anyway, that was three months ago and just in the last few weeks, my partner has confided in me that he doesn't feel ready for children and doesn't know if he does actually want to go down that road. He has low self-esteem and does not think he's achieved much in his life due to having dyslexia and ADHA (neither of which were diagnosed), his school experience was traumatic and he feels he needs to be successful first before he can even think about having children. I understand he needs to be in the right headspace to be a parent and I don't want him to feel forced into something he doesn't want but I feel the rug has been yanked out from underneath me. I'm 38 and it's going to be difficult already, let along waiting for a number of years to wait and see if he is ready, only for him to potentially never be ready and for me to miss my opportunity to be a Mother. I should also mention that I'm not an especially ambitious person, I am a hard-worker and enjoy my job in a school but I have always known that the thing that would bring the most meaning in my life would be through building a family. I can't even begin to imagine life without my partner, he really is my soulmate but I don't want to resent him if I miss the opportunity. What shall I do?

OP posts:
WhoKnowsProbsNotMe · 02/10/2021 00:19

I honestly think if you have been together this long and both currently work (regardless of the role/pay ) you would both be an amazing influence for a child and what they should aim to achieve (self stability)

All the best x

beenwhereyouare · 02/10/2021 01:38

You sound as though you love him very much, but will that really be enough? As you said, he's pulled the rug out from under you. I would imagine you will feel a lot of resentment that will continue to build over time. It could easily end your relationship. Either way (leaving or giving up) you might lose your partner. The difference is that if you give up, you'll be without children as well. Are you really prepared to do that?

Scarydinosaurs · 02/10/2021 07:12

It sounds like being a mum is really important to you. And he has dithered about and jeopardised that despite knowing how important having children would be to you.

I’d leave him and go alone. Yes, financially it would be hard, but worth it.

HalzTangz · 02/10/2021 07:30

Could you not suggest the most successful thing in life is the bring a child into the world, to raise that child to become the best they can. Success isn't always ££££ in a job

updownroundandround · 02/10/2021 15:38

I think I'd be doing 2 things very quickly............

  1. Discuss with my parents the issues he's having and your desire to be a parent and ask if they would still be willing to help you financially if you were to go it alone. Assuming they would still help you, then move on to number 2.
  1. Sit H down today and tell him that you need to start trying now for a baby because you want/need to become a parent and it is not something you are willing to 'sacrifice' just because he still has other 'goals' in life. Tell him you need an answer now, because you don't want to live your life unfulfilled. Tell him it's a 'make or break' decision time, because you have no more time to waste with vague promises and dilly dallying.

Then I'd be making my plans accordingly.

You only get one life, and to not have achieved parenthood when it is so important to you because you were fooled into putting it off until it was too late by vague, 'wishy washy' notions about being 'successful' first Hmm, and ''not really wanting to go down that route'' Hmm would only sour your marriage anyway, because you'll always feel cheated out of being a Mother.

Lana07 · 02/10/2021 21:32

@updownroundandround

I think I'd be doing 2 things very quickly............
  1. Discuss with my parents the issues he's having and your desire to be a parent and ask if they would still be willing to help you financially if you were to go it alone. Assuming they would still help you, then move on to number 2.
  1. Sit H down today and tell him that you need to start trying now for a baby because you want/need to become a parent and it is not something you are willing to 'sacrifice' just because he still has other 'goals' in life. Tell him you need an answer now, because you don't want to live your life unfulfilled. Tell him it's a 'make or break' decision time, because you have no more time to waste with vague promises and dilly dallying.

Then I'd be making my plans accordingly.

You only get one life, and to not have achieved parenthood when it is so important to you because you were fooled into putting it off until it was too late by vague, 'wishy washy' notions about being 'successful' first Hmm, and ''not really wanting to go down that route'' Hmm would only sour your marriage anyway, because you'll always feel cheated out of being a Mother.

100% right!
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