If you went no contact with a relative(s) did you explain why?

[me4real]

I'm planning to go NC with dad and step-mum.

IDK whether to just block etc, or send a message beforehand explaining why.

My theory at the moment is not to give reasons, or it'll rile them up more (not that that really matters.)

What do you think?

DH and I went NC with MIL and BIL Nov 2019.

We attempted to have a civil discussion about MIL's behaviour prior to making the decision to go NC. However, she went absolutely berserk and then set her flying monkey aka BIL on us. Following this we chose to completely disengage, no explanation given to either of them. They were blocked on all sources of communication excluding email (in case of emergencies).

If we had attempted to explain our reasoning behind going NC, I'm certain we would have been on the receiving end of more bile and aggression.

I gave my DB both barrels before cutting contact and also explained my reasoning to my DF, who I'm very close to. To me just blocking would have felt childish, but DB is disgusting and pathetic rather than malevolent. So I guess it depends on your reasons for NC.

I didn't explain it when I went NC with my paternal family. It would have been pointless because they were oblivious to how dysfunctional they were anyway. That was nearly 30 years ago. I've never regretted it.

I did explain. All these years later they are like 'I have no idea why Janeway doesn't talk to me' so they have clearly ignored what I said.

In 1998, I decided my relationship with my dad had run its course. I did not announce it or tell anyone. In 2000, he realized we had not communicated in a couple of years. He attempts contact every now and then and I ignore it. I do not open the letters. He is way too manipulative. He has tried to get to me through others, but I don't respond.

No regrets.

A family member stopped contact with me, I really have no idea why ... we are polite if we meet at funerals (the only possible contact now ) but we used to be fairly close. To be honest I am not involving other family members by asking 'why?' or 'what have I done?' I just figure I will respect their decision and move on. In some ways I think I might have outgrown my 'usefulness', I did lots of babysitting and childcare but as the DC grew up that was no longer needed ... so maybe I wasn't either. .

I explained and got a load of excuses, accusations and denials in response.

NC with my sister, she knows why so didn’t need to “explain” haven’t spoken in almost 2 years

We had a falling out of sorts (all though no worse than any number of fallings out over the years where she treated me badly and I called her up on it). But a lightbulb went for me and I left and never did and never will contact her again. No explanation. It would be too long and petty and disputed anyway- and where would it get me? Here but with even more bad blood.

If I had an explanation as to why I put up with for so long I'd like to hear it!

Yes.

I'd been thinking of going NC for months with my dad and stepmum and then my dad died suddenly, a few months after his funeral my stepmum showed her true colours and I'd just had enough, I spent hours writing a message for her and her toxic twat of a son, I wasn't rude or mean, I just explained my feelings and wished them both well and then blocked on everything. I don't regret it either.

no, don't get bogged down in explanations, its only for your own self gratification, they will inevitably have a totally different take on it. Just accept that you don't like each other, and the relationship is over

NC with my sister, absolutely no point in wasting my breath.

I have gone LC with a relative. I will send her a Christmas card and am prepared to be polite at family gatherings but I will never get involved with her again.
I sent a brief email saying sorry but I can’t be involved anymore, and gave a sentence or two why. Was met with denial, and then she did a smear campaign about me in the family and even attempted to turn my own parents against me. Unfortunately, toxic and evil people don’t leave quietly, but I think the less you say, the better.

I'm nc with my mother, she knows exactly why but claims to have no idea 🤔🙄 I have no hesitation telling anyone exactly why!

I'm NC with my birth dad. Have been for years. Last saw him at my grandparents (his parents) wedding anniversary meal in 2015. Took great satisfaction in telling him exactly what I thought of him and exactly why he would never contact me or EVER have a relationship with my children- my kids think my deceased step dad was my birth father. I enjoyed telling him that. It was incredibly cathartic for me and I'm glad I said what I said to his face. I told him I didn't want to listen to anything he had to say and that was that. I haven't bothered blocking him because there's no point. He's a technological idiot and if he ever does mange to get in touch I will go for him. He's absolutely toxic and vile.

So my response would be- would it benefit you to explain why you're cutting off contact. If it does then tell them and don't engage past that. If it doesn't then just stop contact and move on. X

Only if it will help you move on. If not, don't bother.

I have been nc from my sister for 15 yrs. We were in business together for 20 yrs.
I was accused of fraud . Her dh was also involved. They took every way they could to accuse me. For the first time in my life i stood up to them.
I had to approve myself very hard decisions. Family sided with her (9 sibling) but have slowly realised it was not me. All cleared now but a lot of bitterness.

I have been NC with my parents for over 20 years

I outed them by accident one NYE when I just rang to say the usual bla bla bla before midnight to be told oh we are having a party your " insert relative not worthy of a title " is here

I then said " why have you got that fucking paedophile in your house ?"

To hear a whispered " you are on loud speaker and just embarrassed us in front of everyone " then the phone went dead

I then had no doubt of my worth so have never made effort or accepted calls since

Cest la vie

Not me but my poor dh is currently having a bloody hard time and has gone nc with his dad and lowered his contact with his mum.

Pair of toxic people the worst I've ever met.

He watched his dad beat his mum and himself and sibling for years.

Dad has always been controlling narcissistic asshole but mil put up with it and dragged her dc through it with her.

Dh and fil had a fall out a while ago after dh finally answered him bak and called him out on his shitty behaviour and it's spiralled from there.

Fucking mil can't help but mention him and bring things upto dh then back tracks.

Dh told her last week to stop mentioning him as it's starting to affect him but she started doing it again.

Dh lost his shit finally and told mil how he remembers it all and how much it's affected him and he doesn't want to see fil again. He's now banned from the house and if mil doesn't stop being the flying mo key she's also banned.

I'm so proud of him for finally saying what he's wanted to say since before we were married.

His stress levels are so much lower from not seeing fil but every time mil starts about him dh gets so wound up. I've told him to step away gracefully and not in anger and he can move on then.

Can't believe these parents a lot of people seem to have think it's ok to behave like it

I had a conversation with my DP (together with other members of my family) about a specific addiction/behaviour he would not seek help for.

He was full on defensive and denied that his behaviour had any impact on my family (it had had a devastating impact) and I didn't threaten him with NC but it was a natural consequence.

A few years down the line he has major terminal health needs (not relating to addiction) so I'm back talking/helping care for him as I was the only member of my family to go NC and it was more difficult for them than him (I don't think he gave a shit!) so it's all in the past now.

No. It wouldn't have helped.

@Teaandcakeordeath83 Did he respond at the time or was he just gobsmacked?

I would write them a letter, but I'd be worried I might get a nasty letter back which was hurtful/destabilizing. I would recognize his handwriting on an envelope, but not hers.

Do whatever is best for you. You owe them nothing.

In 2011 I wrote and told my brother I never wanted any contact with him ever again after facing up to childhood sexual abuse by him. If my elderly DF was struggling he could contact my DH in emergencies only. He still tried to use my DF as an excuse to try and force contact, so be aware narcissists will push back as pps have said. I told him because I needed to confront him with it for my own sake, not because I owed him an explanation though. Never regretted going NC for a second.
Good luck

@3beesinmybonnet I would be worried that if I wrote something they would write something back that would hurt me. But I suppose a lot of people would deliberately not write back, to pretend they weren't bothered.

Op you worrying about their response is a huge part of how narcissists work.

You have your reasons for doing what your doing

Be comfortable with your decision and don't think about how it will be received.

Part of moving on and not wanting to carry their baggage anymore is being content with your choices.

Remember your doing it for your own peace of mind and bugger what they or anyone else thinks