Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Was Psychologist correct to advise this?

26 replies

operativeextra · 30/09/2021 11:09

My exh had an affair and walked out. Our children were absolutely traumatised especially our son who has asd and daughter with anxiety. Our eldest child was sick of his moods and aggression so was relieved when he took off.
For the first yet we told our children that we simply fell out of love but loved them etc etc As advised by school psychologist .
A year later two of the children needed psychological intervention and the psychologist told me that in order to work with the children, they needed to know the truth . They were 11 and 13 at the time.
Up to that point, they blamed me for ' taking them away ' from Dad and family home. We have a second home near their schools And community so it was safer and easier to move there and the family home was huge, expensive to run and rural.
I am wondering now if it was the correct advice ? He wouldn't tell them that he had met and fallen in love with another woman which was why he left so I was advised to tell them which I did.
Your thoughts please?

OP posts:

Londono · 30/09/2021 11:10

I always think age appropriate truthful explanations are the best way to do things.

Londono · 30/09/2021 11:10

That doesn't mean using the children as emotional props for you or oversharing but truth is best on many difficult issues.

Holly60 · 30/09/2021 11:12

Yes I’d definitely say be truthful.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 30/09/2021 11:13

I had a similar situation. Their dad kept saying I had kicked him out. I had not. After a while I explained that while I respected his impression of what had happened, my recollection was that he had told me he wished to divorce and then left.

The children seemed to appreciate hearing that. They haven't (in the many years since) seemed upset about it or mentioned it at all.
Lots of other things have been tricky and I really did downplay his awfulness but telling them I had a different take on the split seemed OK.

Feelingparanoid · 30/09/2021 11:17

I'd say you were given very poor advice. There are ways of telling children the truth that keep the hard-nosed facts from them.

Now, the children are going to have to process the fact that they were 'lied' to originally.

Coyoacan · 30/09/2021 11:19

Yeap, they need age-appropriate truth without being drawn into your emotions

Original poster

operativeextra · 30/09/2021 11:22

To add, I have never spoken
Badly of him and never will . I have always encouraged their relationship with him but they really have little interest for a whole
Host of other reasons .

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 30/09/2021 11:30

Yes you do need to be truthful with them and you should have been from the start.

Original poster

operativeextra · 30/09/2021 11:33

We were advised by primary care psychologist to tell them that we feel out of love as she felt that their additional needs and stage of development couldnt cope with the truth on top of the separation at that tiMe.

OP posts:

Original poster

operativeextra · 30/09/2021 11:34

*fell

OP posts:

MatildaIThink · 30/09/2021 11:38

You need to tell them the truth, because otherwise they will figure out at some point you were lying and then will no longer trust the other things you said in relation to the separation.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/09/2021 11:41

Yes, they are old enough for the truth of their dad cheating on you and leaving you (and them).

Crystalvas · 30/09/2021 11:44

@operativeextra

Mabe that was the best age appropriate thing to tell them at the time. Now their older i do think its best to tell them the truth. Their anger is misdirected so they will need to work on that with psychology for the best outcome.

Marjoriedrawers · 30/09/2021 11:46

Well they blame you so clearly the truth is the only way forward. They need to understand they are misinterpreting what happened and the only way they will understand that is through the truth. People spend too much time avoiding the truth and it effects children. Bit like how some parents avoid the reality of the death of a pet by confusing the hell out of children telling them little fluffy has gone to heaven to play with his mum etc, then they still have to find out about death anyway.

Triffid1 · 30/09/2021 11:55

I appreciate that based on their ages and development at the time, telling them the truth may not have been appropriate but I am 100% in agreement that as much as possible, age appropriate versions of the truth must be told. Not least because in my experience, the lie seems to work for the man but never for the woman who is actually at home having to deal with the DC's concerns and questions.

You don't have to say that he was off shagging some random woman, but you can say that daddy didn't want to be with mummy anymore and chose to be with someone else. It actually makes me quite cross when all these women are tying themselves up in knots to basically protect the man who betrayed them, and doing it in a way that is harmful to their children. I'm not blaming you OP, just saying absolutely yes to the new advice.

FatCatThinCat · 30/09/2021 12:04

I think it's best to be truthful but they don't always need the whole truth. In the beginning 'we fell out' may have been enough truth for them. It wasn't a lie, it just didn't go into why you fell out. Now they may be ready for the why.

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2021 12:06

It’s hard to know what was the best thing to do in that situation.

On the one hand ‘Daddy had an affair and ran off with his mistress and broke my heart and left us all’ isn’t going to paint him in the best light and their perception of him would be tarnished. That wouldn’t be an ideal situation either.

The Psychologist was probably trying to keep it neural so no blame was placed, so to save their relationship with their dad. This has backfired this time unfortunately and now they’re blaming you, which obviously isn’t true

It’s a difficult situation for you but I don’t think the psychologist is to ‘blame’. She was doing what she felt was the appropriate thing to do at the time.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 30/09/2021 12:15

Truth definitely. I'm autistic and my Dad had a long term affair. I'd always blamed my Mum for the poor state of the relationship and would have continued to do so had I not been told the truth.

Rosequartz7 · 30/09/2021 12:23

You say primary care psychologist, are they actually a psychologist, or are they a mental health worker, mental health practitioner etc. As there is a big difference, and will be a huge variation in training and or specialisms as well.

Balonzette · 30/09/2021 15:01

Yes, I think it was correct.

Thornbirdsong · 30/09/2021 16:55

I told my children the truth and they were 5 &7. I was advised to by 3 different counsellors as children need to be able to trust that their parents will be honest, so they can rely on you.

Their dad had an affair so the words I used were "when people are married they make promises to each other not to have another boyfriend or girlfriend, and not to keep that big a secret from each other. Dad did not stick to the promise as he's had a secret girlfriend for a while so we had to split up".

As a child, my parents divorced as my dad had an affair (when I was 5) but I was lied to until I was 10. That really broke me for while but I'm glad I was eventually told. I don't think I was fair to anyone to lie - least of all my mum.

Awful situation OP. Really feel your pain.

Lollysticks12 · 01/10/2021 12:07

My mum had an affair when I was 10 and we went to live with him, I didn't find out until the age of 18 that she'd had one and thinking back I'm glad as my young mind would probably have resented her and still had to live with her. I suppose it depends if you want a total breakdown of relationship between kids and dad(which may or may not happen) It's not right I know but I'd probably want to salvage some relationship between them. But if they have no interest anyway then you might aswell tell them.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 01/10/2021 12:23

I don't think it's inevitable at all that relationships break down between children and parents. It depends on what they're told and the way they're told.

My family member is divorced because her ex H met someone else and he is now engaged. The children spend time with both parents and know that Dad has a new girlfriend because he doesn't love Mum in t same way anymore. It was bumpy for a while but as far as I know they didn't blame their Dad. But they were very sad about not all living together anymore.

Thornbirdsong · 01/10/2021 17:29

I agree. My children still adore their dad despite what he did. They still have a decent relationship with him and see him regularly. It wasn't like that for the first 2 ish years but they still loved him no matter what.

If things don't make sense to kids eg "we split up because we weren't getting along" when they felt as though things were fine, can confuse them and apparently they then fill in the gaps themselves.

Another friend told their children the dad had done something bad but wouldn't elaborate. The children then thought of the worst thing and believed their dad had killed someone. Apparently their brains think worse case scenario that their age can come up with.

It's so tough on kids. And for the partners left behind to pick up the pieces is soul destroying.

Stickyblue1987 · 01/10/2021 19:58

At the ages they are now i agree that the truth is appropriate. Delivered in an age appropriate way. If you don't provide some context they may blame you more, especially as they enter adolescence. Do you have a good co-parenting relationship with ex?

Flip

1 2