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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much do I tell the kids?

38 replies

Worakls · 30/09/2021 10:18

Morning. 2 years ago (to the day in fact!) I discovered my husband of 10 years, partner of 16 had had a third affair, alongside numerous other emotional affairs and inappropriate sexual behaviour. In February 2020 he moved out of the family home and he sees the children EOW and one eve a week. We told the children mummy and daddy weren't getting along anymore.
Alongside the affairs I have now realised that he was (and still is) emotionally abusive and I have been scared of him for years. I also believe the way he treated our son (10) to be damaging but wouldn't go as far as to say abusive. This had improved this past year.
Anyway, 18 months later we are still in mediation and nowhere near an agreement. He has made life very difficult for me. He shouts at me and belittles me. If I EVER stand up to me, he makes me pay for it.
His latest is to try and "starve me out of the house". Now obviously, money is extremely tight and my stress levels are through the roof. I am not sleeping and I am trying to hold down a FT job, whilst being the primary parent.
The children are noticing.... they are noticing I am stressed and exhausted and they are noticing we don't have much money.
So my question is, how do I explain this to the children? Eldest (10) asks why we don't have much money, why I can't get a better job like his dad (his dad earns a 6 figure salary and I only started FT work a year ago ExH used to work away and I looked after the kids and worked PT) and why I'm so tired.
So far I don't mention his dad, ever but for how much longer can the children keep thinking this is because of me?
I DO NOT want to harm their relationship with their dad, nor do I want to be accused of parental alienation but I'm worried by telling them nothing they worry....
Please help :-(

OP posts:

ElleStartingOver · 30/09/2021 10:23

First of all have you made a claim for child support?

He sounds like an absolute prick, but I would be wary of what you tell the children. They will realise on their own eventually.

Original poster

Worakls · 30/09/2021 10:25

Yeah I have CMS. The issue is our joint mortgage. Fixed term has ended and payments have rocketed and he's no longer contributing towards the mortgage at all.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 10:39

In answer to "why can't you get a better/higher earning job?" explain that you had time off to care for the children so need to build up your work history before you can get higher earning jobs, and that a higher earning job would mean sacrifices in terms of family time.

Tell him that it's better to be able to spend quality time together than have more money and not be able to enjoy it because you have no free time.

You don't need to talk about his dad to answer that question.

myhipponeedssuncream · 30/09/2021 10:46

Will he not refix the mortgage ? You want to stay in this house ? Or you happy to sell and move ? He's not contributing to the mortgage ? Where is he living?

Original poster

Worakls · 30/09/2021 10:50

No he won't fix rate with me. He is renting. I would like to stay ideally or sell and buy my own place. Issue is with the amount of equity he is offering me with my salary I can't get anywhere suitable

OP posts:

Shurl · 30/09/2021 10:52

I didn't think mediation was advised when there is abuse. It sounds like you need to start pushing the divorce forward with your solicitor tbh

EveryoneIsUnique · 30/09/2021 10:54

Tell the kids the truth, don't lie but in all honestly they don't need to know what happened in your relationship then or now. The older they get the more they will see what a shit husband he's been to you. You not having money isn't their dads fault, it's life and what happens, although he's probably been a cunt to you over the years with everything you forgave him and so its irrelevant. The fact he won't help with the mortgage again is your problem. Me personally i would look to move out so you don't need him to help pay for the mortgage, don't keep paying it if he's on the deeds. When he has the kids make sure it also suits you and its not in the family home, if they have homework send it with them don't let him be the disney dad. Make sure you keep on to CSA. Only you can change the way he treats you, and in time when you've more confidence it will get easier.

Jsku · 30/09/2021 10:56

OP - you do need to try to keep the kids out of it as much as possible so that they don’t worry.
But of course you can start telling your son some things about life in general, without laying blame on your Ex. You can’t get Hugh yet paying job because you need to take care of the kids and because of your work experience, etc.
And you can also tell him that you are exhausted because of all the things you need to take care of.

On a separate note. If your mediation hasn’t gone anywhere for 18 month - why are you still doing it? Your Ex is clearly playing a hardball. Don’t waste your time and file to go to court.

He is clearly hoping you’ll give up and agree to his terms. If there is a court date he may have to become more agreeable. As he is probably likely to get a worse deal there.

DameMaureen · 30/09/2021 11:00

@Worakls

Yeah I have CMS. The issue is our joint mortgage. Fixed term has ended and payments have rocketed and he's no longer contributing towards the mortgage at all.

I suggest you press on with the divorce asap and a financial settlement .

Fadingout · 30/09/2021 11:03

I’d explain simply to the kids, their dad has worked whilst you’ve been caring for them and now you work as well.

I absolutely hate dickheads like your ex. Whilst he may think he’s depriving you, he’s actually depriving his kids.

I’d seek the advice of a solicitor. Some do free half hours so I’d write down all my questions and use that half an hour.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/09/2021 11:07

@Worakls

I hope you've spoken to a solicitor so you know what's reasonable. Don't let him steamroll you into taking too little. His pension is an asset that needs to be shared too, given he's a high earner I'd expect his pension would be substantial. If it is you may be able to exchange not claiming a large chunk of his pension for more of the house equity. Agree with PPs, it's time to push for court, you need a legal resolution to this so you can move on with your life.

myhipponeedssuncream · 30/09/2021 11:23

Yes you need to push this through the divorce. If he is offering less than 50% then of course not, but with kids you really need more. What mortgage could you manage and work it out form there's

I would be factual with the kids, but not paint him negatively. It's very hard not to bring your emotions into it. I don't know why people punish their kids like this, but all they see is their ex DP living on their money.

Original poster

Worakls · 30/09/2021 11:30

Thanks everyone. I do have a solicitor but this has bene dragging on so long that I am now completely broke. And all I keep hearing is, "this can't go to court, there aren't enough assets", "you will spend more in court fees than there is in equity".

He is offering me 50% equity from house, no pension sharing and no access to my share of his company. (He gets the family home in this instance.)

I know I deserve more but he will not budge at all. I have offered him 25% equity and I leave his pension and his business and don't ask for spousal (even though given his salary vs mine I am entitled to it). But he just says no.

As for the kids, thank you. So far, I am pretty proud of how I have managed to protect them from it all. I guess I worry I will feel rubbish when I have to tell the kids they're being kicked out of their home so daddy can have it and I have let them down :-(

OP posts:

myhipponeedssuncream · 30/09/2021 11:48

Would you be able to buy anything with 50% ?

I would suggest that if he doesn't want you to stay in the house that you push so it is either sorted by xmas or it's put up for sale. Seems like he moves in and you move out.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 30/09/2021 11:53

@Worakls

He is offering me 50% equity from house, no pension sharing and no access to my share of his company. (He gets the family home in this instance.)

Dear lord, get a solicitor and go for his pension and company shares!

From your post of the shares actually yours or are you wanting some from he company as you are the wife? Either way see a good solicitor for half an hour with those questions. Including asking how do people afford it? Can other help here on practicalities? Saying get a solicitor has cost implications of course.

You and your children are worth so much more. He can say no all
He likes, you are entitled by law!

Original poster

Worakls · 30/09/2021 11:58

I am a joint shareholder in his company.

And with 50% equity I can't rehouse myself and the kids suitably, no.

OP posts:

Jsku · 30/09/2021 12:23

@Worakls

This is exactly how men like him get women to accept bad deals.
I have been through divorce as have a few friends.
You need to call his bluff and stop spending on a solicitor.

File to go to court. Self represent - or at least tell him you will. And then wait. Nothing will change in short term as he’ll still pay CMS.
Yours is a very clear case. You won’t get any less than what he is offering you. And very likely get more.
He only has things to lose from going to court that’s why he is scaring you. And it seems to almost be working as you sound like you are eventually going to accept if this is going this way.

Don’t spend any more money on solicitor/mediation. File, wait.
He will initially be angry and unleash abuse. They always do. Don’t engage.
Once he calms down, he’ll either settle on better terms or will be made to in court.

altmember · 30/09/2021 13:32

@Worakls

He is offering me 50% equity from house, no pension sharing and no access to my share of his company. (He gets the family home in this instance.)

Given your description of the financial situation, your solicitor's line of 'don't go to court, not enough assets' sounds a bit odd. I'd definitely be seeking a second opinion from another solicitor.

You could self represent until the the final stages and then just get a barrister. If you go that route, and do the leg work yourself, you might be able to find a helpful solicitor who will just given you paid for advice (an hour here and there) along the way.

AnonymousAuroch · 30/09/2021 19:52

Roughly how much equity is in the house, and how much are his pension and business worth?

SW1amp · 30/09/2021 19:59

You need a new solicitor…

And have a frank chat with them about costs, both in terms of estimates and also payment schedules

Mine was happy to accept a nominal amount up front and the rest on completion of the financial order, as they knew there was enough equity in the house to cover their bill
You might want to propose a similar arrangement with any that you speak to

As pp said, ExH is offering the absolute bare minimum a court will award so he has everything to lose and you have everything to gain if it goes to court
His tactic of smoking you out of the house only works if you play along with it

BonneMaman15 · 30/09/2021 20:20

Your solicitor is wrong about not going to court. We had no assets, but it was worth filing for to arrange a suitable monthly maintenance payment. You have company shares, a house and pension. Of course it's worth going to court for. This is playing out exactly as he wants it to now. Pls file, file, file! Do not do mediation with this man!

Original poster

Worakls · 30/09/2021 20:21

Thanks everyone. There is 75k equity in the house and we live in South East. His pension is worth 3 times mine so not huge as he's been self employed for years. His company he says is valued at zero.... Funnily enough I don't believe this.
As for my solicitor, I do trust her and she is good and all along she is trying to save me from spending too much on legal advice and has encouraged me to try and get through to him in mediation. Issue is I guess that we didn't expect him to not budge at all

OP posts:

Kabakofte · 30/09/2021 20:35

Do not agree anything without good legal advice, I know you say you trust your solicitor but you have a claim on his pension and you need to make sure the court does a forensic check on his finances so he cannot be hiding anything. You are entitled to more than just 50% of the house. What a tosser!!

AnonymousAuroch · 30/09/2021 20:40

Start playing hardball. Tell him if he doesn't agree to your terms you'll go for (for example) 70% of the house and 50% of everything else, plus spousal. And raise your terms anyway, you're asking for too little as it is.

DameMaureen · 30/09/2021 20:54

Just file for divorce /unreasonable grounds and it is highly likely that the judge will award these costs to be paid by him . The court can order him to provide the required documentation and the judge will make a ruling based on that . I see you don't have much equity but a judge will be concerned to see children housed and there are various things he may suggest . It will be a starting point of 50% of both pensions so claim this . Bollocks about the business . You will need to spend a little to get what is yours but as others have said you can pay in a variety of ways . Your solicitor seems a bit gutless.

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