How much do I tell the kids?

[Worakls]

Morning. 2 years ago (to the day in fact!) I discovered my husband of 10 years, partner of 16 had had a third affair, alongside numerous other emotional affairs and inappropriate sexual behaviour. In February 2020 he moved out of the family home and he sees the children EOW and one eve a week. We told the children mummy and daddy weren't getting along anymore.
Alongside the affairs I have now realised that he was (and still is) emotionally abusive and I have been scared of him for years. I also believe the way he treated our son (10) to be damaging but wouldn't go as far as to say abusive. This had improved this past year.
Anyway, 18 months later we are still in mediation and nowhere near an agreement. He has made life very difficult for me. He shouts at me and belittles me. If I EVER stand up to me, he makes me pay for it.
His latest is to try and "starve me out of the house". Now obviously, money is extremely tight and my stress levels are through the roof. I am not sleeping and I am trying to hold down a FT job, whilst being the primary parent.
The children are noticing.... they are noticing I am stressed and exhausted and they are noticing we don't have much money.
So my question is, how do I explain this to the children? Eldest (10) asks why we don't have much money, why I can't get a better job like his dad (his dad earns a 6 figure salary and I only started FT work a year ago ExH used to work away and I looked after the kids and worked PT) and why I'm so tired.
So far I don't mention his dad, ever but for how much longer can the children keep thinking this is because of me?
I DO NOT want to harm their relationship with their dad, nor do I want to be accused of parental alienation but I'm worried by telling them nothing they worry....
Please help :-(

It sounds like your solicitor doesn't understand how abusive men work.

I think you need someone with more experience of bullying shits.

You have no choices here but to go to court. He is never going to agree.

Well, I suppose your other choice is to walk away with the 50% and use it to rent somewhere for you and the kids (by paying 12 months in advance), then when your money runs out, you claim housing benefit. You may need to move to a shitty area and send your kids to a shitty school.

I know which choice I'd be making!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation and this is now my life! Please @Worakls listen to their advice!

My ex and I are split. I live in the house with my dd and am trying to sell. He should be paying half of the mortgage especially if it is a joint mortgage. that is his legal responsibility. Tell the mortgage company that you separated and the date on which you separated and only pay half of the mortgage.Give them his new address and contact telephone number. he should then set up a standing order to pay the other half - that is what he is legally liable for. you don't have to pay it all yourself.

My mortgage company actually telephone my ex to remind him he was liable for half of the mortgage. If he doesn't pay it then it affects both of our credit ratings so he wouldn't dare not pay it.

Can you get a mortgage holiday for a month or two whilst you remind him he is liable for half of the mortgage - make it clear to him from now on you are only paying half of it. It's not like he cant afford it either!

If you have an ex who wont negotiate (like me) there comes a time when paying for solicitors fees to keep trying to negotiate when he is not budging is pointless. Tell the solicitor that you will give him two more weeks to come to a fair agreement then draw a line in the sand and go straight to court for a ruling, specifying what you want. He is just drawing it out. Don't give him the power. Aim high, go for all you are entitled to.

Thanks everyone. It helps to hear that I'm not being unreasonable. He keeps mocking me for how little I earn (I gave up my career a few years back so just starting back and I'm actually proud of my salary and the fact I am juggling it all with being a single parent) and telling me I'm being so unreasonable.
I looked round a place today and might make an offer. It's in catchment for schools so kids don't have to change, it's big enough. Only downside is that is a bit tired and has a Trainline literally at end of the garden.
But for my independence, I'm very tempted.
Also means giving him our family home. How do I explain that to the kids? That daddy gets our home for himself and his new girlfriend...

Just bumping quickly to see if anyone has any advice on me moving out of the family home to this little place I saw yesterday?

OP - I don’t know how to say it any better than I said before. You need to sort out the financial side of your divorce. Not dream about escaping to a new house. And certainly not leaving the family home.
You are afraid to escalate, it’s understandable. But really - there is nothing to be afraid of. You will either get the same deal or, more likely a better deal in court.

You need to finally think for yourself. Your solicitor isn’t your friend, she is still making money off you. Even if she is making all the noises about being careful with cost. The is still continuously making money. She will do it until you run out of money to pay.
Put a stop to it. File to court and wait.

You are tired of negativity and your Ex. However - this isn’t a solution. You may yet get a bigger share of the house, you may get a Mesher order that will give you the house until the kids grow up. Etc.
Plus - I assume you have a mortgage on this house that you have to still pay. You can’t just stop paying that if you rent/buy something else.
This isn’t a solution that would make your life any easier.
Sorry

You need to file at court and let them decide. Only then can you move forward. Yes he's a dick but you will be rid of him.

Yeah I think you're right but yes, I am scared. I'm scared it will take so much out of me emotionally that I'll lose my job. I'm scared my children will hate me for taking their dad to court. I'm scared of what he will do when I file...

[quote Jsku]@Worakls

This is exactly how men like him get women to accept bad deals.
I have been through divorce as have a few friends.
You need to call his bluff and stop spending on a solicitor.

File to go to court. Self represent - or at least tell him you will. And then wait. Nothing will change in short term as he’ll still pay CMS.
Yours is a very clear case. You won’t get any less than what he is offering you. And very likely get more.
He only has things to lose from going to court that’s why he is scaring you. And it seems to almost be working as you sound like you are eventually going to accept if this is going this way.

Don’t spend any more money on solicitor/mediation. File, wait.
He will initially be angry and unleash abuse. They always do. Don’t engage.
Once he calms down, he’ll either settle on better terms or will be made to in court.[/quote]
This OP.

He is a bully.

Don't let him.

Your solicitor doesn't sound great.

Stop mediation immediately.

He is highly abusive.

Call womens aid for advice.

But file for divorce yourself.

@Worakls

OP - you need support of people who have been through this. And many of us on here have. As well as other people we know.

He is not a big bad wolf. He can’t DO anything if you file to go to court. What happened with bullies like him when the woman puts an end to letting him bully her is one of the two things

• He rages and then realises he needs to settle with a more fair deal
• He rages and being stubborn ends up in court. There is is told to accept a more fair deal

Both of these end up with a better deal for you.

As to your kids. It is for them that you need to do it. You need to fight for what’s rightfully yours so that you can have a nicer life with them. Kids are too young to understand what going to court means. And they would not hate you. As far as they are concerned it’s a place where adults go to settle disagreements.

OP - please do try to access some support. You need to find internal strength to deal with all of this. For your and your kids sake.

You just say to the kids that the two of you couldn't agree what was fair, so a judge needs to decide. It's not you "taking daddy to court" - it is, "we tried to come to an agreement, but we just couldn't, daddy thought one thing, and I thought the other, so we needed someone wiser. Sometimes that happens, sometimes you need someone from the outside to help you see what's fair". And you just keep that line.

Go to court. Get it done.

@category12

You just say to the kids that the two of you couldn't agree what was fair, so a judge needs to decide. It's not you "taking daddy to court" - it is, "we tried to come to an agreement, but we just couldn't, daddy thought one thing, and I thought the other, so we needed someone wiser. Sometimes that happens, sometimes you need someone from the outside to help you see what's fair". And you just keep that line.

Go to court. Get it done.

This is a brilliant way of explaining the situation, OP please do consider this.

If you're a shareholder in the business you should be entitled to copies of relevant documents, your ex will have to produce them anyway for the financial disclosure. Amazingly my ex's company was also on it's arse when we were at the point of settling, but three years on still trading and directors have new cars and always the newest iPhone etc.

Get a new solicitor - it need not go to court and involve barristers etc. My ex traded all equity in the house for me signing over my shareholding in the business, and solicitor got a pension share as a last minute addition to the deal.

Don't stop paying the mortgage, you take out a mortgage jointly and severally so the lender can come after you for non-payment, it will screw up your credit rating for when you need a new mortgage on your own.

Stop mediation and file for unreasonable behaviour ASAP, really get the ball rolling. Good luck!