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Original poster

Is he wasting my time or am I worrying too much?

27 replies

Wafflestues · 29/09/2021 12:52

I was 34 last week. I’ve been with my partner nearly a year. See him around 4 days a week usually. He’s 39. We both said we want marriage and kids however he recently said he would want to wait ‘a few years’ for kids as he is still climbing the career ladder. He said by 43 he would be ready. I said I wouldn’t want to wait that long and he said he would consider a couple of years in that case and understood where I was coming from. It was an ok chat and we both felt ok afterwards.

But there’s no real sign of things moving forwards. I would move in now. We both have our own homes and financial independence. There’s really no reason why one of us couldn’t live with the other. I haven’t raised this explicitly yet but fear he will say he’s not ready.

He’s told me he loves me, though I was the love of his life etc and I’m happy with him except for feeling unsure about the future.

Some friends have said just bide time a bit as it’s still only an 11 month relationship. Others have said to push him on this as I shouldn’t waste time. Im feeling so confused and sad and it’s starting to impact how I am around him.

Am I worrying too much? If I was much younger I would be so happy right now with him but i feel under pressure to have lots of plans in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wafflestues · 29/09/2021 12:53

*told me he thought I was the love of his life

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 12:57

Theres no way to know really. He could lie, dangle the carrot to keep you around, or he could simply change his mind about children and not want them at all.

I'm not really sure why or how his career progression would be impacted by children if he really didn't want it to?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/09/2021 12:59

Talk is cheap.
Anyone can say anything.
Actions count for much more.

If he loved you that much, he wouldn't be "unsure about the future".
Do not move in with him.

Be careful.
He might just be a tyre kicker.

RaisedByPangolins · 29/09/2021 13:06

Yeah at your age I wouldn’t waste too much time tbh. I know you don’t want to come across as too eager, but he needs to realise that every year you wait, your fertility is declining. Waiting another 4-5 years puts you firmly in the ‘older mum) camp. Even at 35 they used to use the phrase “geriatric mother” but apparently it’s now “advanced maternal age”. This means that you may have extra complications conceiving and carrying a baby.

Of course, plenty of women do leave having children until a bit later these days and it’s not all doom and gloom - balanced article on it here - but you do need to be aware of how the relationship is moving on and whether he’s really just stringing you along. We hear so often on here of men who “aren’t ready” for marriage and commitment/kids, but once you dump them and move on, magically their next GF is the one and they marry and have kids within a year, meanwhile you’ve wasted your best years sitting tight and trying not to come across needy.

After a year tbh I’d know if I wanted to spend my life with someone. If he’s dithering I’d probably give it a mental time limit and then tell him I want a child and will be going ahead with a donor to conceive in eg 6 months. Give him time to decide if he wants to get on board and replace the donor or step back and leave you to become a mother without him. He needs to understand that the longer he keeps you waiting the harder it could be to conceive and Carry a healthy baby full term. Flowers

romelove14 · 29/09/2021 13:10

A year isn’t really that long if he is at least willing to talk about it. If you love him you do not want to regret letting him go. Also it’s important not to bring it up too much and out deadlines on stuff. Sometimes things just happen out of the blue - keep looking for the signs that he is more ready or you could try living together.

updownroundandround · 29/09/2021 13:16

I also fail to see how his career would be affected by marriage and kids, because it's usually seen as a benefit for a man to have a family and be settled career wise Hmm

I'd also be a bit wary because 11mths really is 'early days' in a relationship.

I also see how, if you want kids, you're looking to not waste time if he's not going to want the same things at the same time.

I think an honest chat is needed, where you state clearly what it is you want e.g An agreement to moving in together now, with a view to getting engaged/married within 18mths and trying for a baby in 2 years.
I know that this might seem a bit pushy and may sound scary for him, but he's not the one with a finite 'window' of fertility, is he ?
And I'd be reminding him that unless he suddenly started dating 20yr olds, then almost all women of your age are looking towards their 'biological clocks' in their mid 30's Hmm

After almost a year of dating, I really don't think it's too 'early' to make a plan, with actual timelines. If he's not 'sure enough' about you by now to do that, then I think you have your answer. If he's happy to plan for your joint future and to start 'moving forward', then he's open to a real future with you.

Remember, it's only ever within your power to achieve your 'life goals', and you can only do that by being honest and not allowing people to prioritize their goals over yours.

ravenmum · 29/09/2021 13:32

he said he would consider a couple of years in that case and understood where I was coming from
What did he mean by that? Does he definitely understand what you mean?

I''d give it a month or two personally to try to get anything "on paper", simply as "11 months" and "more than a year" have a different kind of weight in a discussion. But in the meantime, make sure he does know the very practical, serious reasons why you would rather start early, and that it has nothing to do with any romantic ideas or social norms.

HappyDays101010 · 29/09/2021 13:37

If you are the love of his life, and he believes in marriage, he would be whisking you down the aisle wouldn't he?

So I would imagine that one of those things isn't true.

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 13:40

As per pp, talk is cheap.
If a man is really interested in commitment, he will make an effort. From your OP I gather he seems to want to plan the future according to his wishes without much regard for what it is what you want. To be honest, I would consider ending the relationship because he does sound like a time waster who isn’t ready to commit any time soon.

PaperDolphin · 29/09/2021 13:45

I don't know him, but in theory if he doesn't want kids at 39, he doesn't want kids.

BornIn78 · 29/09/2021 13:49

Moving in together, marriage and having children won’t affect his climbing the career ladder at all, it’s all excuses.

He is telling you that it will be at least another 4 years before he will think about children. He really hasn’t committed to anything before the age of 43 for him, he said he would consider things, it’s all about him and his timescales.

At 43 what’s to say he still won’t be ready, at the right point in his career, the moon won’t be aligned correctly with Mars, etc etc.

I wouldn’t waste any more than another 6 months and one very clear conversation about your timescales.

solarsky · 29/09/2021 14:11

Even without the kids for now if there's no sign of him wanting to live with you by now or at least having a clear plan to then I think he's wasting your time.
I've learnt that when men say they love you it doesn't mean anything unless their actions truly back that up.
If he has never settled down with anyone by now then he's a commitment phobe as he would of had the opportunity to in the past but hadn't.

FlowerArranger · 29/09/2021 14:27

@Wafflestues

*told me he thought I was the love of his life
He told you? That he "thought" you are the love of his life? What actions of his back up what he told you?

Do you FEEL that you are the love of his life?
Is HE the love of your life?

A lot of questions, I know....

honeylulu · 29/09/2021 15:21

How arrogant. He assumes you'll still be hanging around in 2 years waiting for him to make his decision! Meanwhile your wishes and timetable don't seem worthy of a passing thought.

Like another PP I'd decide to give it 6 months and if nothing seems to move in the right direction ... Next!

TheFoundations · 29/09/2021 17:04

I haven’t raised this explicitly yet but fear he will say he’s not ready

This is the worrying bit. In a healthy relationship, you would want to raise issues because you would feel that even if he didn't have the answer you wanted, he would do all he could, as you would, to find a way, to reach a compromise, to make things better for you if you were feeling bad.

In short, if this was a relationship in which to raise children, you'd be talking to him about it, not us.

layladomino · 29/09/2021 17:29

It's only been 11 months though. I would run a mile if someone said they wanted to start planning children with me after 11 months.

I appreciate that age makes it more complicated, but that isn't a good reason to have a baby. You need to be as sure as you can of the relationship first, and I don't think you can be after 11 months.

That said, if you are both seeing this as a long term thing at this stage, I'd think it reasonable to say along the lines of 'if we still feel the same in a year we'll set a wedding date then start trying for a baby'. So at least you have a firm agreed plan in place.

Make it absolutely clear if children are a dealbreaker for you. As in 'don't string me along if you aren't serious - because of my age I need to know I will be planning a baby in the next x years. If that isn't for you, say so now'.

So no, I don't think he's wasting your time. But you do both have to be very clear on what you want out of the relationship so you can both make informed decisions.

TheFoundations · 29/09/2021 17:53

It's only been 11 months though. I would run a mile if someone said they wanted to start planning children with me after 11 months

Bear in mind that not everybody is the same as you. There is no 'right time' to have this conversation. You just need to be on the same page as each other.

TooWicked · 29/09/2021 18:00

It's only been 11 months though. I would run a mile if someone said they wanted to start planning children with me after 11 months

My ex-SIL was very clear when dating, from date number 1, that she wanted to try and be pregnant within the next 18 months. She was starting out again (after BIL had strung her along and wasted her best fertile years) at age 37 and was open about the fact she wanted children and she was prepared to have children with or without a relationship in place.

She's now happily married to the father of her 2 children.

So you might run a mile, plenty wouldn't.

Annasgirl · 29/09/2021 18:05

Well I made my position on marriage and children clear to my DH within 6 months. I was only 27!!! But I’d had enough time wasters, and I decided that I would rather be alone on my terms, than with another time-waster, waiting for them to ‘be ready’.

I had already had the ‘oh, I’m not ready for marriage’ from a guy who got engaged, and married, to someone, within a year of us splitting up!!!

OP, as someone has already pointed out, you are afraid to have this conversation with him - there is your answer. If you are afraid to discuss your desired future with a man, then he is not the man you should marry.

SheikhMaraca · 29/09/2021 18:05

He’s not that into you.

Honestly, at your age, I’d be throwing this one back.

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 18:10

I would be in the run a mile camp. You don't even know someone at a year in.

Maybe (if we had lived together for at least 1 year) then I'd consider talks of starting to try around the 2 and a half year mark. At the very earliest.

But I'd eventually him to have the respect to bring up marriage first. Even if we decided against it ultimately.

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 18:10

*expect him

Babyghirl · 29/09/2021 19:04

@Wafflestues
Watch he's not stringing you along, he could be telling you all you want to hear and then in 4 years say no I don't want kids. Them at 39 it will be a rush to try find someone, then wait some more to ttc so talking what 41 at least.

Some men will do this string them along to an age where they know they will struggle to conceive.

I would have the conversation with him along the lines, you know I want a family please if you don't want kids please tell me now and not when it's to late to start again.

Keepitonthedownlow · 29/09/2021 19:07

He sounds like a time waster sadly. Planning to become a father when you're 43 is preposterous.

Keepitonthedownlow · 29/09/2021 19:08

Nothing against older parents who have had no choice, but actively planning it is a different story. Also starting to ttc at 39 could be heartbreaking.