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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I guess my marriage is over

36 replies

Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 21:34

Hi lovely just in need of some advice

After a week of being apart from husband his told me its best we remain apart after i called him to see if things can be sorted. I did tell him last week that maybe we should separate as we just argue cause he's never available for me and LO.

My intention behind my suggestion was that he would get his shit together and understand that we need him present i.e kick in the backside after my response of separation but after today's conversation hes told me its not going to work, you don't understand me i dont understand you, were not right people for eachother. Hes made no effort over the whole week either.

Im very upset he didn't even fight for us. I always try my best with him, forgive and forget, its like his walked all over me

I wasn't prepared, i really though a few days apart may make him see how serious it was that this relationship was falling apart because of him.

I want to know how is single life as a mum is, how do i get over this chapter in our lifes, do single mums cope, will anyone ever love me, Im so scared.

Id love to hear some real advice

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 28/09/2021 22:09

Oh dear. I can't really address the issue of how it happened.. You asked him to think and he did and came up with an answer you weren't expecting. So.. Accept his decision. This means no weeping and wailing, no slagging him off. Unlike in my case (or ex's case really) there's no cheating, noone is a bastard. It happens. Be calm, clear, rational. This has two advantages.. First, you get stuff like money and contact sorted more easily, second, it's really the only thing that just might make him think again. You're capable, in control, woman with a plan. Far more attractive than a needy clinging mess. But don't bank on it. Proceed like it is over. See a solicitor, ask him what he envisages contact wise, start looking at money. Who earns what, what are the assets etc.
As for single parenting....well, I was left for ow with a 3 and a 5 year old. He saw them 4 days a month at first but less now, some years on. My parents are amazing and make it possible for me to work full time. It's hard, I lost my shit tonight because my tweens sat on their butts while I was running around doing all the chores, but we are a tight unit when it counts and he is nowhere. Organisation and routine and planning is key. And as for the future... I have a dp who I met online. Awesome guy, not interested in step parenting. Suits me. I see him mostly apart from the kids, I have a brilliant time of date nights and weekends away with none of the domestic crap. This is a massive change and will be a roller-coaster but that means ups as well as downs. Good luck

Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 22:16

Thank you.. I dont know why but i feel sad abd relieved at the same time now. Its a crazy way to feel. I know its going to hit me again but theres no care for me and i know that for years.. Im glad you have found yourself again... How soon did you let your children see their dad after the split @HugeAckmansWife

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 28/09/2021 22:33

Oh wow.. There was no 'letting'. He's their dad. He was round most days initially. Only when he moved away to ow did it become a set pattern but he can see them whenever he wants. In your case, he might have been a bit hands off but assuming he's willing, I'd push for as close to 50/50 as is reasonable (I don't know what your respective work commitments are).

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 22:39

You’ll be fine.

You told him you wanted to split up and he’s now agreed. If you didn’t want to you shouldn’t have threatened it, that’s playing games.

See a lawyer, file for divorce, agree the practicalities and try to coparent as well you can.

Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:11

Hes always working so im not sure how often it would be.. This is not something we discussed how soon after split did he see kids..? Ours been coming 2 weeks now and not asked @HugeAckmansWife only spoke over the phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:14

I wasn't playing games he gave me silent treatment for days before i said anything. He ignored me so badly that i broke down to say such thing. Told me im the problem @AnneLovesGilbert

OP posts:
Unsure3344 · 28/09/2021 23:17

Well, he may realise that reality is different and he has to have your child for his time alone without you to do it all. If it’s been 2 weeks and he hasn’t even asked to see them, that’s shocking.

It’s not a case of letting him see them, he should be seeing them, and as OP said as close to 50/50 as possible ideally. This affords you both equal responsibility and also means you get your life outside of just ‘mum’ which you will need.

Don’t let him slack off seeing them as and when he pleases, work out a set routine days/times, maintenance he pays if it’s not 50/50.

Try not to do every other weekend unless there is a very good reason to, but don’t do every weekend either so you both get fun time and structured time. Every other weekend and some week time too is ok. Or 50/50 and how this works best for you would depend on lots of things.

He needs his own place suitable to have DC stay over.

It’s hard but you will get your life back and of course someone will love you again and hopefully this time it’ll be better than someone who can’t be bothered to make an effort!

LemonTT · 28/09/2021 23:20

You will be fine a single parent just like a lot of people.

I remember your post and he’s right you don’t work as a couple. There’s no point in making each other miserable when there is a child involved. He had checked out and there was nothing you could have done to change that. He will be very cold towards you because of that.

Dillydollydingdong · 28/09/2021 23:22

Where's he staying? With his parents? It needs to be somewhere suitable for the DC. If so, you phone him and say it's time they spent some time with their dad, and what about it?

Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:25

Thank you of course i want whats best for Lo and even if that means i ask him nicely when he would like to our baby to spend time with. Its just confusing as i never heard of 50/50 before either. I will need to sort it as soon as we are settled.

@Unsure3344

OP posts:
Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:27

I guess we don't sadly.. Cold? Because of what i said @LemonTT

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 28/09/2021 23:29

Sometimes it is better to be alone. It sounds like he has wrecked your confidence. It’ll take time but focus on how nice your life will be without him in it. Honestly there is a whole new life out there waiting for you. You just need time to reflect and move on. Good luck you will be fine xx

Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:31

He hasnt told me where his gone, hes basically not kept any contact with me other than when i called him once to ask what he wants from the relationship, i said we should try communicating better but then he just came up with hes not bothered to make things work and that we move on.. I got quite sad and just hanged up went to bed to be honest @Dillydollydingdong

OP posts:
Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:33

I do feel silly for suggesting the separation but it was only to make him see how bad his silent treatment was effecting me, how bad the no communication was. He wouldn't even seee if me and kids are fine, if id need anything for home. I was in a place of being fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:36

Yes i dont have any confidence. I feel ugly i feel all crappy he knows this well. I was going to shave my hair of due to the frustration of the relationship impacting me as i feel undesirable as he never seems interested in me also. Only sex and thats it Hes well aware i felt like that.. My mistake for making him aware of my feelings @Catlover1970

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 28/09/2021 23:42

Please stop thinking that you did abad or wrong thing by asking him to think. Clearly things weren't working before or you'd not have done that. Marriages end. It's pretty common. It's not a failure, its a new branch on the path. Right now focus on practical issues and the parenting strategy. What happens romantically is way down the list right now

LemonTT · 28/09/2021 23:47

@Leeila21

I guess we don't sadly.. Cold? Because of what i said *@LemonTT*
He will be cold towards you because he had checked out before you left him. He will shut himself off from you emotionally as well as physically.

An example of what I mean is that when you are committed and in love you will comfort your upset partner. When you check out, you will just walk away from them.

The best thing you can do is put up your own barriers. Disengage and only contact him about practical things. Otherwise you are asking for hurt and rejection. Let him tell you what he wants to do about his children.

Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:48

Thank you i really appreciate you. Its true i should think for now and the rest will flow. Me and Lo are my priority right now and whatever is best for our child @HugeAckmansWife

OP posts:
Original poster
Leeila21 · 28/09/2021 23:51

Didn't think of it that way. He must have checked out long-ago. Hes been like this for a while ignores with silent treatment wants me to be even when he's at fault.

Guess that's fair @LemonTT

OP posts:
Mistymoors · 29/09/2021 00:03

It’s really sad when a relationship breaks up but it sounds like this was over a long time ago. You will be absolutely fine as a single parent, been there got the t shirt with three young children in tow ! Lost my fancy house but gained happiness again and I have now been happily remarried for six years. Spend sometime concentrating on you, I remember feeling as if I just existed. Things will get better xx

Original poster
Leeila21 · 29/09/2021 00:11

Thank you for the heads up im really glad you found happiness at the end. Of course i kmow i need a break from all this. Just saddened as i really loved being a family unit even if it was that 20 minutes a day but he should have prioritised his family i will always believe @Mistymoors

OP posts:
SallyAnn32 · 29/09/2021 00:17

OP I feel for you. It's awful becoming a single mum but as others have said, you will find your stride. I was broken for months after my ex left but every day got a little easier and now I find it easier than when he was here. Don't get me wrong it's knackering and you don't get a minute to yourself. I work full time and only one of my children see their dad and that's only every other weekend and one evening each week but you will become your own little tribe and your bond will be so strong. I know it's hard to believe now. People used to say this to me and I remember someone saying you'll look back one day and thank him. I thought ye right he's the love of my life I'll never get over this, but I am getting close to thanking him.

I've met someone new and he's lovely and my children are happy and healthy and that's all that matters. F'ing knackering but also f'ing rewarding!

You'll get there. I still have rough days like today when ex is being a total bell but the good finally outweigh the bad. Xx

SallyAnn32 · 29/09/2021 00:18

@Mistymoors

It’s really sad when a relationship breaks up but it sounds like this was over a long time ago. You will be absolutely fine as a single parent, been there got the t shirt with three young children in tow ! Lost my fancy house but gained happiness again and I have now been happily remarried for six years. Spend sometime concentrating on you, I remember feeling as if I just existed. Things will get better xx
🙌🏻
R0tational · 29/09/2021 08:38

Aww, OP. You will be OK and you deserve better - you deserve love and affection and hopefully you will find it at some point down the line.

layladomino · 29/09/2021 18:52

IME it is so much better to be in a happy and calm single parent home than in a relationship that isn't healthy. There's nowhere so lonely as a bad relationship.

You can cope, of course you can. You don't need a sulky husband, who can't be bothered to make an effort, around. I bet he sucked the life out of you. You can now start re-finding who you are. You will be happier in the long run. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if that hint of relief you feel doesn't grow pretty big before too long.

Your DC will be better with a more together mum and a happy home. You will start to regain your confidence and self-belief. You can live your life how you want to live it.

If you want to, and in time, you might meet someone else. Someone you can have a healthy loving relationship with.

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