I'm having a trauma response over my friend's DV situation. How to support her but make sure I look after myself?

[onewayovertherainbow]

Friend disclosed ongoing DV to me about 4 years ago. I was supportive, listened, challenged gently but never to the point that I would push her away (for e.g. she decided to stay for the sake of the children and I pointed out that it would be damaging to the children).

Anyway, she stayed, I asked now and then how things were. She was always evasive, especially when it came to the impact on the DC - always said they were not impacted.

She was actually about to start doing a regular childcare swap with me when she disclosed the DV (wasn't the reason for disclosure) and I ended the arrangement and refused to allow my DC to visit her house when he was there (he works away a lot).

She was hurt by this and once or twice when I picked up my DC he had arrived home and she hadn't told me. So I stopped my DC going there altogether. I didn't fall out with her about it but I was unhappy.

Anyway, 4 years after the disclosure she has left him. It turns out the kids are utterly traumatised due to what they have seen and heard. She was basically concealing what was happening when I checked in over the years.

He is terrorising her still, the police are being useless. He has been telling the DC that he will kill her (their mother). I explained that this falls under emotional/psychological abuse and the children need to be protected from this. I told her to get advice from SS on this as - apart from anything else - if she is not seen to be keeping them safe from harm she could then be investigated by SS.

She then stopped him having contact with the 8 year old but has allowed him to continue to see the 13 year old. She is from a different culture and doesn't seem to 'get' that 13 years is still a child and all relevant child protection applies, regardless of whether 13 year old wants to see him or not.

Anyway, when I was growing up I experienced severe abuse. And my mother didn't protect me, in fact she enabled it.

I spent 4 years in therapy. I've been out of therapy for a couple of years and I'm doing really well.

But this situation has really triggered me. I have such complicated feelings. I love my friend dearly. I am a feminist and I do not victim-blame.

But there are cracks in her risk assessment re: the children that are hitting on all my feelings about my own mother. She had the police over at the weekend because this lunatic was threatening her and she suggested my DC should come for a sleepover while all that was going on.

It's like she sees but doesn't see what is safe and appropriate at the same time.

How do I support her but keep myself safe emotionally in all of this? I have been clear and factual on her responsibilities as a parent to safeguard her children but emotionally I am in bits. Her children are in a mess and I predicted this four years ago. She wouldn't listen. The abuse is not her fault, it is all his.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I'm a DV survivor as well, and had a very controlling father. In recent years, I had a friend who had a very controlling husband, and I know exactly what you mean about feeling triggered. I hear what you say about not victim blaming, but I also hear your frustration about her failure to keep her children safe. It's absolutely possible to hold those two positions at the same time

I would say a huge well done for recognising those triggers, and for giving thought to your own needs in this situation. There's a lot of pressure on women to think of others at all costs, particularly where the other person is vulnerable. However, you have a duty to yourself, and your sanity, and your well-being. My friendship ended (for a whole range of reasons) and I've got to say that it's a relief not to be party to his control, her passiveness, and what felt to me like a very unhealthy relationship. That's not to say that you should end your friendship, but it's definitely a good idea to give some thought, as you are doing, to the toll this is taking on you. Also from a practical point of view, what sort of 'help' are you willing, or not willing, to offer?

It sounds like your friend needs a lot of support right now but I don’t think you’re the right person to provide it.

Given your own history it’s potentially too undermining to your own well-being and recovery at this point in time. You need to protect yourself.

Thank you so much for your lovely reply lottapianos

She has asked me to help with legal papers, English is not her first language and so written English is hard for and I can absolutely do this. It is practical and not triggering.

I can and will help with childcare if need be and I have given some suggestions of support services for the DC.

She has actually asked for SS to help with the 13 year old. I imagine from the family support bit not the child protection bit, but I am not certain that she understands that this means SS will really be able to scrutinise her as well. This bit feels really triggering and I wondered if I should 'warn' her that she will need to demonstrate that she is doing all she can to keep them safe.

But actually I need a boundary on that one. Social Services can tell her that, that's their job. So I definitely need to stay out of that, and I feel relieved just writing that down has helped me to clarify that part.

I could also try to help her with getting the police to take it more seriously. But I myself actually complained to the police once about their handling of a sexual assault on me and I ended up in a ridiculous 6 month long complaints process with professional standards where at every turn the police covered their own backs. I don''t want to recommend that she complains as I think the same may well happen at all.

So again, I realise having typed it out that I will draw a boundary around that. I gave her the telephpne number for Rights of Women and suggested they advise so I've not done nothing.

I think I need to focus on practical stuff and leave the professional stuff to agenicecs to worry about.

@Donotgogentle

It sounds like your friend needs a lot of support right now but I don’t think you’re the right person to provide it.

Given your own history it’s potentially too undermining to your own well-being and recovery at this point in time. You need to protect yourself.

Thank you donotgo, I needed to hear that

Sounds like your boundaries are really pretty good rainbow, you just need a bit of reassurance with it all! It sounds like you have been a really great friend to her, but there is (and should be) a limit to what you can do for her

oneway it is not victim blaming to say that this woman has a responsibility to her children that she is not fulfilling. That is simply a fact. Her husband is a dangerous abusive man, he is responsible for that and separately she has a responsibility to protect her children from danger even when that danger is their father, she is responsible for that. I understand it is complicated and I understand that abuse affects people psychologically but enabling people in their psychological damage rarely helps anything.

My DH grew up in a violent abusive home. It has affected himself and his siblings enormously and they are still dealing with abuse now and FIL is in his seventies but MIL enables him.

You are allowed to set appropriate boundaries on your friend too for her failing in this situation particularly because of the impact it is having on you too due to your upbringing, that doesn’t make you a bad person.

@Muttly

oneway it is not victim blaming to say that this woman has a responsibility to her children that she is not fulfilling. That is simply a fact. Her husband is a dangerous abusive man, he is responsible for that and separately she has a responsibility to protect her children from danger even when that danger is their father, she is responsible for that. I understand it is complicated and I understand that abuse affects people psychologically but enabling people in their psychological damage rarely helps anything.

My DH grew up in a violent abusive home. It has affected himself and his siblings enormously and they are still dealing with abuse now and FIL is in his seventies but MIL enables him.

You are allowed to set appropriate boundaries on your friend too for her failing in this situation particularly because of the impact it is having on you too due to your upbringing, that doesn’t make you a bad person.

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

A part of me is so, so, so angry at this completely predictable and preventable damage. But I realise that the best way to deal with that is for me not to be a sounding board for it. She needs to speak to professionals about the appropriate help (she has asked me as I'm in the field but that doesn't mean I need the details of what they've been through).

'A part of me is so, so, so angry at this completely predictable and preventable damage'

Hear you, one hundred percent

Step away. You can't support her and look after yourself and your children need you to continue on doing well since your therapy. Don't be afraid to get more if you need to, to deal with the memories and feelings she has brought up. She's failed her children just as your mum failed you.. No wonder this has triggered you.

*She has asked me to help with legal papers, English is not her first language and so written English is hard for and I can absolutely do this. It is practical and not triggering.

I can and will help with childcare if need be and I have given some suggestions of support services for the DC.*

You might be capable of doing it but you're still getting drawn into something that will be hugely damaging for you. There are agencies and professionals that will help her with the practical stuff but you can't save her, and trying to do so is going to hurt you in the long run.

@Feelslikealot

*She has asked me to help with legal papers, English is not her first language and so written English is hard for and I can absolutely do this. It is practical and not triggering.

I can and will help with childcare if need be and I have given some suggestions of support services for the DC.*

You might be capable of doing it but you're still getting drawn into something that will be hugely damaging for you. There are agencies and professionals that will help her with the practical stuff but you can't save her, and trying to do so is going to hurt you in the long run.

You're right, thank you. I needed to hear that.

It's not my job to 'rescue' her. I couldn't do that four years ago and I can't now.

I think I am feeling some level of responsiblility because I have known about it all this time. But actually I haven't known it all, I've known what she chose to tell me and she edited out all of the stuff that affected her children.

She wilfully lied to me and only told me some thing and now she is being honest and I am mixing it all up in my head as though I have any responsibility for any of it. And I don't.

And there is nothing I would have done differently over the last four years than I actually did. Except perhaps tear her a new one for letting that man near my DC.

I think your boundary has to be one that keeps you away from all of this - you need to report the extent of the abuse to the Safeguarding Lead at both children's schools and they can then make sure that the full picture is taken into account, rather than risk having to be part of a Serious Case Review if he goes on to kill her (and maybe the children).

This is for experts, not friends, to help her with. You can't do the best for her and her children by having this responsibility placed upon you - but they can.

I have been here, too.

It’s instinctive to feel you can change the outcome, if you just throw enough of yourself into the situation and help, but the horrible truth is you can’t. I also have been in a position once where because I approached a friend’s situation in a fairly matter of fact way because I have been through it, I accidentally made it feel more normal and acceptable as a situation, and she liked asking me for help because I ‘eased her mind’, which I had NO idea I was doing.

You’ve done everything right, and everything that you can, helping with paperwork and childcare is a perfect way to be caring but with boundaries.

You are going to be triggered by this immensely, in ways that probably won’t be obvious for a while, make sure you’re taking time outs to check in with yourself and your wounded inner child who is probably desperate over this. You’re amazing for what you’ve already done for this friend!

@NeverDropYourMooncup

I think your boundary has to be one that keeps you away from all of this - you need to report the extent of the abuse to the Safeguarding Lead at both children's schools and they can then make sure that the full picture is taken into account, rather than risk having to be part of a Serious Case Review if he goes on to kill her (and maybe the children).

This is for experts, not friends, to help her with. You can't do the best for her and her children by having this responsibility placed upon you - but they can.

Thanks, neverdrop, I've already done as you suggest re making safeguarding reports (she is unaware I've done this as school already knew due to disclosures from her DC). I work in a field linked to child protection and I'm clear that nothing, not even friendship, would stand in the way of protecting children.

Re: serious case reviews I know this sounds too far fetched to be believable but actually I've already experienced a friend lost a child family member to murder by her father. I know exactly how it feels when a child dies and everyone looks around wondering if they could have prevented it. I was one of those people.

Thank you magic, and I'm so sorry you've have a similar experience. I hadnt thought about it but can see exactly what you mean re: normalising it. Abuse is so painful and he is such a gaslighting fucker I know he has messed with her head so much. Appalling.

What a good friend you are

I totally get where you are coming from

But I also know how hard it is to leave these utter bastards

Those poor kids

So sorry to hear you experienced d v in the home also

It is so common
Can't believe how much it is happening

I've been exactly where you are op and I wondered if it was the same person save for the language point. It took another friend to firmly point out I wasn't the right person to support her. And my other friend was right and it kind of gave me license to back right off. I can't be all things to everyone and I feel less bad about it now.

Looking back it was very re traumatising for me.

@Queenie6655

What a good friend you are

I totally get where you are coming from

But I also know how hard it is to leave these utter bastards

Those poor kids

So sorry to hear you experienced d v in the home also

It is so common
Can't believe how much it is happening

Thank you, that's lovely of you.

@bridgeofslides

I've been exactly where you are op and I wondered if it was the same person save for the language point. It took another friend to firmly point out I wasn't the right person to support her. And my other friend was right and it kind of gave me license to back right off. I can't be all things to everyone and I feel less bad about it now.

Looking back it was very re traumatising for me.

I'm sorry you've been through it all, too. Hopefully this thread can be to me what your friend was to you.

It's crept up on me but I've felt very low since hearing all about it on Friday. I had a day off today and planned to go to the gym and out running but I just stayed in bed. It's really taken some of my resources. Time to look after me now.

In addition to what others have said...if you don't withdraw from your friendship, and you have offered childcare you need to consider if her abusive XH knows where you live. I have known this to end very badly.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

In addition to what others have said...if you don't withdraw from your friendship, and you have offered childcare you need to consider if her abusive XH knows where you live. I have known this to end very badly.

He knows where I live, we are practically neighbours. This does scare me a lot.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

In addition to what others have said...if you don't withdraw from your friendship, and you have offered childcare you need to consider if her abusive XH knows where you live. I have known this to end very badly.

The sleepover offer was so triggering.

Straight on the heels of that hideous recent case where the b/f slaughtered the entire family plus a visiting child.

Ok, so I think you need to rethink at least this part of your friendship, sadly.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Ok, so I think you need to rethink at least this part of your friendship, sadly.

Definitely.

Thank you.

accidentally made it feel more normal and acceptable as a situation, and she liked asking me for help because I ‘eased her mind’, which I had NO idea I was doing.

This bit from another poster jumped out at me. There's a reason why your friend is leaning on you instead of professionals and i wonder if this has something to do with it.

Please be kind to yourself. It's no wonder you felt exhausted. Don't force yourself to the gym if you don't feel up to it. That can happen when you have been triggered. I expect your body and mind has gone into fight or flight and it's bloody exhausting. Don't sacrifice yourself for this woman. She clearly wouldn't do the same for you. She's tricked you into allowing your children around this monster. She's no friend of yours.