Friend disclosed ongoing DV to me about 4 years ago. I was supportive, listened, challenged gently but never to the point that I would push her away (for e.g. she decided to stay for the sake of the children and I pointed out that it would be damaging to the children).
Anyway, she stayed, I asked now and then how things were. She was always evasive, especially when it came to the impact on the DC - always said they were not impacted.
She was actually about to start doing a regular childcare swap with me when she disclosed the DV (wasn't the reason for disclosure) and I ended the arrangement and refused to allow my DC to visit her house when he was there (he works away a lot).
She was hurt by this and once or twice when I picked up my DC he had arrived home and she hadn't told me. So I stopped my DC going there altogether. I didn't fall out with her about it but I was unhappy.
Anyway, 4 years after the disclosure she has left him. It turns out the kids are utterly traumatised due to what they have seen and heard. She was basically concealing what was happening when I checked in over the years.
He is terrorising her still, the police are being useless. He has been telling the DC that he will kill her (their mother). I explained that this falls under emotional/psychological abuse and the children need to be protected from this. I told her to get advice from SS on this as - apart from anything else - if she is not seen to be keeping them safe from harm she could then be investigated by SS.
She then stopped him having contact with the 8 year old but has allowed him to continue to see the 13 year old. She is from a different culture and doesn't seem to 'get' that 13 years is still a child and all relevant child protection applies, regardless of whether 13 year old wants to see him or not.
Anyway, when I was growing up I experienced severe abuse. And my mother didn't protect me, in fact she enabled it.
I spent 4 years in therapy. I've been out of therapy for a couple of years and I'm doing really well.
But this situation has really triggered me. I have such complicated feelings. I love my friend dearly. I am a feminist and I do not victim-blame.
But there are cracks in her risk assessment re: the children that are hitting on all my feelings about my own mother. She had the police over at the weekend because this lunatic was threatening her and she suggested my DC should come for a sleepover while all that was going on.
It's like she sees but doesn't see what is safe and appropriate at the same time.
How do I support her but keep myself safe emotionally in all of this? I have been clear and factual on her responsibilities as a parent to safeguard her children but emotionally I am in bits. Her children are in a mess and I predicted this four years ago. She wouldn't listen. The abuse is not her fault, it is all his.