How to deal with 'friend'

[Daisypod]

I have been friends with this woman for about 12 years, quite close at times but since Covid I have cooled off as I realise it's not a good friendship for me. But I'm not sure what to do about letting her know.
A few things I have realised in the last year:
Everything would always be on her terms and she had different friendships groups that were never allowed to mix, so I was a fellow mum friend and although we saw each other a few times a week and most weekends and looked after each other's kids I was never going to be one of her best friends as that was reserved for the three friends she had been best friends with since school. (Always felt that was a bit childish but shrugged it off).
I helped her through years where she had various personal crisis', this was fine I was her friend and happy to help. I had kids at the drop of the hat, even in the middle of the night, stocked up her freezer with home made meals, drove her around and was a shoulder to cry on. When Covid hit I was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and my husband lost his job, she offered no support at all and still hasn't to this day.
Since the end of lockdown she has contacted me a few times, firstly to ask when she was going to be coming to ours for social occasions so she could put it in the diary, then to arrange a sleep over for her kids (started the call with ' my kids have been hassling me to have a sleep over with yours, are they free this weekend? When I replied yes she asked when she could drop hers over!). Finally she rang me just before her birthday, told me all the plans for going out then asked if I could babysit, I couldn't go because her 'best friends' were going.
Through lock down I offered meet up for walks with her but she never wanted too. I took my baby to see her on her doorstep as she had made such a fuss of wanting to see her but she never came to me.
She now wants to come over one evening to have food and a drink, it's better to come here as we have a baby so difficult to go to hers according to her. Also the last time we organised this she then said on the day she would have to leave early as she had a date but the kids could stay! I realised the last time we had been invited to hers for dinner was 10 years ago!
Anyway, sorry this is so long. I am tempted to tell her why I no longer wants to socialise, that I am fed up being good enough to have her kids but not be invited out for nights out. Would I be a horrible bitch? On the other hand I no longer want this friendship and if I don't say anything nothing will change.
What do I do?

She is using you. Sorry this happened.
Distance yourself and be busy if she calls. Have a list of 5 excuses ready and have no more dealings with her. Good luck.

She sounds truly appalling! Either screen calls and always be busy (I except she’ll push and challenge you) or tell her that you’ve realised that it’s not a two-way friendship and you are feeling used. I imagine she’ll argue with that though. You’ll have to be firm either way.

I have tried avoiding and being busy but she messages dh to ask if I'm upset with her. I imagine it's a shock after me being a doormat for so long.
I think I'm going to have to face it, maybe a letter?

Don't write a letter.

When she asks, just say that you are not free to babysit. If she suggests sleepovers, say that you do not feel like hosting. If she wants to meet up ( and you can be bothered to), suggest half an hour at a coffee shop.

She'll soon drop you.

She messages your husband to ask if you are upset? And he engages back? Ugh. Drop that shit right now. She sounds hideous. Back away somehow.

I'd just say a simple 'No thanks' any time she suggests meeting up. Don't bother to explain yourself.

When you look back on stuff like this, it always feels better to say 'She kept pissing me off, so I walked away with dignity' than 'I stormed off, leaving her with a list of everything she'd ever done wrong.'

She hasn't respected you, but you must.

I agree with spotcheck - no letter. (A letter invites drama, can be shown around to other mutual friends, and it most likely to be misinterpreted and will definitely cause offence.)

Just continue doing what you're doing, and tell DH to ignore her messages if she contacts him.

To build on spotcheck's suggestion, if she persists with requests to socialise with you, turn it round and suggest something that will mean an effort for her. Examples:

Her kids are bothering her for a sleepover with yours? Well, it's gonna be hard for you to manage a sleepover with a new baby, but you could drop the older kids off at hers instead this Saturday. And honestly, you'd welcome the break.

Dinner at your place? Oooh, we'd love to see you, but new baby means we're really not up for fancy entertaining, but how about you come over and pick up a takeaway on the way? Cheap and cheerful.

Turn it round on her. Every Time. She'll soon stop bothering you.

Excellent plan, Posting, only I wouldn’t offer to pick up a takeaway!

@Daisypod

I have tried avoiding and being busy but she messages dh to ask if I'm upset with her. I imagine it's a shock after me being a doormat for so long. I think I'm going to have to face it, maybe a letter?

Will he ignore her if you ask him to?

It's really rude of her to go via him.

Don't write a letter. Telling her all about your interpretation of her is just fuel for the drama fire, and you won't be glad you did it.

She's doing just enough to ensure you'll have her kids when she wants you to.

Start saying no.

Just be unavailable - telling people home truths about themselves never achieves anything. It would just descend into an ugly squabble.

She is a bad friend, so you don't need to worry too much about being tactful. Just "No, I can't - we're busy that day. Have fun though!"

Also bear in mind that you won't be her only friend she uses in this way. When you stop giving her what she wants, she'll stop bothering you and bother somebody else.

Milk and two sugars? You've been treated like a mug.

Just silently withdraw from contact.

Definitely sounds like one of those people who is friendly mainly to get free childcare.

You have to be consistent as such people are very thick-skinned. You don't need to execute a high-profile bust up but you do need to gently turn down the volume on the friendship (so-called) until she gives up and moves on.

Remember always that she would have no hesitation turning you down (and already does).

If you writes to you asking for one of her free childcare catch ups you can say:

• baby's not that well
• bad night sleep/exhausted
• can you get back to her?
• get back and say sorry, exhausted.
• busy with work/a lot on right now. Have fun though!! XX

Be friendly/polite/vague/distracted/slightly boring. She will eventually give up and pay for a babysitter like normal people.

Alternatively hang in there until you get to mid-40s and surprise everyone with how bluntly you say not to their nonsense and cheeky requests after years of people pleasing and helping out. (speaking from experience)

@greenmarlin

Definitely sounds like one of those people who is friendly mainly to get free childcare.

You have to be consistent as such people are very thick-skinned. You don't need to execute a high-profile bust up but you do need to gently turn down the volume on the friendship (so-called) until she gives up and moves on.

Remember always that she would have no hesitation turning you down (and already does).

If you writes to you asking for one of her free childcare catch ups you can say:

• baby's not that well
• bad night sleep/exhausted
• can you get back to her?
• get back and say sorry, exhausted.
• busy with work/a lot on right now. Have fun though!! XX

Be friendly/polite/vague/distracted/slightly boring. She will eventually give up and pay for a babysitter like normal people.

Alternatively hang in there until you get to mid-40s and surprise everyone with how bluntly you say not to their nonsense and cheeky requests after years of people pleasing and helping out. (speaking from experience)

100% this approach. You could also add in cheeky replies like “I’m not up for hosting this time but you’re right, the kids would love to have a sleepover so let me know when suits you to have mine come over for the night”

Never trust someone who purposely always keeps you separate from other people in their life. Either they are a different person with those people and don't want you to know it or they want you to feel like you're a secondary friend who should be thankful for any crumbs of their time.

magnoliabeige I adore those kinds of replies (I learned them on here) but have never truly had the nerve to send one. Building up to it....

I hope you said a big fat NO to all of those requests?! She's a massive user and I'm flabbergasted how someone can be such a cf

I would message her and say upon reflection your friendship has become very one sided and you don't want to pursue it. Unless you still want to be friends with her? I can't imagine why

Rereading your thread I see you don't want to continue the friendship, so I see no harm in being honest and messaging her explaining:

• it's a one sided friendship
• she's using you for free childcare
• you're second best to her more 'important' friends
• she hasn't supported you during difficult times and have made them all about herself
• BYE!

@greenmarlin

magnoliabeige I adore those kinds of replies (I learned them on here) but have never truly had the nerve to send one. Building up to it....

I managed it once when a school mum kept asking me to take their kid to school and never offered to help me out when she knew I struggled myself some days - I replied once with “funnily enough I was about to ask you to take mine tomorrow so looks like we can help each other out”, she rarely asked me again!

OMG NO LETTER !!!!

follow the good sound advice on here 🌸

@Daisypod

I have tried avoiding and being busy but she messages dh to ask if I'm upset with her. I imagine it's a shock after me being a doormat for so long. I think I'm going to have to face it, maybe a letter?

It’s so inappropriate for her to contact your DH and no even asking if you’re ok… it’s all about her.

I would just ghost now or be so vague & non committal. She’ll get bored and find someone else to babysit her kids.

Forget her as a friend. She's no friend. She has simply used you as free childcare for years. No need to make any excuses. Don't give her any explanations.

She asks to come over for dinner, She asks you to have her kids over- 'no, that doesn't suit me' and just repeat every time she asks until she gets the message that you are no longer a doormat for her.

Oh and tell your Dh to block her number. She's not your friend so she certainly doesn't need his number to start annoying him.

@greenmarlin already mid forties and trying to perfect that 😉
Thank you all for your advice. I shall just continue being unavoidable and tell dh to try to not get involved. Easier said than done as she is very persistent!
It's not just childcare she uses us for, we've been on many a night out or she's come to our parties but like I say if she plans stuff it has to be mum specific friends for me to be invited 🙄
I really do want to tell her as she will have no clue but your all right it would make things worse. She's one of those people who says they are so empathetic but is completely self absorbed as never actually knows what's going on with me.

Shes not your friend, shes basically used you as free child care for years. Stop being a doormat by letting this woman walk all over you