How to deal with 'friend'

[Daisypod]

I have been friends with this woman for about 12 years, quite close at times but since Covid I have cooled off as I realise it's not a good friendship for me. But I'm not sure what to do about letting her know.
A few things I have realised in the last year:
Everything would always be on her terms and she had different friendships groups that were never allowed to mix, so I was a fellow mum friend and although we saw each other a few times a week and most weekends and looked after each other's kids I was never going to be one of her best friends as that was reserved for the three friends she had been best friends with since school. (Always felt that was a bit childish but shrugged it off).
I helped her through years where she had various personal crisis', this was fine I was her friend and happy to help. I had kids at the drop of the hat, even in the middle of the night, stocked up her freezer with home made meals, drove her around and was a shoulder to cry on. When Covid hit I was pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and my husband lost his job, she offered no support at all and still hasn't to this day.
Since the end of lockdown she has contacted me a few times, firstly to ask when she was going to be coming to ours for social occasions so she could put it in the diary, then to arrange a sleep over for her kids (started the call with ' my kids have been hassling me to have a sleep over with yours, are they free this weekend? When I replied yes she asked when she could drop hers over!). Finally she rang me just before her birthday, told me all the plans for going out then asked if I could babysit, I couldn't go because her 'best friends' were going.
Through lock down I offered meet up for walks with her but she never wanted too. I took my baby to see her on her doorstep as she had made such a fuss of wanting to see her but she never came to me.
She now wants to come over one evening to have food and a drink, it's better to come here as we have a baby so difficult to go to hers according to her. Also the last time we organised this she then said on the day she would have to leave early as she had a date but the kids could stay! I realised the last time we had been invited to hers for dinner was 10 years ago!
Anyway, sorry this is so long. I am tempted to tell her why I no longer wants to socialise, that I am fed up being good enough to have her kids but not be invited out for nights out. Would I be a horrible bitch? On the other hand I no longer want this friendship and if I don't say anything nothing will change.
What do I do?

Deffo turn it round on her.. see what she says

Next time she messages your husband he should reply "yes you have upset her! Shes fed up of being your unpaid skivvy/babysitter!"

[quote Daisypod]@greenmarlin already mid forties and trying to perfect that 😉
Thank you all for your advice. I shall just continue being unavoidable and tell dh to try to not get involved. Easier said than done as she is very persistent!
It's not just childcare she uses us for, we've been on many a night out or she's come to our parties but like I say if she plans stuff it has to be mum specific friends for me to be invited 🙄
I really do want to tell her as she will have no clue but your all right it would make things worse. She's one of those people who says they are so empathetic but is completely self absorbed as never actually knows what's going on with me.[/quote]
I'm sure I read recently, possibly on MN, that people who claim to be empathetic, are actually narcissists and want to turn everything around to themselves. As in your suffering becomes theirs. I think anyway.

Oh God I knew a woman like this when DC were small. So manipulative! Just be unavailable. She'll eventually get the message. It's unbelievable how cheeky some people are. I struggled to believe someone could actually be so awful, so delayed cutting ties. But yep, there are people out there who just take, take, take when it comes to free childcare.

Every time she suggests meeting up for childcare, suggest going to hers. Ask when your kids are invited for a sleepover.

Otherwise just ghost her. Only way. I know it can be considered horrible but in the end she is treating you dreadfully to start with.

I’d be telling her to fuck off once and for all, and I am very much a people pleaser and conflict avoidant. 12 years of her being a taker, it’s about time she was told. Would your husband not spell it out to her if you don’t feel you can?

Personally I wouldn't be unavailable when she gets in touch I'd be demanding favours.

My house won't work but I'll drop the kids to yours, DH and I could do with a night to ourselves, thanks.
I am in no humour for cooking so we will come to yours.
And so on.

You’ve been used. It stops now. No letter. You are never going to win this one and she’s never going to change. She has a comfort blanket of 3 old mates so she doesn’t need anyone else. It means she can pick you up and drop you like a stone whenever it suits her. Time to cut off and find a new friend. Learn from this. I had to do the same. I don’t make friends with anyone who grew up in the area as they’ve already got too many old friends to have time for new friends. Anyone with a big NCT group that is still going once kids start primary school is a big fat no. Anyone who does not invite back after at least 3 times of coming to your house gets dropped. You need to set firm boundaries. You are a good person and a brilliant mate. I’d love to have a mate who stocked my fridge. Value yourself. It’s her loss.

twoandeights

Lots of sense there

I love these replieS. She is so using you! Your baby is the perfect excuse - just tell her you are very tired or you have made plans for a girls night out next time she calls!! X

@twoandeights

You’ve been used. It stops now. No letter. You are never going to win this one and she’s never going to change. She has a comfort blanket of 3 old mates so she doesn’t need anyone else. It means she can pick you up and drop you like a stone whenever it suits her. Time to cut off and find a new friend. Learn from this. I had to do the same. I don’t make friends with anyone who grew up in the area as they’ve already got too many old friends to have time for new friends. Anyone with a big NCT group that is still going once kids start primary school is a big fat no. Anyone who does not invite back after at least 3 times of coming to your house gets dropped. You need to set firm boundaries. You are a good person and a brilliant mate. I’d love to have a mate who stocked my fridge. Value yourself. It’s her loss.

This is so true. These kinds of 'friends' take up so much energy and don't leave any room for decent friends. And yes you have done enough for this women, fade out gracefully and enjoy the peace.