Has anyone had therapy to help their sex life with DH?

[Jaguarshoes]

I’ve lost all desire for sex with my DH, but I don’t think it’s my libido that needs ‘fixing’. I just don’t fancy him anymore. He has a high sex drive so this is causing lots of problems in our relationship. Has anyone successfully managed to overcome this in their relationship?

I think you need to reflect on why you don't fancy him anymore. What did he used to do that he doesn't now? Has he changed in appearance? Can you see yourself fancying him again?

Sometimes a relationship simply runs its course. If you don’t fancy him that is a big indicator. Do or could you fancy someone else? If so It’s not a medical issue. Why bother going through therapy to make your fancy someone you’ve become bored of?

What is often underestimated is the importance of feeling desired in a relationship. It creates the life, energy, optimism, confidence and spark that propels us. Without it, people can lose confidence, self esteem, and happiness. Over time they become moody, lethargic, lazy, depressed and withdrawn. Then the problem becomes about far more than just sex. But sex remains a good barometer of relationship health.
Unfortunately- keeping the spark alive requires tension, and most relationships fall into a comfort zone where a partner is taken forgranted. Novelty and attention from others soon becomes more inviting and as someone loses desire it creates anxiety in their partner which pushes them further away. Add to that the small resentments that can build and the general drudgery of average life and things can slowly turn sour.
So often the answer is to rediscover each other - as individuals, with choices and actions and qualities and value which attract you. There are often things people can do to recapture this - if they only knew they needed to. It's really positive that you are recognising this downturn in desire - the question is whether you want to resolve things in yourself and your partner?

BrendaBubbles, we have children together and married a long time so I suppose that would be why I’d want to ‘bother’ trying.

Seadad, I agree with all those things you mention and that could be a factor. I think the lockdown has really put a lid on things even though it wasn’t great before, it’s definitely worse than ever now. I understand that with a lot of work and therapy it could help but I would love to hear about the experience from people who have actually successfully done this.

@seadad I don't agree that "keeping the spark alive requires tension". Most sex in an LTR is routine, scratching your itch and that of your DP. But sometimes you go the extra mile and have a really special session, do it in a new place perhaps or try a new technique. Its a bit like eating, most of the time it's just food, meets a need, but sometimes you make a special effort, go out to a nice restaurant etc. But routine sex is better than no sex, just as routine food is better than no food.

I think you need to focus on what you used to "fancy" about your DH and why you don't now - has he changed in some way? Or have you changed in some way? Could those changes be reversed? Do you ever talk about your sex life? Is there something specific he could do to help?

OP - kids, long marriage, lockdown - any of these on their own can change sexual dynamics between the couple. All thrown in together is a powerful mix.

If you do want to ‘bother’ - I think you don’t necessarily start with sex therapy. I don’t think it’s as simple as doing some exercises and boom the magic is back.

Libido in a woman is a complex issue. It isnt only dependent on our partner’s attractiveness. It is equally possible that you might but a bit down in general. I’d start with a some sort of check up for you - both mentally and physically. You may be depressed, or run down. Or your hormones may be playing up.

Do you feel sexual attraction/urges directed at other men? If yes - then, it is your H that’s an issue. If no - then something else is going on.
Couple’s therapy can also be quite helpful as any underlying resentments can also be affecting it all.
Finally - have a look at the book called ‘Mating in Captivity’. Actually - you H may benefit from it as well. It talks about sex in long term marriages and how to maintain interest/desire agains the backdrop of familiarity and boredom.

But routine sex is better than no sex, just as routine food is better than no food.

It’s not really comparable because food is a need.

I think I’m definitely worn out after the last 18 months (what parent wouldn’t be) but in hindsight this was brewing before. It’s not like a switch has flicked, it has been just an undercurrent I suppose and for longer than I can even begin to even admit to myself. I am getting some support to try and figure things out but I would really like to hear from others who may have been able to pull their relationship back from the brink.

I do sometimes feel attraction to others, and they are physically very different to my DH. They’d be much more what I’d consider my ‘type’ but I never really considered looks that important compared to personality when it came to husband material. I do think DH is good looking, actually getting better with age, but I think I was always mostly attracted to his lovely and kind personality. I don’t remember ever being desperate to rip his clothes off even though I did enjoy sex for the first few years…then came the children. Since then he has always wanted it more; however often we do it, he’d like more. A quick straw poll amongst friends tells me we do have it more often than most.

It would be such a good AMA topic

Any 45 - 60 year olds in long term marriages who had therapy to get their sex life back ... roll up, roll up.

I think the truth is that frequency declines and desire declines, and that's normal and not an indicator that the relationship is doomed particularly. It is just the natural progression of things.

OP - the more you wrote the more it sounds like it’s not the lack libido problem. By the sound of it you have regular sex, just not with frequency your H prefers. It seems possible that his expectations are somewhat not realistic.
Have you had frank conversations about any of that? Relationship, sex, what you want and need, both of you?
Not arguments over (lack of) sex, but actual conversations?

What you are describing is quite common. Women are driven to pick partners to settle down with - based on different criteria than those we pick for a wild night of passion. In some ideal world, of course, one man fulfils all of our criteria. But more often than not we pick a man we think will be a good father who will provide and stick around. This isn’t necessarily conscious, just a force of evolution.
So - your H not being your usual ‘type’ - doesn’t necessarily mean doom to your relationship. Your ‘type’ wasn’t necessarily relationship material, back in the day, I am guessing.
So - it is possible that both you and your H need to do some soul searching and talking to each other.

The best place to do this is with a professional.

Since then he has always wanted it more; however often we do it, he’d like more.

Does he nag for it? I had a partner once who said I should see a doctor for my libido. But it wasn't a problem for me. He would say 'I deserve it' 'I'll just be a few minutes' and in other ways be manipulative and coercive, including raping me while I was drunk and/or asleep. It took me qite a while to realize that was rape. He told me to come off my prescribed medication to help my 'low libido'- I just got really depressed then so he didn't get any more sex than he would've if I'd stayed on the meds. He stormed out, sulked etc if I wasn't a sexual performing seal when he wanted.

I stopped finding him physically attractive anyway, but the nagging definitely didn't help. I'm just mentioning all this in case any of it resonates with you.

Definitely seeing a 'sex therapist' IMHO won't help someone who has nothing wrong with them they just don't particularly fancy their partner, have a lower libido than there partner (but might not have so low a libido if they were single/with someone more suited to them) and is being nagged or subtly/not-so-subtly pressured.

I also had another partner who suggested I see a therapist to learn to like a sex act he liked and I didn't. I actually spoke to a therapist and they said it'd be a waste of money as I didn't have a problem when it comes to that, I just didn't like that particular thing.

Men can be coercive in all sorts of ways. Even making it clear he wants it more frequently creates a pressure on you to 'put out' more often than you want.

I'd be interested to know how much pressure he puts on you to have more sex than you actually want too OP, nothing kills my desire to do it more than being pestered for/guilted about it.

Rules for men with higher libido than their DW

1 understand that you will have to take no for an answer sometimes
2 make sure she enjoys it every time, always comply with her requests in terms of technique etc
3 tell her how good it is both during and after, say thank you
4 discuss your sex life regularly, not always during the act, make sure she has no issues
5 keep up the w@nking 😁

Yes and we ended up separating then divorcing because it made me realise that I didn't have a low sex drive I just didn't want to have sex with him.

I think you need to properly address the issues that sex represents to decide if therapy can help - and it is a two way thing he will have to do his part as well not just you.

Resentment is pouring out from your posts - that you do everything and have sex with him (more than your friends) and it still isnt good enough for him. Changing you wont help that - unless he is willing to address these issues it is dead in the water. You cant save this by yourself.

Have you communicated this to him at all. Does he recognise there are issues and wants to work on it too

@Anothernick

Rule number 5 ‘ keep up the w@nking 😁’
Would be a big reason for my lose of attraction and respect for him if he was using porn . Especially if he was snarky about it or was one of those creeps who just says I don’t mention it but I’m sure my wife knows
Unless a guy is upfront and his partner is 100percent ok with it I’d suggest he be very aware many women will find this a massive turn off in a man
Feeling desired can often be a huge part of libido for many women . Hard to feel desired when he’s jacking off to omen online. Yuk.

I think men need to think carefully before taking that advice

Not snarky , sneaky about it

@Jaguarshoes
You mention being attracted to his personality and that his looks are good . Has his kindness or personality changed in any way considering these were the things that attracted you and you no longer feel it

I really hope you manage to resolve this @Jaguarshoes of course you want to rekindle your desire for your husband but i think it's going to be really difficult - and honestly I think it will be difficult to find someone who's done it. I really believe once the desire has gone it's virtually impossible to get it back. You may hear this referred to as "getting the ick."
I was also married a long time and had children. Lost all desire for my husband. I used to think the problem was all me - and that there was something wrong with me for not wanting him in a sexual way (I thought it was the right thing to do etc)
Anyway - we used to row about it - we eventually started couples counselling the original idea was we would start with relationship counselling and then move on to sexual therapy afterwards.
Unfortunately for us we didn't make it that far - after some individual sessions - and joint ones it became clear that I had been sexually coersed for years - sex has become a habit years ago and i was simply fulfilling his needs. Looking back now I really don't know how I stayed married to him for as long as i did.

Sadly for us things ended fairly quickly and dramatically in divorce - once I started to see his behaviour for what it was his manipulation escalated not just in the bedroom but in all aspects of our lives and I realised he was emotionally abusing me.

I really hope this doesn't happen to you I wish you the very best of luck.

On the flipside it turns out there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with me (I genuinely thought the lack of desire was all my fault and somehow there was something wrong with me). There really wasn't anything - I had multiple hormone tests confirming I wasn't menopausal and now years later I have a very active sex life with a new partner - that side of things has been an absolute revelation!

@Greencarpet I don't think w*king necessarily is the same as using porn! I think w*nking for a man or women is a perfectly normal and natural thing to be doing - weather in a relationship or not TBH. porn use is an entirely different issue.

@Bypassed21
‘@Greencarpet I don't think w*king necessarily is the same as using porn! I think w*nking for a man or women is a perfectly normal and natural thing to be doing - weather in a relationship or not TBH. porn use is an entirely different issue.’

Totally agree there’s nothing wrong with wanking however knowing that porn seems to go hand in hand with ranking for many men it’s worth noting they may be very bad advice depending on how the wife feels about it , especially if the man ‘ fails to be open ‘ about their use of it or lies

Thanks everyone. I don’t think he’s changed really. I like to be active and out and about whereas he’s a homebody and would like to spend hours cuddling on the sofa, it makes me restless but I think he’s always been like that.

I do feel pressure because I can tell he gets frustrated - it’s like the pressure builds and he needs a release, he doesn’t necessarily say anything but I can feel it. He feels rejected also, understandably.

I don’t think he’s manipulating or controlling but he does keep track of my cycle only for the purpose of planning sex, this really irritates me. He wants more affection generally but I always feel like that then leads to wanting more so I don’t enjoy that either. I should feel sexy and desires but I actually feel more objectified than anything. He looks at me longingly when I’m in the shower or in my underwear and it just makes me want to cover up!

I do believe there is resentment and lots of other things underlying - I’m not sure which came first if I’m honest but I am seeing a therapist to get clarity before I take the next step to talk to him. We are not that great at talking about this, the sex has been discussed before and the only solution seems to be that we must have it more. When we do, everything is great - at least I think he thinks so. But recently I can’t even pretend to enjoy it anymore. If we didn’t have kids I’d be much more able to just bring it out in the open I think, I’m just worried it’s the beginning of the end if I do. I am mostly upset for the children, it breaks my heart to think of shattering their reality.

Bypassed 21 I’m so sorry to hear things ended in divorce for you but it’s encouraging to hear you now seem very happy. Do you mind me asking about your kids, how have they fared?

tell her how good it is both during and after, say thank you

“Thank you”? It’s something both participants should be doing for shared enjoyment, the man doesn’t need to thank the woman like she’s doing a favour.

When you've lost attraction to someone there isn't really a way to magic it back.

Counselling is pretty pointless unless you're willing to be honest about the real issue, and it doesn't sound as if you are.