Has anyone had therapy to help their sex life with DH?

[Jaguarshoes]

I’ve lost all desire for sex with my DH, but I don’t think it’s my libido that needs ‘fixing’. I just don’t fancy him anymore. He has a high sex drive so this is causing lots of problems in our relationship. Has anyone successfully managed to overcome this in their relationship?

The problem seems to stem from a lack of communication and him or you perceiving him to sulk and your relationship been good relying on sex

But it can’t be that way not and survive a good relationship cannot have it’s foundations in sex. Sex should come from a good relationship. Predicating everything on sex makes you resentful and causes an imbalance and you to not want it

You do need to get clarity I think and then talk to him but about what YOU want and not him to build the foundations first

Counterintuitively often taking sex out of the equation helps here with the provision that you are doing so in order to create the good relationship without pressure and expectation

I do believe there is resentment and lots of other things underlying - I’m not sure which came first if I’m honest but I am seeing a therapist to get clarity before I take the next step to talk to him. We are not that great at talking about this, the sex has been discussed before and the only solution seems to be that we must have it more. When we do, everything is great - at least I think he thinks so. But recently I can’t even pretend to enjoy it anymore

Well there’s your answer - you knew it all along.

1. You resent him for his behaviour towards you and his disregard of your feelings.
2. He won’t talk about sex or listen to your perspective.
3. He won’t compromise on frequency, he is always moaning that it’s never enough.
4. When you do have sex it’s rubbish for you but he doenst care.
5. He leers at you in the shower.
6. He can’t even be affectionate without expecting sex.
7. He sits at home on the sofa every night.

My vagina is clamping shut just typing this list, let alone living like this .

but I am seeing a therapist to get clarity before I take the next step to talk to him

I think this is a good first step. You definately shouldnt be having sex you don't want and this will probably also compound your ick iyswim.

Understandably you are avoiding the 'beginning of the end' but you can't keep this up forever, it's not fair on either of you.

I had something similar with my now exH.
With time and arrival of children the differences in our personalities slowly started to be more noticeable. And with time possibly created resentments on both sides.
That lead to me distancing myself and losing most sexual desire.
And like with you I didn’t want anything affectionate in daily life either (cuddling including), as in my mind it was all like a foreplay, and only potentially leading to sex I didn’t want.
Which in turn created the same dynamic of me feeling like I am constantly trying to avoid his advances; him feeling disappointed; etc.
He also thought we need to just do it more and my desire will come back.
That of course lead to issues between us becoming deeper and eventually it all fell apart.
I have been divorced for over a year now. Kids adjusted. I am happier in many ways.

However, while improving some parts of life, divorce with kids does create its own new issues. And co-parenting with a bitter ex-spouse is challenging. And kids are of course affected by it all.

So - while not regretting the divorce itself so do at times regret not trying harder to do something about our issues years ago when we could have possibly changed the trajectory of where we were going. Or, maybe, how fast we were going there. I think any relationship with issues has a point of no return. After we past it - divorce was the only option.
Question is - have you reached it yet. If not - trying relationship counselling is one thing that can possibly help.

OP, is it sex you have gone off, or just sex with him? Do you still have a libido, still masturbate, still fantasise?
I get the feeling from your post and updates that your DH doesn’t actually “have sex with you” - he “does sex to you.”
In other words, he uses your body for the gratification of his desires. You are an object.
And when you don’t want sex, you are an inconvenient object and he is annoyed in the same way he would be if the washing machine broke down.
If he actually cared about your wishes, made you feel respected and loved rather than just lusted over, I think things would be different.
It is often only after children and the passage of years, that women begin to assert their own needs, or realise that their DH has never really considered his wife’s sexual pleasure at all.
Sex is rarely just about sex. It is an indicator of the state of the relationship. And I think yours is in trouble.

Thank you for all your responses. I am building up to relationship counselling, I think I misunderstood the purpose of sex therapy and in fact it’s relationship counselling we need.

Imogen, he is not ‘leering’ at me, insensitive or any of those things you mention. He would love to make me happy and would try anything I asked him to, he does really care, and he is not moaning. Hard to put it across properly in text. He also isn’t sitting around like a couch potato - he’s just happy at home. He’s very domesticated and really pulls his weight in that respect. I should be so grateful, really.

Babdoc, unfortunately it’s just sex with him I don’t want. He does respect and love me, his solution to this seems to be to buy more sex toys so that I might feel more pleasure. I enjoy using them alone 🙈🙈🙈

Stop with the grateful bit - you dont need to be grateful at all that is not your role as a wife.

Buying sex toys doesnt show respect because the root of all of this is I think he doesnt listen to you, he doesnt get you he just sees a version of you that he has created and that has put you off.

But I think you need to be realistic that there may be no coming back from this

I could have written your post 6 years ago. We had counselling. It brought up the fact that I was desperate for emotional intimacy, and he just wanted physical intimacy. And wasn’t prepared to “change” into someone who didn’t repress his emotions. It hadn’t been a problem for us when we were young and carefree and filling our lives with travel and experiences or when we were both very busy with smaller kids and jobs but as the kids started to need me less I realised there was no real closeness between us, and he was fine with that.

We divorced. Kids were 12/14. They coped brilliantly and have good relationships with both of us - they talk to me, they go to try football with their Dad and accept that he doesn’t do emotions.

And I met someone else and for 2 years had the most amazing sex of my life. We once did it 7 times in one day. We now live together and are ridiculously happy - having less sex than that - because we are old and it’s a bit exhausting. But still easily 2/3 times a week and when it hasn’t happened for a while he doesn’t ever make me feel pressured or guilty. He never thinks sex is something I “should” be doing. And he’s emotionally connected to me in a way I (with my own history of screwed up families) didn’t realise was possible but was what I’d been searching for my whole life.

Oh MrsMcGarry this gives me so much hope. 💐

Hmm yes, buying unsolicited sex toys is a humiliating thing to do, guaranteed to kill desire. What is he saying? You can't do it for me but try this toy? Or perhaps I can't do it for you but maybe this toy can? In either case makes the problem much worse and suggests he has completely self-centred view of the OP as a partner.

Re 'thanking' a woman for sex.... that suggests that sex is a gift that a woman gives a man, for his pleasure, something she's giving up for him. Which isn't the case in a good relationship.

Sex should be a mutually enjoyable activity. Both there to please themselves and their partner. Both ensuring the other person enjoys it as much as themselves. Noone sacrificing or giving up or doing anything they don't want to do. No Thank You necessary.

OP - like MrsMcGarry I have also met someone else and the relationship is intensely physical and not something I have experienced with my ExH.
However - I do also wonder if it’s largely because we haven’t gone through years of having small children and we have no accumulated issues/resentments.

I'm not really sure if counselling can make you fancy someone you don't fancy anymore.

This is a common problem for many couples and I think it’s because the desire for that other person wasn’t really that strong in the first place. A lot of people don’t marry a person they really fancy. They settle for a nice dependable person. I have only really really fancied around 3 people in my life in a rip your clothes off type of way. One I had sex with every day for the 8 years we were together, even on the day he left me. Problem with him was he obviously fancied someone else too when I only had eyes for him. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other even when arguing etc. I look at him now and still fancy him even though he left me. Very powerful chemicals with that one and since then two others but they were not reciprocated.