A white lie?

[Coconutstory]

I’ve been dating a man for 6 weeks. Feel really compatible and we get on amazingly. Never felt this kind of connection before but I’m not rushing into anything. I’m 45. He’s 40.

He is renovating a house and said he is staying with his mum until roof on etc. I’ve not been to the house yet.
He has mentioned that he gets on well with his ex wife. They split 2 years ago.
I asked if he stays at the ex wife’s and he said no he doesn’t. I specifically asked him and he denied it
I have found out tonight that he is sleeping at her house. He said on the sofa.
We’ve spent a whole weekend together and now this.
I don’t feel angry or upset that he sleeps there but I just feel sick.
I wish he had been honest and said.
Any advice?

Chances are he told his "ex wife" that he was working away or some shit while he spent the weekend with you

This man feels entitled to tell you bald-faced lies. Is lying a dealbreaker for you? It would be for me.

How did you find out?

I drove past and his car was there and I rang him. He denied it at first then admitted it

Did you deliberately drive by to check?

If you did then you need to realise that if you're doing that at 6 weeks in then that is an extremely bad sign, even if he hadn't been lying!

It’s not great, is it? Also, you probably suspected given you just happened to drive past her house. Is that how you want to feel all the time?

If honesty is important to you, then end it.

He's just proved that not only he is a liar, but that he'll keep lying until his hand is forced.

If he's a good shag then sure keep him as a fuck buddy but don't expect anything from him emotionally.

Thanks for your replies.

There's clearly unfinished business if he's staying there and you only have his word that he's staying on the sofa. I'm afraid I'd be walking away just for the lie as there's clearly other things he's not telling you too.

That’s the concerning thing. He lied about being there. Is he on the sofa or not? Who knows.
I’ve been lied to before and it always ends badly :/

So you'll stay with him then ?

This sounds dodgy to me. Why have you not been to his house?

I don’t think I can stay with him. Not when it’s only 6 weeks in and this. Shame as I thought he was great but when things start to unravel, not so much.

I know I’m worth more than to be lied to.
I think cut my losses and run might be the best approach.

@Coconutstory

That’s the concerning thing. He lied about being there. Is he on the sofa or not? Who knows. I’ve been lied to before and it always ends badly :/

Then you know you deserve better.

You would be wilfully naive to believe he's on the sofa.

The problem is that chemistry and excitement can make any of us overlook glaring red flags way too easily. For me, this would be a dealbreaker. He’s shown that he has no problem lying, or that this is the first option in his head when he panics.

My three dealbreakers for dating are lying, temper tantrums, or feeling like something is off (even if I can’t put my finger on it).

It’s a bummer but at least this has happened early on for you. I’d pass on this one myself.

Nah I’d end it. 6 weeks in and he’s already lying, the explanation doesn’t matter, it’s the lie. What is the point of trying to build a relationship with someone you cannot trust? It won’t be the last lie.

Imo caught out lying just 6 weeks in doesn't bode well. Why would he need to stay over?
Ltb.

6weeks in? No. Don’t be that mug.

End it. It stinks to high heaven

It’s not even a ‘white’ lie is it?

Trust your gut. New unattached boyfriends don't usually sleep on exes sofas and lie about it. If they were separated and had their own lives he would have told you that from the start. He didn't. He told you he stayed at his mum's.

This isn't a white lie. You specifically asked him if he stays with his ex wife and he said no. That's a big, blatant lie.

I'd be interested to know why you know where she lives though, especially 6 weeks in. That's really strange.

I knew where my do's ex wife lived 6 weeks in. We'd driven past and be said 'there's my old house' that's not weird.
The lie on the other hand is not great at all. What was his excuse? Doesn't matter really-you might struggle to trust him after that...

Are there children involved?

Not this makes any difference in the fact that he lied, but I know several people who will stay with ex partner's house when the children are with the on resident parent for a whole variety of reasons - kids have asked, long commute back to own house etc.

You've caught him out, so hard to put such a lie behind you.

So he doesn’t live in his own place or with his mother after all.

Diminishing something as a ‘white’ lie (whatever that means) is ridiculous. Something is either the truth - or not. He has lied. He will lie and lie again.