Can this be fixed

[Dontknowwhatnametouse]

I’m leaving my husband in just a few weeks. He doesn’t know yet. Although things haven’t been good between us for a few years, and we’ve made lots of attempts to fix things, but we haven’t been able to.

Just wanted a final sanity check before I go through with it.

Some examples of his recent behaviour:

We were having dinner with my 10 year old. My husband asked me some questions about my day, which I answered, but then went a bit quiet because we’d been discussing something complicated that had happened in my day and I started thinking about it…he then got really angry that I hadn’t asked him about his day. I explained that I would have asked in a minute but I was still thinking over the point we’d just discussed. He stood up saying “I’m not staying here while you act like a massive twat”. And stormed out of the room. My 10yo was really upset to see me being called a twat.

My 10yo gets really upset that if they have sweets or treats eg from a prize or a birthday party etc, my husband will eat them. Despite us having a cupboard well stocked with family treats. I got my 10yo a special “treat box” for them with their name on it, and we all agreed (including my husband) that this box would be where treats from parties etc would be kept, so that they could relax safe in the knowledge that they could save them for a few days without my husband eating them. My 10yo was really upset to find out that my husband has still been secretly stealing from the treat box. I found this a massive betrayal of their boundaries and really unacceptable. I told him so and he begrudgingly said sorry to me. I said that wasn’t enough, he needed to apologise to 10yo and promise it wouldn’t happen again. He responded with “All RIGHT I SAID I’m SORRY. I’m not talking about it any more”. I don’t feel like I can love a man who will so readily steal from our child. But is this petty? It’s only sweets.

Last week I had a challenging audit at work all week. He knew but didn’t at any point wish me luck. During the days at work he messaged random chit chat about himself but didn’t at any point ask how it was going. In the evenings I continued to have to do everything around the house as usual. He did pour me a glass of wine on one of the evenings.

There are other things but no one major thing. It just feels like death by 1000 cuts. Every day it feels like he demonstrates his lack of respect for me and 10yo.

But am I being too harsh? Should I just let these things go?

Re your comment:-
"There are other things but no one major thing. It just feels like death by 1000 cuts. Every day it feels like he demonstrates his lack of respect for me and 10yo".

That's because it is a slow death by 1000 cuts. His lack of respect for you both is all too apparent in your above post. You can teach your children better lessons about relationships.

"But am I being too harsh? Should I just let these things go?"

No and No. You've tried more than enough times and it has not worked out. In the event you have not already sought legal advice to date I would suggest you do so asap and in particular before you actually move out.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat. I just feel like I’m being petty over such little things. But it’s the bigger picture they add up to that’s the problem isn’t it.

He is selfish

If you don't want to be with him then don't be. You don't need to justify it to anyone, including yourself.

He stole your kids treats?? Total no no. He is a selfish fucker!!

You're not petty and these aren't little things.

He consistently demonstrates a total lack of respect or caring to you and to his child. Stealing his sweets!! You know the old song "it's so easy, like taking candy from a baby" is not supposed to be a guideline!

Leaving this man will immeasurably improve your sons long term happiness.

He is demonstrating his power over you and your son. You know it's about more than "just sweets". Your son probably feels really insecure around your husband. Doesn't trust him and is causing him unnecessary anxiety. It might be about "sweets" but it's more about respect and boundaries. The fact he called you a twat in front of your son would be a dealbreaker for me. Do you think there's an element of coercive control going on?

Would you want to see your child in a relationship like this as an adult? He will mirror the behaviour he is seeing. Aim for something better for you and your child.

Oh he sounds awful.

You are going to be happy and free soon.

There are other things but no one major thing. It just feels like death by 1000 cuts. Every day it feels like he demonstrates his lack of respect for me and 10yo.

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this

I don't want to hijack your post, but I am in the same boat. It's the behaviours and lack of respect. They have gradually worn me down, and you too by the sounds of it. All the little things. They all add up. We have the same thing re the sweets but not to the same extent you do. H is like 'I'll buy the kids more tomorrow'. The kids have seen all the road rage outbursts by H. The mess he lives in, they've commented on it. They witnessed him shouting calling me a c*nt in a crowded restaurant. (but were too young to remember). All the times he has stormed off on holiday, leaving me with the kids, He does it once every holiday. He's controlling in the fact HE will decide where we sit at the airport departures lounge (and we have to walk past all the seats to the very last set, off he marches, only for me to then have to walk back on myself to go to the shops we have walked past to get to the seats) HE will decide where we stand at the train platform (we have to go to the very end of the platform, and again off he marches). The kids are like 'mum why do we have to always go to the end of everything to wait/choose the seats the furthest away'' I feel like saying ''coz your dad's not normal, that's why'' but I refrain.

I feel for you. If you can, get out. I am trapped at the moment and long for something huge to happen (again) which will be my cue to leave and his bloody funeral (so to speak). I painfully regret not acting on the all the huge things he's done before. I have missed so many opportunities. Don't be like me. I don't feel like I can use the excuses from before and say 'well 6 years ago you did this, so I'm leaving''

Sending you hugs

That behaviour is really not good for your children. My mum did little things like this when I was growing up. Once she read my diary and told her friends about a boy I liked, as if it was hilarious. I must have been about 10 at the time but I still remember how that hurt. I wish my dad would have left her but he’s still with her, and I can see how it’s affecting his mental health now he’s approaching 80.

Your kids will understand you and most likely be grateful if you get yourself out of this situation. You all deserve so much better.

Wow, overwhelmed by these responses. I’d almost talked myself out of leaving today. I’m so afraid of the moment I have to tell him I'm leaving, and I have to explain it’s over petty things like sweets. It all sounds a bit feeble. But good to hear that you’re all of the opinion that these trivial things are worth leaving over.

and I have to explain it’s over petty things like sweets. It all sounds a bit feeble

Feeble? No. To be honest, the reasons some might give would be:
verbally aggressive and abusive (name calling);
disrespectful and spiteful (stealing child's sweets);
Uncaring, selfish and\or lazy and unsupportive (your audit)

But good to hear that you’re all of the opinion that these trivial things are worth leaving over
It's not trivial at all OP and you don't have to justify your decision to end the relationship to anyone, ever

It's not about sweets, it's about his attitude and behaviour

He’s going to be utterly broken. I’m a nice person and hate myself for doing this to anyone

But am I being too harsh? Should I just let these things go

Who makes the rules about how harsh you're allowed to be and what things you should let go?

There are no guidelines for feelings. Make your own.

Boundaries 101: If someone does something that makes you feel bad, you calmly tell them. If they keep doing it, you make distance from them, because that behaviour is more important to them than respecting your feelings.

It doesn't matter what it is they're doing, it could be something completely innocent. They don't have to be 'wrong' (again, there are no rules: If you get upset every time he eats a yoghurt, and he continually eats yoghurt in front of you, he's disrespecting your feelings), the benchmark is your feelings.

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

He’s going to be utterly broken. I’m a nice person and hate myself for doing this to anyone

How bad would you have to feel before leaving him would seem valid to you? Some people stay through death from a 1000 cuts. Some people stay through verbal abuse. Some people stay through physical abuse.

A healthy relationship is supposed to make you feel supported and respected. You're meant to feel like you're on the same team. If you don't feel like that, then leaving is the right thing to do for yourself and your child(ren), before any of the 1000 cuts has even arrived.

Don't demonstrate to your child that the thing to do when you are unhappy in your relationship is to stay for fear of making your partner feel bad. Your child will replicate what you do when they grow up.

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

He’s going to be utterly broken. I’m a nice person and hate myself for doing this to anyone

Well perhaps it will teach him a lesson in life.

Which is, that if you treat the people you are supposed to love like shit don't be surprised if they leave you.

He's done it to himself. He's self centred and thinks of himself over you and his child. If he's 'utterly broken' then perhaps he'll realise other people have feelings too.

Why are you worried about his feelings? Why is it all about him? Do you and your DC not deserve to come first occasionally?

Good luck. You'll be better off without someone who doesn't really care about anyone but himself.

You don't like him and I don't blame you. I know exactly what you mean, death by 1000 cuts. Don't feel sorry for him he has no respect for you or your family unit.

As soon as I've got my new job and home sorted I'm off too. Some people never change! Good luck, you'll be far better off without him and I very much doubt anyone else will want to put up with him either.

Thanks guys. My new home is sorted. I feel like such a traitor having sorted it all behind his back. But I know the moment I tell him, he’ll turn on me

Keep going you've done a top job, don't give him another thought. This could be your life for the rest of your life! Get out now, I only wish I had a new home sorted. Go go go

@pombear4949 - your post made me cry! I thought it was only me that was dictated to where to sit in airports or stand on train stations. He also walks a mile in front of me a lot of the time because he is a really quick walker - my H is what you would call a control freak- his job kind of needs him to be but it has carried over into non work. Initially I admit I liked the fact he was great at organisation but over the years to be honest it’s worn me down and I have now got that I don’t actually much like being in the car either with him due to a pretty constant running road rage commentary. I’ve come to the conclusion ‘a lot ‘ of guys over 50 turn into people who are pretty hard to live with unless you are a complete doormat

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

Thanks guys. My new home is sorted. I feel like such a traitor having sorted it all behind his back. But I know the moment I tell him, he’ll turn on me

Do you see how imbalanced this is? You are calling yourself a traitor for hurting his feelings; how concerned is he about your feelings when he 'turns on you'? Isn't he expressly trying to hurt you?

@TheFoundations He will be devastated and I know he will go to pieces, need family and friends to support him. Whereas I feel confident, strong and happy, having had time to come to terms with it all. As much as I know his behaviour is wrong, as a kind and empathetic person it doesn’t sit right with me to do something I know will devastate another person.

But the fact that he will not have the emotional maturity to deal with it well isn't a reflection on you: It doesn't make you a traitor or anything else.

as a kind and empathetic person it doesn’t sit right with me to do something I know will devastate another person

Of course. But that's the imbalance I'm talking about. You want to be nice to him, but he doesn't care about wrecking you and the relationship, which he knows will hurt not just you, but your child as well.

Sometimes as a nice person, the best you can do is the thing that causes least harm. His devastation at his just deserts is nothing compared to putting your child through being raised by parents with a relationship like this, and that's not even to mention the major issue of you suffering through no fault of your own. Save your child's future and save your own feelings at the same time. Allow bad feeling to land, naturally, on the perpetrator of the emotional damage.

You mustn't feel bad for the impact that his behaviour is going to have on him. Separate yourself from that responsibility. It's no more for you to feel bad about than him getting a headache the morning after choosing to get drunk.