Can this be fixed

[Dontknowwhatnametouse]

I’m leaving my husband in just a few weeks. He doesn’t know yet. Although things haven’t been good between us for a few years, and we’ve made lots of attempts to fix things, but we haven’t been able to.

Just wanted a final sanity check before I go through with it.

Some examples of his recent behaviour:

We were having dinner with my 10 year old. My husband asked me some questions about my day, which I answered, but then went a bit quiet because we’d been discussing something complicated that had happened in my day and I started thinking about it…he then got really angry that I hadn’t asked him about his day. I explained that I would have asked in a minute but I was still thinking over the point we’d just discussed. He stood up saying “I’m not staying here while you act like a massive twat”. And stormed out of the room. My 10yo was really upset to see me being called a twat.

My 10yo gets really upset that if they have sweets or treats eg from a prize or a birthday party etc, my husband will eat them. Despite us having a cupboard well stocked with family treats. I got my 10yo a special “treat box” for them with their name on it, and we all agreed (including my husband) that this box would be where treats from parties etc would be kept, so that they could relax safe in the knowledge that they could save them for a few days without my husband eating them. My 10yo was really upset to find out that my husband has still been secretly stealing from the treat box. I found this a massive betrayal of their boundaries and really unacceptable. I told him so and he begrudgingly said sorry to me. I said that wasn’t enough, he needed to apologise to 10yo and promise it wouldn’t happen again. He responded with “All RIGHT I SAID I’m SORRY. I’m not talking about it any more”. I don’t feel like I can love a man who will so readily steal from our child. But is this petty? It’s only sweets.

Last week I had a challenging audit at work all week. He knew but didn’t at any point wish me luck. During the days at work he messaged random chit chat about himself but didn’t at any point ask how it was going. In the evenings I continued to have to do everything around the house as usual. He did pour me a glass of wine on one of the evenings.

There are other things but no one major thing. It just feels like death by 1000 cuts. Every day it feels like he demonstrates his lack of respect for me and 10yo.

But am I being too harsh? Should I just let these things go?

@TheFoundations you’re so wise. Thanks

Best of luck. Maybe have someone there to protect you when you tell him in case he turns nasty? A friend, a parent? Protect yourself xx

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

Wow, overwhelmed by these responses. I’d almost talked myself out of leaving today. I’m so afraid of the moment I have to tell him I'm leaving, and I have to explain it’s over petty things like sweets. It all sounds a bit feeble. But good to hear that you’re all of the opinion that these trivial things are worth leaving over.

You don't have to tell him why, he hasn't done anything to deserve an explanation, and he hasn't done anything to deserve your consideration of his feelings. You can just say you're done and the marriage is over. If he didn't want your marriage to end then he should have treated you with love and respect. The painful truth is that these other things, like stealing sweets and verbally attacking you are more important to him then remaining married. I've got one that for whom petty control is more important than our relationship. He only wants a relationship on his terms, he'd rather have no relationship then treat me with kindness and consideration.

Life is short. You have taken action and well done you. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel a bit sorry for him but people fall out of love. Onward and upwards xx

Oh yikes.

You have no way of knowing if these responses are genuine.

End your marriage by all means but not because a bunch of strangers on the net egged you on.

Can you talk to real life friends?

Everyday it feels like he demonstrates his disrespect for me and 10yo.

Your son is living in an emotionally unsafe home. He is traumatized when he witnesses his father verbally abusing you with vile names. His boundaries are repeatedly violated when his father steals from him. Those two examples are appalling, as is H’s unsupportive attitude during your stressful audit week.

Your H feels entitled to devalue, diminish, and treat you and DS with contempt on a daily basis. This will damage your child’s emotional health and sabotage his future relationships. Please proceed with your plans to leave.

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

Thanks guys. My new home is sorted. I feel like such a traitor having sorted it all behind his back. But I know the moment I tell him, he’ll turn on me

So happy for you and your Son 🌸

@Sillawithans what do you mean? Why wouldn’t they be genuine?

@Crikeyalmighty - are we married to the same bloke.

Yes to the car road rage commentary too. I loathe being in the car with H when he is driving due to his road rage and I loathe him being in the car when I am driving due to the fact he will make constant outbursts like 'bloody hell that was close' when referring to my driving ie saying it was a close call and we almost crashed. Or he will suddenly shout 'bloody hell' which is again referring to the fact i am driving dangerously (which I am not). I have never crashed in my life. I've been driving for 25 years.
Re the dictating where to stand/sit. If I go and stand/sit where I want to then the kids get confused as they don't know which parent to sit/stand with. He will stay in his position regardless and get on the train at the carriage close to him, me the same, and then we would both be on the train in different carriages. Its f*cked up.

But then so is our relationship and his brain/mind.