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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I mug? - update and slight rant..... ;-)

41 replies

KintsugiForever · 27/09/2021 16:29

Some of you very kindly helped me a few weeks ago when I decided to end my relationship over the phone with my boyfriend who put me in limbo for nearly 3 weeks. I ended it by leaving a WA voice message as he was becoming very flakey.

Well….now I please need your words of closure to help me resign him to the bin of ‘bad exes’!

This morning he said he was finally going to come and get his stuff around lunchtime. I said fine but that I was out for lunch but I’d arrange for someone to let him in…he said he’d let me know when he was on his way. I didn’t hear anything more so left just after 1pm to go to my friend’s and, lo and behold, he pulls up behind me as I was getting in the car (so he probably intended on turning up unannounced anyway). He gave his usual swagger and charm… a few off hand snidey comments but I didn’t give anything away, didn’t answer him when he said ‘So, what’s new with you?’, didn’t offer to help him load the car, didn’t offer drink or food or anything. I was polite but there were no emotions there.

This is what I need support/MN sisterhood with please….he said ‘Oh I guess we won’t cross paths as we live so far apart?’ (I agreed we wouldn't), and he said ‘It was good whilst it lasted’ and hugged me (fair enough). But then I was looking at him thinking, ‘Please just leave now in a civilised manner’….but no, he had to say ‘It was just that that walk that did it for me, I saw a side of you I couldn't deal with (those of you who saw my first thread will know this is the walk where he saw my supposed argument with my daughter and that was the reason he wasn’t sure about me apparently!)’ So…..I just had to stand my ground and deliver some home truths (after all, I was the one who ended the relationship!) and said:

  • If you are still saying that a relationship is worth ending because of me disciplining my child that is BS
  • Who the hell are you to judge my parenting style anyway?
  • You dragged her out of the restaurant the night before and hurt her arm, and scared her (my DD is 11)
  • You gave me the near-silent treatment for nearly 3 weeks
  • You didn’t turn up for a whole day when you had promised myself and my children you would and never got in touch to explain
  • Your behaviour was unacceptable and out of order
  • You need to be careful next time you get involved with a family, the way you come across is not how you think

Anyway, we ended up parting on pretty bad terms. When I ended it a few weeks ago I did it in a civilised fashion, but him having to dig again today and have the last word made me feel I had to tell him the ‘darker’ side of why I ended it. My neighbour saw him drive past her house at warp speed apparently – so he must have been very angry.

She has said that this is all about him having to have the last word and not accept I ended it. And me telling him those home truths will have made him furious. She says it just reinforces I did the right thing by ending it.

So why do I still feel like I’m in shock? I know it’s right that I ended it, but I didn’t want to see him today and I didn’t want to part finally on these terms. Do I simply resign myself to accepting he was just a nasty piece of work?

OP posts:
Original poster
KintsugiForever · 27/09/2021 16:30

PS sorry, that was longer than my original post!

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 27/09/2021 16:37

Woah, he dragged your daughter out of a restaurant by the arm and hurt her? I don't remember that in the first thread!

Dfg15 · 27/09/2021 16:38

He dragged your daughter out of a restaurant by her arm? Why didnt you dump him then ?

pog100 · 27/09/2021 16:39

You did brilliantly. Now just throw him the bin, he isn't worthy of you and your daughter, he is a fucking arse.
He isn't worth your headspace honestly but don't beat yourself about giving him home truths. They are truths!

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 16:40

I'm glad the relationship has ended and you had your say, but tbh I wouldn't have let him into the house after he pulled your daughter out of a restaurant and hurt her arm. That would have been it for me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/09/2021 16:43

You dragged her out of the restaurant the night before and hurt her arm, and scared her (my DD is 11)

Wait, you didn't immediately dump him for this?

Sparklfairy · 27/09/2021 16:48

Is it out of character for you? I get the impression it is. That's probably why you feel shocked and unsettled. You're probably conflicted feeling, 'It needed to be said,' and are glad that you've got under his skin, but also feeling a bit guilty and like you've lost the moral high ground a little.

Personally I think you did the right thing. You've shown him (eventually) that you are no pushover.

layladomino · 27/09/2021 16:54

It's pretty normal to feel shaken after an altercation with someone. Because it's so different to how we normally love our lives. We spend much of the time either pretty happy or being diplomatic about our feelings so as not to spoil relationships.

But in this case you had nothing to lose by being honest, plus he was asking for it. So you were blunt and honest. That's absolutely fine, but out of character so it's thrown you.

That feeling will die down fairly quickly. Then you can consign him to the 'rubbish bd' file (bin) and move on.

growinggreyer · 27/09/2021 16:59

Well done for telling him your side of things. He can continue to make up stories in his head but somewhere in there he will know the real reason why you have separated. Flowers

Original poster
KintsugiForever · 27/09/2021 17:07

@Viddy2021 - this was the last weekend we were together - and we were away on a break with just one car. I said to him that if I could have got home any other way I would have gone that night with the kids. He slept with his back to me that night. I went and slept on the sofa!

OP posts:
Original poster
KintsugiForever · 27/09/2021 17:08

She only told me he hurt her very recently this weekend (after we'd split) and I felt it was important to tell him that - he denied he hurt her. I said I believe her.

OP posts:
Antinerak · 27/09/2021 17:13

Leave it. He'll spend as long as he wants thinking he did no wrong and wondering what happened. You know exactly what happened and know you did nothing wrong. You're shocked and can't get closure because he's being a knob- ignore his hissy fit. Block him, wallow, rant it all out and move on.

Marjoriedrawers · 27/09/2021 17:19

Let him stew. Don't feel bad about it. His idea was that he would have the last word and name it all your fault it ended. You took that away from him and rightly so.

Original poster
KintsugiForever · 27/09/2021 17:20

@Sparklfairy - yes, thank you, that is a very good comment. I do like to feel everything is 'tidy and neat' when it comes to relationships, I find confrontation really hard. That's why I ended it in a 'civilised' way rather than give him both barrels, but that's what he got today anyway!

I think I was assertive rather than losing control though, I didn't cry or shout or anything. I guess maybe today needed to happen so I could see what an idiot he really was!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/09/2021 17:24

Take closure from the fact that he now knows that you know what a fake, nasty piece of work he is.

Make sure he is blocked on everything.
He assaulted your child so you bloody well should part on bad terms. Who gives a stuff what he thinks!
Don't be slow to call the police if he shows up again or tries to harass you. Make sure he is blocked on everything.

frozendaisy · 27/09/2021 17:29

Yes one can feel jittery when outside their social comfort box.

But dear lord he needed to hear that.

So proud of you OP. Honestly you did good.

Why should he waltz around thinking he did everything he could and you were a fruitloop?

You will, I am almost certain, feel better, in the long run, you got to say what you did.

So have a celebratory drink this evening whatever is your favourite, wine, tea, fruit juice and watch girlie teenage crap on TV for a bit.

Yummypumpkin · 27/09/2021 17:29

You dumped him but no he had to rewrite history as if he broke up with you...gaslighting.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

Everything about him reeks of control and mind games.

I think you had a very lucky escape.

Take care of yourself and thank your lucky stars he hsd no more excuses to come in your house and spread his nasty thoughts!!

Thatnameistaken · 27/09/2021 17:31

Sounds like you handled a difficult situation amazingly! Give yourself a pat on the back Flowers

Original poster
KintsugiForever · 27/09/2021 17:32

Thank you, yes, I was thinking 'he's already re-writing history here!' So arrogant and smug. Not so smug when he drove off wheel spinning though....

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 27/09/2021 17:33

Just to point out he started this afternoon by being rude not bothering to tell you when he was arriving.

And then couldn't keep his anger or whatever the fuck was wrong with him in check whilst he was behind the wheel of a car.

Onwards and upwards sweet pea.

dworky · 27/09/2021 17:52

Ah, that comment was said deliberately to wind you up as he knew you would then engage. My abusive ex has intermittently, over a number of years, tried similar audacity in an attempt to get me to react rather than ignore him.
No matter how enraging, unfair, illogical his statements, you need to remember why he's saying them & resolutely continue to stonewall him.

You can, if necessary, go away & scream, punch a cushion in private but it will gradually become less infuriating/painful for you.
Stay strong in the knowledge you're doing the right thing for you and refuse to allow yourself to be manipulated by him.

Original poster
KintsugiForever · 27/09/2021 18:07

@dworky Thank you - yes, I agree. Which is partly why I'm annoyed as I should have stopped myself (I was doing so well up to that point!). I know my grey rock approach up until then had been spot on. But then again, maybe in time I will feel better for having got it off my chest and told him. There is one more thing we need to sort out between us over email (a phone contract) and then there is no need ever to speak again. But I may just pre-empt that and get it over with.

OP posts:
Freeloadingtosser · 27/09/2021 22:50

You 100% did the right thing. He came wanting the last word. What's the deal with the phone contract, are you liable for it or him? Could you try and do what you need to via the phone company and not contact him?

Honeyroar · 27/09/2021 23:00

You were 100% right in everything you’ve said and done in this break up. You were dignified and not a doormat when he tried to push your buttons. Hope you can get your last thing sorted without too much stress. Then close that door firmly!!

Original poster
KintsugiForever · 28/09/2021 08:28

@Freeloadingtosser He is liable for a phone contract which I tried to edit on the settings last night, but it's linked to his PayPal account. I'm not even sure what phone company it's with. I will email him and set it out in a business like fashion!

OP posts: