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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do about this thing with my friend?

35 replies

IndraOnTheMountainTop · 27/09/2021 13:19

This is a long story that I’ve tried to condense so a lot is missing and cut short. Donning my hard hat in preparation, but I need advice.

My friend and I have been friends for about 6 years. All our kids are really good friends, our daughters are best friends. We spend a lot of time together.

About a year and a half ago we got drunk and ended up kissing each other on her living room floor. It was kind of out the blue, but then afterwards when I thought about it, I felt like probably the boundaries between friendship had been blurry for a while, and maybe my feelings had been too and I just hadn’t realised. We were really close, in a kind of relationship type of way just without the actual sex.

During lockdown we talked every day. And then the first time we saw each other we ended up kissing and kind of progressed from there. It didn’t feel like an affair, though I guess it was. I have no idea why that is, I feel so completely confused, I guess because I never knew where we “were” or what it even meant.

In the autumn we ended up falling out and she stopped speaking to me. I was devastated and it was awful. She was pretty horrible about it and really cold (which she definitely can be in general). In this time I left my fairly abusive marriage. I had to take my DH to court for non mol and occupation orders. I still feel traumatised by everything that happened and pretty vulnerable and anxious. She knew / knows all of this.

This summer around May /June time she suddenly started being friendly. We’d had to stay approximately in contact to arrange the kids seeing each other, but it was painful and awkward but that seemed to shift. We gradually ended up spending more time together again.

In august we went away and slept with each other again. Having been emotionally distancing myself I ended up feeling entangled again. She isn’t always that nice to me, and sometimes makes me feel like she doesn’t even particularly like me. So I decided that I needed to step back a bit for a while.

The next time we saw each other we had a talk, I said I felt like we needed to be more honest. That I felt like she didn’t even particularly care about me and it was hurtful. She said I wasn’t an idiot and that I should know things only happened between us when we had been drinking.

That was last weekend. Things seemed okay between us since then, but on Friday at school she blanked me. On Saturday she sent me a weird awkward message asking if my daughter wanted to go bowling with her daughter and her husband. I asked her what was going on, it was cold and a strange message.

She replied saying she had told her husband everything that was going on, that we shouldn’t be friends anymore but she hoped the kids could still be friends. I said that we needed to talk and asked if she was okay, she refused.
I said I had no idea what was going on or what has been said so I can’t let my kids go round to play. I don’t even know how that would work. My head feels wrecked and I have no idea what is going on or what to do. I don’t want the kids to suffer because of our ridiculous decisions, but I can’t see how I can let them go there without knowing what her husbands frame of mind is, and what her children have been told. I feel broken and incredibly sad.

What do I do? Help me.

OP posts:

Suprima · 27/09/2021 13:25

I had something similar with a female friend of mine. I still miss her loads. It wasn’t as unkind as you have been treated, but there was very much a history of intimacy between us which was cut off very short with her telling a very new boyfriend about ‘us’ (I weren’t aware they were ‘committed’ to each other) and that we could no longer be friends.

She was right, to be fair. I am just pleased that I had her in my life as a friend for a short time, but sex can just destroy a friendship.

I think you need to take a step back from this relationship as a whole, even the relationships that your kids have with hers. No more play dates, however unkind and unfair it will feel to them. How long will they be at school together?

PinkFootstool · 27/09/2021 13:27

You've had an affair, the other party wants out. That's not a "thing with a friend".

Don't contact her, she's asked you not to be friends any more. Respect that she's told her husband and wants to stay with him.

Do you have a DP?

layladomino · 27/09/2021 13:28

Remove the sexes from this story. You have had an affair with your friend. She has now told her husband and doesn't want to continue the affair.

You have to accept it was over. You were both wrong to start it - her more than you as she was the married one. She has now been honest with her husband and that's that. It's over.

It would be unfortunate if your children were affected by this but it may be unavoidable. As your daughters are best friends, can you ensure they can continue their friendship without you seeing each other? That should be easily done. I wasn't close friends with any of my DC's friend's parents through school, and never met some of them. It's perfectly possible to drop off / pick up without going in the house and chatting.

I would avoid seeing your friend and her husband again. And consider your friend an ex-friend, as you won't be able to shift from a relationship back to friendship, and that doesn't seem fair on her DH anyway.

Bellyups · 27/09/2021 13:33

Sounds awful op.

For tot and your kids, I’d back off abs not be sending them round.
I know you don’t want to impact their friendship, but you don’t know what’s going on in their household, and your gut should be listened to.
FWIW, I think she sounds quite horrible.
Take time to recoup and recover

Sleepyquest · 27/09/2021 13:33

It also sounds like she was using you a bit for sex whereas you seem to have feelings for her
Might be best to cut all contact like you would if you broke up with somebody

Tillysfad · 27/09/2021 13:34

She does deserve space. Perhaps you could explain that you're worried her partner might be angry and would be more comfortable hosting her DD, but you understand the friendship has come to an end and accept it.

Original poster

IndraOnTheMountainTop · 28/09/2021 00:01

Thanks for all the really thoughtful comments. I’m taking them all in.

I agree that she needs space, and I think so do i.

Tonight her son told mine that they “wouldn’t be seeing each other, ever again” and that it was “something to do with his mum and yours”. I feel pretty angry about it and I don’t know the way forward. She’s bringing her husband to all occasions where we might “cross paths”. I haven’t (and won’t!) try to speak to her, but it’s incredibly awkward.

OP posts:

Original poster

IndraOnTheMountainTop · 28/09/2021 00:02

“Something to do with my mum and yours” sorry typo - not his!

Also - no I don’t have a dp.

Can I tell people the truth about what’s happened or should I keep that private for her sake? People will ask what’s happening and I honestly don’t know what to say.

OP posts:

TheChip · 28/09/2021 00:10

I'd imagine her husband is wanting to go along to be sure that nothing does happen again. I can imagine his trust has been eroded completely. She did cheat on him after all.

As for the kids being friends like they were, it's probably for the best that they aren't. Just think of this as a man and woman affair...the wife wouldn't accept the husband had to continue seeing his ex fling because their child was friends with theirs. It would constantly have that door open for it to start again, leaving them in a hard position to be able to rebuild trust.

Original poster

IndraOnTheMountainTop · 28/09/2021 00:18

I guess that is what it is @TheChip but it feels completely insane - am I going to jump on her on the school run?! …Pull her into the bushes outside cubs! It feels more like some weird political show of strength… look how together we are in front of you.

Yes agree on kids being friends - though it was her that suggested this in the first place! I just don’t know what to tell them 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

grapewine · 28/09/2021 00:19

Huge step back. This was an affair. The sexes don't matter. It'll hurt a lot, but cutting ties is the only way.

user1481840227 · 28/09/2021 00:49

Who are you angry with? You had an affair with your childs friends mother. Unfortunately that means there are consequences for everyone in the family.

It's not like it would have been easy to come up with an excuse so it's best to make the children know it's not about them, but because of the parents.

Can I tell people the truth about what’s happened or should I keep that private for her sake? People will ask what’s happening and I honestly don’t know what to say.

You can tell them the truth if you want, but the truth is that it was an affair...so it's likely that you will get some backlash and the news will spread. You're then risking causing more issues within their family if he wants to move on and forgive her.

I guess that is what it is @TheChip but it feels completely insane - am I going to jump on her on the school run?! …Pull her into the bushes outside cubs! It feels more like some weird political show of strength… look how together we are in front of you.

That's perfectly normal and common after an affair though. People get territorial, they want to show they're together or they want to make sure that the 2 people aren't alone together. There's certainly nothing unusual about his behaviour because many who have been cheated on act that way.

Now for the record I don't think cheating is black and white at all, but it's like you're in denial to what this actually was.

Lanareyrey · 28/09/2021 00:55

Hi OP

What a sad story. I'm sorry this has happened to you. From my perspective this woman sounds like she is confused, guilty, angry etc. If it were me and this had happened, I think I would be pretty messed up to. She could be confused about her sexuality, she may not even have told her husband, you just don't know. Obviously there was an attraction and a connection with you and it was an affair at the end of the day. She is trying to cut you out of her life because she is scared. It's not about you, it's about her.

Honestly OP, I would try and move on. No contact is the best, and even though painful, in time it will get easier. It's sad for the kids no doubt. I wish you the very best.

TheChip · 28/09/2021 01:04

It might sound insane to you, but you've been party to almost destroying a family here.
You cant really blame him for being insecure enough to feel the need to do that, or her for doing it to prove that he can trust her again. It could be either one of them, or both of them. Either way, it's what they feel they need to do in order to repair their family. No matter how it may look to you.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2021 01:32

She's married and had an affair with you. She's now told.her husband. She did the right thing, she cannot.continue the affair. Leave her alone.

twoandeights · 28/09/2021 05:13

What a mess. Have you got the option to move somewhere else and get a fresh start?

jclm · 28/09/2021 05:57

Big hugs to you. I agree you must leave her alone and also not allow the children to meet which will help you move on.

I also had a confusing 'thing' with a friend/boss. We had much more communication about the relationship than you did but we didn't even kiss. It's sad your friend hasn't spoken to you about this but I don't think you'll get any answers from her now.

Would you start dating another woman? Have you ever had any other romances with women? Dating again may take your mind off it.

coffeeisthebest · 28/09/2021 10:39

You finished an abusive marriage and also had an affair with what sounds like an abusive friend who was using you. You are now being scapegoated in order to save her marriage. You really want your kids friendships to continue in a family where your name is currently mud? Back away. Completely. Sort your shit out, regroup, face the facts and continue on. Tell your children the minimum that is necessary. Don't pull them into your mess. Last year I stopped made the decision to stop seeing a friend and that ended my daughter's friendship with her daughter. It wasn't life changing. It was sad and she misses her friend but there was no way around it and she has survived the experience. Sometimes relationships change but in order to salvage the mental health of your family you need to sober up to the truth of what is happening here.

MindyStClaire · 28/09/2021 10:58

Her husband doesn't want her spending time with the person she had an affair with. They're trying to save their marriage - not easy after one person has been unfaithful. There are kids involved as well - back off.

Marjoriedrawers · 28/09/2021 11:05

It does sound the boundary of innocent friendship has been crossed. Clearly she has issues and is now trying to suppress them which won't end well. I think in future when her relationship implodes you'll realise what a lucky escape you've had from her drama of not being able to be true to herself. Live your own truth by moving on and avoiding contact. You don't have to tell anyone anything or explicitly have to mix with her if you are at group events. Trust me, you will see this very differently in time. You may even feel a little used by her but don't vent that, just move on from the whole experience.

billy1966 · 28/09/2021 11:17

@coffeeisthebest

This is good advice.

Tell your children that "sometimes adult relationships can be complicated and hard for them to understand, but we will not be hanging out with them again".

It is painful for them but hopefully they can move on too.

Perhaps source some counselling for yourself.

Your relationship with her also sounds unhealthy and abusive.

I'm sorry that life is so hard at the moment for you.

HeartsAndClubs · 28/09/2021 11:22

IMO the only reason why you’re getting so much sympathy here is because the person you cheated with is a woman. If you were the OW having an affair with a man you would be ripped to shreds on here.

At the end of the day, you are the OW, and you have been complicit in causing problems in this woman’s marriage. It doesn’t matter whether she was a friend or not, she no longer is, or ever can be. Once the line is crossed you can’t go back.

As for her husband going with her on the school run, it’s not necessarily about thinking you’re going to drag her into the bushes, it’s about having to rebuild that trust, and tbh I think that if a person has an affair with someone of the same sex while in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that trust is harder to rebuild, because you are going to question every friendship they have, iyswim.

It’s good that you’re out of your abusive marriage, but now you need to find a relationship with someone who is free to be in a relationship with you.

user1481840227 · 28/09/2021 18:02

@Marjoriedrawers

They slept together. You can't go much more past the boundary of innocent friendship than that!

Original poster

IndraOnTheMountainTop · 28/09/2021 21:28

@coffeeisthebest

Thanks for the replies.

@coffeeisthebest this was really really helpful, thank you. I think you’ve really summed it up for me.

I think for many reasons it’s best to keep the kids apart for now, as hard as that is, both to help me get over it and because you’re right - my name will clearly be discussed negatively (it has been before in front of her kids) and that will affect her kids and by extension mine. It’s not realistic that the kids won’t be aware that something has happened is it? I think they will have an idea that something is wrong.

@user1481840227 I guess I’m angry that they aren’t handling it in a more gentle way. I wouldn’t say “youre never seeing them again” I’d say - x and I have had a falling out and we aren’t going to see them for a bit. These are young children, it feels brutal.
I see what you’re saying re denial - I think I am. I have no idea why that is… maybe because she’s a woman and that was quite unexpected for me. And close friendship boundaries are often blurry (obviously I don’t mean the sex part!) but I had a very intertwined life with her, loved her, supported her etc long before there was anything more to it than friendship. It’s odd - I’m not sure I’ve processed it.

I really appreciate all the replies

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 28/09/2021 21:57

@IndraOnTheMountainTop
Emotions are probably running high in that household though. One of the kids could have asked about your child and was told you're never seeing them again after being put on the spot, you're probably picturing the children being sat down and told you're never seeing them again but it probably didn't go down like that. Or they could have tried a gentler approach and said what you said and the kids could have kept asking "how long?".
You just don't know the conversation actually went down!

It definitely doesn't sound like you have processed it. It would probably do you some good to speak to a therapist about it and begin to process.
Can I ask if your abusive ex husband was a gaslighter? You just seem very confused about what's went on and unsure of what's normal or not...which unfortunately can be a long lasting side effect of being in a relationship where you were being gaslighted.

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