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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there a way forward after this?

30 replies

ChocolateOrangeAnything · 27/09/2021 11:06

My DP has thrown out some bombshells throughout the course of this weekend… he no longer feels it’s the right time to us committing to buying a house together, and he no longer wants to get married within our current timescale.

Bit of a back story - we’ve both sold our individual houses, his has completed, mine is awaiting completion. We’ve been looking for a new house for months but the supply just isn’t there in our area. This has caused some friction because DP thinks (or thought) we should just move away to anywhere within around a 30 mile radius so we could buy a house and not have to rent. I said we should just rent in the short term as it’s a means to an end, and when the right house in the right location comes up we’ll proceed from there.

We were also planning on eloping and getting married in New York in December this year.

After an argument which escalated dramatically on Friday night he’s now done a full 360 and said the above. He’s also really angry with my reaction - I was distraught in the immediate aftermath and I’ve been pretty tearful/sad since. He just keeps repeating that he’s done the right thing and he’s being kinder to me by doing this than just carrying on. I do agree to an extent - I certainly don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me, or to financially bind ourselves together if we’re no longer on the same page.

DP afterwards has said it’s now all just “not yet” rather than “not ever”, but he also said some really strange things about me needing to “convince” him about these things.

I’m definitely a talker and I think I’ve turned into this needy, sad mess over this. I’ve tried to talk to him but I’m probably just desperately looking for some sort of reassurance and it’s just making him angry.

I guess I’m totally rambling, he’s now just trying to carry on as normal, he keeps checking on me today (we both WFH) and keeps telling me he loves me - but I’m really, really struggling to see a way past this, I don’t know how I ever will. I feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath me and my life’s literally fallen apart over the weekend.

Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar? Should I just call it a day now and save the heartache again later?

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 27/09/2021 11:08

Can you stop the sale of your house, and would you want to if you two were to split ?

GoodnightGrandma · 27/09/2021 11:09

It sounds to me like he’s pulling out of the relationship in a controlled way. Is there any way he can live somewhere else for a while do you can take stock ?

FortunesFave · 27/09/2021 11:10

Stop the sale of your house immediately. This does NOT look like a good man OP.

This statement is particularly worrying he also said some really strange things about me needing to “convince” him about these things.

You don't have to convince him of A THING.

Of course you're bloody upset! You were buying a house together, you've half sold yours and you were about to marry!

He sounds hard, unkind and untrustworthy.

Seriously...protect your finances and do not proceed. End things.

Original poster
ChocolateOrangeAnything · 27/09/2021 11:13

@GoodnightGrandma - I could stop the sale of my house yes, although I wouldn’t want to drop my buyers in it this far down the line. But ultimately it’s something that needs to happen anyway as I need a bigger place.

I do have the option to stay with my parents, they are amazing, whether that be for some space or if the house sells and we haven’t agreed on a plan.

OP posts:
SilentPanic · 27/09/2021 11:14

You will spend your life knowing that he isn't sure, and knowing that you'll always have to be convincing him of your worth. I've been there. Don't do it. This is the time to end it OP, because once you give it time to carry on, you let the dynamic of the relationship settle into this, and that is very very hard to get out of.

Gncq · 27/09/2021 11:16

What? He's basically saying he doesn't want to marry you or move in together but still saying he loves you? Fuck that. What a headfuck. Love shows in what you do, you don't treat your loved one like that.

Shurl · 27/09/2021 11:17

My ex-dp did this too me last year. Although we were renting together and I had been talking about buying a house for a few years before he suddenly announced he wanted to do it together. We were coming up to exchange and the sellers pulled out. In the aftermath, he basically said he no longer wanted to commit because after the house, I would be wanting marriage (something we had both previously been on board about) and it was like nothing was ever good enough for me, there would always be another commitment, like pets and kids.

Although he apologised and said he still lived me, the trust in the fundamentals of the relationship were gone, and in addition to other issues we had, ended up with us splitting. I know I want marriage, pets and kids, so staying with someone who felt like they would be doing it for me, rather than as a partner wasn't good enough

Original poster
ChocolateOrangeAnything · 27/09/2021 11:17

Thanks @FortunesFave I think you’re just saying all the things that I already know.

Luckily we’re both fine financially and have secure jobs.

I’m usually so strong and resilient and this has just totally knocked me off balance.

OP posts:
Shurl · 27/09/2021 11:19

@SilentPanic

You will spend your life knowing that he isn't sure, and knowing that you'll always have to be convincing him of your worth. I've been there. Don't do it. This is the time to end it OP, because once you give it time to carry on, you let the dynamic of the relationship settle into this, and that is very very hard to get out of.
This is it exactly, said in a much better way than I managed to!

I didn't want to feel like I was pulling somebody through life

catfunk · 27/09/2021 11:21

So sorry op, you're bound to be feeling in a right state.
Don't beg him, think about how you deserve love and security, and if he can't give it to you then it's his loss and you'll be ok whatever happens x

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 11:22

So he is in your house, which will shortly be sold, and is telling you that he won't marry you and doesn't want to buy a house with you?

I'd tell him to get the hell out of my house. I would sell the house and I'd move in with parents until something else came up.

Do you have children?

FortunesFave · 27/09/2021 11:26

Of course it's knocked you off balance. It's massive. He's pulled the rug out from under you with no explanation and is asking weird shit like 'you need to prove' things to him.

No...you don't!

If I were you I'd simply move out of the rental, into your parent's so you can save on rent.

Screw him. Pull HIS rug out.

FortunesFave · 27/09/2021 11:27

Or are you in one of your houses? Or a rental currently?

Original poster
ChocolateOrangeAnything · 27/09/2021 11:28

@Gncq - not quite, we already live together and have done for a long time. His house was rented out, we live in mine. I totally agree with you on the latter point though, I’m dumbfounded as to how he could have expected any other reaction than this one of sadness from me.

@SilentPanic @Shurl - yep, I think that’s what I’m afraid of. He flipped between reassuring and angry a couple of times yesterday and then also tried to backtrack on the “convincing me” quote but I know exactly what was said. I know my worth deep down and I need to try and stay focused upon that. We are/were on the same page life wise prior to this, it was actually him pushing as he wanted us to buy a house, get a dog and have a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateOrangeAnything · 27/09/2021 11:30

@FortunesFave - yes we are both currently in my house. It’s owned not rented.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateOrangeAnything · 27/09/2021 11:31

@HollowTalk basically yes.

No children involved thankfully.

OP posts:
westcountryboy · 27/09/2021 11:31

I've been in the position of having to convince someone else to stay with me. It's fucking shit being on probation basically.

He's withdrawing, he's laying the ground work for the 'I've tried but it's not working' conversation. This way he's able to say that he's talked to you about it and done the right thing.

If you want to sell the house anyway then do it and go to your parents for a bit rather than lose the sale.
If you were only selling then stay in your house and get him out. Don't waste your time and your future on someone who isn't invested in you.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 27/09/2021 11:32

He’s training you like a dog with marriage as the Bonio.

This is presumably the first high stakes joint decision where you have to negotiate navigate the situation and work as a team, and he’s blown his top??

Says it all, and look forward to more of the same if he doesn’t get his own way.

He’s expecting you to roll over and tell him how much his plan is better.

westcountryboy · 27/09/2021 11:33

Sorry, if you were only selling to be with him, then stay in your house.

litterbird · 27/09/2021 11:38

Please get your house off the market ASAP. Something has triggered this reaction in him. He is bailing and you have every right to feel abandoned and awful. Something isn't right with this...you know it as well. He seems to have all the control in your relationship so get your power back now and make some individual decisions not based on this very fragile relationship OP. Sorry you are going through this shit.

FortunesFave · 27/09/2021 11:55

He's either bailing because he's interested in someone else OR he's training you as MaunderingDrunkenly said.

Neither is a good prospect.

Don't let this arsehole stay in your house a moment longer.

Look back over the course of your time together...were there ever any other times when he said or did things that made you question him?

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 27/09/2021 11:56

You don’t need to convince him of anything. Right now it’s the other way around as he’s being a bit of a twat. Perhaps he is right about the housing market but pulling out of your wedding plans is a serious dick move. Would he have done that if there was an actual ceremony booked and paid for?

FortunesFave · 27/09/2021 11:58

Yes...baiting you with marriage. Fuck that.

BeggarsMeddle · 28/09/2021 11:37

I'm sorry you have had this bombshell - but better to happen now rather than later.

Only continue with the sale of your house if it really is the best move for you.

And definitely tell him to move out of your house. He is not your problem any more and you don't owe him. So what if he's inconvenienced? He has brought this consequence on all by himself.

Wishing you all the best going forward.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 28/09/2021 11:41

Ditch him and tell him to move out this weekend.
I would cancel the sale of your house.

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